Until the End of the World (Book 2): And After (22 page)

“This thing is great,” I say to Ana from where I kneel in the foot well. “You should try yours.”

She climbs onto my seat and levels it out the window. She gets off three shots, taking down three Lexers, and says, “I’m in love.”

We run through the remaining bolts until there are less than ten. There’s no need to keep quiet at this point, so we pull out our pistols. A woman with a missing nose hits the door with a snarl. Ana pushes her backward before firing.

They’re close enough that head shots are simple. And it’s good target practice, something we don’t get often. When they all lay on the grass, we exit into the heat of the day. Ana leans on the ambulance and surveys the scene with satisfaction. Her hair is wet, and her face shimmers with sweat, but she looks as happy as I feel. We just killed two hundred Lexers, and near-death experience or not, I’m pretty proud. But it was the first and last time; the road that crumbled is now barely wide enough for one car.

“Well,” I say, “you almost killed us.”

“Cassie! I did not—” She turns to see me grinning. “Shut up! It worked, like I said it would.”

“It did, but it won’t again. Look at the road.”

“We could fit,” she argues.

I shield my eyes from the sun and stare her down. “No. Now it’d just be stupid, not that it wasn’t before. And, since you’re going to be grounded forever, it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Ana’s eyes are so wide I can see the white all around. “Peter’s going to flip, isn’t he?”

“Oh, yeah,” I say. “That’s one way of describing it.”

“You two are crazy,” Rohan says as he passes by our dinner table. “Nice work.”

I keep a straight face because we’re sitting with a slew of pissed-off people. Peter is pissed beyond belief, Penny is super pissed, James is whatever Penny tells him to be, Maureen is concerned and John is perturbed. It’s been a fun dinner thus far. Ana eats her chicken pot pie in silence, glancing at other tables with a quick grin that makes Peter’s jaw grind. Dan and the others haven’t dared to sit with us tonight, and Bits is having a sleepover with Jasmine.

I can’t take it anymore. “Okay, we know you’re mad. But it worked, and we’re fine. No one else is angry.”

“It was two hundred,” Ana adds. “That many might be able to knock the fence down. The south trench isn’t done.”

Penny flashes me and Ana the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen and rises. “C’mon, James.”

She stalks out and James follows, but not before turning back eagerly. “You’ll tell me all the details tomorrow, right? I wish I could’ve seen it.” He gives a thumbs up at our nods and races out.

“You could have died,” John says, his face severe, “and for what? We could have outlined a way to do something like this, with more safeties in place. We have enough fuel to start the south side. You guys’ll get more while you’re in Quebec, and we’ll be good to go.”

“You’re right, John,” I say, and push my food around my plate. He’s managed to make me repentant without yelling. “I’m sorry.”

I’m not that sorry, though, because Bits never would have gone on her sleepover had the Lexers reached the fence. She’d be sitting here right now, face pinched and pale. And later she would have been up screaming.

“We love you girls, that’s all,” Maureen says gently. “We don’t want to lose you.”

I look away. My bags are packed for a guilt trip, but I don’t hop on the train. No matter how much they love me, I still end up in bed alone. But I guess I can’t expect them to understand. We’ve all lost people, I know, but no one but Caleb and I has lost anyone from our new life. I kick back my chair and bring my plate to the empty seat at Liz and Dan’s table.

“Girl, you in trouble,” Liz sings.

“Tell me about it,” I say.

I glance back. Everyone at the table watches me with disappointment, except for Ana, who looks jealous. I stick my tongue out at her. She pretends to scratch her chin with her middle finger, and my new table breaks into laughter.

“It
was
dangerous,” Dan says. I turn to him and sigh. He lifts his hands. “Just saying. It was also awesome, but no one at this table wants you to fall into the quarry, either.”

“That was a huge pod,” I argue, “and if they came to the fence it’d be a mess to clean up. And I know the fence is strong, but just a single Lexer—look at Whitefield.”

“I would’ve come if you hadn’t blown past us,” Liz says. She takes a bite of dinner. Caleb watches the fork move to her mouth and head to her plate again. He averts his gaze when she stops, fork halfway to her mouth, and catches him in the act.

“I’m thirsty,” she says. Caleb takes her cup and heads to the back without a word. Liz sighs. “No matter how many times I tell him no, he won’t stop.”

