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The Gold Figurine. The second prize in the Tournament of Familiars. You can sell it or keep it. Fixed price: 300 gold.             

"Thanks, dude," I carefully put the prize away into my bag. Looked like it was time to fix up a shelf on the wall of my room to display all these cups and prizes. Sort of miniature Hall of Fame.

Dan
 
shook his head and slapped the oak table. I'd love to know what he had on his mind now. He leaned forward and lowered his voice, "Would you like to make us an offer?"

"Actually, I expected you to do the same. But I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'd like to completely distance myself from both production and sales. I'd like to use my right to grant the license to whoever I want but stick to the Admins' sales rates demands. Instead, I'd like to get my cut and the clan's full support—ideally, something like honorary membership. I do understand the importance of discipline and subordination, but still I'd hate to have to go through your marching drills. So I'd love to be allowed to skip the soldier's stage."

Eric's face reflected surprise. He'd probably never even thought there could be other ways to join the clan but the standard cadet-private-sergeant chain. But somehow I found it hard to believe that their esteemed bookkeeper, Mr. Simonov, had had to do a month of square-bashing with other junior cadets. It meant that in certain cases, the clan could indeed make exceptions.

Dan stared at me, thoughtful and appraising. Wonder if he was toying with the idea of locking me up in some bunker of their own? Finally, he spoke,

"I've heard you out. I don't have enough authority to decide whether we can accept it or not. Only the clan's General Council can do that, including its Dark Branch. One thing I can tell you now: even our clan is not powerful enough to handle this caboodle. No one will forgive us this gain in power. Fear and jealousy will force our opponents to join forces. Together they'll crush us. You can't just share this recipe with our clan. We need to create a coalition to exploit this. We make up part of a rather powerful military alliance. If we make them this sort of offer, they'll join us. This is the standpoint I will present at the Council."

Right. This was how I'd thought it would be. "How much time will it take them to come to a decision?"

"Tomorrow I'll let you know their response. I'll start calling it up straight away. Do you have some more cigarettes for the presentation?"

I nodded, handing over another handful. About thirty, that should be enough. Noticing Eric's pleading eyes, I sneaked another dozen to him. For a moment I wondered whether I should mention Taali's problem and then thought against it. I really should wait for the Council's decision regarding my status. It was one thing to decide whether to help a total stranger and quite another to a fellow clan member.

Dan
 
placed the cigarettes carefully into his pocket and turned back to me. "What would you say to staying in our castle for a couple days?"

That got me thinking. The offer was curious any way you looked at it. It could be his wish to protect me—whether sincere or not. It could also mean the chained-in-the-bunker scenario. I doubted they'd go that far: after the generous offer I'd made, they would be more interested in cooperation than in ruthless kidnapping. And still I decided to decline it. Wouldn't be a good thing to so openly reveal my vulnerability, coming to the Vets cap in hand.

"Thanks,
 
man, but I don't think so. In any case, just for the sake of my paranoia, I might check the recruitment page and hire a couple bodyguards. Just for peace of mind."

He shook his head. "We don't leave our men in the lurch. You're the clan's friend now. Your offer promises considerable returns, and we don't trust strangers with guarding our property. I'll bring a few special-ops guys. They'll rent a room next door to yours. At least two of them will be hanging about your room at all times. If you need to go out, they'll be around, too."

A generous offer, hard to resist. To hire a stellar group like that would have cost me five grand a day. Now I really had nothing to worry about. No one could just kidnap me on the sly—and if it came to fighting, a group like that was capable of handling considerably superior forces engaging them until reinforcements arrived.

With that, we closed our business talks. We stayed on for a hearty meal, discussing their open house day. Apparently, the Russian salad had received first prize at the cooking contest. By way of a prize, the clan was now buying the license for the recipe from the woman who'd made it, so now it was going to be a permanent staple in the castle's mess hall. Eric gave me a wink and promised to sneak out the recipe for me.

"Fucking womanizer," Dan chuckled.

I laughed and gave Eric a high five, slapping his palm with gusto. What a man! The recipe was worth it, even if he had to shag the whole kitchen and the dishwashing girl to boot.

"And what about this familiars' contest?" I remembered. "My kitty got the second prize. Who got the first one, then?"

They exchanged glances and burst into laughter.

"What?" I leaned across the table. "Come on, spill the beans."

"You won't believe it."

"I would. At the moment, I'll believe anything."

"Winnie the Pooh. A white teddy with a pink nose."

They'd said I wouldn't believe it. So I didn't. "What do you mean, Winnie the Pooh? The cartoon one?"

"Remember the little girl? Our captain's daughter?"

"The one who's forever twelve years old?"

"Exactly. So she did this quest. A totally boring and intensely useless social one, eighteen tasks to complete. Those who do it are either masochists or they just can't forget the little puppy they used to have at home in real life so they want to bring the fucking thing here. The final prize allows them to upload their pet's picture and have it animated. I've no idea what AI thought about it. Maybe it was just exercising its sense of humor. But if you come across a ghostly white bear in one of the castle corridors, just offer him a slice of meat. It won't pester you much."

"Meat. I thought Winnie the Pooh liked
 
honey
? Did you try to give him honey?"

"He won't eat it. He turned out to be a carnivore, apparently. But very cute to look at."

Oh well, stranger things happen at sea.

With all that talk I'd missed the arrival of the five special-ops guys. They'd installed themselves at a table next to ours and were now sipping their beers casting greedy glances at the dying cigarette smoke.

Dan called up their leader. "Meet Lieutenant Brown. A 160 wizard. He'll be nursing you for the next twenty-four hours. Create a group and grant them a teleport permission. You never know, they might need to pull you out quickly. Also, allow them access to your room."

