Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (9 page)

The long driveway leading to my Somers’ Point house was a haunting sight, as dark and dead as my life was before I’d met Mara.  The property, like my heart, had been uncared for, for far too long. But unlike my rising sun in the form of a 5’2” brunette, this house would never be plenished with the warm, incandescent light that she provided.  I drove up the jagged path that led to my abandoned home.   For the last couple of months I had almost escaped my past.  But it all came rushing back.  Standing in the center of the deserted land, I felt my culpability thundering inside of me, reminding me that, sometimes, …it is too late to start over.

I was having a panic attack.  I hadn’t had one in such a long time that I didn’t even think I had anymore Xanax left to take.  For the past couple of years my alcohol abuse had been calming my anxiety.  I had only needed my anti-depressant, not the Xanax I used to take with it.  But now, my heart was racing, my throat was closing and I was beginning to feel the earth move beneath me.  I was alone and I was scared.  What was I doing? I was right back where all the pain began.  This wasn’t starting over.  This was charging straight into an on-coming train.

Running my hand through my hair, I remained in my car and closed my eyes.   I needed to think.  Mara.  She’s what I thought about.  I had remembered how she calmed me after my visit from Auggie.  I thought back to that first day at Mara’s house when she’d disclosed her unfortunate loss.  Mara was living life as a regular member of society.  Why couldn’t I?

Thinking about Mara had helped to bring my heart rate to a moderate pace.  My lungs were opening and I was breathing in Mara’s courage.  She was only a phone call away.  She’d said it herself.  I pressed her number on my speed dial, but it went straight to voicemail.  Damn!  “Mara, It’s Tagg.  I made it down here…I’m having a hard time.” I took a deep breath.  “It’s overwhelming.  Call me as soon as you can.”  I left the message, then rested my head against the back of my seat.  But not for too long.

The guys were going to be arriving for rehearsal, so I had to manage to rid myself of the doubt and confront my fears. I got out of the car and slowly stood.  Once I got my bearings, I felt a little better. I was retrieving my stuff from the car when I heard a rustling in the trees.  “Hey.  Who’s there?”  It stopped. Maybe I was crazy.  It had to be an animal.  But, then I heard the stirring again.  As I ran my eyes across the wooded area beside my house, I caught a glimpse of long blond hair blowing through the trees.  “Hey!”  I called again and swept toward her.  The blond disappeared.  At first I was spooked, but then I remembered that some of the female fans used to sneak around trying to get a glance at me all the time when I lived here.  I’m sure someone probably heard I was coming back.  Of course.  My private life was getting a little less private these days, and I should just expect a fan or two to resurface.

It was time I faced the dread before me and enter the house.  I solicitously entered through the front door.  When I had actually resided here, the garage was where I’d have entered, but currently I had no idea where the garage door opener was.  The table in the entryway was covered in dust so thick it had reminded me of my recent life. The beautiful wood, hidden by years of neglect.  I threw my keys on it and took a step forward.

All of the memories of that baneful night came charging back.  The look of hurt on Crystal’s face when she had opened our bedroom door.  The panic that enveloped me.  The fear and immediate regret for what I had been doing with that nameless woman.  The particular moment in which I began to despise everything I stood for.  I was ashamed and I was sorry.  But apologies were far too little and much, much too late.    If I had owned a gun that night, I would have taken my life after I’d received the phone call.  I wasn’t so in love with Crystal that I couldn’t live without her, but the shame, the guilt, the disgrace, I knew, would be enough to drive me mad.  No, I never really did love Crystal in the way a husband loves a wife.  Nor did she love me, in that manner.  It was a marriage of mutual respect and compatibility.  Until I’d lost her respect.  And much, much more that night.

I hadn’t realized that I had dropped to the floor with my back against the door, until the doorbell rang.  I wasn’t ready for Ronnie, Matty or Johnny, but I couldn’t just let them stand there.  I got up, took a deep breath and opened the door.  I broke down and cried, because standing at my front door, with her arms stretched out to hug me, was the person I’d least expected, but needed most.  “Mara?”  She embraced me while I released seven year’s worth of tears on her shoulder.  Her hands on my back radiated through me, melting my anxiety.  I kissed her forehead, then thanked her.

