VEGAS follows you home (44 page)

"You said it's not a competition."

"It isn't. Nor is it a test. I am curious, though."

"It's not like he's given me many things to appreciate. I cannot appreciate his previous actions, for obvious reasons, no matter how much he's trying to apologize and change."

Heaviness settles in my chest. Closing my eyes, I breathe in deep through my nose.

"I understand." Dr. Livingston's sympathetic response causes me to reopen my eyes.

"Okay, I'd like to try another exercise. This one will be a bit more intense and intimate."

Olivia tenses.

"Please shift on the couch to face each other the best you can."

Olivia and I both sit, unmoving.

"I typically have couples sit on the floor, but I’m not going to ask Olivia to do so. Now, face each other."

The doctor stands from her seat, walking around to lean against the front of her desk.

"For the next five minutes, you will simply look at each other. No looking away or past the person. If this happens, we will start the five minutes over again."

"Are we children?" I narrow my eyes on her.

"Not at all, Damon." She folds her arms over her chest. "But I am the doctor and this exercise only works if both of you participate fully." She cocks her right brow.

With our backs to the arms of the small couch, Olivia and I look into each other's eyes.

"Now, really look at each other. Focus on the other's eyes, small imperfections, twitches, and so forth. Starting….now."

Olivia focuses on my nose and then mouth for the briefest of moments before returning to my eyes. Her brow furrows just a little, but then we fall into a comfortable shared gaze. My chest warms, limbs begin to tingle, and breathes come quicker. The effect she has on me is astounding. Before we both realize it, the five minutes is up.

"Now," the doctor speaks soft and quiet, "share your thoughts with one another while considering your own reactions and thoughts."

"You are so beautiful," I whisper, reaching and taking the hand resting on her knee.

"Thank you," she breathes out.

"I am amazed by the way you make me feel without saying anything."

"Why do you affect me this way?" she asks.

For a moment, I'm silent — stunned. It's a question, but also a confession.

"I don't know," I answer, honestly.

"How can I feel like this for you, after all that's happened?"

"How do you feel?"

My hand tightens on hers in anticipation.

She shakes her head violently, breaking our trance.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

Her hand slips from mine. She turns back to face the doctor.

"That's fine. It was a very good start. I'm impressed with you both."

I'm unable to look away from Olivia. In a short moment of questions, she's revealed so much.

"You've done well with each exercise for such a short time," the doctor continues and I hear the sounds of her desk chair as she returns to sit. "Next, I'd like try something. This usually comes later in my program, but I think this is a good time in regards to your situation."

"Which is?" Olivia prompts.

"A date."

The two words bring my attention back to the doctor.

"A date?" I ask.

"Yes, I would like for you two to spend a couple of hours out in a neutral area with one another. No family or child. This should be as if you were taking a woman on a first date." She levels a look on me.

I nod.

"Why a date?" Olivia asks, finally having worked through the shock.

"It's a good way for you two to associate as a man and woman. This is essential to any relationship." The doctor sits back in her chair.

"You are not just a mother, a baker, a business woman, or his wife. You are, at your base, a woman." She turns her attention back to me. "And you are not just a business man, a husband, a father, or your past. You both need to see each other as one man and one woman. This will be a good start."

"A start?" Olivia presses, not missing the innuendo.

"Yes." The doctor smiles, almost slyly. "After our next appointment, I will be asking you both to spend a weekend together. Just the two of you."

"But—" Olivia tries to interject.

"We will discuss it at a further date, but don't panic. I'm not demanding anything to happen. I'll be asking that you two share a weekend together alone. Sleeping arrangements and so forth are established between the two of you and your comfort levels."

Dr. Livingston looks at her watch.

"I'm afraid we've reached our time. Until next week?"

Both of us nod before leaving her office.

After gathering our coats in silence, we exit the office building.

"Olivia?"

She turns, looking hesitant.

"I'd like to visit Alex tomorrow."

She nods. "Of course."

"Can I please give you a ride?"

She shakes her head.

"No, thank you. I need to think."

She gives me a small smile before turning to walk to the bus stop.

From inside the waiting car, I sit, watching, refusing to pull away until I see she's gotten onto the bus.

Olivia

The ride home from the therapist is a blur. My mind awash in the memory of his confessions, the way he looked at me, and the way it felt. My feelings bubbling to the surface, flowed from my mouth like lava. It practically burned to ask him the questions, to make my own revelations known.

