Unravel (31 page)

“What if I can’t?” My voice breaks. “What if I’m really fading away and there’s nothing left of me?”

“Impossible.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck. Our foreheads touch and our eyes are inches apart. “Someone can only fade away if there’s nothing left for them. But there’s me and you. We’ll always be something strong enough to keep you going.”

Tears fell from my face and onto the leather of the seat. Lachlan didn’t brush them away and I didn’t want him to brush them away.

I dry my face with the back of my hand and sniffle. I look over at Fairfax with dread. “The last two days I actually felt normal. I want to always feel that way.”

“You’re going to feel that way again. Really soon.”

Lachlan pulls me back into a tight hug. This is the last one. It’s the good-bye hug that I’ve been dreading all day. His grip is tight and it’s like he’s hoping he can press the pieces of my life back together.

I wish he could. I wish it were that simple.

I pull away first and grab the door handle before the second round of tears come. Before I get out and walk away, I kiss Lachlan hard on the lips. My eyes squeeze shut and I grip his shirt. I let my lips linger for a few seconds before I rip myself away.

I jump out of the car and grab my bag. The bitter air makes the warm tears pooling at the edge of my eyes frigid, like a frozen icicle. I think of that icicle on the tree, my icicle, and it gives me enough strength to trudge forward and not look over my shoulder.

Back to hell I go.

“Did you have a fun weekend?”

“I did,” I say, as I close her office door.

Thankfully, she doesn’t ask what I did. I wouldn’t have told. I sit down across from her.

Dr. Rutledge smiles. “I can tell. You look… refreshed.”

“I feel refreshed,” I admit. I turn my head and stare out of the window. It snowed overnight and now there’s a fresh blanket of snow over the land.

“I know you miss him.”

I stare at Dr. Rutledge. Right now, I want to lean forward and ask her who do I miss… Lachlan or Max? Because my heart misses both of them. It is slowly ripping, straight down the middle and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I knew that after I came back to Fairfax I would have to explain the rest of my story. I didn’t sleep last night because of it. I didn’t see Lana’s dad in my room. I just replayed everything I’ve told Rutledge and the small piece that was left to tell. I don’t know if I’m ready.

Dr. Rutledge opens her notebook and grabs a pen and leans back in her chair. Her lips pull up into a smile. “Are you ready?”

“To tell you the rest of my story?”

She nods.

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

She lays her pen back down. “What are you thinking, Naomi?”

“That I’ve never gotten this far in telling my story.”

“Does that scare you?”

I shrug. “Maybe.”

“I think I would be scared too.” She rests her chin on her palm and drums her fingers against her cheek, staring down at her desk thoughtfully. “Having to hold all this to yourself is a large burden to carry. To give it all up would be even harder.”

Hesitantly, I nod, unsure what to do or say.

“We don’t have to do this today,” Dr. Rutledge says. “We can go at your pace. I’m happy with the progress you’ve made.”

So am I. All my progress took long enough but at least it’s happening. I know Dr. Rutledge is right. I know that giving it all up is hard, but it’s what is after my story—the unknown—that is much scarier to me. I feel like I’ve reached an impasse.

I rub my damp palms against the material of my sweat pants, until I create a friction that makes my skin tingle. Yesterday, Lachlan told me to be strong.

Be strong, be strong, be strong.
I whisper over and over to myself until I finally look up at Dr. Rutledge and lift my chin, in what I hope shows my determination.

“I can keep going,” I finally say.

Dr. Rutledge tilts her head, staring. “Are you sure?”

I nod briskly. “I will tell you the rest.”

It was raining. Hundreds of raindrops beaded on the window and dripped down slowly like tears. The red stoplight shone through my windshield and onto my face. I rested my forehead against the cold window and looked out at the street. Right across from me, placed on a newspaper stand was another article with Max on the front page.

He was released on bail over a month ago and it was still an ongoing scandal in McLean. Clients had left his family’s company and their good name was dragged through the mud. Everyone has their own thoughts and speculation. The majority believes it’s true and say they aren’t surprised. A smaller lot are baffled; shocked that Max would ever do such a scandalous thing. But they all have one thing in common: none have reached out to Max or defended him.

The light turned green and I quickly sped away, my tires hissing on the wet pavement. I drove out of McLean and when I pulled into my family’s driveway, I did a quick sweep to make sure no one was home. I didn’t resume college like I was supposed to in August. I told myself that I was just taking a semester off and when everything with Max and Lana died down, I would go back. That didn’t sit well with my parents. They looked at me with disappointment in their eyes. Every time they talked to me, their words were heavy and it was impossible not to hear the accusation in their voices. I was failing and to them that just wasn’t an option.

It was a strange feeling, knowing that I was disappointing them. It had happened in the past, but all my past failures were made up in due time. I didn’t know how to fix this failure, short of going back to school. Everything felt like it was a mess and I was slowly sinking.

Before I got out of my car, I quickly typed out a message to Max that I was going to change real quick and then I would meet him at his house. I held my purse over my head as I ran to the back door. Dozens of birds flew above me. I looked up at them. They formed a sharp V. I watched as they drifted further away, looking like little black dots. I wished I could toss all my problems up and have the birds take them away.