Reluctantly I did what he'd suggested. At least this way I might find out if I'd been a total idiot trusting the Vets or if I could actually rely on them. Just in case, I sent a word to Taali describing the situation. That way, at least there would be some trace left in case I disappeared from my hotel room.

With that, I parted from Eric and his secret-service friend. They teleported to their castle while I took cover in my room from a new wave of tobacco lovers.

I had virtually no cigarettes left—about thirty or so. I gave half to the bartender telling him to distribute them however he saw fit. Then I announced that I'd run out completely and was temporarily unavailable. I walked up the stairs to the third floor. Lieutenant Brown entered my room with me, to study the layout and give a few instructions to his men. I told them how much I appreciated their help and gave them the remaining smokes. In return, he shook my hand long and hard and promised to guard me so that not even a fly could harm me.

Finally, everybody faded away. I
 
collapsed on the bed. I still had to check out the auction and see the auto buy results. They were good. I now had three hundred doses of pollen and enough of the other ingredients for a thousand cigarettes. I could have bought more but I had set my prices low hoping to profit from their
 
Buy Now!
 
offers.

My glance happened on the top sales section. It was raging with buyers discussing the offer of the first—according to the description—cigarette in the digital world. The bids had reached a thousand gold and apparently weren't going to stop at that. My inner greedy pig turned blue, gasping for air. How I understood him! I'd spent a lot of time and money making the product, then gave away a lot of my stocks for free while someone in that crowd had thought he was clever and was now raking it in? Oh, no. That wasn't the way to go. From now on, I was going to cream it off, too.

I rolled up my sleeves and set about working, casting occasional glances at the offending auction. Three hours later I realized I hated the crafting process body and soul (or whatever
 
perma players had). Time to hand over the license before it did me in. I dreaded the prospect of spending the next two hundred years rolling cigarettes in my room. God forbid.

Finally, I sat back, admiring the results. A long ribbon of finished cigarettes snaked across the table. Two hundred fifty.

Now: Life of a Masochist, part two. I formed auction lots selling them one at a time, adding one lot every half an hour. Starting price: one gold. They were welcome to bid it up as much as they wanted.

I didn't expect Taali. She had some unfinished business in real life. So I had to spend the night on my own. Very soon I should maybe start thinking about moving up a floor. I needed more space if Taali really wanted to move in with me. Also, it was a status thing. I sent my Mom a surprise MMS describing my visit to the vets' castle and adding a few pics of nice views, prizes and the awards ceremony. Undoubtedly, Mom would want to know who the Elfa was that was clinging to her sonny boy. It was about time they met, really. I just hoped Mom could get used to the possibility of an out-of-body life. I might even convince her to move here, too. A young healthy body and a new world full of colors and sounds—that should be enough for her mind to shed the chains of old age. She might even find herself someone in the digital crowd. The Constable Major Medved seemed serious and imposing enough.

The financial question seemed to be coming under control. The tournament had helped a lot, of course, both in gold and in items. But the main source of our future wellbeing had to be the sale of cigarettes and cigarette licenses. Which justified a drink. I rummaged through my bag and pulled out the vial I'd stashed away for a rainy day.

Unknown Skill Elixir

Item class: Epic

Contains a random skill. In order to learn the skill, drink the vial's contents.

Instead of a rock bottom, the initial financial abyss had now ended with a gigantic trampoline. I wasn't broke which meant I had to drink it. I was facing an eternity where even a useless skill like creating illusions or setting off fireworks could prove useful one day.

I clasped the vial, and the stopper popped open. In a spray of colorful sparks, a pleasant fragrance filled the room. Well, here's to the future!

Congratulations! You've learned a unique skill: Splitting

Cast Time: 0

Mana Expenditure: 0

By using this skill, you can split your summoned pet into a certain number of controlled creatures (the number corresponding to the Skill's current level). Their levels will equal that of the initial creature divided by the number of new pets. The split creature's maximum level cannot exceed that of the caster.

Bah. Didn't understand one word of it. I read through the message again. Aha, now I started to get it. If I summoned a level 50 pet, I could split him into two level 25 ones. Oh well. As far as I was concerned, the basic skill was less that useless. Could I improve on it, maybe?

I studied the menu. They had to have two upgrade options. One was increasing the number of the creatures. And the other... Now the other was quite different. For every point invested, the little splinters grew two levels. In theory, if I added twelve points now, I'd have two level 50 pets. That was just too good. Shame I only had one point to spare. Also, my leveling up would increase the gap so I'd end up investing half my talents into this skill just to keep the pets in the top range.

All that deduction had given me a headache. I had to sit down with a calculator and look into it properly. Tomorrow, maybe. I needed to sleep on it.

I spent the morning reading the news. Predictably, the arrival of the cigarettes had made the headlines. At least my name hadn't come up anywhere. Either they'd failed to figure me out or decided not to expose me for the time being. They all spoke about an anonymous player who'd managed to sidestep the tobacco ban, hypothesizing when exactly the Admins would close his little shop. Experts advised buying up cigarette lots and sitting on them, predicting prices would soar when cigarettes once again became rarities. This was advice I could really appreciate. Had I known the name of the expert, I'd have sent him some money for his piece of mind. Actually, could it be
 
Dan trying to sell part of the samples I'd given him? I wouldn't put it past him. This kind of scheme was right up his alley.

Having said that... I opened the auction and checked the previous night's auto buy results. The insiders must have noticed the rise in demand for pollen; both the offer and the prices had grown overnight as the market was finding a new balance. I had a stock of over two thousand doses and even more of secondary ingredients. I could now go easy on buying. The auto buy had diligently dispensed with all of the seven hundred gold I'd entrusted it with, and was now flashing its little light reminding me to top up the balance. I did as it requested, then reset it to concentrate on pollen.