“What. Are. You. Doing here?”  I managed to ask, in between sobs, as I led her to the kitchen. 

She gave an empathetic tilt of her head, before she said, “After I left your house, I thought about the first time I had walked into the home I shared with Brad.  After he had died, I stayed with my mom for a few months.  I wasn’t able to go back home without him there.  When I finally did, I could never have done it alone.  If my mom hadn’t been there… I don’t think I would have made it.”  She sighed a tiny sigh.  “I thought you could use a friend… so, about fifteen minutes after you left, I headed your way.  Your mom gave me directions.”

“Thank you, Mara.”

“I heard the message you left.  Are you okay?”

I stood against the large island centered in my kitchen and glanced around the room.  My breathing became irregular again, but I needed to set free the secret that was being held prisoner in my mind.  The secret Mom had sheltered from the media.  “You know, Mara, I wasn’t in love with Crystal. Sure, I loved her, but in that best friend sort of way.”

I guess I had caught Mara by surprise, because suddenly, she was shaking her head and backing away.  “You don’t have to tell me this, Tagg.  It’s not my business.”

“But I do.”  I inhaled as much air as I could, because I’d realized I was holding my breath, afraid to let go.  “All this time, all this guilt.  It’s not only been about Crystal.”  I began to feel a bit dizzy.  “The night Crystal died…”  This was more difficult than I had thought.  Never have I said these words aloud.  For so long, I had tried to bury the thought so deep I would eventually forget it.  Never.  I could never forget it.  “The night she died…” Oh, dear Lord this was hard. “She was…”  My breathing became short, airless gasps. “She was… seven months pregnant… with our son.”  I cried like I had never cried before.  My knees buckled beneath me.  Mara held me as I slid down to the floor.  Again.  I couldn’t stop the sobbing.  My tears were for my son.  I was finally mourning the son I never knew. The son I never got to hold or play guitar with.  The son whose life was ended before it began… because of my reckless infidelity.

I held my head in my hands while Mara stroked my neck.  But it didn’t help.  I had killed my little boy and now I couldn’t breath. I didn’t deserve to breathe. 

Only, I really couldn’t breathe and I began to gasp for air.   I was hyperventilating.

 I sensed Mara leaving my side.  It sounded like she was searching the kitchen for something.  After a few moments of opening and closing cabinet doors, Mara came back with a small, brown paper bag and put it in my hands.  Bringing the bag to my face, I attempted to take deep breaths until my breathing slowed and I’d lost the urge to pass out. 

Mara was sitting on the floor next to me.  I squeezed her hand.  “Thank you,” came out broken and raspy, but I’d needed to say it.  We sat there for some time. Silently.  Soberly.  Before the insanity began.

“Yo, Tagg, man, we’re here.”

“Yea, man, let’s get ready to rock.”

“It’s been forever, guy.”

I wasn’t sure who exclaimed what, but Ronnie, Matty and Johnny came barreling through the front door, equipment in hand.  They were ready to start over.  I was not.  I guess I was about to see how good of an actor I could be.

“Hey.”  I motioned to the band, and the door, because they had left it open, but when I started to close it, something caught my eye.  I took a double take.  There she was again.  The blonde.  Running from the side of the house into the bushes.  “Guys?”  I had to at least ask, “Did any of you bring a blonde with you?”

A blank stare, from everyone, is what I got.  “Uh, no.”

“I must be seeing things.”  And, then I dropped it.  I’m sure it was that same girl.  Probably a crazy fan.

“Tagg,” Ronnie turned toward me and then back at the kitchen.  “You brought your trainer?”  Ronnie was visibly upset.

Mara had been prudently heading toward us.  “Hello.”  She’d directed her greeting at Matt and Johnny, having already had the pleasure of meeting Ronnie.

Matt and John were both pleasant with their responses, not seeming to mind her company.  “Hey, I’m Matt.”

“I’m Johnny.”

Ronnie had continued with his contemptuous ascertainment of Mara’s presence.  “What the Hell?  Why did you bring her?”

“What’s it to you?”  I countered.