I snorted at my ridiculous thought and glanced at the long stretch of land and trees around me. Nestled within those trees was my cottage. The roof was probably covered by wet leaves the shade of burnt orange and red. Summer disappeared for good a few weeks ago. It took the hot sunny days and bright colors with it, and left the world with falling leaves, cloudy skies, frost-tipped grass, and chilly days. It also took my optimistic spirit and gave me confusion and pain.

But the cottage hadn’t changed. It still held some memories that nothing and no one could take away from me. If I closed my eyes I would remember the way Lachlan had held me and looked at me a year ago. How he had told me he loved me and the way it made me feel like everything would be okay. I wanted that feeling back.

I forgot about changing my clothes. I tossed my purse inside the house. I walked off the porch, as if I was in a trance. My feet slipped a few times on the slick grass, but before I knew it, I was running. Strands of my hair blowing behind me. The cold wind whipping against my face, making my eyes water up. My fingertips were tinged pink by the cold. I quickened my speed and my body started to slowly warm. Adrenaline started to course through my body. I smiled as I approached the thick swarm of trees.

The closer I got, I swear I heard Lachlan’s voice.
God, I love you, Naomi.

I picked up the pace and his voice became louder.
I promise I’ll be here.

I ran through the trees. I pushed branch after branch away from my face. The trees shielded most of the rain above me, but dozens of raindrops still slipped past them and dropped down on my head. I finally reached the clearing and stopped. I was panting as I rested my hands on my knees and stared at the cottage.

It was older and more weather beaten than before. But it was still the same. I smiled and laughed breathlessly.

“You okay?” someone asked behind me.

I gasped and turned.

Lachlan stood there, staring at me thoughtfully. He was drenched from the rain, making his coat look more like a heavy weight than a comfort. His hair was stuck to his neck and his cheeks were slightly red from the cold. He looked out of breath like me.

No hello. No greeting of any kind.

I just said, “How did you find me?”

“I saw you running and followed you.”

We stood there in silence. I was practically numb to the rain falling down around me. This was the first time I was seeing him all summer. I was stunned. I didn’t know whether to break down and cry or run into his arms. I looked at him with a critical eye, looking for any noticeable changes. He was the same.

The last time I had spoken to Lachlan had been on the phone. I had been two days away from leaving campus. Two days away from summer break and driving back to McLean to see Lana. We spoke every day, but there was a mounting tension surrounding us. I had pressure from school. Lachlan wanted to know what was wrong; he wanted to help me. Only, I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. And, I was mad because there was no way for him to help me either.

Before we got off the phone, he had told me he would see me when I got back. I said okay. He said I love you. I loved him right back.

But what happened between then and now? What had the power to pull us apart so vigorously?

“Are you okay?” Lachlan asked.

I blinked away the rain and the past. “I’m fine,” I said faintly.

Lachlan still looked doubtful. He took a step in my direction. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re not acting like it’s nothing.”

Lachlan stared at me, searching for a clue that would prove him right, and if I continued to look at him, he would find it. He stepped forward and reached a hand out. I dodged that hand like it was poison and made sure to keep a good distance between us, but it was killing me.

Lachlan stared at me with a hurt expression.

“Do you know I’m with someone?”

My words were punctuated by the raindrops that were falling in big, angry drops from the sky. Lachlan stopped walking and was perfectly still. He said nothing and at first I thought he didn’t register what I’d said. His eyes narrowed and his jaw became clenched so tightly, a small muscle became visible around his cheek. His head turned a fraction of an inch.

“What?” he said slowly. He didn’t raise his voice over the rain, but I heard him.

“His name is Max. I met him at the beginning of the summer, at a party he was hosting.”

His eyes merely widened.

“Lana was with me,” I rushed. “I mean… I went with her. She had to go because her parents were there and—”

I was rambling and I knew it. Yet it was the blank expression on Lachlan’s face that made me stop talking. His eyebrows were pinched together. Eyes scrunched as if he was trying to peer very carefully at me.

“What are you talking about?” he asked in a low voice.

I stared at him miserably; it was all I could do.

“It’s
me
…” He pushed away part of his jacket and gripped the material of his shirt. “Lachlan.”

“I know that,” I said a little defensively.

“Do you?”

“Of course I do!” I shot back. “I’ve known you practically my entire life!”

Lachlan shook his head. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I opened my mouth, but not a word came out. Lachlan was making me doubt myself. He was making me feel like I was losing my mind. I hated that.

Then he opened his arms up to me. I thought having Max in my life would be enough for me.

I was wrong. I needed them both.

I went to Lachlan willingly. He was so warm and solid and stable. I told myself to breathe in and out, but it wasn’t working. My breathing was harsh, coming out in convulsive gasps. I wished that I could tell him everything that had been happening. I would start from the beginning and tell him Lana’s story. I pictured the pain falling away from my body. Lachlan would listen and I could lay all my fears to rest and things just might be okay.

I said into his chest, “I’m not okay.”