Until Next Time (31 page)

“Like I said, he’s fond of you. And I wasn’t ready to admit that I’d lost you.”

She squeezed his arm. “I’m so sorry, Quinn.”

“Don’t be. It was only fair of you.”

“No, it wasn’t. Why didn’t you come home?”

He slanted her a look, not sure if he should tell her the next part. “Because I was hoping you’d change your mind. I was right there in Vegas the whole time.”

Her mouth dropped open. “I…I…”

He twisted out of her grip and clasped his hands together on his knees. “You don’t have to say it. It was pathetic, I know. You made your intentions clear.”

“No, Quinn.” She scooted closer, her warmth washing over him. “It was sweet to hope I’d change my mind. You didn’t want to give up…even when I did.” Her voice started to quiver the slightest bit. “I wasn’t ready to admit a lot of things two weeks ago. I never thought I could come face to face with the fact that I was head-over-heels in love with you. I said it—and meant it—but I still wasn’t ready to deal with it yet. I was terrified.” A shaky hand covered his. “I asked you to marry me before I could even process everything. I pushed you away…”

“You didn’t push me away, Piper, you asked for what you wanted; there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It’s not that simple, Quinn. I didn’t ask for something I wanted because I
wanted
it.”

“What?”

Her head dipped. “I didn’t want to love you, but I did. I
do.
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to marry you. I asked you because we love each other, and I needed to know if you loved me enough to break your rules. Like I broke mine for you.”

“You mean you didn’t really want to get married? You used that as an excuse?”

Tears glimmered in her eyes. “Yes.
No.
Dealing with this is hard, and I needed—”

He jumped up. “Do you know what I’ve been going through these past two weeks? How heartbroken I’ve been?”

She gulped hard, drawing his attention to the slender curve of her neck. She tasted wonderful there.

“I imagine you were feeling just a terrible as I was. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked you to marry me. I should’ve accepted your love and let you accept mine. I didn’t know what to do with what I was feeling.” She rose, carefully easing toward him. “But I know now.”

His pulse beat in his ears. “What changed?”

Her fragile looking shoulder lifted and fell. “I’ve gone two weeks without your voice…feeling your touch.”

His jaw clenched as a memory of their lovemaking filtered into his brain.

“I would stare at the thorny stem you gave me for hours on end and hold this…” She dug something out of her pocket and held it up. The
Until Next Time
medallion glimmered under the fluorescent lights. “Wondering if I let the one good thing that’s happened to me in over a decade walk right out my door without stopping him. Actually, I
had
done that, and it was my fault. I hurt, Quinn.” She inspected the medallion, running her fingers over the smooth face before jamming it back in her pocket and locking eyes with him. “I hurt in a way I haven’t hurt in a long time. Here.” She pointed to her stomach. “And here.” She pointed to her head. “But most importantly, I’m dying right here.” Her fingers touched the spot right over her heart.

His pulse raged, threatening to make him light-headed.

“I walked in a daze, a part of my life missing. When Gavin came to see me, all the pieces fell into place.”

He tensed at the mention of the man. “What happened?” Quinn was barely able to push the words out of his tight lips.

Her eyes went distant, searching for something over Quinn’s shoulder. “Do you remember when I asked you, when we first started dating, about being monogamous? About how hard it would be to date someone
not
like me and so easy to date some
like
me?”

A tick started in his jaw. “Yes.”

“Well, I was referring to Gavin. When we first met, I’d begun seeing you and he had asked me out. We are so much alike, it’s scary.” She turned away from him then, walking several steps in the other direction, hands waving at her sides. “It would have been so easy with him. I knew that from beginning. He would want what I wanted. No strings, no attachments, nothing.”

“So why didn’t you date him, then?”

Her head tilted over her shoulder, and she eyed him carefully. “Because he didn’t make me think like you did. He didn’t make me feel like you did.”

Quinn rubbed his throbbing temples.

“That became even more evident when he came to my house today and kissed me…” She turned back away from him.

It was all Quinn could do to stay in one spot. He wanted to pace the room, he wanted to scream his frustration, he wanted to erase that picture from his memory.

“But he showed me something I’d been running from…” Her voice was but a whisper. “He showed me exactly what you said another man would make me feel.
Nothing.
Even though I knew he would literally be the perfect match for me, I felt nothing. I didn’t want to feel anything. I only thought of you and the heat that I so desperately missed. The smile that lit up my life. Your eyes that looked straight into my heart. It was you, Quinn. I wanted you.”

Slowly she turned, her sad, yet hopeful expression nearly doing him in. He could only stare at her beauty, her wonder and complexity.

“I still only want you…no matter what that means.”

He wanted to rush to her, cradle her in his embrace. Wrap his love around her forever. But he knew—more than he knew anything—that one day Piper would need more than his love.

“Piper.” His voice was choked. “I love you. God, do I love you.” He shook his head, grief surrounding him. “Tell me what you told me the day we discussed love and marriage. The day you told me you didn’t love…”

Concern flickered across her face. “I changed my mind—”

“Tell me what you told me, Piper. I need to hear it again.”

She drew her bottom lip into her mouth. Silence stretched between them as she shifted from one foot to the other.

“Please, Piper. We have to be honest with each other about how we feel. About what we need.” His chest ached, blood raging thorough his veins at what he was asking. “I’ll tell you what I said. I told you I believe in love. Wholeheartedly. That it’s beautiful and magical. It’s something to share with someone special and embrace them every day. But I also said I won’t marry again—ever. I gave my one and only promise to a woman who died practically in my arms. Before we had a chance to make a life, raise a family, hell, even live together.”

