Upstate (16 page)
Authors: Kalisha Buckhanon
Check this out. I will do anything I can to be with you, even break out of here if I have to. And I don't care who seeing this or reading this cause I just want to show you how much I love you and how much I need you and care about you. I'll do anything for you, Natasha. Anything. Just please don't leave me, don't break up with me now. I will kill myself. Believe me when I say I will do that shit and it'll be all your fault. Don't do this baby. Don't do this to me. I'll call you later. I love you baby.
Antonio
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March 16, 1991
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I don't know where you been, but I been calling your house and you ain't been answering so I don't know what's going on. I'll just wait on your letter. I know it's coming. I know you just handling your biz right now. Life goes on on the
outside. I ain't stupid. I know me being in here don't stop the world. So you go ahead and do everything you gotta do. I'll just wait for you to be home when I call. Write me back as soon as you get this.
outside. I ain't stupid. I know me being in here don't stop the world. So you go ahead and do everything you gotta do. I'll just wait for you to be home when I call. Write me back as soon as you get this.
Antonio
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March 21, 1991
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Okay, so now I know something wrong. You ain't bothering to take none of my calls and I know what time you be at home. I know that somebody been picking up the phone and saying they don't want to accept the charges. You trying to avoid me now. Is that it? You don't love me no more? Don't know how to be a woman and tell me woman to man? What's next? You gonna put your moms or Roy on the phone to tell me the truth? Well I'm not having this shit, Natasha. I'm not gonna take this bullshit from you. I'm not gonna let you get away from me. You can forget about that. Don't you hear me at night in your dreams, calling out your name in the dark? I know you can hear me. I know you can feel what I feel. Don't leave me. Don't do this to me. Don't pretend like you don't hear me whispering your name.
Your man forever,
Antonio
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March 26, 1991
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I hope you hear the bang when I blow my brains out over you. Don't think I can't get a piece up in here cause I can. There are ways. Believe me, there are ways. So I hope you hear it while you all curled up, warm in your bed, without a care in the world, hugging one of your stuffed bears or maybe even another nigga for all I know cause obviously I don't know you like I think I did. I hope you happy and I hope you can taste my blood in your mouth and feel it splattered all over your face bitch.
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March 28, 1991
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Look Antonio, it's over. I thought I was strong enough to deal with this, but I'm not. I can't take it no more. You told me you didn't care if I saw other guys, but there is no way I can do that to you because I care about you too much. No matter what you say, I know that would hurt and the last thing I want to do is hurt you more than you've already been hurt. Baby, it's not you I promise it's not. It's just been almost a year and a half since you been locked up and I want a life. I want a real normal life like other girls my age. Stop calling here twenty times a day. Stop sending me so many letters cause I don't have time
to write back. Stop lying to your mother and telling her all these lies about me. She hates me now.
to write back. Stop lying to your mother and telling her all these lies about me. She hates me now.
Do you know she came over here? Do you know she barged up into our house demanding to know what I did to you? I told her, “I ain't do nothing to Antonio. I just told him I wanted to break up, that's all.” Then she said, “You little heifer, it's cause of you that he lost his mind and started screaming and tearing up things and had to be put away all by hisself and alone. It's because of you.” So luckily my mother was home cause it seemed like your moms wanted to hit me or kill me or something. My mother came out from the back, curlers all in her hair and everything, like “Hold on, what's going on out here?” When your moms tried to explain, Mommy didn't even let her finish. She just said, “Look, you don't got a right coming up in here blaming Natasha for Antonio's problems.” Your mother said something like, “I'm not blaming Natasha for nothing. I just wish she would quit playing games with my son. This shit ain't a game and she needs to understand that if she don't want nothing to do with him then she needs to leave him the fuck alone.” So my mother got all big and bad up in her face and said, “Now wait a minute, honey, you wait just a minute. You in my house and I will not allow you to come up in here disrespecting me or my daughter. If you wanna be out of line you better do it outside the door.” I mean, I thought they was about to brawl. But it didn't happen like that. I don't know what happened, your
mother just started crying. Right there in front of us, she just started screaming real loud and wouldn't stop and she said something like, “At least you got your baby right here with you. Don't nobody love me. Don't nobody think about what I been through.” Then my mother hugged her, hugged her real tight like everybody did for her when Grandma died. She hugged her until I thought they both was gonna fall over. Then my mother sent me out of the room. She told me to go to the back or go outside so they could talk.
mother just started crying. Right there in front of us, she just started screaming real loud and wouldn't stop and she said something like, “At least you got your baby right here with you. Don't nobody love me. Don't nobody think about what I been through.” Then my mother hugged her, hugged her real tight like everybody did for her when Grandma died. She hugged her until I thought they both was gonna fall over. Then my mother sent me out of the room. She told me to go to the back or go outside so they could talk.
