Unwilling (Book One of the Compelled Trilogy 1) (37 page)

“What game do you think you’re playing at?” Jace demanded, coming further into the room.

“Well depends really. I’ve never been one for cards, but I do like to gamble every now and then.” Carter responded, staring at the ceiling. “Would you like to make a wager?”

“You can’t take Rowan from me. She might be fooled by your tricks right now but I know that she wants to be with me. Besides, you’re nothing but a lap dog for her bother.” Jace said, and frowned when Carter only laughed.

“I don’t have to TAKE Rowan from you. Rowan makes her own choices, you don’t own her.” Carter had an edge to his voice, his eyes were steely as he focused them on Jace, who had turned pale. “As for being a lap dog for her brother, Elias is a God. He’s twice the man you will ever be.” Carter said furiously. “I’m happy to do my service to him, at least I have a purpose in life.” Carter finished coolly, letting his head fall back to rest on the back of the sofa, his eyes closing as though he might fall asleep.

“Rowan would never go to you.” Jace said, his voice confident in that belief.

“You don’t know a damned thing about me mate,” Carter responded, “So stop assuming I’m even trying to take Rowan from you and grow up. If you love Rowan SO much, stop acting as if she is your property, she is a person Jace. She has choices too. None of which involve me romantically. Understand? Or should I repeat myself, slowly?”

Jace said nothing, for which Carter was grateful. Jace’s voice really did tend to grate on his nerves, and he was developing quiet the headache.

Carter heard Jace stomp from the room,
like an infant throwing a fit,
and smiled victoriously. When he could no longer hear Jace stomping away from him he rose from the couch, a memory of Elias’s prickling at the back of his consciousness.

He had first seen the hidden room a few days after meeting Elias, though Elias had tried to hide its contents from Carter. Carter had never seen Elias paint in real life, and he made his way to the study, using Elias’s memories as a guide through the large house.

Carter pushed open the heavy door, then hesitated in front of the bookshelf.
Was it the History of Varisin? Or was it that book on mathematics?
Carter asked himself and with a shrug pulled both books. The bookshelf creaked and swung open and Carter stepped into the small room, eager to see what treasures lay hidden behind the shelf.

Carter gasped. In all his months with Elias, he never would have guessed that the haunted anxious man he had grown to know, would be able to create such beautiful masterpieces. The room was crammed with paintings of all sizes, lined against the walls and stacked on the floor, their colors vibrant or dark, contrasting, and capturing memories, emotions, and each painting made Carter feel differently; anger, joy, pain, love, tripping and tumbling through him as his eyes rested on a new painting, until he was left gasping for breath and resting his hand on the wall to hold himself steady. There was an easel set in the corner, a plain white canvas sitting on it and the untouched canvas made Carter irrationally sad.

I would love to see him paint.
Carter thought, sitting down in a small gray chair in the corner of the room, his mind trying to comprehend the beauty that surrounded him.
But he is so lost right now…
so broken.

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Rowan opened the door to her old room. It creaked as it slid along the floor as if welcoming her back. Rowan absently touched the dent on the wall just outside the door where her mother had bashed her head against it. The memory seemed so far away, as if it had happened to another person in another life who had died millions of years ago.

She chewed on her bottom lip, a habit she had picked up from Cecily, as she made her way into the dark room. Rowan didn’t need any light to know how it looked. Two beds pushed together in the far corner. Toys; blocks and dolls she had not played with for years, on the other side of the door.

The large window that took up almost one whole wall was to her left, pale moonlight illuminating the room only slightly. Rowan had watched Elias flee their home from that window, abandoning her.

Rowan made her way wearily to the bed, stepping on the large round rug that lay in the middle of the room. It was soft beneath her bare feet, Rowan had forgotten just how soft it was.

She sank into the bed, her blankets pillowing around her. They smelled dusty, but they felt familiar. The way they folded and felt against the palm of her hand made her think of the hundreds of nights she couldn’t sleep, laying on her back and listening to Elias tell her stories, legends, or just ramble on about nothing until she fell asleep.

