Vegas to Varanasi (Fortytude Series Book 1) (17 page)

Twenty-Seven

It’s our last night in Varanasi, and we finally make it to the Aarti, or fire ceremony, on the Ganges. After having dinner and a few glasses of wine at a nearby hotel, Kiran and I sit on one of the planks set up to view the performance, where platforms have been erected for its participants. There’s a festive energy as spectators of all ages take their seats around us. Looking beyond to the Ganges, many are seated in boats to watch from the water.

Bright lights shine above, attracting all manner of insects that flutter in front of us from time to time. I must look like a crazy person as I swipe at them. Kiran laughs at me when one of them hits my eye, and I make a sound reminiscent of the Three Stooges.

“I wish I had some repellent!” I take the scarf out of my bag and wrap it around my head, letting it hang low over my brow.

The temperature is still in the nineties, making the air heavy, but an occasional breeze comes off the water, carrying with it the smell of incense. Apparently, this is not a ceremony in which we are required to remain silent, because everyone continues their chatter as the five young men dressed in bright orange blow into conch shells for the commencement.

Each of them chimes a hand-held bell as they gracefully offer incense to Ganga Ma. Their hand movements are very much like that of a belly dancer as exotic eastern music, with drums beating rhythmically, accompanies the exhibition. A little girl of about five years old with short bobbed hair dances in front of us, spinning joyfully.

Kiran looks at her, then smiles and takes my hand, and suddenly I want to capture every detail of this evening in my memory. From the corner of my eye, I watch him as he takes in the events before us. I miss Carly and Hayden so much it hurts, but I don’t want to leave this place. I feel like I could stay here with him forever, squat toilets and all; the magic I’ve experienced will never be matched in this lifetime. Just send me my kids, and I’ll be good.

My gaze wanders to Kiran’s thick, wavy hair that reaches the base of his neck. His dark skin, his exquisite, sensitive eyes. I recall how he let me use his lap as a pillow in the airport. The hilarious video he shared with me to relieve my anxiety about the bathrooms. The way he took care of me while I was sick. I love this man. I love him.

What? That was clearly the wine talking.

I dart my eyes back to the performance, where the young men are slowly waving candelabras that resemble miniature Christmas trees. The enchanting, mysterious music, the devotion in the offering, the glow of lights reflecting on the water, all stir something in me, and I mourn my return to the States.

“Everything okay?” Kiran asks, adjusting my scarf. “Are the bugs leaving you alone?”

“Mmm hmm.”

His eyes linger on mine, and there is such genuine warmth in everything about him, I almost want to cry.

Get a grip, Anna. You’ve had one too many.

***

Later that night, we share a bottle of wine in front of the TV. “I wish we could stay another week,” I say. “I hate that we lost a day and a half to Delhi Belly.”

“Me, too. But it could have been worse.” His eyes are red, and like me, I believe he’s pretty toasted. He takes the glass of wine from my hand and sets it on the coffee table. Without warning, he’s on top of me, kissing me passionately. Our hands are all over each other.

He stops to look at me and brushes his thumb over my lips. “I’m drunk,” he says with a smile.

“I know. So am I.”

His expression sobers. “I’m afraid I’m going to say something I’ll regret.”

“A life without regrets isn’t worth living,” I tease.

He nods, still serious. “Actually, regret isn’t the right word. So you’ll forgive my diarrhea of the mouth?”

I can’t help but laugh. “You really are drunk, aren’t you?”

“I said that, didn’t I?”

“You’re pretty entertaining when you’re lit.” I run my fingers through his hair. “Go ahead. Unleash.”

“I’m completely in love with you, but I’m sure you already know that.” He presses his forehead to mine and groans. “Please don’t run now that I’ve said it.”

“Run? Are you mad?” I give him a deep, lingering kiss before I go on. “During the ceremony tonight, that just popped right into my head. I love you. Jesus, how I love you!” Funny how alcohol can result in the most cornball conversations ever, but that’s okay. I hold his face and look into his eyes. “But we have to remember where we are. We’re in a ridiculously romantic place, closed off from our regular lives. Maybe you’ll feel differently when we get home.”

I can’t just leave it alone and go with it. Anna, you’re such a buzz kill!

He shakes his head vehemently. “I’ve loved you since I was seventeen. Is that crazy?” He buries his face in my neck, his lips moving along my skin. “I don’t care if it’s crazy.”

Oh, it’s crazy alright. But do I care? Um... hell no!

“If you don’t feel the same once we get back, it’s okay,” he says. “You’re here with me now.”

I
will
feel the same once we get back, it’s just that I have a feeling my troubled ex won’t make things so easy.

Twenty-Eight

Two days of travel later, I’m back in my very own kitchen, eating Chinese takeout with Hayden and Carly. I am in a little bit of a funk because my time in Varanasi is behind me, but seeing the kids definitely makes up for it.

