Vets in Love (34 page)

‘Auntie Nicci!’ Sage exclaims.

‘Sh!’ I say. ‘I’m not here.’

She frowns, but Gabriel doesn’t get the subtleties of
the message. He’ll never make it in the diplomatic service.

‘Why? Are you playing hide and seek?’

I hold my breath then groan when I hear Cheska’s voice.

‘Nicci, is that you? I didn’t hear you come in.’

‘She came in the back door,’ says Sage.

Here we go, I think, as Matt and Cheska join us in the kitchen. Matt smiles at me as he folds a used fairy cake case and drops it into the pedal bin, making me smile back in spite of my situation. He’s gradually becoming more domesticated – there was a time when he’d have left it lying around for the Bobster to chew into soggy pieces and spit out on the floor.

‘I couldn’t wait for the icing,’ he says.

‘We’re going as quickly as we can,’ Sage says. ‘Anyway, I thought you were going to buy some more sprinkles.’

‘I will do.’

I’m just beginning to think there’s a chance that Matt is going to push off to the shops and I’ll get away with it but he moves to the breakfast bar and takes another undecorated fairy cake from the batch cooling on the rack.

‘I’ll go as soon as I’ve had another one of these.’

Like a naughty child, I sidle into the corner, hoping to hide the evidence of my fall. My pulse is racing and my palms are damp. Even now I could come clean, but I can’t bring myself to because I know how strongly Matt feels about me riding again, especially so soon and on Dark Star.

‘Hi, darling,’ Matt says, coming over to join me. ‘I drop in to see how you are and find that you’re up at the yard with Willow.’ He kisses me, his forehead bumping into the peak of my cap. I want to laugh but the renewed force of the pain in my ribs is too much to bear. I bite my lip.

‘I think you’ve overdone it,’ he says. ‘Go and sit down. I’ll bring you tea and a cake.’

‘She can’t sit down in those dirty jodhpurs,’ Sage chuckles, repeating my words back to me. How many times have I told her that she can’t come into the living room to watch television until she’s changed out of her riding gear?

‘That’s me been told,’ I say brightly. ‘I’ll be a few minutes.’ I start to edge my way around the kitchen, but I can’t quite make it to the door without either revealing my rear or looking like a freak.

‘Did you fall over in the muck heap, Auntie Nicci?’ Sage sings out. ‘Turn round and show everyone your bottom.’ Sage is too sharp for me. ‘That’s sand – you’ve been riding, you lucky thing!’

I am mortified. I can’t lie.

‘Nicci?’ says Matt, the muscle in his cheek taut.

‘I fell off Dark Star,’ I say in a tiny voice.

‘You what?’ A veil of disappointment falls across his eyes.

‘How did it happen?’ says Sage, oblivious to the tension between us. ‘Did he buck you off?’

‘More importantly, what the hell were you doing on that horse in the first place?’ he growls. ‘You promised me …’

‘I’m sorry,’ I say, close to tears. ‘I can explain.’

‘Don’t bother.’ He pushes past me.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Home to see the dog. I can rely on the Bobster.’

‘Matt! Wait!’ I follow him down the hallway. I grab for his arm, but he shakes me off.

‘I’ve got to get out of here. I need some air.’

‘Bye, Matt,’ Sage calls after him.

Matt hesitates, as if he’s just remembered we’re not alone.

‘Goodbye Sage, and thanks for all the cakes.’

‘So what did happen?’ Sage says, tugging at my sleeve as I watch Matt drive away and the rain fall from a grey sky. It pours from the gargoyles’ mouths and drips down the stonework of the church on what is turning out to be a miserable evening.

‘Matt and I have had a falling-out,’ I say quietly.

Sage slips her hand through mine.

‘He’ll be back,’ she says. ‘He loves you and he’s going to buy us some sprinkles for the fairy cakes.’

I appreciate her conviction, even if it is misplaced, and I realise that this doesn’t affect me in isolation. The children have grown fond of Matt – he’s become a part of their lives as well as mine.

‘Come on, Sage. Make me a cup of tea and I’ll tell you all about how I fell off Dark Star.’ I throw myself down on the sofa in my filthy jodhpurs. On the outside, I’m calm, normal Nicci, as I am when there’s a crisis at work. On the inside, I’m in turmoil as I regale Sage with my horsey tale, embellishing it with gory details before wondering if I’ve gone too far. ‘I hope I haven’t put you off.’

‘Oh no,’ she says.

‘Sage, can you think about having a bath or shower before we eat, please,’ Cheska says, interrupting. ‘Dinner’s in the oven.’