“Well, at least you’re putting him to work,” Shawn says. He strokes his new goatee and adds, “You know none of us would care, right? If you guys hooked up?”

Jamie nods, her eyes bright. “I think it’d be cool. Who else are you going to date? Dan?”

“Hey!” Dan says. Jamie blows him a kiss.

Liz closes her eyes and shudders. “Absolutely not, you guys. He’s like my little brother.”

I’ve finally dragged myself to art class. I keep promising Bits I’ll do it, and then I sleep through. She finally stopped asking, which makes me feel even worse. It’s not like there’s much to do; all the kids are working on comics and graphic novels now.

“I’ll try to get some comics when I’m on patrol in a few days,” I tell the kids, and ignore Penny’s glare.

“And some paper,” Hank reminds me from where he and Bits sit.

“You got it.”

Hank thanks me, but Bits acts like I’m invisible. Her relief that the Lexers didn’t make it to the fence has translated into several nights of unbroken sleep, but that doesn’t mean she was pleased with me once she heard. I thought she would be, since there was nothing to fear. Everything feels wrong between us, and I know I’m to blame. I’ve changed, not her. But what’s better—a sad, crying mother figure, or one who at least does her best to protect you? It appears they both suck.

After class, I walk through the vegetable garden and come upon Ana hiding under the tomato plants. She has bags under her eyes, probably due to the heated conversations I hear from the other bedroom every night.

“Fancy meeting you here,” I say.

“Help me up.” I pull her to her feet. If Ana’s not bouncing around, she’s definitely miserable. “I was talking to the plants, but I think they’re mad at me, too.”

“For the love of all that’s holy, just apologize and get it over with. I’m sure that’s all he wants.”

She throws her arms in the air and looks like she might cry. “No, he wants a promise that I won’t do anything stupid or dangerous. How can I promise that?”

“I promised Adrian, and he promised me. It’s not crazy to ask, Banana. You do some stupid shit. Put yourself in Peter’s shoes. How would you like it if he did the things you’ve done?”

“I wouldn’t,” she admits, and her eyes glitter. “But I’m so much better at everything than him.”

I put my arm around her shoulder with a laugh. “One of the things Peter loves about you, besides your modesty, of course, is the way you’re fearless. You’re not afraid of anything—zombies, tomato plants, or even to love with your whole heart. When you do something, you do it all the way, and that’s rare. But you have to temper it a little because honestly, if I were Peter, I’d have killed you by now.”

She exhales. “Okay, I know. Now what should I do about Penny? She’s so angry.”

“Beats me,” I say. “But when you figure it out, let me know.”

***

My backpack is ready, my hair is in buns and I’ve ventured to Penny’s room to say goodbye to Bits. It looks different, but I’m still slapped in the face by Adrian’s scent when I walk through the door. I pick up Sparky and bury myself in her neck until I’m composed.

“Hey, Bits, I’m getting ready to go. Can I have a kiss?” She lies in her bed by the window and stares at the ceiling. I sit at the edge of the bed and tuck her hair behind her ear. “Please?”

Her lips thin. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I know, but I have to.”

“Why? Why do you have to?”

“We’ve talked about this, sweetie. We need food and gas. We need to protect ourselves.”

“You’re always leaving,” she says. “You don’t want to be with me.”

It’s not that I don’t want to be with her; it’s that I don’t want to be here. I love her as much as I ever did, but I don’t know how to be the way I used to be with her. Sometimes it feels like too big of an effort, too much of a responsibility.

“I love you so much, Bits. It’s just been hard these last months. It’s not—”

She narrows her eyes. “You ignore me all the time! You’re so selfish. I hate you!”

I try to stop myself, but between hearing the words I know I deserve and sitting in this room that reminds me of everything I’ve lost, I lose the battle with my temper.

“How do you think you get clothes and shoes? How do you think you get things like candy? The cookies you like to eat are made with sugar, Bits! They don’t just fall out of the sky, you know.” My voice is rising. I’ve never spoken to Bits like this. I should stop, I want to stop, but I don’t. “Why can’t you let me go without making it a huge deal? Do you want me to let zombies come to the fence? Would you like that?”

Her eyes grow round, and she faces the wall with shaking shoulders. I want to kick myself for ruining the only positive thing I’ve done in the past months by scaring her.