Entering the apartment, Mercedes sits at the small dining table, flipping through one of my magazines. Alex is in his highchair, eating.

"Momma." He gives me a food littered smile.

"Hey, baby." I smile.

"How'd it go?" She doesn't look up.

"Okay." I don't mean for my words to sound so desolate.

Her head pops up, eyes narrowing.

"What's wrong?"

"It's nothing." I shake my head.

Shedding my coat, I hang it on the coatrack and walk into the kitchen. I'd love a stronger drink, but know that's not an option.

"Liv," she draws out my name.

"Really, Ced, it's nothing. The sessions are emotionally taxing."

I shrug, open the fridge, and retrieve a bottle of water. What I wouldn't give for a super dark, strong cup of coffee.

"That's sort of part of the deal, right?"

Mercedes now sits sideways in the wooden chair, her arm resting on the back. I nod.

"Do you need to talk? Or are you all talked out?" Concern fills her eyes.

"Can we talk later?" Not wanting to push away her offer, I just need a bit more me time with these thoughts and feelings.

"Of course." She stands, walking to the kitchen island between us. "I'll call Felicity and we can do a girls take-out night. Sound good?"

Before I can answer, she's touching the screen of her phone and putting it to her ear. Smiling, I know how lucky I am. Not everyone has friends like mine, but everyone should.

Upon receipt of Felicity's text announcing she's arrived, Mercedes opens the door to let her into the apartment. Felicity sets the take-out bags on the table and the delicious scent of cumin and chilies fills the air. My stomach growls audibly, drawing a look of amusement from both Mercedes and Felicity.

"Get the girl some food," Felicity orders, slipping off her white down filled coat.

Tonight, Felicity wears dark blue yoga pants, UGG boots, and an oversized, bright pink sweater. This is uncommon for the normally put together Felicity. She catches my appraising eye.

"I came straight from yoga class." She slips off the boots, revealing perfectly white-tipped toenails.

I start taking containers from the plastic-reinforced paper bags.

"Since when do you participate in — and I quote — new age mat stretching?" Mercedes grins.

"Shush," Felicity responds with fake anger. "It's couples yoga," she mumbles.

The large helping of rice and beans I'm scooping onto my plate almost misses at her admission.

"Whoa, wait a minute." Mercedes puts her hands up, palms forward. "You are doing this for a girl?"

"Don't start with me, Ced," Felicity warns, playfully.

"The Lez-Ho is pussy whipped!" Mercedes shouts and falls into hysterics.

I join her, but shush her at the same time.

"Alex is sleeping," I remind on a laugh.

"I hate you." Felicity grins, taking a seat and reaching for the food.

"Ahh, our little playa playa is settling down." Mercedes tilts her head. "I'm so proud of you."

"Maybe we should talk about you and my brother?" Felicity counters.

Mercedes stiffens, the smile falling from her face.

"There's nothing to talk about," Mercedes shuts down, reaching out to prepare her own plate.

"Wait, what am I missing?" I ask around a mouthful of food.

"Oh, just the fact that our little Rainbow Bright lit up Al's night about a month ago." Felicity puts a forkful of chicken enchilada in her mouth, a satisfied grin on her lips.

Mercedes groans.

"How do I not know about this?" I ask Mercedes.

I drop my fork to my plate and begin searching for the enchiladas I unintentionally missed. Felicity pushes a foil container toward me, knowing what I am looking for.

"You've had a lot going on." Mercedes shrugs.

"And you didn't tell me?" I look at Felicity.

"I've only known for a little over a week. Her attitude with him at the courthouse didn't sit right with me."

"So, you told Felicity and not me?" My feelings are a bit hurt.

"No, no," Felicity interrupts my question. "I practically had to threaten my brother's life to get it out of him, but he caved."

Turning back to Mercedes, I furrow my brow.

"It was just one night and you had a lot going on. It wasn’t exactly the most pleasant experience, so I just wanted to forget about it."

"What happened?" Felicity leans forward, concern on her face. "Al didn't say anything bad. Did he do something?"

"No, no. It's just…" Bringing her elbows to the table, she drops her face into her palms and sighs.

"It's just, what?" I press, concern ebbing away my appetite.

"He sucks in bed." Her response is muffled by her hands.

Silence lingers for about a minute.

