Use Somebody (10 page)

His words meant more to me than I dared to admit. As someone who’d had nothing but screwed up experiences with friendship and love, his ideas resonated within me. Was it true? Did we still deserved to be loved even when we messed up?

Instead of delving further into my feelings, I stayed behind my reticent wall and played it off with a joke.

“Thanks for the heart-to-heart. Goober.”

A short silence followed. Then a sigh.

“Anytime, Rosie. Anytime.”

I lingered behind while he headed into the back, keeping myself busy by straightening our business cards and flyers and pens. It was in that moment I began to grasp the consequences of my emotional numbness. From behind this wall, I felt like a useless friend. Was I so determined to keep everyone out of my own life, that I’d miss an opportunity to help Gwen?

A sappy love song sounded from the back, which I recognized as Vance’s ringtone. It cut off quickly when he answered, his voice hushed for a private conversation.

“Hi princess. Were those beautiful ears of yours tingling? Because I was just thinking about you…”

I smiled a little to myself.

Assholes: Eighty-seven; true love: One.

* * *

[Past]

“Oh foof,” I cursed when I dropped my keys. I bent down to pick them up then fumbled with the lock, finally pushing the door open and stepping into the dorm room.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Sorry, Lex,” I said, hanging up my coat and scarf. “I got here as fast as I could. I had to get someone to cover the rest of my shift at the bank. Then there was a really long line at the—”

“Did you get it?”

No sooner had I held up the brown paper sack than she snatched it from my hands.

“Thank fuck!” she shouted, running towards the bathroom in our hall. I set my purse aside and followed after. Somehow, we lucked out, it was empty.

Lexi stood by the counter clutching the little pink box in her hands. Her blond hair was flawlessly sleek, concealing the distress I knew she was experiencing. Her back was to me, but I could see in the mirror that she had tears in her eyes.

“Deep breaths,” I instructed, rubbing her back. “It’s going to be okay.”

“What the hell am I going to do if it’s positive?” she cried. “I can’t be pregnant! We’re supposed to go to nationals this year!”

“Don’t worry, Lex. I know this is hard, but—”

“The best things are,” she giggled through her tears.

I took a deep breath and tried a different tactic. “Try not to panic just yet,” I ran my fingers through her blond hair and spoke calmly. “This isn’t the first time you’ve had a scare, and it’s never been positive before.”

Her watery eyes narrowed at me in the mirror. “Are you calling me a slut?” she said tartly.

I blinked repeatedly. “Of course not. Let’s just take the test and wait for the results before you start making plans. I don’t want you to worry for nothing. That’s all.”

Grumbling, she ripped open the box and disappeared into a stall. The sharp sound of the metal lock sliding into place echoed off the tiled room.

As soon as she was out of view, I paced. I worried about her. How could I not? I was so afraid that one of these days, she was going to wind up in real trouble. She needed to protect herself. Period. But every time I tried to approach the subject, no matter how delicately, she got defensive. Yet here we were again.

“Is Isaac allergic to latex, too?” I whispered.

“Don’t be stupid,” she snapped. “It’s not Isaac’s. I’ve been with him less than a week.”

“Oh…” I paused, trying to remember a few names back. “Then who…?”

She pushed the stall door wide open and glared at me. “You’re judging me.”

“I’m not judging you, Lexi. I was just trying to…” I shook my head. I couldn’t reach her in this state. “Never mind. Let’s talk about this later.”

“Just because I’m not some frigid nun like you, does not mean I am a whore.”

Okay… that escalated quickly.

“Of course not,” I mollified her. It was the only way to respond when she was like this. I didn’t want to make matters worse. “This one takes three minutes. I’ve already set the timer.”

With a heavy sigh, she took a seat on the counter and bowed her head. I ran my fingers through her hair again. It usually worked to soothe her. You never realize how long one-hundred eighty seconds truly is until you’re waiting for one of these little sticks to change your life.

