Unstoppable (Fierce) (5 page)

“I’m trying,” I told her. “It’s not easy.”

“There will always be critics and detractors. I’m actually grateful for them.”

I thought about all the hateful things that had been said about me. I couldn’t imagine being grateful for any of that.
“How so?”

“Think about it. Which would you rather have?
An honest, hateful critic? Or a sweet, lying backstabber? If someone hates you, for whatever reason – whether justified or not – at least you know where you stand. With a lying backstabber, they still hate you the same, but just drag it out more. I’ve had girls who hate me just as much as the vocal groupie in the front row who thinks I’m too fat or ugly to win ‘her’ man, but they used friendships with me to get closer to their objective. At least with a hater, I can dismiss their comments and get on with my life.”

“It’s hard to dismiss some of the things they say,” I said.

She put her arm around my shoulder. “For every person saying something negative about you, there are a thousand people who wish for a tenth of your courage to put yourself out there in the first place. The only way a hater beats you is if he or she stops you. Let them light a fire under your ass so you can show ‘em what you’re made of.”

I kept her words in mind when I went back onstage for the encore of “Make It Happen.” Instead of singing to the crowd, I was singing to myself. And that night, when all the lights were dimmed and the crowd had dispersed, I walked into
Jace’s arms and closed my hotel room on anything but his loving embrace.

His groupies got him for two hours.

I was going to love him for a lifetime.

CHAPTER THREE

San Francisco, CA

January 1
7, 2012

We arrived a day early in San Francisco beca
use Titanium and Lace, a hip and popular clothier located in the city, wanted to meet with Jace for a possible endorsement. The clothes were geared toward an eclectic blend of hipsters and urban youth, and they wanted Jace’s model good looks to be the new face of their ad campaign.

Jace was ready to blow it off entirely, but I encouraged him to take advantage of the opportunity. “Might as well strike while the iron is hot,” I advised as I twirled my finger along the chiseled perfection of his chest.

“I agree,” he grinned as he pushed me back on the bed. After he’d thought about it, though, he realized that it was great PR for the show. The producers of
Fierce
set out to prove anyone could chase any dream. Why not put someone the world often dismissed as handicapped or lesser than on the cover of every single fashion magazine from coast to coast, the poster boy to what was hip and current? It opened a door to other models, honoring individuality over the ever-elusive state of perfection.

It wasn’t
his favorite endorsement by far. He’d already been tapped to endorse a new motorcycle, designed to match his sleeve tattoo. It was deeply layered with things that meant something to him, and he would add layers to document each stage of his life. Before the war, he opted for a waving American flag over a lightning backdrop. After the war, he added a proud eagle flying across the face of the flag, holding an olive branch of peace in its beak to signify his quest for peace over battle. Now there was a banner below the eagle, which stated simply: “Dream Big. Live Large. BE FIERCE.” It was sexy, hard core and patriotic – which summed up Jace’s philosophy toward life.

He made it clear to me that if Titanium and Lace wanted to cover up this proud piece, he’d walk on the deal entirely.

Turned out, though, the executives at Titanium and Lace were more than accommodating. The only caveat they seemed insistent upon was that they wanted to do a couples theme in order to show off their men’s and women’s fashion. Jace had suggested me immediately, given I was the runner-up to
Fierce
. Unfortunately, their sizing cut off at XL, a size I had left in the taillights in middle school. Even now, after losing the weight I had lost, I still found myself reaching for a 2X for the truest fit. In some shops, I could get away with a 1X, it just depended upon how large the sizes ran.

Some stores made me feel skinnier than others, but places like Titanium and Lace – l
ike many hipster clothing spots – made me feel like a freak living off the grid entirely.

“They want to set me up with another model,” he told me on the phone, as the car brought him back to the hotel. “It doesn’t feel right if it’s not you.”

“I don’t want you to miss this opportunity,” I replied. “I mean, it’s a photo shoot. It’s not marriage.”

“There are other clothing lines. If I’m supposed to represent the inclusivity of our show, then shouldn’t it include all of us from
Fierce
? And if it doesn’t, why would I be supporting it?”

I shrugged, though he couldn’t see. I was used to
these types of hurdles when shopping for clothes. That was why I could never get excited about it unless it was a specialized boutique, made to honor and celebrate my particular figure. These other restrictions were the standards we all had to live by. It seemed silly to penalize Jace when he’d worked so hard for these opportunities. I said as much to him.

“Maybe I’ll get Lavender,” he said, and I could almost hear the smirk over the
phone as he referred to our loud and proud transgender cast mate.

“I’d love to see that!” I chuckled.

Later that night, when the rest of the gang had arrived and checked into the hotel, we all headed to the Haight for pizza. It was a noisy crowd that got even rowdier as the beer flowed and the pizza pies stacked up on the four tables we all occupied. Shelby gravitated toward Jace and me, her
Fierce
family she felt truly safest around. She turned to Jace. “How did it go with Titanium and Lace?” she asked.

Jace shrugged. “I still haven’t decided,” he answered.

She tackled another piece of pesto pizza. “What are you waiting for? I’d be all over that in a heartbeat,” she said. “It’s one of my favorite stores. I love their mod pieces the best.”

“Maybe I should give them your name
instead,” he joked, but Shelby’s face fell.

“
They wouldn’t use me. I’m not really getting endorsements,” she said as she loaded her slice with parmesan cheese. “Just local stuff around Nashville. I thought coming in third would be a bigger opportunity, but you and Jordi seem to have the biggest draw.”