“So what was it like?” Carly asks as she scoops Kung Pao chicken onto her plate. “Was it amazing?”

“Ah,” I sigh. “I’ve got so many pictures to show you guys. The ones I put on Facebook are only about a third of what I have.”

I tell them all about the things we did and saw, about me getting sick, meeting Kiran’s family.

“Are you gonna eat that egg roll?” Hayden asks Carly. She shakes her head, and he plucks it from the styrofoam carton. “So are you guys officially an item now?”

I grin and ready myself for a bite of chow mein. “I think we are.” I intend to talk to Carly alone to find out exactly what’s been going on with David, but it can wait until later. I’m not sure she’ll want to open up if it’s the three of us.

“Tell her about the dude you met,” Hayden says to Carly.

“You met someone?”

She shrugs as if it’s not a big deal, but can’t conceal the flush in her cheeks. “We just went out once.”

Carly doesn’t date much, because as I’ve said, she’s extremely picky, so I’m definitely intrigued.

“He’s a
musician
.” Hayden arches his eyebrows.

Oh. A musician. Carly must have seen the change in my expression.

“He’s not a musician like you’re thinking, Mom. He’s not in a band. He’s in the symphony. Plays the violin.”

Hayden groans and shakes his head. “Better than the flute, I guess.”

She gives him a dirty look. “You’d think, studying a creative field yourself, you’d be a little more approving.”

“Yeah, maybe if he played the guitar or the drums. The piano, even.” He pops a wonton into his mouth, and then proceeds with his mouth full. “Sorry, but the violin’s a little fruity.”

Ignoring his remark, she looks at me. “
Anyway
, he’s nice. His name is Jason and we went to the movies the other night.”

“That’s great! Will there be a second date?”

“He invited me to a symphony performance he’s in this weekend.”

I admit, I’m still not thrilled. I’m a practical parent who thinks young people should study something likely to pay the bills, and pursue their artistic talents on their own time. Not that you can’t choose something that still provides some satisfaction, but it’s hard enough to make it these days with a sensible choice.

I’m excited for Carly that she met someone she likes. We’ll see how long it lasts.

Later on, after dinner, I ask Carly to come back to my bedroom with me so we can catch up some more. I climb onto my bed and pat the spot next to me. She plops down and props her head on her hand. “Let me guess. David?”

“Of course. After what Hayden said, you had to expect I would wanna know how things went the rest of the time I was away.”

“He’s... not contacted me anymore.” She faces me, but her gaze wanders.

I sit up and cross my legs. “There’s something you’re not saying. Spill it.”

She grimaces and takes a deep breath. “Okay. There was one kind of weird incident after we talked to you that time, but I didn’t mention it to Hayden. I didn’t want him to go blabbing it to you and ruin your trip.”

I’m disturbed by her choice of words, almost afraid to learn what she’s referring to. “What do you mean
weird
?”

“Well, that same day we talked to you, David came by the house, and his agent was with him.”

“Agent? You mean for his book?”

She nods. “Did he tell you it came out a couple weeks ago?”

“No, he never said anything.” This really takes me by surprise. Why would he not have mentioned that to me?

“So, yeah, anyway, it came out, and I guess it’s doing really well. Apparently, his publishing house knows what it’s doing, because he already had all these glowing editorial reviews on Amazon right when it came out.”

“Wow, that’s fantastic!” What an accomplishment. I smile to myself, so pleased that his debut is a success. “I still can’t believe he never said anything.”

“I know. I didn’t know anything about it, either, until that night he came over.”

“Okay, so he brought his agent with him. And...”

Carly nibbles on her bottom lip before she continues. “He’d been drinking.”

I look up and sigh. “Of course.”

“He and his agent had been out celebrating, and David said he wanted to bring, I can’t remember his name, I think it was Trevor, by to meet his
daughter
.”

I jerk my head back. “What?”

“Yeah.” Carly sits up now. “He made up this big story about how I was his daughter and how proud he was of me, that you and he had been married, but were still close friends...”

He was describing me and Luke. I draw my lips inward as I try to make sense of this whole scenario, and Carly shares my troubled reaction.

“It was bad, Mom, because I’m sure his agent could see from the confused look on my face that David was making it all up. It was so awkward!”

I get up from the bed and lift my palms. “What am I gonna do with him? This isn’t good, is it?”

Carly just gives me a sympathetic stare, but one that tells me she has no idea what to think.

“The poor guy needs therapy or something,” I say. “Why is he suddenly going so off the deep end? You’d think the success of his book would have made things better for him. He got what he worked for.”

She shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“You haven’t heard from him since?”

“No.”

“Please tell me he’s at least got his own place now, that he’s not living out of a hotel.”

“He said he’s got an apartment a couple miles from us.”

