Until Now (24 page)

The next week passed in a haze of waiting…waiting for Taylor to decide she was ready to make up, waiting for a text from Ryan, waiting to find an apartment that was both suitable
and
affordable on my salary and the small living allowance I’d gotten from student loan.

By the end of the week, I’d almost given up on any of these things ever happening.

On Monday evening, exactly a week after the final blow-up with Ryan, I was just about to head out for my mid-shift break when the door swung open and Jane Monahan walked into Bay Street Fitness.

Oh God, I thought, coercing my feet to move forward. Was she here to tell me off for how I’d treated her son? Wade tolerated a lot from me, but engaging in a verbal fight with a sixty-year-old woman in front of the reception desk would probably cross a line.

“Hi,” I said when I reached her. She looked tanned and summery in white linen capris and a lime-colored blouse that made her eyes look more green than hazel. I realized suddenly that I’d missed her, even though it had only been two weeks since we’d last seen each other.

Jane nodded at me, then glanced around. “This gym is nicer than the one in the mall downtown,” she said in greeting.

“My boss would love to hear you say that.” I gestured behind me to Wade, who’d just emerged from his office and was stalking off into the gym area. Jane’s eyes widened at the sight of his bulging muscles.

“Goodness,” she said, staring. If I hadn’t been so nervous, I would’ve laughed and probably teased her.

“I’m just heading out to pick up some dinner,” I said instead.

“Perfect. We’ll go to that sub place across the street.”

I hated the sub place across the street, but clearly I had no choice in the matter. She threaded her arm through mine and directed me toward the door and outside. She was freakishly strong for an older women.

In the sub shop, we ordered and then sat at a small table with our food. Jane bit into her roast beef sub and grimaced.

“This is terrible,” she said after swallowing.

I said nothing, just nibbled on my veggie sub, the only thing here that didn’t come with a substantial risk of food poisoning.

“Okay, I’m just going to be blunt here,” Jane said, pushing the offending sub away and clasping her hands in front of her. I stiffened. Though I’d never experienced it firsthand, I’d heard about mothers whose claws came out when someone messed with one of their kids. “I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Ryan, but—”

“He didn’t tell you?” I cut in, unable to help myself.

“Not everything. When he’s hurting, he keeps it to himself. He always has.”

My throat constricted, making it impossible for me to swallow the mushy clump of tomato in my mouth.
He’s hurting. I hurt him
. “Nicole didn’t mention anything?” I said when I finally managed to gulp it down.

“Nicole tends to overdramatize.” She waved a hand, dismissing this. “As I was saying,” she continued, giving me a quelling look in case I was thinking about interrupting her again. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but that’s fine. It’s not my business. I just hope whatever it is didn’t scare you away from the rest of us. You haven’t shown up for dinner for the past two Sundays.”

“I didn’t think…I mean, Ryan and I—”

“Not my business,” she repeated, cutting me off this time. “I can’t say I’m overly pleased with you for hurting him. He’s still so vulnerable. Everything he went through these past few years with Chelsea…” She gazed off into the distance, watching the scuzzy-looking guy behind the counter slap together a foot-long for the next poor customer. “She did a real number on him, you know. Maybe it was too soon for him to fall in love again.”

A sip of diet Coke slid down my windpipe, making me cough. Did she just say
fall in love
?

“Anyway,” Jane went on, meeting my eyes again. “It’s unfortunate that you two had a falling out, but that doesn’t mean you’re banned from our house, Robin. I invited you over that first time because I knew you needed family. A support system. That hasn’t changed.”

The steely, determined look in her eyes pinned me to my seat, and I knew she must’ve been a fantastic guidance counselor before she retired. She knew exactly what to say to disarm me.

“Okay,” I said, still thrown over the
fall in love
comment.

“Great. So you’re still coming to our anniversary party on Saturday, then.”

