Upon Your Return (29 page)

Chapter Nineteen

One afternoon, Lina took Gabriel to church while Fara remained at home. Her aunt knew of Fara's aversion to religion and never pressed the issue. With everyone away, Fara and Grant dined alone. After their repast, they went riding into the woods. It was a secluded patch of forest and Grant assured Fara of its safety when they ventured onto it. After riding for some time, they stopped the horses for a rest. As the horses stood side by side, Fara on her mare and Grant on his own bay, she turned to him. “You smoke cigars?”

He nodded. “It's a habit I picked up overseas. It can guard against tropical diseases. I figured I needed that for my travels.”

“Oh.”

He cocked his head at her. “You never asked me that before.”

“I thought it might be rude to do so.”

“I cannot imagine why you would think that. You can ask me anything.”

“Why have you never smoked in my presence?”

He studied her, his gaze fastened intently on her worried hands smoothing out the pleats in her riding skirt. “I was given the impression that it would not be welcome.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighed, adjusting his position in the saddle. “Am I correct to assume that as a woman you would not like it if I blew smoke in your face as well as the disgust you would feel if you were inclined to kiss me afterward?”

“You may be right at that…”

“
Oui
. It is just something instilled in men over time. A gentleman never smokes a cigar in the presence of a lady.” It was customary for men to leave the dinner table for brandy and cigars in another room.

“And those are all the reasons? The disadvantages?”

“As well for the fear of soiling the ladies they hang about.”

She laughed softly. “It is safe to assume it is different in a gentleman's club though because
dames
de
nuit
are not respectable.” She cocked her head. “Nor
filles
de
joie
.”

He grimaced and stopped himself before he swore. Daughters of joy were a step higher than prostitutes, but not far removed from the social repugnance that was attached to them. Even mistresses weren't respectable, though it was no secret that many gentlemen had them.

“I hate to think you have been in such a place.”

“
Oui
, for a mere five minutes.”

“And you were exposed to the intimacy between men and women long before we were together in that way.”

She nodded. “Exposed, but not involved. I was disgusted by the display
Monsieur
Bordeaux put on in that room.
Mon
Dieu
,” Fara said on a breath, and she tapped his sleeve. “There were other women watching them as well.” She wrinkled her nose. “It was as if they were waiting for their turns.”

It sounded as though the bastard thought it necessary to leave no doubt of his ability to perform. “I can well imagine that you were appalled by such a thing.”

“Well, I should hope so!” She clucked her tongue and dug her heels into the horse to propel it into a gallop.

Grant frowned after her. He followed behind her, over the hills and down into a clearing with a small stream running alongside. She dismounted, and Grant tied both horses to the nearest tree after jumping from his stallion. He came to her side, squatting when she kneeled in her riding skirt to take a drink of water. “Fara?” he whispered softly. He was concerned by the expression on her face.

“Were there other ladies?” Fara asked when she'd dried her hands on the velvet skirt she wore.

Grant could have pretended ignorance, but he was not stupid. As before, they still had much to catch up on after the four years which had spanned between them. “In other ports, you mean.”

“
Oui
.”

“What do you take me for,
chère
? Do you think I would go back to my old ways?”

She shrugged. “You are only a man, Grant. All of those long years at sea must have left you longing for a woman.”

He nodded. “I am only a man and so automatically I am to pay for the ways of men…” He sighed. “Of course I wanted a female counterpart, but I only
longed
for one woman, Fara.” He reached out to tuck a stray red hair behind her ear that had pulled away from her bun.

She frowned. “If you were as loyal as I, then why were you amazed to see that I had kept my promise?”

His gaze wavered on her lips and he wanted to kiss her badly. He could also think of several other things he could do to her that would have tongues clacking. But of course, he had to keep his distance if he was going to court her properly. “I suppose I assumed that you might get adventurous. You'd only been with one man; even French society would not blame you if you kept it discreet.”

She rose to her full height, hands on her hips. “I believe you sorely mistake me for the wrong kind of woman,
Capitaine
Hill.”

So they were back to titles, he thought with disdain. He stood up as well. “How do you think I might do that?”

“By assuming that I, a woman well-bred, would participate in such lewd displays of affection--”

He grasped her wrist. “Lewd? You never deemed it lewd before…”

“Well, it is. Especially with someone you know nothing about or hardly care about. I require more. You obviously thought I was another kind of woman. Pardon me whilst I leave you to your duties. You have upset the cup, Grant. I doubt you would want it spilt,” she added sarcastically as she turned away.

“Wouldn't I?” He grinned at her wounded pride, but spun her back to face him.

“Don't laugh at me, damn you! It isn't a laughing matter.”

“No, it isn't,” he agreed. His eyes burned as he stared at her. “Fara…” he whispered on a breath, still taken aback by her beauty.

“What? What is it?” Without warning, he sat down by the creek and pulled her onto his lap, attacking her exposed neck with small kisses. Her tense body relaxed against him and she moaned.

Grant felt her surrender and even though it aroused him, it was like a dagger to his heart. Desire could do that to him as well, make him forget who he was and where he'd come from, and make him also forget what he needed to say. Her surrender had been too quick, her response automatic. That fact was amazing, but he couldn't use it to his advantage. She was no longer his conquest, but his fiancé, a woman who was to be his wife soon. He wouldn't do that. It was too important he show her his respect. He braced his temple against hers as she lay back against him. She smelled wonderful, like flowers and honey. Even though his libido wouldn't obey him, he spoke her name. “Fara, look at me.”