Piper’s eyes went wide.

“My love for her was pure, innocent, and young, but it was strong. My love for you is deep, mature, permanent, and every bit as strong. Stronger in some ways. Each of you holds very different parts of me. And I can’t let those parts collide.”

“Oh, Quinn.” She stepped forward, but Quinn held up his hand to stop her.

“Maddie changed me, Piper, and I can’t change the promise I gave her. That’s what I told you.”

“I don’t want them to collide.” Her voice was a full on shake, threatening to make Quinn crumble. “I love you.”

“I know. God, I know.” He titled his head and studied her pained expression. She wasn’t ready for this conversation. He could sense it…
feel
it vibrating from her. “Tell me what you told me that day, Piper.”

“I…” She clenched her eyes. “I told you I don’t love.”

When she said nothing else, Quinn spoke again. “But you did. You do.”

“Yes.”

“And what else did you tell me? I need to hear it. You need to hear it.”

“After you told me you didn’t believe in marriage, I told you I did.”

His feet quickly ate up the space between them. With his thumb, he wiped a tear from her warm cheek, his heart disintegrating in his chest. “And how was it that someone who didn’t believe in love, believes in marriage, Piper?”

Her lashes fluttered. What he wouldn’t give to kiss away her pain.

She cleared her throat and looked squarely at him. “Because I said if people were stupid enough to fall in love, hopelessly devoted to each other, they should make that commitment in front of God and their family…to be together…forever.”

He drew in a slow breath through his nostrils. “And is this how you still feel?”

She cast her eyes away.

“Piper? Is it?”

“Yes.”

And there it was. A blow to his chest that nearly knocked him over. He knew how hard it was for Piper to admit her love. He knew what it had taken for her to overcome her fears. He knew how much she was putting herself on the line. It was his fault. He’d broken his promise to her as much as he’d tried not to. And even though Piper wanted to be with him, and as badly as he wanted to be with her, in the end, she would ask for something he would never be able to give her.

He had no problem giving her his heart, his loyalty, his undying love, but he couldn’t give her his commitment.

“You deserve someone who can give you that,” he whispered, his voice not sounding at all like himself. “You have come so far to even love, Piper, you deserve to married. To be happy…forever.”

“No, Quinn.” She took his hand. “I deserve you, however I can get you. You are the one who made me see everything.”

“I made you see everything you didn’t want to see. Everything you still don’t want to see. I think, deep down, that’s why you asked me to marry you, because you weren’t ready for this.” He flicked finger between them.

“That’s not true—”

“Perhaps you didn’t see it then, but I imagine your proposal meant more than what you thought it meant. I can’t be certain what you are thinking then or now. One thing is true for me even though it’s killing me on the inside: this won’t work, Piper. You were right.”

Her hands went limp and slid from his. “You mean that,” she mumbled. “You truly think I deserve a happily-ever-after.
I do’s
.”

“It’s true. I want the world for you, Piper. You deserve everything I can’t give you.”

Her eyes flared. “You gave me your love. Isn’t that enough?”

“Not according to what you just said…what you believe. Tell me it’s not true.”

Her expression flickered. “I…want…”

“To marry the person you love.”

Her pink cheeks filled with a puff of air, and she stepped away from him. He flinched at the distance, but understood it. Hated it. But deserved it himself.

“Yes,” she answered, her face going lifeless, her nutmeg eyes fading into darkness. “I would eventually want to marry the man I love. But not now…”

“Not ever, Piper. Not with me.” His throat constricted, his own eyes misting with anguish.

Her bottom lip quivered. “So that’s it? After I walked over my own fire to get where I am today? After you changed me?”

He closed his eyes, allowing the radiating pain through his chest to strengthen, nearly buckling his knees. He deserved it.

“I’m afraid so, Piper. God knows I don’t want to let you go, but God also knows that you need more than I could possibly give you.”

He heard her breathless sigh. Felt the brush of her shoulder as she passed him. Smelled the wonderful scent that washed over him.

“One more thing before I go, Quinn.” Her voice was distant and lost, same as his would be if he spoke. “Here’s your medallion. I won’t need it anymore.”

He heard it clink on the table, nearly shattering his eardrums.

“Do you remember when we walked in the graveyard?” Her voice was distant now, lost. “You told me that your gravestone should read
Here lies a man who got all he ever wanted.
Remember, Quinn? And you told me that life wasn’t worth living unless you lived it to the fullest. You showed me my fullest, and for that, I’m grateful. Now it’s time for you to find yours.”

Quinn gulped, his own words coming back to haunt him. “Piper—”

“I was right, you know,” she said.

He opened his eyes and turned to face her. Her back was to him, her hand on the door knob. “Right about what?”

“Love
is
selfish. Thank you…for reminding me of that.”

She jerked the door open and stepped out before he could respond. Not that he could say anything with his throat so tight. Not that he could take away her pain. He couldn’t even take away his. His was going to die from it, he could feel it. But this is what Piper needed. She needed all of someone. And he couldn’t do that.

And he hated himself for it.

With his whole body tingling from despair, he crumpled down into the chair, cradling his head in his hands.

He could have been there for minutes or hours and not realized it. His head was spinning and pounding, and he felt for sure if he stood up, his heart would fall right out of his chest.

A soft touch on his shoulder startled him to alertness.

“What have you done, son?” His grandpa spoke from behind him.