Then Mara jumped in.  “I have a friend in the neighborhood, so I helped to transport some of Tagg’s stuff down from Sparta.”  She turned in my direction and addressed me.  “If you’re good, I’ll get going.”

I followed her out the door.  “Mara, you don’t have to leave.  I rather enjoy your company.  I feel… at ease when you’re around.”  I held her hands, “Stay.”

“I won’t be far.  You have work to do and I’d just be in the way.  I won’t leave for home until tomorrow morning.  Give me a call when you’re done.  We can go to the boardwalk, if you’re up to it.”

“Where are you staying?  Do you really have a friend around here?”

She chuckled.  “No, but there are plenty of hotels.  I’ll get a room.  Call me.”

“Stay here tonight, don’t stay in a hotel.”

“Um…I just don’t think that’s a great idea.”

I heard Ronnie groaning inside the house.  Obviously, Mara had heard him also.  I saw the tiniest hint of an eye roll.  “I’m sorry, Mara.  You came all this way and…” I froze.  There she was again.  The blonde.  Standing behind a tree, several yards away.  This was crazy. 

Mara noticed my gaze beyond her.   From the corner of my eye, I could see her turn to look over her shoulder.  “What is it Tagg?”

But the blonde disappeared.

“Um…I…uh…think I just…” Saw a ghost?  “I…thought I saw something.  Never mind.”  I just shrugged.

“Tagg, C’mon, we’re waiting man?”  Ronnie bellowed.

I rolled my eyes, then closed them.

“Call my cell if you need me, Tagg.  I’m leaving in the morning.  I have a client at two tomorrow.”

“Okay, Mara, thanks.”

I watched her get in her car, wishing I could just hop in and go with her, wanting to be with her and not here.  In the past.

Picking up my guitar again felt curiously satisfying.  Invigorating.   I plugged it in, turned on the amp and played my first chord.  The chord turned into a riff; the riff into a song.  I actually allowed the music to take over while a current of electricity surged through me. The blood pumped rhythmically as my years’ worth of torment manifested euphoniously in my music.  My crippling isolation was my punishment for an act so very immoral, but I could have never fathomed it would make me a better musician.  My soul took over as conductor of my talent… and that is when I realized, I had evolved.  I had grown.  And not just in age.  I may have done something dark and stupid, but maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t that person anymore.  If I could feel my music deep down, I could heal my soul.  There was hope after all.  Maybe I could still make room for the performer I was, yet reach the man I wanted to be.  Needed to be.

The guys and I called it quits for the night.  It was a surprisingly awesome session and we’d rehearse again the next day.  Since the guys didn’t live all that close, they would stay with me during the week and return to their homes on the weekend.   However, it was almost nine-o’clock in the evening and I needed to see Mara before she left in the morning.  I called her cell.  She answered on the first ring.

“Hello?”  Even though I knew she knew it was me, she still answered the phone with a question.  As if caller id hadn’t existed. 

“Hey Mara.  It’s Tagg.”  And even though I knew she knew it was me, I still told her so.

“Hi Tagg.  How’d it go?”

“Great.  Wonderfully, actually.  Is it too late to see you?”  I hoped not.

“No, of course not.  I’m staying at The Impala on…”

“I know where it is.”  I interrupted.  “I’m in my car, already over the bridge.  I’ll be there in five.”

“Okay.  See you then.”

Five minutes later, I was at The Impala and Mara was standing outside in the parking lot.  I pulled into an empty space on the street and put my change into the meter.

“Hey Mara.”

“Hey Tagg.”

I entwined my fingers in her’s and kissed her on the cheek. “So, you want to take a walk on the boardwalk?”

“Sure.” It was her idea, anyway.  She’d suggested it earlier that day.

“I bet you were already up there, though?”  I asked as we strolled hand in hand toward the boardwalk.

“No.  Not really.  I went for a jog on the boards earlier, but since then I’ve been napping.”

“Napping?  Seriously? You’re only thirty-two.”

“Hey, you’re not allowed to judge me.”  She teased.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t peg you for a napper, that’s all.”

Mara tittered.  “I’m not a napper.  I just took a nap.  One nap, that’s all.”