Her lashes lifted and she angled her neck to look at him. In her eyes, he saw concern and something more he could not place.

“What is it?” she whispered.

“You were angry with me…”

“No, not angry.”

“Then, only hurt?”

“Hmm,” she agreed.

“I need you to know something. Will you listen to me?”

She nodded against his shoulder. “Of course.”

“I never mistook you for another kind of woman. I've known who you were since I met you. Even when I danced with you at the annual ball that night, I was intrigued by your loyalty…to your uncle, and to me as well. Is that why you let me make love to you? Because you felt obligated…because you felt you owed me something after rescuing you and caring for you?”

She groaned softly. “No. I am no sacrificial lamb.”

“I know,” he whispered. “Are you saying lust won over virtue?”

“Perhaps at the time, but I also felt safe with you. My uncle was a strict guardian, but I never felt protected by him. With you, it was...is much different.”

“I see. Then there was a comfort level. You trusted me. That is important.”

“
Oui
,” she agreed, sighing. “Also during the first time you were away, I had to beg my mind to think about someone else, to think of some other interesting man and potential suitor. But, there was none. I kept coming back to you. And I think I was beginning to fall for you then.”

He grinned. “That is a relief. At least you didn't hate me and desire me at the same time.”

“Perhaps, I had thought it would be better…” She gasped and whispered, “But no, I could never--”

“I know…hate me,” he finished for her. “You are not made that way. I should be grateful to your parents for producing such a gentle creature.”

She stiffened. “Gentle--”

“Not gentle? Yes, you are stubborn. But, you are soft too…” He brushed her cheek with his fingertips. “…in several places, including your heart.”

Tears glistened in her eyes. At a soft indrawn breath, she pulled from his grasp and struggled to stand, walking nearer to where the horses were tied.

Frowning at her abrupt escape, he rose from behind her, and gently turned her to face him. Then he lifted her chin with an index finger and with a soft sound in his throat, he warned, “Don't,” and brushed her tears away.

“Oh, Grant,” she whispered and threw her arms about his neck.

He settled into her embrace and closed his eyes against that odd but equal rush of emotion. She loved him, he mused. And he loved her. What was so wrong with that? There could be nothing wrong in loving Fara. There hadn't been before, and there shouldn't be now. He released a long breath, gently resting his chin on top of her head, gathering her small figure closer.

Years before, when he'd known her body as well as he knew the interior of his ship, he had never thought beyond the heat of the moment. Though he remembered a strong fear of losing her, he couldn't be sure if his fear had been misplaced back then. Loneliness was a constant fear in those days. The ocean was endless, intoxicating but ever quiet.

After spending many harrowing months in the confines of a Turkish prison, however, he could look at loneliness as a source of reflection. He was no longer afraid of being alone. Not in the solitary sense. But, he had established a connection with her long ago. And no amount of separation could erase that. A reasonable fear for him was making another mistake and endangering Fara in the process. The prospect of never seeing her again brought an odd ache to the region of his chest. He would do everything in his power to prevent it. His treachery years before had inadvertently put her in the path of the authorities. That would never happen again.

He breathed in her scent and almost went a little crazy with the sensation of pleasure coursing through him. He felt different about her than he had before. Though he had cared about Fara in the past, he had never wanted to know so much about her until now. When he did the simplest things with her, riding beside her in a carriage or watching her across the expanse of her parlor, he often wondered what she was thinking about as she looked at him.

Or when she observed Gabriel's curiosity, a joyous look would cross her face and her eyes would darken. In those moments, he wondered if she would be willing to tell him her thoughts or if it would seem rude of him to ask. At other times, he simply wondered what it would be like to wake up beside her while he knew she was his and always would be. When he had business to tend to on
La Voyageur
, she was often a source of his distraction from everyday affairs. He had grown used to these thoughts though and he welcomed them. He would never regret the moments he had with her.

* * * *

It was early afternoon and both Grant and Fara were in the library sitting together on the settee. Her aunt was busy calling on her fellow socialites, and Gabriel played in the courtyard under the supervision of Pierre. Fara and Grant had decided to spend some quiet time together.

She was reading Balzac's
Human Comedy
while Grant read the local newspaper, which carried more news of the current political situation with the lower class. It was not a good time to be questionable in society.

“You were gone a long time...”

He was surprised by her comment at first. Then thoughts of the past etched lines of remorse and self-conflict. “
Oui
,” he agreed. He looked down. “Forgive me for leaving you.”

She turned toward him and lifted his chin with an index finger. “There is nothing to forgive.”

“You needed me, Fara. No one would ever have expected you to raise a child alone while bearing the humiliation of his illegitimacy.”

“
Tante
Lina was there to protect me and she'd been with child once before.”

Fara's aunt had his gratitude for all she'd done, but it did little to alleviate his guilt for having left. “
Mon Dieu
, if I could have neglected that mission for a week, I would have done it. If they hadn't found me…”

“I know,” she said softly. “The only thing that matters is you're here for me and Gabriel now.”

“
Oui
, and I plan to be for a very long time.”

She smiled. “
Bon
. I am pleased to hear that.”