I backtracked, trying to figure out how Jane and Graham’s anniversary party fit into this conversation. “I guess. If everyone…wants me to.”

“Of course we do.” She glanced at her watch and then got to her feet, leaving her barely-touched sub on the table. “Party starts at two. We’ll see you then.”

I thought of Nicole, who would surely drown me in the punchbowl the first chance she got. And Ryan, who probably didn’t want me there any more than his sister did. Then I thought of Mason…those irresistible brown curls, that half-dimpled smile, the comforting little-boy scent that always lessened some of the ache in my heart.

“Yeah,” I said to Jane as she turned away, her mission here complete. “See you then.”

* * *

It took me ten minutes to find a parking spot near the Monahans’ car-filled driveway, and then another five minutes to walk to the house from where I’d parked. By the time I actually made it into the backyard, where dozens of people stood or sat in lawn chairs on the grass, I felt like I was about to throw up all over my cute yellow sundress.

I stood off to the side, near the gate in the privacy fence, and nervously glanced around. Going by the turn-out, Jane and Graham had a lot of friends and family, all of whom were now drinking and laughing and glistening under the hot sun. I felt like I did the first time I’d shown up here for dinner—like a mutant stray who’d been dragged in off the streets. Only this time I had even more eyes on me, most notably the forty-something man standing a few feet away, whose gaze was devouring my body like I was one of the pieces of meat currently smoldering on the grill. This spurred me to move forward, away from the fence and toward the deck.

“Robin!”

The knot in my stomach loosened a bit when I saw Jane step out onto the deck, her skin glowing against the white fabric of her wrap dress. She headed right for me, leaning in to give me a light hug and thank me for coming. When she pulled back, I handed her the card I’d brought.

“Happy anniversary,” I said just as Mason burst out the deck door, adorably dressed in khaki shorts and a blue plaid shirt. Ryan followed a few seconds later, looking equally as cute but in an entirely different way. He’d gotten more tanned since the last time I’d seen him, like he’d actually spent some time outdoors, in the sun, instead of holed up in the dingy bookstore for hours on end. His pale blue eyes stood out even more against the bronze shade of his skin.

I hadn’t laid eyes on him in twelve long days, since our fight at the bookstore, and looking at him now was almost painful. He must have felt something similar, because all he did was nod at me once and then turn away, sinking into an empty patio chair next to Kenji, who held a conked-out Ellie in his arms. Ryan initiated a conversation with his brother-in-law, ignoring me completely, and once again I felt like an outcast. It had been a mistake, coming here.

“Sit down,” Jane said. Oblivious to the tension between Ryan and me, she steered me over to a just-vacated lawn chair near the deck. “I’ll get you a cold drink.”

“I’ll get it,” I said, urging her toward the lawn chair instead. “It’s your anniversary. Sit down and relax.”

She gave a tinkling laugh and replied, “When have I ever done
that
?” But she sat down anyway, fanning her face with her hand and smiling at the gray-haired lady stationed in the chair beside her. “Okay, I suppose I could have a little chat with Rhonda here.”

I left her with Rhonda and climbed the stairs to the deck, avoiding Ryan’s gaze as I passed by him on my way to the door. Inside, the kitchen was dark and cool, the counters and table littered with typical barbecue paraphernalia like napkins and plates and cutlery. I opened the fridge, in search of diet Coke, and was greeted by stacks of casserole dishes and plastic-wrapped meat, awaiting its turn on the grill. And a shelf stuffed full with alcohol.

Beer, wine, coolers…the sight was a veritable candy store to me at the moment. Just one. Just one bottle of beer or one glass of wine would help me get through this. It would ease the pain in my stomach that flared whenever my gaze landed on Ryan. I hadn’t touched a drop since that horrible night at Fusion two weeks ago, but now, with temptation right in front of me, I could feel my resolve weakening.

Someone entered the kitchen then, snapping me out of my trance. Swiftly, I reached for a can of Coke instead and turned around, expecting to see another stranger passing through on their way back from the bathroom. My spine stiffened when I realized it was Nicole.