Unexpectedly, but unstoppably, thoughts of a certain mysterious blue-eyed stranger floated into my mind, just like they had so many times these past few days. A wistful smile touched my lips when I thought of him, the guardian angel with the charming accent who swooped in to save me as if heaven-sent. He was even sweet enough to dance with me and keep me company while my friend had made other plans. Good thing I hadn’t actually been drinking, considering she opted out of her DD duties when she decided to spend the night with Isaac. I ended up driving myself home.

His sudden disappearance caught me completely off guard. When I came out of my daze, I searched every face in that house, but ended up empty. He just vanished into thin air, almost like he’d been a figment of my imagination. I started to worry I was going crazy. Not a trace of him remained.

Except his shirt…

We both stilled when my phone began to beep. Obviously right now wasn’t the best time to gush to Lexi about a guy, so I pushed those thoughts aside to be present for my friend, come hell or high water. It was the moment of truth.

I picked up the stick and released a breath of air on a wide smile. “Not pregnant.”

“Really?” Lexi squealed and grabbed the plastic stick from my hand. She huffed a laugh, relief evident in her eyes. “Thank fuck!”

Considering the circumstances, that didn’t seem like a great idea to me. But it was as close to gratitude as I was going to get.

Thoughtless, she tossed it in the waste basket and returned to her previously scheduled life.

[Present]

Weeks passed. Gwen was healing. We were all in the process of healing.

Summer and Kiki invited me over a couple times to watch chick flicks and do yoga in the den. I found it all a little suspicious, but didn’t question it. I just went along, grateful for the distraction, and hopeful that Gwen would come out to play sometime soon.

Getting pancakes with Vance after late night shifts became our staple. I no longer dreaded accepting rides from him. Until I had my own car again, it was an inevitability that frankly was not worth the fight.

He was still a goober, of course. But somewhere between the peppermint and spice, Honey’s pancakes, the iPod Shuffle game, and a handful of moments, I’d given up on trying to ignore him. Despite myself, he wasn’t bad company.

On the way into Honey’s one night, we passed the claw machine—one of those arcade style games with a bunch of prizes inside that you had to capture with the metal claw.

We stood at opposite sides looking in at the prizes. Then Vance smashed his nose and palms right up against the glass and made a face at me. When I rolled my eyes, he pointed.

“Bet I can get that stuffed penguin wearing a scarf.”

I quirked an eyebrow at him. “What are you, twelve?”

“Sometimes.”

I eyed the machine dubiously. “These games are rigged. The claw is too big and too jerky to keep hold of it.” It was obvious by the collection of penguins and polar bears, these same toys had more than likely been in there since Christmas.

He cradled one fist, then the other, cracking his knuckles. “That sounds like a challenge.”

I sighed. “Whatever. It’s your dollar.”

The machine came alive with blinking lights and buzzing sounds when Vance slipped the coins in. His tongue peeked out in concentration as he moved from the front of the machine to the side, pushing and pulling the joystick infinitesimally. Once it was aligned to his liking, he took a step back and crossed his arms. A proud smile stretched across his face. “There. That’ll catch it.” He looked to me. “Push the button.”

“What? Why me?”

“Better hurry, Rosie. Time’s about to run out.”

I blinked. Right before the timer counted down the last few seconds, I stepped forward and hit the button.

We watched as the mechanical claw descended, gripped the fuzzy penguin, and slowly lifted it into the air. I held my breath as it jerked at the top. I thought for sure the prize would fall when the claw jostled, but somehow it survived the jolt. Then the claw swung over to the front corner. The closer it got to its destination, the more my shoulders tensed. Until finally, the penguin dropped… right into the prize hole.

I shook it off. How had a stupid claw machine gotten me so worked up?

Vance reached a hand in and pulled out the stuffed penguin. “You won!” he presented it to me, smiling. “Congratulations!”

“What?” I stared at the toy and then him, nonplussed.
“You
won it. Give it to your girlfriend.”

“Nah. She hates these things.” He wiggled it in front of me enticingly. “If it’s not jewelry, she doesn’t want it.”

My brows pulled in. How could any girl hate stuffed animals from their boyfriend?

While I paused, he took the opportunity to drop the prize into my hands. “Take the penguin.”

I frowned at the thing and then thrust it back towards him.
“You
take the penguin.”