I am truly concerned about him and plagued with guilt. Though it was his decision to split, the death of his dad, combined with his inability to deal with the loss of the family he had with me and the kids, makes it impossible for me to move forward without looking back. If it weren’t for Kiran, I would take back my decision to break all ties with David, but how can I do that now? I won’t do that to Kiran.

I have to talk to David. He’s lost, and if anything ever happened to him, I’d never forgive myself if he believed I no longer gave a shit.

Twenty-Nine

The following afternoon I get off work, and drive to David’s apartment. I texted him for his new address, saying that we need to talk. He was pretty hesitant about me coming to his place, trying to steer me toward meeting somewhere else, which heightened my curiosity. Why doesn’t he want me to see his apartment?

David opens his front door. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He doesn’t look so great. Dark circles are under his eyes, and he’s lost a little weight. He’s let his beard grow in some, which is speckled with grey. We exchange a clumsy embrace, and he invites me in.

It’s actually a nice apartment, with a fair-sized living room, a charming kitchen with an arch over the breakfast bar, and a patio off the front room, but it’s a mess. Unpacked boxes litter the floor, and dirty dishes are stacked in the sink.

“See why I wanted to meet somewhere?” he asks with an embarrassed smile, motioning me toward the living room.

“It takes a while to settle in. It’s a nice place.”

“You want something to drink?”

I take a seat on the sofa. “I’m good, thanks. Carly told me about your book and how well it’s doing. That’s incredible! Why didn’t you say anything?”

Sitting down in the chair next to me, he shakes his head and shrugs. “I don’t know.”

His profound sadness is tangible, and I almost wish I hadn’t come. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you working on something new?”

He leans on his knees and laces his fingers. “Not yet.”

“I’m sure you’re pretty busy promoting right now, huh?”

“Anna...”

I lean my head back on the sofa and look at the ceiling. I know whatever he’s about to say is just going to make me feel worse.

“I wanna tell you I’m sorry about everything. How I neglected our relationship, the drinking, not trying to work things out. Everything.”

Still looking up, I answer. “It doesn’t matter now. The important thing is you got what you’ve been working so hard for.” I meet his eyes. “Doesn’t that make you happy? That it wasn’t for nothing? It’s been your dream.”

In the same position, he lowers his head and stares at the floor. “I miss you. I thought it was what I wanted, but I can’t enjoy it because I don’t have you to share it with. And now it’s too late... You’re with him.”

Agh!
Insert knife, twist in heart. So help me, if he makes me cry...

“Does he know you’re here?”

“Why?”

“Does he know?”

“Yeah. He knows.” I told Kiran everything. I wasn’t going to risk him thinking I was doing something behind his back.

David nods and looks away. “You don’t want him thinking you still love me.”

“I
do
still love you. I’ll always love you.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

I see no point in continuing this line of conversation. “Carly told me about the night you stopped by. How you told your agent she was your daughter. That I was your ex-wife.”

He laughs uncomfortably and gets up from his seat. “That was all in fun.” He walks to the kitchen, and through the bar I see him take a dirty glass from the sink, rinse it out, then drink some water.

I walk over to the bar and rest my elbows on it. “Can I tell you something?”

He leans against the counter, facing me. “What?”

“I truly believe this isn’t about me at all.”

He shakes his head. “How can you say that? Of course it’s about you!”

“Are you still drinking?”

After placing the glass in the sink, he heads back to the living room. “Oh, and here we go with the drinking again. You know what? I’ve been kinda depressed. Maybe it has something to do with my dad dying, and the woman I love shacking up with another guy!”

“Stop! Just stop!”

He freezes near the sofa, apparently surprised by my reaction.

“I’m tired of tiptoeing around you. You know what your problem is? You’re one of those people who will never be happy, because you don’t know how to
let
yourself be happy. You hid it well, but you were unhappy when we met, and I’m pretty sure you were never really happy while we together. Maybe in the beginning...”

His chest heaves as I continue. “Now that you’ve got what you’ve dreamed about, you can’t even enjoy it. For crying out loud, can’t you just be happy for once?”

He blinks at me, like I’m speaking a foreign language.

“David, our time together is over. Let’s just appreciate what we had. I do.” I walk over to him and playfully pull on his shirt. “Sweetie, as much as I wish we could stay in each other’s lives, it’s not gonna work. And you’ve been hurting for a while. You need to talk to someone. A professional.”

The pain in his eyes shreds me to pieces. Part of me wishes that I never met Kiran, that I was still in love with David, and I could tell him we’d try again.

He backs away and rubs his mouth. “I’m glad you’re happy, Anna. But honestly, I don’t see it working out with him.”

I know he wants me to ask him why, but I won’t do it. “You may be right.” I head for the door. Putting my hand on the knob, I turn around. “If you want me to help you find a good therapist, I will. I still care about you, and I just want you to be happy. Bye, David.”

And with that, I walk out the door.