‘Mummy, do I have to?’ she moans.

‘Yes, you do. Give Gabriel a hand to tidy up the toys in the bedroom too.’ She waits, leaning against the doorframe, arms folded until Sage leaves the room, when she takes her place on the sofa.

‘Have you been doing something you shouldn’t?’ she asks. ‘I thought you weren’t allowed to ride for another week.’

‘What’s a week?’ I shrug. ‘What difference will seven days make?’

‘How do I know? I’m not a doctor,’ Cheska says dryly as I bury my face in my hands.

‘I’ve been so bloody stupid.’

‘That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that, you being the perfect sister. Come on.’ She puts her arm around me. ‘Matt will come round.’

‘I don’t think he will,’ I sob. Not this time. Not when I’ve kept on at him about how much I value honesty and trust … ‘I lied to him. I promised I wouldn’t ride again until I got the all-clear.’

‘It’s nothing,’ Cheska says. ‘He’s over-reacting.’

‘He can just about deal with me riding when I’m fit, the schooling and hacking side of it, but he hates me competing.’

‘It’s ridiculous, though, when he works with horses and his clients ride.’

‘He has good reason,’ I say. ‘He lost someone
important to him, a girl he was at vet school with. She came off her horse when she was eventing. The horse hit a fence, took a rotational fall – that’s how he described it – she took the weight of the horse full on …’ My voice trails off.

‘Poor Matt. Was he in love with her?’

‘He loved her but she didn’t feel the same way about him.’

‘And he loves you?’

I nod.

‘And you love him, so you mustn’t let something like this come between you.’ Cheska smiles. ‘Like me and Alan, you two need your heads knocking together.’

‘What’s this about Alan? You haven’t mentioned him for ages.’

‘I’ve been texting him.’

‘You aren’t planning to go back?’

‘We’re settled here now. I’m really grateful that you sat me down for that talk. You were right about my state of mind, Nicci. I’ve registered with Dr Mackie, who’s prescribed some medication and organised some support for me, and Sage is happy at school. I’m not going to uproot the children again, but Alan might come and visit us sometime.’

‘I’m glad.’ I make to stand up, but Cheska pulls me back down.

‘Don’t go after him now. Leave it until tomorrow when you’ve both had time to calm down.’

‘Since when have you become an agony aunt?’

‘I didn’t know I had it in me. Perhaps I can make a
career out of it.’ She pats my knee, reminding me of our mother. ‘Come on. Cheer up.’

‘I need to grab my bag out of the car,’ I say, remembering I’ve left it there. When I leave the house, I notice a pot of sprinkles on the doorstep with a note scribbled on a Post-it advertising horse worming products. I read it through a sudden blur of tears.

‘To Sage and Gabriel. I’m sorry I had to rush off. Hope these will do. Matt.’

I pop it indoors before returning for my bag, when I notice Matt’s car is still parked down the road in exactly the same place. Has he been waiting for me all this time? My heart lifts slightly. Does he want to talk? Is he prepared to forgive me? It was only a minor fall after all, nothing serious.

In spite of the driving rain and the dark, and the sense of foreboding I always feel in the presence of the shadowy headstones lurking behind the railings of the churchyard, I jog along to Matt’s car and bang on the window. He looks up, his face pale beneath the light from the streetlamp.

‘Open up,’ I mouth and he opens the passenger door. I go around the other side and clamber in. We both sit facing the windscreen watching the rain pour down the glass. ‘Thanks for the sprinkles,’ I say eventually.

‘I promised the kids—’ He breaks off and runs his fingers roughly through his hair. ‘I’m sorry, Nicci. You were right about all that honesty stuff being important. It’s essential.’ He grips the steering wheel and turns to face me. ‘I don’t feel I can trust you any more.’

‘Only about the riding,’ I say.

‘It’s the thin end of the wedge,’ he cuts in.

‘Can’t you see, I wouldn’t have felt I had to keep it quiet if you hadn’t gone on about it? I knew you’d be upset and angry with me if you found out, and if I’d told you beforehand that I was going to ride Dark Star you would have tried to persuade me not to.’

‘And quite right too as it turns out. You weren’t ready to get back into the saddle.’

‘I was in the school with Shane. It was a soft landing. For goodness sake, Matt, I wasn’t at full gallop out on a cross-country course.’

‘Why can’t you see it from my perspective? You’re so consumed with the idea of getting Willow to Badminton you can’t see the dangers.’ He pauses. ‘You’re like a horse in blinkers.’