“This was your room huh?” Jace asked from the door.

“Yes.” Rowan answered him, coming to a stand. Jace stood on the threshold of the room, his hands pushing into the frame on either side of him. Rowan could just make out the shape of him in the darkness. She wanted desperately to go to him but could not bring herself to move.

“I used to sit outside your house you know.” He told her, stepping into the room. The moon light brightened his face as he stopped in front of the window.

“I didn’t know that.” Rowan said softly.

Jace said nothing as he peered down at the ground from the second story window.

“Jace?” Rowan began, her voice hesitant.
I have to tell him
, Rowan thought to herself. The guilt of her moonlight kiss with Carter becoming too much for her to bear,
he deserves the truth.

“If you’re going to tell me about Carter I already know.” Jace said not turning to her. He didn’t sound angry, just defeated. “Well, not completely but I’m not stupid.”

“Jace.” Rowan said hurrying toward him. She placed a hand on his shoulder and he finally turned to look at her. His face was blank and pale, a ghost looking at her in the moon light. “It didn’t mean anything to me. I just wanted to ask him some questions when I couldn’t sleep one night. I didn’t know he was going to kiss me.” Rowan tried to explain, her words tumbling out of her mouth in a rush, coming between them like a canyon and Rowan wondered if it was even possible to build a bridge across it after all they had been through.

“Rowan-“ Jace tried but Rowan didn’t let him finish.

“I swear to you Jace, I don’t want to hurt you.” Rowan said, pleading him with her voice to understand.

“Do you want to be with him?” Jace asked, pain finally creeping into his voice though Rowan could tell he was trying hard to hide it.

“No.” Rowan said adamantly, shaking her head. “No.” She said again more fiercely. “I want you, only you, always and forever.”

“I can’t lose you Rowan. You are my everything. I know I have been acting kind of insane, especially when Carter is involved, but I don’t know how to live without you Rowan, I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I can’t think straight where you’re concerned.” Jace looked down at the floor then back up at Rowan. “You’ve been through a lot Rowan and I hate that you have had to endure all that you have, but you’re the strongest, kindest, most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my life. I cannot offer you a lot Rowan, but I can build you a house and I can make you honey tarts and I can make you laugh. I know it sounds ridiculous and clichéd but I can make you happy Rowan, but only if that is what you want. So many of your choices have been taken from you and I don’t want to be one those, but I will always choose you, every day for the rest of my life.”

Rowan stood silently for a long time, looking at Jace’s eyes shining in the moonlight, baring his soul to her. “I don’t have a choice when it comes to you Jace.” Rowan whispered. Jace’s face fell, but Rowan continued, “You were the only thing that ever made sense to me. I do not have a choice when it comes to you because there is no choice to make. You make me a better person Jace, you make me stronger, more confident, and you make me see the beauty in the world instead of the blackness that surrounds me. I do not need a house, or honey tarts, all I ever wanted is you. You’re enough Jace, just you. I love you.”

The bridge had been built and reinforced but the dam inside them broke open and months of emotion spilled from them and frenzied them. They reached for each other, their bodies smashing together hungrily. Jace’s mouth came down on hers, his breath hot against her cheek. Jace kissed her passionately, as if she were his beginning and end, as if he was dying and she could keep him alive just another moment, this moment. Jace held her as though she were a fleeting memory he had to hold onto with his lips, his hands that clenched her shirt. Jace kissed so deeply it made Rowan tremble from the inside out, her heart bursting in her chest for the love she had for him.

His hands skimmed her waist and he lifted her up, carrying her to the bed. He laid her down gently. One hand cupped her neck, the other rested on her hip.  Their lips never left the others as if they would wither and die if they ever broke the contact.