“Bits, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said that, okay?” I try to kiss her, but her arms fly up and hit me in the nose. The van’s horn beeps twice.

“Bits, I have to go. Can I please have a hug?”

“No.” Her voice is muffled. “I hate you.”

“Okay. I know you’re angry, and I’m sorry. But I love you.” I kiss the top of her head, and she scrubs at the spot with a hand.

“Bye,” I whisper.

Penny stands in the hall, arms crossed and face hard. I brush past her and clatter down the stairs to the porch. The screen door slams open behind me.

Penny follows me onto the grass and stops with her hands on her hips. “Cassie!”

“I can’t talk,” I say.

“Why? Because you have to go fight zombies?”

Her voice is sarcastic, and she waves her hands in the air like
big fucking whoop
. I want to punch her, but I fold my arms instead. “Actually, yeah, Penny. That’s exactly why.”

“That’s bullshit. You barely speak to me even when you’re here. And now you’re yelling at Bits?”

“I need to leave. Bits won’t let me go without screaming. What do you want me to do?”

Penny moves closer. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe stay? She needs you, and you escape every moment you can like she has the fucking plague.”

The comment hurts, probably because it’s true, and I think of something to shoot back that saves me from answering. “The world has the plague, in case you didn’t notice. I’m doing my best to keep us all from getting it.”

“Oh, right.” Penny rolls her eyes. “Saving the world. Is a box of crackers worth making that little girl inside miserable? She doesn’t want candy, she wants you.”

“I’m keeping her a lot less miserable than she’d be otherwise. Bits has lots of people to help take care of her. Why is it all on me?”

I feel horrible after the words leave my mouth. I know I’m failing Bits in every other way. Keeping her safe is the one thing I don’t fail at.

“Because you’re closest thing she has to a mother,” Penny says. Her cheeks are pink, and she speaks low, but it has the same effect as a scream. “Do you know that sometimes she calls you her mom to the other kids? You don’t get to be her mother only when you feel like it. You spend all your time racing off to kill Lexers, and I know you don’t care if you come back. You have a death wish.”

I shrug, even though every word she’s saying is true. The knowledge that Bits calls me her mom is a knife to the heart. I want so badly to go back in, but I’m too stubborn to do it. “I prefer to think of it as courting death.”

“Oh, that’s real funny. Who are you—Ana? I expect this shit from my sister. I know one day she won’t come back, everyone does. But what am I supposed to tell Bits when
you
don’t? ‘She loved you, but not enough to stick around?’ What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with
me
?” I ask. “You’re the one who disapproves of everything I do. I can see it every time you look at me. I’m sorry that you think I’m fucking things up, but we’re not all as lucky as you, you know!”

She steps forward with a small laugh. “Lucky? Really?”

I guess we’re getting into this now, and I’m more than ready. “Yeah, lucky. You have James, you have a baby, you teach at a pioneer school like you’re Laura fucking Ingalls. You don’t have to get your hands dirty. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

“Right.” She drags out the word.

“Yeah. Right. You’re as close as you can get to a completely normal life. You don’t know what it’s like—you have everything. You know what I have? I have nothing.” I hold back the tears. I am not going to cry. I’m not going to let her know she’s getting to me.

“You’re right,” Penny says. “I don’t know what it’s like. But you don’t have nothing. How do you think that makes the rest of us feel when you say that? I’m not saying you have to be happy, but you need to at least
try
to stay alive.”

Penny’s eyes redden, and she swipes at the tears that plop onto her cheeks. “You think I don’t know this baby’s a crying, screaming zombie magnet? I’m scared, Cass. I need my best friend back.”

I want to be back, but I can’t find my way. I’ve been envious of Penny’s contentment and angry at her disapproval. But Penny has always been good at hiding her fear, and maybe the reason for her disapproval is that I’m one of the things she’s afraid to lose. The thoughts flit through my mind, mixed up and unclear. Someone calls my name, and I’m thankful for the distraction.

“Are we done?” I ask. It comes out more harshly than I’d intended.

Penny sighs and turns away. “Sure, Cass, we’re done.”

I risk a glance at the house after I’m in the van, thinking maybe I’ll wave or try to smile, but Penny’s already back inside.