Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life (31 page)

After eight seasons of
The Biggest Loser
, I was ready to broaden my TV horizons a bit and embrace new challenges, so I decided to approach NBC to throw around some ideas. I was beyond thrilled to be part of a show as successful as
The Biggest Loser
, and more important, I was humbled and grateful to be able to help change lives.

But I also wanted new challenges. Bottom line, I wanted to expand my platform to a more well-rounded vehicle and get out a broader message of wellness, beyond being part of the
Biggest Loser
team. That’s where I was coming from. But as I considered my first move, I also had to think about NBC’s needs and perspective. With
Loser
, they had a tiger by the tail. It was their number-one-rated show at the time, and they would want to preserve it. They had also given me my start, and they might think my desire to move on reflected ingratitude. It seems like a tough situation, with two diametrically opposed interests, right? How could we get to a win-win situation?

Well, I sat down with the president of alternative programming at the network and listened carefully to all his concerns and issues. Then I expressed mine. After we appreciated our respective positions, we started looking for a solution that would expand my platform without taking me away from
Biggest Loser
. And that’s how
Losing It with Jillian
was born—compromise! I agreed to stay on in exchange for my own spin-off show, where I got to really help people in all aspects of their lives. With both parties gaining, this solution was the very definition of win-win.

Now, this conversation could have gone
very
differently. I could have gone in angry and screaming about all the things I felt were unjust over my six-year run on
Loser
. And the president could have come to the table power-tripping and played the “We made you, we’ll break you” card. I guarantee you, a small part of each of us
totally
felt like doing that. As intelligent business people, however, we also understood that an interaction fueled by those kinds of crappy, ego-based attitudes would get us nowhere.
Instead, he spoke his mind in a way that took my position into account, and vice versa—and that left us open to a host of possible solutions.

The big lesson here is that you can always find a way to engage other people that makes them part of the solution, not part of the problem. When you speak in a way that’s not only true to your own dreams but also considerate of other people’s, you enlist people instead of turning them off. And before you know it, your dream grows and takes on forms you never could have imagined.

Above all, cultivate mutual respect, the foundation for any successful interaction. Give respect freely to others, and command it for yourself. Approach a conversation this way, and it’s unlikely that anyone will feel undervalued, attacked, taken advantage of, or demeaned. Instead, you’re likely to come to a result that is good for everyone involved. There is almost always a way, no matter how difficult the person or the exchange.

One last tip for becoming a highly effective communicator: rehearse what you want to say beforehand. As in, out loud. Say it to the cat, say it to the mirror, but
say it
. No matter how much you’ve thought something through, putting it into words is going to be different. The more you’ve run through the major points you want to make, the basic order of what you’re going to say, the more confident you’ll be when it comes time to engage the other person or people.

If you’re going into a really big conversation—asking for a promotion, or confronting a loved one about something sensitive—you may even want to role-play with a good friend. This will allow you to walk through various scenarios so that when you’re in the moment, you won’t be shaken or impulsive with your responses. That will help you maintain control of the conversation and keep it moving forward in a positive and productive direction.

Remember, communicating well is something you can and must work at. Practice it in every interaction you have, whether it’s at the supermarket checkout or meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time.

The objective is always to open a constructive dialogue that is calm, thoughtful, considerate, and clear. If you have fears and concerns, put them on the table for discussion without judgment or accusation. Give others the opening to jump in and become a source of support rather than sabotage.

Not everyone is going to respond positively to open dialogue. If problems arise, you need to accept that you’ve tried, realize that the unresolved issue speaks to their limitations, not yours, and move on. But before doing that, make sure you’ve done what you can to negotiate the situation—which is up next.

EXTRA CREDIT: NEGOTIATION

Like it or not, most of our interactions come down to a negotiation of some kind. And although it sounds cold and clinical, negotiating is simply arriving at an agreement that allows forward momentum. As the old Rolling Stones song says, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well you just might find you get what you need.”

Whether you’re fighting with your spouse about where to have the family vacation, buying a home, or hashing out a multimillion-dollar business deal, you need the same tactics and skills. This isn’t to say we’re all mercenaries out fighting for our own self-serving agendas. It’s not about world domination or subjugating people to your will. Win-win is the name of the game, and the goal is for both parties to feel positive about the negotiation once it’s over. This helps good, positive relationships to continue after the fact and allows for a level of cooperation that will take you to new heights.

Sometimes a win-lose negotiation is unavoidable, but you should really resort to it only if you don’t have to maintain an ongoing relationship with the other party. Having come up short, they may not want to deal with you in the future. Consider that if you are going to want anything from them, or if they have yet to fulfill part of a deal in which you have “won,” they may be uncooperative.