Randy nodded. “If it weren’t for DIB, I’d probably still have to hustle just to wring as much as I could out of my eighth place finish, too. Milo got a Broadway show and Lavender snagged a Las Vegas review, but the rest of us faded to black the minute the final credits rolled.”

“I don’t know how big of a draw I have,” I told her. “I couldn’t get a gig with Titanium and Lace because they don’t make my size.” Suddenly, a light bulb appeared over my head. I turned to Jace. “Why don’t you suggest Shelby to T&L?”

Her eyes widened as she stared at us. “Are you kidding?”

I shook my head. “They want him to do couple spreads. Why not two of the top three
Fierce
contestants? That way you’ll get your name and face out there so people won’t forget you.”

“Strike while the iron is hot,” Jace agreed
, parroting my advice to him. He glanced over at me to see if I was truly OK with the idea, but I thought it was a perfect way for everyone to get exposure. Why let some nameless model ride Jace’s coattails, when Shelby had worked hard to shape her brand over the past year?

“If you’re sure,” she
said, her big, blue eyes wide and hopeful as she stared up at Jace. He hesitated a minute or so before he gave her a tender smile. “Sure. I’ll send them a message tonight.”

My gut tightened and I immediately second-guessed suggesting her, especially since
Titanium and Lace was all over it by morning. They loved the idea of using two finalists from the show, and I could imagine they were doing somersaults in their offices that they got two of the most picture perfect ones of the bunch. They set their plan into motion so that everything could be set up for a preliminary photo spread by Friday morning. Shelby was a chatty, little ball of an excitement as we cruised around the Bay at sunset on a luxury cruising boat that Thursday night.

She kept asking Jace his opinion on how they should pose and what she should wear, and he patiently indulged her. I gritted my teeth and tried to tune it out as we st
ood near the railing. Instead I focused on the majestic skyline of San Francisco coming to life with a thousand twinkling lights that seemed to skip across the rippling water to reach us.

“
She’s just excited
,” I kept telling myself. “
She’s not being possessive, she’s understandably enthusiastic. Besides. This was my idea
.”

She shivered against the chilly night air, clutching her big coat around her tiny shoulders. She talked until her teeth clattered, and Jace – gentleman that he was – decided to wrap one of his big arms around her quaking shoulders to provide extra warmth.

She gave him a grateful smile that only provoked the green-eyed monster deep inside me. I knew she loved him, why had I thrust her at him like a big, raw steak to a starving lion?

I stole a glance at him through the corner of my eye. He seemed perfectly content to hold her in his arm as we watched the city go by. It made me wonder about their kiss eons ago, when he had been drinking and kissed her because I had disappeared with Eddie.

What had it been like? What had it looked like? Had he pulled her close, or had she leaned in?

And
most importantly, if I were not in the picture right now, would they be doing it again?

Despite the romantic grandeur of the tour, or the rest of the night that followed, my mood was definitely in the shitter by the time we reached the hotel
. Shelby, who had just turned 22, wanted to celebrate a nightcap with Jace, to toast their good fortune with the T&L campaign. She was, in her very subtle way, trying to get rid of the one she considered the “third wheel” – the married lady who wasn’t old enough to get into the bar.

Off her hopeful glance, I sent them on ahead with a feigned yawn. My head was low all the way up to the room.
As much as I didn’t want to think about it, I kept imagining the scenarios with them in the pool back at the finalist mansion, when they had kissed for the first, and Jace had assured, the last time.

I knew Jace well enough to know that he wasn’t the kind of guy to kiss any girl who happened to be in his reach. After Amy dumped him, he had shunned female attention, afraid of his heart being broken again by trusting the wrong girl. I was the first one he kissed, the first one he’d made love to, the first one he had wanted more than he had feared.

So his decision to add Shelby to that list was significant. I knew they were friends, and had spent quite a bit of time talking – privately – probably sharing the same deep secrets both of them had shared with me. I really couldn’t imagine a scenario where Jace might have willfully used her out of convenience, the same way Eddie always had used me.

No, he had kissed her because he wanted to. He had been attracted to her, enough to want to cross over the
line of friendship for a taste of her lips.

Why wouldn’t he want to have sex with her? Eddie certainly did. She was petite, with glowing blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and was, at the very heart of it, a sweet person that Jace must have trusted on some level to give
himself over like that.

And now they were in a bar together. He was, no doubt, sharing a celebratory drink with her. Maybe with every sip, he’d remember why he wanted to kiss her in that pool in the first place. I could imagine them sitting close in an intimate little booth, his head bent towards hers to hear what she was saying in the noisy, crowded bar. She’d place her tiny hand on his thigh as she’d bend to whisper in his ear. He’d laugh, they’d look into one another’s eyes and time would stretch as another kiss hung in the air.

Would he look away from her beseeching eyes? Or would his gaze drift to those pink, perfect lips and remember what they felt like, what they tasted like?

Would he want more?

My masochistic brain pulled a memory from the Eddie files.

“
If it makes a man an asshole to want beautiful, sexy, thin women
,” he had told me once, “
then all men are assholes
.”

“
Not all men
.” I tried to insist, but he was quick to correct me.

“
I suppose you think your Bionic Boy is any different
.”

“
I know he is
,” I had asserted.

“
Why
?” he challenged. “
Because he told you some pretty, flowery things that made you feel less gross about yourself? He’s a man. Men lie. They say what they want to get what they want. But inside we’re all the same
.”

I rattled my head to free myself
from such depressing thoughts. I was driving myself crazy. This was my idea, I reminded myself again. Jace wasn’t Eddie, not even remotely. Shelby was our friend and we both wanted to help her. He had never given me any reason not to trust him.