Unlovable (24 page)

I was too stunned to move.

“
After my parents found out
I was knocked up, they practically locked me away. I couldn’t drink
again until after you were born. They railed on me daily, lecturing
me on the dangers of drinking while pregnant. For some unknown
reason they cared about you.” She grumbled something under her
breath, shaking her head in disbelief.

“
I decided to give you up
for adoption. My parents arranged for me to meet with a social
worker named Debbie Watcher. She wasn’t much older than me, maybe
five years, and we became fast friends.” She smiled while
reminiscing about her old friend. I couldn’t ever remember seeing
her smile before. It looked strange.

“
We’d sit in her office
telling drinking stories for hours. We even planned a huge
celebration party for after you were born. Not to celebrate you,
but to celebrate my freedom.”

Nausea invaded my every pore. I
thought deep down inside she cared about me and just had trouble
showing her emotions, like me. I was wrong. Never before had I felt
so completely alone; I mattered to no one. I was a zero, a cipher,
an unlovable nothing, as she had always claimed. No longer capable
of standing, I dropped to my knees.

Oh, God, please just let
me die, now.

“
Do you know why I didn’t
give you up when you were born?” Apparently, my mother wasn’t done
destroying me. She continued, even though I didn’t answer her. “One
day Debbie came to visit me at the house. She was one of the few
allowed in to see me, my parents trusted her.” She laughed. “She’d
been drinking and let it slip that if I kept you, I could get
government aid to help raise you, all I had to do was fill out some
forms. I had no idea it was that easy.

“
After you were born, I used
the money to move out on my own, finally free of my meddlesome
parents. About six months later, they found out I was drinking
again, and we had a huge fight. I agreed to let them have you if
they didn’t tell social services, that way I could still get my
money.

“
Everything was working
nicely until they got killed in that stupid accident. I got
burdened with you and a permanent limp,” she glared at me. I felt
the tears stinging my eyes, but there was no way in the world I was
going to give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Numb, I
silently began cleaning up the tossed lunches.

“
Two more months, Maggie,
then you’re out of here, and out of my life. I’ll no longer have to
take care of you. You’ve been nothing but a drain on me from the
moment I found out I was pregnant, but soon I’ll be
free.”

I lost it. Withdrawals or
no withdrawals I’d reached my limit. “Take care of me? When have
you
ever
taken
care of me?” I peeled myself off the floor and continued in my
rage. “You care more for your booze than you do for me.
You traded me away
for
that stupid bottle of vodka you lovingly nurse all day long!” I saw
something flash in her eyes. Tears, maybe? No, not from my
mother.

“
I cook. I clean. I put you
to bed at night. Please enlighten me, when have you ever taken care
of me, or loved me for that matter?”

“
Get out of my house! I
regret ever giving birth to you, you unlovable nothing!” She picked
up a glass from off the coffee table and shied it at me. I turned
and left as it hit my shoulder.

The cold winter air propelled me back
against the door. I wanted to go and get Seth’s fleece, only there
was no way I was going back inside. I started running, not caring
where I was running to, simply running. I wanted to run away, away
from everything and everyone and never come back, leaving my
miserable life behind.

It started snowing, a heavy wet snow,
and soon I was shivering. I had gotten used to riding in Seth’s
warm car, and my body was rejecting the cold I was inflicting on it
now. I kept forcing myself to run to try and increase my body heat.
My legs began to feel numb, and still, I pushed harder. The tears
were flowing, no matter how hard I tried to stop them, they kept
coming. More than once, I collapsed on the ground, sucking in air
to nourish my oxygen-deprived lungs. When the pain from my mother’s
words started to engulf me again, I’d forced myself back up onto my
feet and took off running once more.

Only after coming around the corner on
Ivy Circle, did I realize where I was. Sprinting onto Seth’s porch,
I didn’t knock. Instead, I stood there, panting hard. Why had I
come here? Seth didn’t love me.

But I did love him, and not only did I
love him, I needed him. And I've never needed anyone before. I
needed him to help me somehow mend the shredded soul my mother had
taken such delight in destroying. I needed to feel his arms around
me. I needed—

The door flew open and Seth’s eyes met
mine in complete surprise. “Maggie, what are—” He grabbed me,
pulling me inside.

I threw myself into his arms. “Kiss
me,” I said, shocked by my own bluntness. He held me back, staring
into my eyes for several moments.

“
Maggie, what’s wrong? Did
something happen to your mom?” His brows were knit tight with
concern, but not desire.

“
No! Please, kiss me.” I was
begging him. How utterly pathetic. I tried to reach for his face,
but he held my hands firmly down at my sides.

“
Are those men after
you?”

“
No.”
Defeated, I dropped my head onto his chest. I
was
totally alone. All
his flirting was just that, flirting. I had allowed myself to fall
in love with someone who didn’t return my feelings, who would never
return my feelings. My mother was right.
I
am unlovable
.
I
am nothing.

“
Maggie, please,” he said,
stroking my wet hair. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

For some reason he began shaking me.
“Stop it, why are you shaking me?” My teeth chattered as I
spoke.

“
I’m not shaking you, you’re
trembling.” My entire body was trembling. Seth scooped me up in his
arms and carried me to a bench located next to the door. Pulling a
blanket from off the edge of the bench, he wrapped it around my
body and set me down on his lap. His hand vigorously rubbed my back
in an effort to warm me up.

“
What happened? Please,
Maggie, you must know you can trust me by now.” I couldn’t stop
shaking, and now felt as if I were in a dream. Everything began
spinning, and I lowered my head onto his shoulder.