‘This girl,’ I begin. ‘The vet student … it’s eight or nine years since it happened?’ I’m hazarding a guess.

He nods.

‘So why do you still let it get to you?’

Matt leans closer to me and rests one hand lightly on my shoulder.

‘She was like you, Nicci. Clever, fun to be with and a talented horsewoman. And I was in love with her, as I am completely in love with you. Can’t you see? Each and every time you set out on a cross-country round, I’m tortured by the thought you might not come back.’ He bites his lip to control his voice before continuing, ‘I know it sounds over the top and you’ll probably suggest I get some counselling, but I really can’t stand it. The thought of losing you in such a way is too much to bear.’

A single bell tolls – the bell-ringers are practising for a funeral.

‘I can’t take the risk of losing someone again. I’m sorry, Nic—’ he chokes. ‘It’s over.’ He almost pushes me out of the car. ‘Goodbye.’

I stand in the cold and wet, watching him drive away and I feel as if he’s ripped my heart out and taken it with him. The rain seeps through my clothes. I don’t care. I close my eyes and open my arms to its icy assault, but within seconds I hear the clunk of a window-catch and Frances’s voice.

‘Nicci, get yourself indoors and into a hot bath this minute, or you’ll catch your death and they’ll be tolling the bells for you. I’m bringing round the bath salts.’

What can I say? I want to die. Matt has dumped me and I think it might well be final.

Chapter Nineteen

Star Quality

WHEN I ARRIVE
at the yard on my way to work, Delphi has left Willow tied to the ring outside her stable while she’s mucking out. When Willow sees me parking the car she pricks her ears, and as I approach she whickers to greet me. I give her a mint from my pocket, offering it to her in the palm of my outstretched hand, and she takes it very gently, her breath warm against my skin and her whiskers tickling.

‘How is she, Delphi?’

‘She’s well. But it was so cold I had to put an extra layer on her overnight – it might be worth investing in a new fleece. We’ve just had a batch of new arrivals in the shop. There’s a mint-green combo that would suit her down to the ground.’

‘Are you spending my money again?’ I grumble lightly. ‘I can’t afford to keep buying presents for you, Willow, when all you do is stand around.’

She nudges me with her muzzle, asking for another mint.

‘You spoil her,’ Delphi says.

‘I know, but she’s worth it.’ I rub Willow’s ears before moving on to give Dark Star a mint too because he’s looking out of his stable at me with his ears pricked. ‘I’ll drop into the shop later. I’m in the mood for a bit of retail therapy, but in the meantime, I’ve got to get to work.’

‘Think of us freezing our fingers to the bone while you’re sitting in a nice warm surgery.’

‘You’d hate it,’ I smile.

‘I would indeed.’

Later, I sit at my desk at the surgery, reaching past a giant poinsettia Fifi insisted on giving me as a gift from the garden centre, and switch the computer on. I wait for it to load, and for my mind to fill with thoughts of the day ahead, reviewing the patients I’ve asked to see again. There’s Ruby, Frances’s eight-year-old granddaughter, who has eczema and asthma, Ed Pike, who is due back to see me to discuss the results of his latest blood tests, and Mrs Brown who is booked in for one of her regular check-ups.

Try as I might, I can’t get Matt out of my head. I grab a tissue and blow my nose. What am I going to do about him? It sounds pathetic for the strong, independent woman that I am to spend her time inwardly – and outwardly – weeping over an ex-boyfriend, but I really don’t think I can live without him.

I’m beginning to feel I’m being too stubborn, too
intransigent over making a compromise. I gaze up at the photo of me and Willow flying over the cross-country fence. Yes, I will miss eventing if I give it up for good, but I won’t miss it in the same heart-wrenching way that I miss Matt. If he missed the girl who died half as much as I miss him, then I can understand where he’s coming from.

I pick up my mobile and call him, leaving a message on his voicemail and hoping it isn’t too late. I check the time. I’m running behind, which isn’t the best start to a busy morning surgery, but I manage to catch up.

Mr Brown brings his wife in her wheelchair, crashing along the corridor from reception to the consulting room.

‘His driving’s no better,’ Mrs Brown says with a smile.

He looks better though, I think. He’s put on some weight and had his hair cut.

‘How are you both?’ I ask them.

‘The same as ever, Dr Chieveley,’ Mr Brown says.

‘Oh, don’t talk nonsense.’ His wife nudges him. ‘You’ve had a new lease of life since Tina came. She’s the carer. He didn’t want her at first, but now he says he couldn’t live without her.’