"Oh my God!" Felicity bursts into a fit of laughter.

"Umm…" I'm not sure what to say.

Mercedes drops her hands.

"It's not funny, Felicity."

"Fuck yes it is!" She snorts. "Please, please, please let me tell him you said that!"

"NO!" Mercedes scowls.

"So, you're mad at him because he isn't…you know." I wave my hand.

"Because he's a bad lay!" Felicity giggles.

"This is your brother we're talking about," I remind her.

She nods. "It's the best ever! That arrogant Mister Perfect isn't so perfect."

"I thought if I was mean he would lose interest, but I can't get rid of him," Mercedes whines, taking a bite.

"I honestly don't know if I can keep this to myself." Felicity takes a deep breath.

"Well, you have to,” Mercedes demands. "Don't be so cruel."

"Okay, okay." She puts her hands up. "I'll keep my lips as shut as your legs where his inept penis is involved."

Laughter bursts out and I cover my mouth to muffle the volume. Felicity mimics. Mercedes glares at both of us before joining.

After a few more jokes and almost all of the food, we lounge around the living room. The TV is on, but the volume is low.

"You ready to talk?" Felicity asks, putting her wine glass down on the coffee table.

She sits back in the oversized chair across from my seat on the couch. Mercedes pulls her legs under her, causing the couch cushions to shift briefly.

Sighing, I give them a recount of the exercises Damon and I participated in.

Felicity nods. "I can see why you would have a hard time with appreciating things."

"Liv, how does Damon make you feel?"

I shrug.

"No, come on," Mercedes pushes.

"We don't judge, Liv. You know that," Felicity adds.

"It's hard to explain because I'm still so unsure of it all." I focus on a nonexistent spot on the coffee table.

"Try." Mercedes voice is close and soon, her arm is around my shoulders.

Looking up, my eyes land on Felicity's and the kindness in them breaks me.

"How do I care about someone like Damon Knyght?"

Tears sting my eyes.

"How can I possibly fall in love with my stalker after everything?"

Mercedes’ arm tightens, pulling me to lean on her.

"It's like those cheesy romances or news headlines:
Women who fall in love with their captors
. I mean, who does that?" A tear slips, catching on the side of my nose.

"Liv, no one chooses to feel." The sympathy in Felicity's voice is quickly replaced. “But it's about time you started."

"What?" I choke back a sob.

"You've been living in the shadow of the ghosts of loves past for so long," Mercedes adds, holding me tight.

"I don't—"

"You do."

Felicity stands, disappearing into the hallway.

"But I don't. I just—"

Felicity returns with a box on her hip and a stack of sketchpads under the opposite arm.

"You loved Isaac. Isaac loved you. Loving, caring, being happy again does not take away from what you had." She sets the items on the coffee table and I flinch. "You've put him in a tomb."

"It hurts," I whisper.

"I'm sure it does." Felicity takes her seat once more. "But do you really think Isaac would want you to hold on to him like this?"

She motions to one of the boxes containing dried up paints, pastels, and other Isaac remnants.

"I loved him so much," I hiccup.

"I know." Mercedes rocks me. "You know he wouldn't want you to hold back on life, Liv. I didn't know Isaac like you, but the times we were all together…Liv, he was so full of life and determined to live it."

A sob rips from my throat, a verbal confirmation of my heart tearing in two.

"We aren't saying to forget him, but it's time to let him go."

Felicity moves as she speaks, sitting on the table in front of me.

Her hands take mine and our eyes meet.

"You feel like you're betraying him by feeling, but you're not. You've made him a ghost."

Hurt from her words sends a shot of anger through me. I furrow my brow and prepare to lash out.

"Liv, you love Alex. Does that take away from the baby you lost?"

My anger dissolves and I collapse against Mercedes. Sobs wrack my body, tears blind me. Felicity's arms encircle us.

I don't know how much time passes before we finally pull apart. Tears still burn behind my eyes, but the sobs seem to have exorcised the ghost.

Wiping my face with my sleeve, full of determination, I go to the hall closet — Isaac's tomb. Sitting cross-legged, I begin to pull out sketchpads, canvases, CDs, photographs, and all the things I'd locked away. I feel Felicity and Mercedes sit on each side of me, but don't look away from the portrait Isaac sketched of me. I sat on a large chair, magazines all around me, and my face looking down at the one in my lap.