I went back to my room, but I still heard them a little bit. I heard my mother trying to tell her that this thing was hard on everybody, not just her, and that she heard me sometimes crying in the middle of the night over this whole thing. I didn't know she knew about that. I didn't think nobody knew how I felt about things, not even you. I probably should have told you how I felt sooner. I probably shouldn't have let things go on as long as they did. That's my bad and I'll go ahead and accept that responsibility. Maybe I did lead you on too far. And maybe that was wrong. But I didâno, I still doâlove you. And it's hard to let go of somebody you love. Believe me, it ain't been as easy as you think. I promise that I still love you, and that we'll be friends forever and ever and ever. And who knows, maybe we will get married one day. I don't know, Antonio. I just don't know. But I can't keep on living a lie cause I'm scared you gonna try to kill yourself. I can't lie to you and tell you I want to be with you now, but I can't feel like I'm in a prison either.
And nobody, not you or your mother or my friends or nobody else, gonna make me feel guilty about my decision. You not being fair lying to your mother and telling her I'm the reason you snapped. Antonio, if you kill yourself, that's on you. That's gonna be your mistake. Don't try to make me feel like it's mine.
And nobody, not you or your mother or my friends or nobody else, gonna make me feel guilty about my decision. You not being fair lying to your mother and telling her I'm the reason you snapped. Antonio, if you kill yourself, that's on you. That's gonna be your mistake. Don't try to make me feel like it's mine.
Natasha
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April 11, 1991
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Hi Antonio. I know I told you I didn't want to be hooked up no more, but I just want to make sure we're still friends, still cool. Antonio, I do care about you. Well anyway, Laneice had her baby as I'm sure you heard. A little girl she named Sharon Angelique Clark. I think that's a real pretty name. Sharon. You don't hear names like that no more. Well, here's a picture of her if you care. She's pretty, ain't she, even though her eyes is shut? She a redbone just like Black. How did he ever get the name Black anyway, with his high yellow ass? He didn't come to the hospital when the baby was born. He was somewhere drunk and high with his boys. When he did finally show up at the hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Clark didn't even speak to him. But back to Laneice. She seem like she gonna be a real good mom. I mean, she keep herself busy with that baby, don't put it off on her mother or nothing, not that Mr. Clark would be having that anyway.
She seem happy about it, I guess. I even asked her one day if she was happy. We was sitting in her room. I was helping her put baby lotion and powder all over Sharon, then we wrapped her up in this real cute pink and white striped onesy from the Gap. It was really sunny outside and the Softee truck was out and the bikers was out and you could hear all the music from the cars going by. I felt like I could taste summer and I couldn't wait to get out. But Laneice ain't gonna be able to get out too much with that baby. She was like, “Yeah girl, I love Sharon. Now that she here, I wouldn't give her back for the world. I don't care what happen between me and Black. I'm never gonna wish her back.” I think she kind of know that Black might not stick around. I mean, he only about seventeen or eighteen. Look at us. We thought we was gonna be together and look what happened. So she don't have her head in the clouds about that. It's good she know she might have to do it with or without him. I just said, “Wow, that's sweet to give up so much for somebody else.” Then she told me, “No, it ain't sweet. It just is what it is. I don't even think about it like I'm giving up nothing. Things just gotta change a little bit, that's all.” She said that she still gonna try to finish high school. I told her she might as well since this our last year and all. That girl always hated school, so she probably just gonna get her GED.
She seem happy about it, I guess. I even asked her one day if she was happy. We was sitting in her room. I was helping her put baby lotion and powder all over Sharon, then we wrapped her up in this real cute pink and white striped onesy from the Gap. It was really sunny outside and the Softee truck was out and the bikers was out and you could hear all the music from the cars going by. I felt like I could taste summer and I couldn't wait to get out. But Laneice ain't gonna be able to get out too much with that baby. She was like, “Yeah girl, I love Sharon. Now that she here, I wouldn't give her back for the world. I don't care what happen between me and Black. I'm never gonna wish her back.” I think she kind of know that Black might not stick around. I mean, he only about seventeen or eighteen. Look at us. We thought we was gonna be together and look what happened. So she don't have her head in the clouds about that. It's good she know she might have to do it with or without him. I just said, “Wow, that's sweet to give up so much for somebody else.” Then she told me, “No, it ain't sweet. It just is what it is. I don't even think about it like I'm giving up nothing. Things just gotta change a little bit, that's all.” She said that she still gonna try to finish high school. I told her she might as well since this our last year and all. That girl always hated school, so she probably just gonna get her GED.
But Black seem like he gonna try to stick around. He over there so much Mr. Clark had to tell him to go home one day. Mr. Clark said he might be able to get Black a
job with his car service, or in Madison Square Garden cause he got a brother who a supervisor over there. I might as well tell you my plans. I'm gonna go away to college. I got into some really good schools, Antonio. I got into Rutgers and City College and this school in Boston and one way out in Chicago, Illinois. All the schools gave me financial aid and everything. I mean, I'm gonna have to have some loans, but they gave me a lot of scholarship too. I told Mr. Cook and I swear I ain't never seen that man smile the way he did when I told him my good news. He asked about you. I told him you was doing alright. I didn't tell him we broke up though.
job with his car service, or in Madison Square Garden cause he got a brother who a supervisor over there. I might as well tell you my plans. I'm gonna go away to college. I got into some really good schools, Antonio. I got into Rutgers and City College and this school in Boston and one way out in Chicago, Illinois. All the schools gave me financial aid and everything. I mean, I'm gonna have to have some loans, but they gave me a lot of scholarship too. I told Mr. Cook and I swear I ain't never seen that man smile the way he did when I told him my good news. He asked about you. I told him you was doing alright. I didn't tell him we broke up though.