He pushed it back towards me again, a game of reverse tug-of-war. “I want you to have the penguin.”

“I don’t want the penguin!”

“The penguin loves you!”

I took it. When he smiled triumphantly, I chucked it at his head! “I hate penguins!” I shouted, but I was smiling now.

He caught it when it bounced off his face. His jaw dropped in mock offense. “How can you hate penguins!” he exclaimed. “He’s so cute.” He actually started petting the thing, and pouted.

I rolled my eyes. “As if the pout would work on me.” What a freaking goober.

“Do you seriously hate penguins?” he asked.

I shivered. “They remind me of my old geometry teacher.”

For a moment he just stared at me with a manic expression. Then he threw his head back and started laughing. His laugh suited him: shameless and unrestrained. It was so obnoxious, I couldn’t help but smile along.

“Let me guess…” he said when he was able to compose himself. “Miss Yellow.”

“Yes!”

We both groaned and then broke into laughter at the memory of our frustrating old high school math teacher. I was surprised to find any amusement in revisiting the past, and I’d surely never expected that would come from Miss Yellow. It was weird being able to laugh about a high school memory with Vance as if we had experienced it together.

He shook his head. “What was up with her weird penguin obsession?”

“I’m sayin’!
Remember those creepy stuffed penguins in the corner?” I held up our new friend. “Every time we were taking tests they were always there, watching.” We both shuddered.

“Weirder than that—she looked like a penguin.” I slapped a hand over my mouth and earnestly tried not to laugh at his words. But it was true. She had black hair with one white streak, no chin and a long pointed nose, like a beak. “And she waddled when she walked.” He stood up and did the waddle.

“Vance!” I couldn’t believe he was making fun of someone. It was totally mean but there was no stopping my laughter.

“And her voice!” he shouted. “What did the acorn say when it grew up?” he imitated her nasally, high pitched voice perfectly. “Gee, I’mma Tree! Get it? Like Geometry!”

I cupped both my hands over my mouth, trying and failing to stifle my hysterical laughter. It was scary how much he sounded just like her. I totally remembered those stupid jokes she loved to tell. She thought she was so funny, but the class was too busy hating her to appreciate her corny humor.

“Oh, how about this one,” he cleared his throat and used Miss Yellow’s voice again. “How do you trap a zoid?” He paused for effect. “Trapezoid! Get it? Like the shape!”

Oh my gosh, I couldn’t breathe! And my wheezing was starting to sound like a dying seal. Even though I didn’t remember Vance from back then, having the same experiences and knowing so many of the same people sort of linked us together, in a roundabout way.

We sat there cracking up for another few minutes and talking about other teachers from high school. I was a little worried that we were being a nuisance, but when the waitress passed by, she just smiled at us. I had a feeling that had everything to do with Vance.

The boy had exuberance and inherent goodness in his genetic makeup. He was so much more of people person than I could ever hope to be. He had this gregarious glow that made everyone else happy just by having him in the room. I mean, if he could win me over, there was no hope for anyone to resist.

“Scarlett?”

I turned and saw a boy standing at the edge of our table. The rest of his party had continued further down to be seated. He smiled at me when I looked up, and I just stared back awkwardly. He was cute in a preppy sort of way. But I didn’t recognize him.

Had he gone to our school? I looked to Vance for help, but he looked just as confused as me. Who was this guy? And how did he know my name?

At a loss, I looked back at the boy, embarrassed over my lapse in memory. “Hey…” I started.

“Todd,” he nodded as if it had been on the tip of my tongue, but it didn’t help. Not even a little. Small talk escaped me as nervous energy bubbled in my belly. What were you supposed to say when this happened!

He looked a little irked when he realized I couldn’t place him. “The Greek party? New Year’s Eve?” he clarified.

Oh no.

This past New Year’s Day was a turning point for me, when I woke up alone, over it, and vowing to change. I was determined to redefine myself and find the girl that I had lost. Everything was supposed to be different this year.

It was safe to say that had not gone so well.

As for the night before, the only thing I could remember about that party was it had been the very last time I was ever seriously, incredibly, unbelievably wasted.