No other second in time could compare to this one, their breaths coming out in sharp puffs as they tangled into each other, consumed in this feeling of their hearts thrashing in their chests and the world slipping by them in a blur and nothing else mattered, the world could burn for all they cared as long as this moment never ended.

Rowan tore Jace’s shirt from him, ripping the front of it in her effort to remove it from his body. Her hands glided along his stomach and he sucked in a breath.

“Rowan?” Jace hesitated, pulling away.

“I want this Jace. I want you.” She urged, wishing he wasn’t always a gentleman and would just kiss her without any limitations or inhibitions. Jace kissed her again, surrendering completely to Rowan to do with as she pleased.

Rowan’s whole body tingled, her heart slammed in her chest and sweat beaded on her forehead. Her head swam dizzily, incoherent thoughts swirling around as Jace tugged her shirt over her head, her hair tickling her back as it settled back down.

Jace ran his hands down her arms, wanting to feel every inch of her, “NO!” Rowan gasped, pulling her arm away from him but it was too late, he had felt her scars. He sat up, a quizzical look on his face.

“Rowan?” Jace questioned, breathing heavy.

“It’s fine. It’s nothing.” Rowan insisted, drawing her arm to her chest. Jace pulled it from her, running his thumb along the mutilated flesh. Rowan cringed as he felt each letter. The K, then the A, then ran his thumb over the STOR in a fluid motion.

Rowan’s heart stopped beating as she looked at him, ashamed.

“It doesn’t exist. Rowan, it doesn’t exist to me.” Jace said, “Every part of you is perfect.” He breathed, kissing her again, but Rowan’s heart wasn’t in it.

Rowan hated that scar more than anything on her body but it had shown something she had gone through and survived, and Jace had just dismissed it. Rowan knew he meant well, that he believed she was beautiful.

“Jace, I’m sorry.” Rowan said, pushing away from him. He pulled back immediately, though Rowan could see the disappointment on his face. “I’m sorry.” She said again. She detangled herself from him and fetched a shirt from an armoire across the room. She grabbed one of Elias’s old shirts, as she only had frilly dresses in the house, and it was a bit baggy on her small frame but it would do. Her other shirt was filthy besides.

Rowan stepped from the room, shutting the door behind her and hoped Jace wouldn’t follow. Rowan wound her way through the house, moving her way through the dark halls familiarly, as if she had never left, until cool night air made the hair on hers arms stand up. She rubbed them, wishing she had grabbed a long sleeved shirt.

Rowan could sense him come up behind her. She didn’t turn to face him, didn’t acknowledge him at all. Carter came to stand in front of her, blotting out the moon behind him. Rowan tilted her head up to look at him. He looked magnificent in the moonlight; his sharp features made softer by the pale glow.

Carter grabbed her arm, the one with the scar, and lifted her arm so he could see it. Rowan knew she should feel ashamed or pull away, but neither of those things occurred to her.

“Never wear long sleeves again.” He told her, meeting her eyes and rubbing his hand across her arm. Rowan blushed as though he had said the most sensual thing he could imagine to her.

Carter turned without another word.

“What I saw, in your head, when I was on the rocks… did that really happen?” Rowan asked.

“No.” Carter responded, not turning to look at her.

“But you want it to?”

“If I wanted something to happen, it would have, but he’s too…” Carter struggled to find the right word to use, “fragile right now. He’s lost himself Rowan, and he needs time to find his way back.” He said, his voice pained.

“I wouldn’t give up.” Rowan told him gently and felt anger shoot up inside him.

“Like you gave up in those caves? I saw your plan with that dagger.” Carter spat, turning his face to look at her coldly.

“I can’t keep looking for him Carter, it’s like you said, he’s lost. I’ve seen what he can become, I’ve felt what he feels when he uses the power, and I can’t keep tearing myself apart to chase after him.” Rowan said, feeling heavy to think of Coop in those caves.

“He IS lost, and that’s exactly why he needs you Rowan, now more than ever. You’re probably the only one that can bring him back from the brink of madness he’s perched himself on.”