I laughed at our playful bickering.  “Okay, I’ll stop.”

“How’d it go today?  You sounded upbeat when you called.”  Mara inquired, changing the subject.

“Oh…I was.  It was incredible.”  I unclasped her hand to put my arms around her.  I squeezed her tightly in my arms, lifted her up off the ground and spun her around.  I couldn’t help myself.  "I felt incredible.”

“Oh my.”  Mara chuckled as I brought her back down.

After I had Mara safely back on the ground, I weaved my fingers through her hand again.  “I have you to thank, you know.  Truly, thank you, Mara.”  Mara tried to undermine her importance to my return to life by shrugging.  As if it were no big deal.  But it was.  It was a huge deal.  “No.  Really.  I owe you everything Mara, I really do.  Until you came along, my days were dark.  Seriously, I thought the sun would never rise again, but you brought it back for me. You are my sun, Mara.  For that.  I will always. Be grateful.”

Mara’s lips quirked, embarrassed by my appreciation.  “Tell me about practice.”

I did talk about it, because I was excited to.  “It was a little slow at first.  I think the guys were a little uncomfortable around me. I guess they thought maybe I was frail or something.  But, after a short while, we fell right back into place.”  Mara and I continued to meander along the boardwalk.  “It was cool.  I enjoyed playing my guitar again.  We’re meeting again tomorrow.”  I paused seeing a familiar boardwalk stand.  “Mara?”

“Yeah?”

“Want a Polish Water Ice?”

“A what?”

“A Polish Water Ice.  C’mon.”  Right ahead of us was the water ice stand.  “It’s a lot like Italian Ice, only creamier…. What flavor would you like?”

Mara searched the menu.  “How about you pick?”

“Okay.”  I looked at the water ice attendant.  “One watermelon, one Cotton Candy.”

“Cotton Candy?”  Mara wondered.  “Is that for you…or for me?”

“For you.  You seem like you’d appreciate sweet things, Sweet Thing.”  I saw Mara’s face turn the color of my watermelon water ice.  “Are you blushing?”

Turning an even rosier color she whispered, “you always make me blush.”

I forced myself to play it lightly.  “Oh, big personal trainer like you, surely you don’t embarrass easily?”  But I knew she did.  The littlest comments reddened her skin.

She shrugged as she licked at her ice.  “The cotton candy ice is really good.  Thank you.”

“Anytime.”  We strolled quietly hand in hand for a few more minutes, before I had an idea.  “Would you like to put your feet in the sand?”

We kicked off our shoes and rolled up our jeans.  “Race ya.”  Mara challenged and then took off for the water.  Fortunately for me, I’ve been picking up the pace during my runs so, even though she took an unfair headstart, I’d caught up with her and hit the surf before she did.

“Ha.” I pronounced, then exhaustingly bent over, putting my hands to my thighs to catch my breath.  Mara sauntered toward me, breathing as softly and evenly as if she had taken a leisurely stroll.  “Damn, Mara.  Why aren’t you gasping for air…like I am?”

“Well,” she said coyly, “I didn’t ignorantly take off, mightily, without easing into my run.”

“Oh. And you…eased?”

Mara laughed again.  “Well, I didn’t give it my all.”

“Oh, so now you’re saying that you let me win?”

“I didn’t say that, but…” She trailed off.

“Okay smarty-pants, see if I can’t catch you this time. And you better give it your all.” 

“Yeah right.”  Only this time Mara flew.  We zigzagged across the sand until I cornered her between the water and the pier.

“Nowhere to run now, sweetie.”  As she took off to her right, I grabbed her and we both fell, landing right in the water.  The waves crashed over us as we lay staring into each other’s eyes, sparking a new dimension to our friendship.  Slowly, I lowered my lips to her mouth. And within moments, we were kissing with an urgency that only two love-starved souls could fathom.

As romantic as making out on the ocean’s edge seems, it was more amusing than amorous.  In between tender kisses, we had to spit out salt water in order not to drown ourselves.  Maybe my suction was off, but we kissed, spit, laughed, and repeated.  All in all, a fun evening.  A perfect evening.

I was sad to say good-bye.