Tamika want me to go to this junior college in Jersey so I can be her roommate cause that's where she going, and Valencia pulling my arm to go to Stony Brook out on Long Island so I can be her roommate there. She got into this fancy school, Brown, but she don't want to go too far from her family and her man Pito, which I can understand. One school called the University of Chicago is kinda related to the program I been doing, so I think that's how I was able to get in there. They got this summer program for kids like me, I guess kids who didn't come from great schools and who gonna need a little help before college. But if I went there and did this program, I would have to leave in June and be there for the whole summer. I never been to Chicago or anywhere that far so I decided that I think I want to go there. I think I'm ready for an adventure. I need a change. Maybe it'll help me clear my mind. Mommy been crying and making
me feel all guilty. She been talking about, “I don't want you going all the way to no Chicago leaving me all by myself.” I told her, “Mommy, this is my decision and I'm gonna do it. We'll just have to talk on the phone a lot, and if I don't like it I'll come home.” But I told her I wanted to go and at least try. She don't say nothing, just keep on crying saying, “I don't care. I don't like it, I don't like it.” Well, I like the idea of me doing something I want to do. Something on my own. Something ⦠something for Natasha.
me feel all guilty. She been talking about, “I don't want you going all the way to no Chicago leaving me all by myself.” I told her, “Mommy, this is my decision and I'm gonna do it. We'll just have to talk on the phone a lot, and if I don't like it I'll come home.” But I told her I wanted to go and at least try. She don't say nothing, just keep on crying saying, “I don't care. I don't like it, I don't like it.” Well, I like the idea of me doing something I want to do. Something on my own. Something ⦠something for Natasha.
Love always,
Natasha
PS. I will try to come up and see you before I leave. I don't know when cause I'm going to be working a lot to save up money. But I promise, I'll try.
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May 16, 1991
Natasha,
Natasha,
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So you really going, huh? I guess I didn't really believe you at first, but when I saw you last weekend you looked so different I knew it had to be something to make that big of a change in you. I mean, you just looked more mature, I guess, with your new Halle Berry haircut and your nice sweater. You looked good in that corny schoolteacher gear, so I guess you gonna fit right in in college. Guess you just getting
better with time, which is the way it's supposed to be. Benito and Mohammed been calling me old man lately, say I done changed and got all quiet and they even showed me some lines around my eyes that wasn't there before. I guess that's the way it is when you see everything slipping away. I still been going to my job. It's cool. Me and Ms. Harris been looking into some correspondence courses that I might be eligible for. She told me that it was certain things I probably wouldn't do cause of my background she call it. Like anything in education or working with animals or whatever would be hard for me to do cause I been convicted of a violent crime. I'm a felon for life, baby. I won't be able to shake that shit. When I get out of here, I'm gonna tell you the truth about what happened that night and why I'm really here. Everybody thinks they know the truth about me, but they really don't. Including you. I'll just ask you again what I asked you before: Do you really believe I killed my father? Do you really believe it went down the way it did?
better with time, which is the way it's supposed to be. Benito and Mohammed been calling me old man lately, say I done changed and got all quiet and they even showed me some lines around my eyes that wasn't there before. I guess that's the way it is when you see everything slipping away. I still been going to my job. It's cool. Me and Ms. Harris been looking into some correspondence courses that I might be eligible for. She told me that it was certain things I probably wouldn't do cause of my background she call it. Like anything in education or working with animals or whatever would be hard for me to do cause I been convicted of a violent crime. I'm a felon for life, baby. I won't be able to shake that shit. When I get out of here, I'm gonna tell you the truth about what happened that night and why I'm really here. Everybody thinks they know the truth about me, but they really don't. Including you. I'll just ask you again what I asked you before: Do you really believe I killed my father? Do you really believe it went down the way it did?
I guess it doesn't matter at this point. But I'm just glad you feel good about yourself and things you got ahead of you. Natasha, you don't ever wanna feel like this. You wanna always keep them bright eyes and that bushy tail like MGD used to say about me. You don't ever wanna go through what I been through, feel like I feel every day when I wake up. You feel like faded graffiti on a building they bout to tear downâsomething a man worked hard on to try to make the world a more beautiful place, and nobody
appreciated it. Or cracked glass in the street that used to be something pretty, but the cars keep driving over it like it never really mattered or was never anything whole and real. But I guess you wouldn't know nothing about that. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you would.
appreciated it. Or cracked glass in the street that used to be something pretty, but the cars keep driving over it like it never really mattered or was never anything whole and real. But I guess you wouldn't know nothing about that. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you would.
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