She noticed me standing there and paused, her eyes taking on that same icy gleam I saw in Ryan’s when he caught me with Cody. “What are you doing here?” she demanded, like I’d sneaked through the window like an intruder, here to steal the silverware.

“Your, uh, your mom,” I said, feeling the Coke can crinkle slightly under my grip. “She invited me.”

Her blond eyebrows shot up in surprise, then furrowed again as she studied me. “Hmm,” she said, and that one sound told me everything—she hadn’t known I was coming, she didn’t agree with her mother’s choice, and she wished she were closer to the knife block on the counter beside me. “And you actually showed up. Bold decision on your part.”

If by
bold
she meant
stupid
, then I had to agree. “Thanks?” I said, unsure of her intentions. She looked like she wanted to do what she’d threatened weeks ago—injure my spleen and then the rest of me for good measure—but Nicole was nothing if not unpredictable.

“It wasn’t a compliment,” she said coolly. “My mother might be the neutral-minded compassionate type, but I’m not.”

She continued on her way across the kitchen and stepped outside, leaving me alone in front of the still-open fridge. Hesitating for half a second, I replaced the can of Coke in its spot on the door and grabbed a bottle of Corona instead. With me, temptation almost always won out.

Beer in hand, I headed back outside. Ryan and Kenji had disappeared from the deck, replaced by two women I’d never seen before. Jane and Graham were now holding court in the yard, entertaining some guests with stories about their wedding day, thirty-five years ago. Nicole was among them, a slight smile on her face as she listened to her parents reminisce. Then she glanced up, catching me watching her, and the smile wilted into a scowl.

I stood there on the deck and sipped my beer, wondering where I should go. Or
if
I should go. Just because Jane had steamrolled me into coming here didn’t mean I had to stay, right? While I debated, one of the women seated on the patio chairs got up and approached me. She looked about Jane’s age. Probably one of her friends. “You must be Ryan’s girlfriend,” she said, smiling at me and holding out her hand. “It’s so nice to meet you. Jane speaks of you often.”

“Oh, um…” I shook her hand briefly. “It’s nice to meet you too. Excuse me, I was just about to…” I gestured toward the yard and the woman retreated with an understanding wave. I left the safety of the deck, even though I didn’t feel comfortable or welcome enough to join in on any conversations taking place on the lawn.

After a few minutes of wandering aimlessly, I came across an empty chair and sat down, wedging my almost-empty beer between my leg and the arm rest. Appetizers were making the rounds, but my stomach felt too tight to accept anything but liquid. Jane’s friend’s words echoed in my head as I drained the rest of my Corona.
Ryan’s girlfriend
. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment I’d gone from someone he liked to kiss to someone important enough to earn that particular title, but that
was
what I’d become. His girlfriend. And he’d been my boyfriend, until I fucked it all up and regressed our relationship status back to “nothing” again.

I scanned my surroundings until I found him, standing by the patch of bushes at the opposite end of the yard and chatting with the man who’d ogled me earlier. He had his back to me, so he didn’t notice my staring. And I was so focused on watching him that
I
didn’t notice Mason until he was right beside me, his hand tapping my leg.

“Robin, I fell down and hurt my elbow,” he said in a small voice, his bottom lip quivering like he was trying to keep it together in front of all these people.

“You did?” I examined the elbow in question, which was red and scraped but not bleeding. I blew on his skin to get rid of any dirt that may have clung there and then kissed it lightly. “There,” I said, smiling at him. “All better.”

He sniffled and reached his arms up for a hug, either in thanks or because he’d just realized he hadn’t seen me in a while and missed me. Either way, I was happy to cuddle him against my shoulder and rest my cheek against his soft curls. He wrapped his arms around my neck, almost choking me, but that was fine too. I’d needed a hug just as much as he did.