In my own experience, whenever I have felt duped or cheated,
I have done the bare minimum to fulfill whatever agreement was in place and then had no further dealings with that party. For my second set of exercise DVDs, my old team negotiated what I later discovered was a very bad deal for me. The DVDs were massive best sellers, but because of loopholes in my contract, I barely saw a dime. I had three DVDs left to shoot with this company before my deal was up. I put my best foot forward, because I wanted people to get their money’s worth when they bought the DVDs, but when that deal was up, I didn’t renegotiate to extend my contract.

By that point my DVDs made up 50 percent of the top-ten-selling fitness titles on the market, and my decision limited the company’s future growth in the category. The DVD market share of the company I subsequently signed with grew to first place.
And
now I’m auditing the first company for unpaid royalties.

The moral of the story?

Don’t ever think you’re pulling one over on someone when you stiff them, and don’t be greedy, because karma is a bitch and it will always come back to you in the end. It’s best not to sour any relationship, if you can possibly avoid it.

To master negotiation, you’ll need to hone both your speaking and your listening skills. And as with everything, preparation is key.

WORKING IT OUT

CONSIDER YOUR GOALS AND THE GOALS OF THE OTHER PERSON

What do you want to get out of this situation? What do you think the other person wants out of it?

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP

Compromise is pretty much always necessary. Prioritize the things you want to achieve, and think about what you are willing to sacrifice to arrive at a resolution
.

HAVE AT LEAST ONE PLAN B

If you can’t reach a win-win agreement, what other options do you have? What are the ramifications of each? If things don’t go the way you hope, you don’t want to be thrown off. Have a backup plan, so you’ll be coming from a place of strength rather than weakness
.

LEARN FROM THE PAST

Is there a history you can learn from, or precedents you can look to for guidance? Have you or the other party had similar negotiations in the past? If so, what was the outcome, and why? By understanding previous conversations, you can circumvent established pitfalls and avoid making the same mistake twice
.

The holidays are usually the only times I ever get to travel for pleasure. My mother demands a family Christmas come hell or high water. She will make concessions on Thanksgiving or New Year’s if I have to work or I’m traveling, but I have learned my lesson, and Christmas is sacred. Don’t mess with that. All else is fair game
.

MAKE A LIST OF ALL POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

Based on all these considerations, what possible compromises could be reached to arrive at a win-win finish line? Let’s take the family vacation discussion again. You want to spend your vacation with your ailing grandmother. Your husband wants to take a family ski trip. Possible solutions include taking the grandmother with you on the ski trip, splitting the vacation time between the two options, or taking the ski trip but also setting aside some time before or after the holiday to spend visiting Grandma
.

THEN THINK ON THIS

Above all else, you must always go into an exchange, whether it’s with a friend, a loved one, a colleague, or a superior, with the intention of keeping your heart and mind flexible, open to new alternatives, opinions, and possibilities.

Remember not to get caught in power struggles caused by ego.

Strong disagreements and failed negotiations can create all kinds of problems and hold you back in so many ways. What’s more, over time they can poison even the warmest, most loving relationships. Practice and use what you’ve learned here to create happiness and harmony in your life and in the lives of those around you. You’ll be amazed at how honing these communication skills will help you in all things great and small.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

STRENGTHEN WILLPOWER AND TAME EMOTIONS

B
eing irrational and acting impulsively are big roadblocks to mastering communication skills. Although willpower and emotion regulation are two separate things, they go hand in hand. Irrational feelings often make us impulsive, and if we can control impulsivity, we buy ourselves time to reason and create proactive, empowering solutions. Never forget, one moment of unchecked impulsivity can destroy months or even years of hard work, so it’s well worth practicing keeping it together. By better managing your emotions, especially the negative ones, you can significantly increase your chances of success in every part of your life.

In my own struggles with willpower and impulsivity, I’ve come to realize that will is a skill, not a myth or a genetic trait. Anyone can develop it at any point. And that is the focus of this chapter.

Remember, no matter how strong your self-control may become, like the muscle that gets fatigued, it can get overworked and burn out on you. Notice that you’re likely to lose your temper at the end of a long, grueling day. Notice how you kick ass on your diet all day long, and then in the middle of the night when you are
exhausted and your mind is spinning in stress circles, you find yourself peering into the fridge, looking for trouble. I guarantee you, it’s always that
last
straw that breaks the camel’s back. This is exactly why we discussed controlling your environment (in
Chapter 11
) and eliminating sources of sabotage (in
Chapter 5
). The goal of all that was to get you to hold your willpower in reserve for moments when temptation
can’t
be avoided.

Ideally, we
avoid
negativity and temptation, but sometimes they just can’t be avoided. So you need to learn how to strengthen your willpower and to manage your emotions for those particularly trying times. You can avoid trouble for only so long. And when it comes up, you’d better be ready for it.