Venus Envy (24 page)

zoz

‘We could try BHS,’ Tom suggested, when I finally made it out, dishevelled and red faced. ‘There’s one downstairs. Or a Next across the street.’

‘You must be out of your bloody mind. Do you

think I’m going to be a maid ok honour in something ‘from Next?’

Tom shrugged. The thick set of his shoulders had all

the little shopgirls making eyes at him over their tills. ‘What are you frowning at?’ ‘Those girls are staring at you.’

Tom grinned as I followed him out of the door. ‘Are you jealous, Alex?’

‘I don’t happen to go for brutes and bullies,’ I said, stomping off to River Island. ‘I like my men poetic and sensitive.’

‘Mmm. Like the pop star who looks like a stick insect.’

‘Do you mean Jarvis Cocker? Pulp are brilliant, actually.’

‘Pulp, what an appropriate name. I don’t see why you can’t grow up and listen to some Mozart occasionally.’

‘Maybe because I wasn’t born twO hundred years old,’ I howled, frantically flipping through the racks in search of something suitable. Nothing was demure enough; dressy enough, or pretty enough (without being too pretty). Time and again I would sigh and pick up something soft, and Tom would say, ‘That’s upstaging.’

2,03

‘Goddamn it. I would upstage Ellen wearing a paper bag!’ I fumed.

Tom gave me a considered look at that. ‘You really can be a spoilt brat, Alex. She’s supposed to be your friend. You’ve got no idea how much you wallow in self-pity.’

‘That’s it.’ I hung the silver shift thingy back on the wall peg. ‘You win. Take me home, I’d rather wear that fucking magenta horror than spend another second in your company.’

‘Marvellous, we finally agree on something.’ He shifted his great rangy bulk out of the tiny Hennes chair. ‘You put all that stuff back and I’ll meet you at the car.’

, Insufferable! I seethed quietly as I traipsed round hanging the damn dresses back up. I was so angry I kept knocking other dresses off their hangers, and they’d all slither to a pile on the floor, and the assistants would give me the old look of death as they dived on top of them. But I couldn’t give a bugger about the assistants, I’d had enough aggro for this incarnation already.

It Was by the exits that inspiration struck. There was a wall-mounted telephone. And I had a credit card and stacks of ten pences.

‘Hello, is that Debenhams? I was in there earlier trying on the Pierce II Fionda dress? Why don’t I give you my Visa, and I’d like to pay extra for express delivery. I’ll ring you with the address in about half an hour, is that OK?’

They couldn’t have been more helpful. Ha ha ha, I thought with triumph, I am woman, hear me roar.

We drove back ludicrously fast. But I smiled lightly

like it didn’t scare me at all.

‘Don’t worry,’ Tom said maddeningly.

‘I’m not worried. Do I look worried?’

zo4

‘I took advanced driving in the Army. Off-road too. And flew a chopper, so I know how to handle this.’

‘I’m not interested in your exploits in the military regime. That Boys” Own stuff doesn’t impress me.’

‘Ah. Still a bit of a leftie, are we? Somebody’s got to man the watchtowers, Alex, so you can buy your designer frocks in peace.’

I ask you, what kind of a man says frocks?

‘We’ll put the wireless on. Listen to a bit of the

Grand Prix. Do you like Formula One?’

‘Not in the slightest.’

‘Oh dear,’ Tom said unrepentantly, and twisted the dial to Murray Walker.

‘Your sister’s blossomed,’ Tom said when we got nearer the house.

‘I suppose so.’ I thought of Gail, her birdlike prettiness, her waify, elfin quality that she plays up all the time. Tough as old boots, but who cares? Fragile girlies like that are what all the boys go for. She makes them feel like big, strong men - not that Tom needed any help.

‘All the chaps looked mad keen. And who’s her friend?’

‘That’s Olivia White. She was at school with us, and now she’s a neighbour.’

Tom didn’t say a word. I worried that Gail shouldn’t have brought an extra guest, it would throw Mrs Drummond’s seating plans out, but even though we were fighting, he was too polite to mention it.

‘Your sister works for a health food magazine, doesn’t she? What does Olivia do?

‘I don’t know. She sort of shops and parties. A bit like Linda Severn, I suppose.’ I flung in a dig at his ex.

‘She’s nothing like Linda,’ said Tom, so darkly that I shut up for the rest of the drive.

The house was in chaos by the time we got back.

zo5

Everybody was picnicking on the upper lawn, there were huge, old-fashioned wicker baskets everywhere and rugs and paper plates scattered across the grass. The men had all had a boozy lunch, I could hear raucous male laughter coming from the drawing room. They were all probably watching the stupid racing and kissing up to Ted Loman, who might be on the circuit next year.