I tried to conjure up memories from that night. Blurry images flickered across my mind… sitting on a couch between two other couples, making out like nobody’s business while those around us counted down, then celebrated to the tune of
Auld Lang Syne.
Confetti rained down through the air and I giggled as little pieces kept getting stuck in the small spaces between us.

Had that been Todd’s lap I was sitting on? I studied his face to see if anything could jog my memory. He was cute, but there was nothing even slightly familiar.

Until I got to his chin.

I froze. I knew that clef. I’d licked that clef before.

Shit
.

I looked up and plastered on an overdone smile to make up for being a total asshole.

“Todd! How are you?” I said, then toned it down so it wouldn’t be mistaken for flirting. Surely I was just coming off as weird.

Have I mentioned I’m not a natural people person?

“I’m great,” he said, then his expression softened. “I heard a rumor about you dropping out—”

“I’m here, aren’t I,” I lifted my hot chocolate mug in a makeshift salute, then took a sip and changed the subject. “What in the world are you doing in San Dimas?”

“Just graduated,” he grinned proudly. “Got a job. Moved into an apartment out here with a couple buddies.”

“Congratulations,” I said, my conjured smile in place. Was it just me, or was this incredibly awkward? How were you supposed to “catch up” with someone you’d never really spoken to?

He smiled in return, oblivious to the awkwardness I was feeling. “Yeah. Thanks. Listen, we’re having this party Friday at our new place. You down?”

I looked away like I had to think about it. But I didn’t have to think about it. I was cringing on the inside, appalled at myself for my behavior last year and sick at the thought of repeating it. In fact another memory hit me just then: I was pretty sure the line that had won me over on New Year’s Eve was,
“wanna make out?”

“Sorry, Todd,” I said, fiddling with my napkin. “Not this time. But have fun.”

“That’s cool,” he shrugged, indifferent. “Catch ya around.” And with that, he rejoined his friends.

Alone once again, I peeked up at Vance through contrite eyes. For a split second I hoped that he hadn’t caught on to that little exchange. His smirk told me otherwise. Heat crept up my skin due to Vance witnessing this little window into my past.

“Old flame?”

“Evidently,” I crossed my arms.
Yes, that was some guy I met at a party, made out with all night, then completely forgot. And this wasn’t the only time it happened.
It was probably the sluttiest thing he ever witnessed of me. I had put myself in a lot of risky situations last year. I should have known there was a limit to how many times a person could be so careless and get away scot-free. “What do you think about that, boyfriend of the year?” I taunted, but it was feeble. Next to Lexi I had still been pure as the fresh fallen snow. But standing on my own, there was nothing to weigh against my own transgressions.

“I think… that Todd is even more clueless than Nathan,” Vance remarked. “Huh… Didn’t think that was possible.”

I rolled my eyes, and when he laughed I launched a sugar packet at his head. That was seriously embarrassing.

Just then, I was distracted by a family of three walking in. It looked like their little girl was no older than four. Her tiny yawn made me realize it must’ve been way past her bed time. I wondered why they were at Honey’s at this late hour. Were they traveling through?

When they passed by our table I reached out and offered her the stuffed penguin. She hesitated a moment before she took it. Her sleepy smile brightened just a little.

Not missing the exchange, Vance grinned at me. “Preparing for the next generation of trapezoid fans?”

“Rumor has it Miss Yellow is planning to retire before then,” I answered. “Those lucky ducks.”

* * *

[Past]

Seven days.

It had been seven whole days since the night of the party. Since the night I met the mysterious stranger. And even though he disappeared as quickly as he arrived, leaving me with no reason to believe I’d ever hear from him again, his absence felt like a first heartbreak.

For one moment that night, my heart had soared. My soul had connected to another. My body had wanted to smile and sing and shine. But the thing about moments? They’re meant to be brief. It was over, which meant it was back to obscurity for me.

I quietly sighed. I was trying really hard not to be obsessive about it, but I was truly bummed. Plenty of boys had come and gone since college started, but I couldn’t remember the last time I cared whether or not they called. Why was this one so different? He hadn’t even kissed me. He hadn’t even told me his name.