“
Maggie!” He sounded
frustrated. Could I trust him? I did feel safe here with him, even
if he didn’t love, he was still my friend, if nothing else. My
heart was about to explode with sorrow, and I began to cry again.
He pulled me in closer. “Please,” he pleaded softly in my ear, “you
can trust me.”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer, the
hurt was too big. The bitter ugliness poured out of my mouth. I
told him every horrible thing my mother had said, every horrible
name she had called me, including that I was unlovable. Crying
harder now, my breath began jerking painfully in my
chest.

“
It’s not true, Maggie.” The
anger in his voice was unmistakable. He gently wiped the tears from
my face, caressing my cheek in the act.

“
Mmmm, your hand… hah… is …
hah… really warm.” While pressing my face into his hand, I tried to
steady my breathing.

“
No, Maggie, you’re really
cold.”

He leapt up and carried me up the
stairs, rushing me through a bedroom and into a huge bathroom. He
set me down in a chair next to the biggest bathtub I had ever seen.
He started filling it with hot water as billowy white steam clouds
danced through the air.

 “
What are you...
hah... doing?” I was feeling disoriented and closed my
eyes.

“
You’re going to take a hot
bath. Your body temperature is dropping, and we have to get it back
up. Do you like bubble baths?”

“
I don’t know, I’ve... hah…
never had a bath, at least not that... hah... I can remember. We
have a shower… hah… in the trailer.” My teeth were chattering, and
my stupid breath was still catching. Seth’s brows pulled together
in a frown once more.

“
Bubbles. Girls like bubble
baths.”

I wanted to ask how he knew that, and
maybe suggest it was a sexist thing to say, but my energy level was
rapidly depleting. I was also curious to know why he had bubble
bath in the house except the image of Hillary in this tub was more
than I could handle at the moment. I shoved it out of my
head.

He knelt in front of me, unwrapping
the blanket, and removing my ragged sweater. He tossed both next to
the door. “Where’s the coat and new shoes we bought for
you?”

We bought? “I left in a… hah… hurry.”
His jaw tightened as he removed my shoes. Still dizzy, I leaned
back against the counter for balance. He unbuttoned my shirt and
pulled me next to him to slide it down and off, setting me back
against the counter again.

“
I’m going to go outside the
door. Take off your jeans and tank top and hand them out to me. Can
you get into the tub by yourself?”

“
Yes,” I said, standing up
and immediately falling over. He caught me around the
waist.

“
Are you sure?”

“
I don’t really have many…
hah… options, do I?” I steadied myself with the counter. Seth
picked up the things he had already taken off me, closing the door
behind him as he went out.

I started peeling off my wet jeans.
Since I was shivering, and the jeans were drenched from the heavy
snow, the task wasn’t easy. Seth’s knocking on the door every ten
seconds to ask if I was all right didn’t help much either. I
finally managed to remove the rest of my clothing, handed them
discreetly out the door, and climbed into the bubble bath. I sighed
aloud as I sunk down into the mountain of bubbles. I couldn’t
remember ever experiencing anything so enjoyable. Seth had to be
right about girls liking bubble baths, this girl certainly
did.

Slowly, very slowly, the shivering
stopped as my body warmed, though my toes and fingers stung
painfully in the process.

“
Maggie, how are you
doing?”

“
Better thanks.” I was also
grateful my breathing had returned to normal.

“
I have some warm broth I
want to bring in. Are there enough bubbles to keep you
covered?”

“
Yes.” I sank down deep into
the tub until only my face peaked through. He entered with his eyes
closed and walked over, never once peeking, and handed me the cup
of broth.

“
Thanks, for everything,” I
said, taking the broth from him.

“
You’re welcome.” He started
to leave, and without looking back added, “Your mother is wrong,
Maggie, you know that, right?” I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t
out of fear I’d start crying again. “I’ll be downstairs when you’re
done. If the bath gets cold, just add more hot water, and don’t
fall asleep in the tub. I don’t think you’d like it much if I had
to drag your naked body out of there and give you mouth to mouth
resuscitation.” There was a definite twist of humor in his voice as
he shut the door.

I added hot water twice and caught
myself falling asleep twice. I decided to get out before Seth did
indeed have to come in and rescue me.

Even though the bathroom was well
heated, the air was much colder than the hot water, and I
immediately started shivering again. Having no clothes, I wrapped
myself up in a huge towel. I also couldn’t stop yawning. I timidly
opened the door that led into the bedroom he had carried me through
earlier.

The room was lovely. Along one wall
was a magnificent antique armoire with beveled-mirrored doors. The
far wall had a huge bay window with a built in bench-seat beneath
it. A long slit of daylight peaked through the oatmeal colored,
lace curtains ranging in the window. A huge antique brass bed sat
centered along the inside wall. It was quite tall and had a small
wooden step next to it, presumably for help getting up into it. A
silky, deep green quilt laid spread across the length. I gave way
to another yawn just looking at it.

“
I’ll lie down for a few
minutes until Seth comes back with my clothes. I doubt he’ll mind.”
I climbed up onto the big bed, dropping the towel onto a chair next
to the bed so as not to get the bedding wet, and crawled beneath
the soft quilt. The bed felt every bit as soft as it looked, and I
sank into it, tugging the quilt around me, cocoon like. It felt
wonderful. Suddenly remembering why I was in this big wonderful
bed, I curled up on my side, shut my eyes tight, and refused to let
my mother’s voice enter my head.

***

“
Maggie. Maggie.” I felt
someone rubbing my arm and calling my name, only the voice didn’t
sound like my mom’s voice. I forced my eyes open.

“
Seth!” I sat up quickly,
and the quilt slid down my shoulder, my bare shoulder. I quickly
tugged it back up.

“
I’m naked!”

“
Yes, you are.” Seth smiled
mischievously. He was sitting on the edge of the bed.