The Drummond friends were fairly flash, if you like that obvious sort of thing. I saw Gillian Loman, Keisha and Bronwen finishing off a quiche to my right. Gillian was sprawled out on the tartan throw. She was wearing a Chanel suit, pink with white piping. She looked stunning, just right in the sunshine.

‘ ‘Did you find anything?’ Ellen asked, waddling up to

me.

‘She’s going to stick with the magenta,’ Tom said.

In your dreams, mate, I thought, but I just smiled blandly at Ellen.

‘Oh, right. Well, come and have lunch, Alex, you mhst be starving.’

Actually I was. I followed her across to Gillian’s patch. Ellen rummaged around in the delicious-looking hamper and pulled out a champagne flute. ‘Most of it’s gone, but we’ll rustle something up - how about a salmon torte, and have a Scotch egg, and some foie gras, here’s some crusty bread …’

‘This is masses.’ I helped myself to a little parma ham, a roll and a white peach. Keisha filled up my champagne flute with Perrier Jouet.

‘Aren’t these hampers wonderful?’

‘They certainly are. Mrs Drummond has really pushed the boat out,’ I agreed.

‘Oh no.’ Ellen’s florid face was beaming up at me as she started tucking into everything I just refused. ‘Tom got these in for us, he ordered them from Harrods. Oh,

zo6

I know I shouldn’t,’ she added as she sliced up the Scotch egg, ‘but it’s so heavenly, don’t you think?’

She was getting married in a couple of days. How could she stuff her face like that? What was her ribbed bodice made of, steel girders?

I ate my food sulkily. It certainly was delicious. ‘Where’s Snowy?’

‘Charles and Karl are helping her unpack,’ Bronwen said.

I looked round, and saw Tom had finally wandered off. He was being fawned on by Penny and Melissa, and was telling them some very amusing story. I wondered angrily if it was about me.

‘Who’s coming for a ride?’ Elspeth Drummond asked us after lunch.

Carrefo.ur has a riding stables attached to it at the back. They lease their facilities to a local riding school, but for the wedding weekend, they’d made sure there were twelve available horses.

‘Oooh me, I love animals,’ Gail cried.

‘And me. Bags I ride Hector,’ said Gillian.

Keisha said she thought she’d pass, Bronwen wanted to sit and read.

‘I’ve got tons of things to do,’ Ellen declined, and most of the boys made their excuses. Perfect. A chance for some fresh air.

‘I’d like to go. If it’s not too strenuous.’

‘You’ll love it, Alex, a lovely gentle ride,’ Mrs Drummond said. That old bagGeorgia Jones was up for it too, worse luck. Then Seamus Mahon, with a furtive look at me, said he’d love to try it.

‘Really? And maybe it’d do me a power of good,’ Dolores said sweetly.

‘And me. Nothing better for clearing the head,’ Tom said firmly.

Bloody wonderful.

zo7

Then there was a rustle at the top of the stairs and all heads turned to see Snowy, her perfect thighs wrapped in jodhpurs, her perfect boobs snug in a soft tweed jacket, walking slowly down the stairs in chestnut leather riding boots.

‘I wonder if you could spare a mount for me,’ she said. ‘I love a good ride.’

‘I bet you do, darling,’ said Ted Loman under his breath.

Td oblige her,’ whispered Bill Radcliffe to his mates. I flashed him a dirty look but he didn’t notice: all the boys’ stares were glued to the pantyless V of Snowy’s crotch.

‘Of course,’ said Mrs Drummond obliviously. ‘Do ‘ you prefer your mounts fast or slow?’ ‘It depends on my mood,’ said Snowy softly. I could see Charlie Drummond, hanging in the door behind us. Both Charlie and Tom were spellbound; Tom couldn’t take his eyes off her. ‘Anything’s fine.’

‘I might tag along. Make sure they don’t run off v0ith you, ‘Livia,’ muttered Charlie. She flashed him a thousand-watt smile - maybe I should have passed out the sunglasses. ‘Oh Charlie, how sweet of you to look after me.’

‘Darling, you promised to run through rehearsal with me,’ Ellen objected, but Charlie was hardly listening.

‘Can’t we do that on the day? “I do” is quite a short line - I’m not likely to forget it,’ joked the blushing groom.

Mrs Jones gave Olivia the look my mother reserves for other people’s dogs when they scent-mark our sofa.

The stables were ready when we arrived, the horses assembled in the yard. Most of the party had smart riding kit on, including Gail; I was still in Tom’s spare

o8

Wellingtons and some baggy jeans. Charlie Drummond faffed around, helping Snowy on to the smartest horse, a grey mare.

‘She’s as pure bred as you are,’ I heard him whisper. Snowy flicked her long golden locks behind her helmet. ‘What makes you think I’m so pure? I can be a very bad girl, you know.’

I was sure it couldn’t be necessary for his hands to dwell quite so much on her bottom as he helped her up. I expect he was just enjoying a rear that didn’t swallow his hand when he pressed against it.

‘Maybe we could ride together. You can tell me all about Alex and Gail,’ said Charlie, who hardly knew me from Adam.

Snowy seemed to swallow it, and she nodded and whispered, ‘Mmm, up close and personal.’

Tom cam.e charging up to me, astride a socking great Cleveland Bay, a gelding. It looked a vicious brute, but Tom ignored the whisking head.

‘I mustn’t let Charlie monopolise Olivia, must I, Alex?’

‘Certainly not.’ This was Gail, trotting over on a small Palomino. She smiled winsomely up at Tom. ‘You’ll make sure everybody mingles, Tom.’

‘I do my best. God’s teeth, Gail, how pretty you’ve got.’

Gail blushed and batted her eyelashes. ‘Thanks. And you’re so slim.’

‘I certainly hope not, I may not be a hopeless bucket of lard any more, but,’ he flexedhis muscles under that lumbe.rjack shirt, ‘slim I’m going to hive to leave to the ladies. Such as yourself.’

‘I’m as heavy as a house,’ said Gail.

Tom shook his head admiringly. ‘As a dolls’ house. Why don’t you ride with me? We can catch up. I suppose you must be knee-deep in admirers.’

Gail’s eyes lit up. ‘Not really. Nobody I truly fancy.’

zo9

‘There is a God,’ Tom laughed, and the two of them clip-clopped a little way from me, which suited me fine, I can tell you.

‘So we meet again, Alex Wilde,’ said a quiet voice behind me.

It was Seamus. He pulled up beside me, in what I guess he thought was a subtle move. Like maybe if he looked over at his wife while he was talking to me, nobody would notice.

‘Seamus, I’ve said everything I’m going to say,’ I told him heavily.

Will somebody please explain why I couldn’t get this man to acknowledge I existed last week, and yet now he was all over me?

‘Don’t let one quarrel come between us, darlin’.’ ‘There is no us. Honestly, Seamus, I’m not attracted

to you.’

‘You didn’t say that in the flat last month,’ he whispered meanly. ‘Think about it, Alex. I could make things very difficult for you.’

. ‘For God’s sake, what abou Dolores?’ I hissed. Dolores turned her head, just at that moment, and the look on her face - oh Christ, she was so hurt, and then this second look came across her and she was all composed again.

‘You didn’t think about her before either.’

‘Yeah, well, you lied to me, you little toe-rag. Sod

off.’

‘There’s nothing worse than a filthy mouth, Alex.’ ‘Except a filthy mind. Seamus, I wouldn’t touch you with somebody else’s.’ That’s a phrase of Keisha’s, but I relished having to trot it out now. I could see him stiffen beside me. ‘I’d rather sleep with a leper. OK?’

Seamus forgot to look at his wife. His head whipped straight around to me. ‘You’d better learn to play nice, Alex. If I want you, you’d better be ready to go. And don’t be giving me any lip, either.’

zIO

‘Oh yeah?’ I turned my head too. I could see people were watching us, but I didn’t care. ‘What, you’ve got mates in the IRA and they’re going to put me in a concrete overcoat at the bottom of the Thames?’

‘Nothing so dramatic. I’ll just see to it you get fired. And put it about the City that you’re a sex-mad little tramp.’

I swear that’s what he said. I was looking at him with my mouth hanging open when a shadow fell across us, and Seamus glanced up like a toad to see Tom Drummond looming over him like the wrath of God. Tom was leading Dolores’s placid mount by the bridle.

‘Your beautiful wife’s getting lonely over there, Mahon. You’d better watch out, or somebody’s going to swoop on her.’

‘Ah, darlin’, you know I’m always after talking shop,’ Seamus said gently. He smiled at poor Dolores with the full wattage of his charm. I was still breathing heavily, trying to collect myself. Her beautiful face was tight with humiliation, and she gave me a look that said, ‘How could you, you Judas?’

First I wanted to tell her it was not like that, but then it hit me: what could I say? ‘It’s OK, I was sleeping with him but I’m not any more?’

Seamus and Dolores looked like they were still having a furious row when Mrs Drummond mercifully struck off over a field.