Violence Begets... (29 page)

Kevin

I hated shitty-ass parties. Two beer
bongs and I was barely feeling a buzz, but I was getting more and more anxious.
I’d fucking left my flask in the car as well, and was too goddamn lazy to go get
it. I started wandering the rooms, aimlessly looking for the blonde I’d walked in
with. She’d be something to keep my hands busy. I heard cheering from a room towards
the front of the house, and as I approached I could see the animation of a video
game on the TV. I stopped for a second, watching the game, then started to scan
the room for my blonde.

“Hey, sexy,” I heard behind me and spun
to see her gliding towards me. She came into my arms, and I backed up lightly against
the wall, bracing myself in a comfortable position. As I kissed her, I closed my
eyes, imagining a hard body beneath my hands.

Rick

“Hey Jessica, I’m gonna take off.”

“We just got here. What happened to
the game?”

“Not feeling it tonight,” I said, glancing
back over my shoulder at the room I'd just left. “Will you be okay if I head out?
Derek’s here, right?”

“Sure, but do you really have to go?”

“Yeah, I’m tired. I called a cab.”

“Why don’t you take my car?” she asked,
fishing in her pocket for her keys.

“No. No thanks, a cab is good.”

“Really, I don’t mind. I’ll just go
home with Derek.”

I wasn’t sure how I could consider her
my best friend when there was so much she didn’t know about me. There was still
no way in hell I was getting behind the wheel.

“I’m okay.” I said, leaning in and giving
her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Love ya. Tell Derek g’night for me.”

Kevin

I threaded my fingers behind her neck,
guiding the kiss.

“Someone call a cab?” I heard near the
front door.

“Yeah, me,” a voice said.

My heart stopped, my eyes shot open,
and I shoved the girl away from me, searching for the voice. My defenses were down,
which left me completely vulnerable to him. Why the fuck was he here? I caught a
glimpse of his back as he slid out the front door. I slammed past several people,
spilling beer everywhere. I almost called out to him, but I couldn’t get my mouth
to work. I was going to kick his ass. I reached the front yard as he shut the door
of the cab. As it started to pull away, he looked up, and I was fucking sure he
saw me.

Kevin

“Goddamn him,” I swore under my breath.
“What fucking right did he have to crash my party?” I murmured as I paced the patio.
Two smokes later and I hadn’t been able to shake the mood he’d put me in.

“What the fuck you lookin’ at?” I growled
at some guy who’d stumbled out the door. I just needed one reason to let loose on
him. I hoped he’d be stupid enough to give me one.

“Fuck you,” he slurred at me.
Here
we go,
I thought, lunging at him.

He straightened up quickly, tossing
the red plastic cup he was holding. His left hook came out of nowhere, knocking
me on my ass. My cheek hit the deck and slid, splinters tearing into my skin. I
pushed off the ground, barreled my head into his stomach, and was surprised when
he didn’t fall to the ground as I’d expected. I’d severely miscalculated this guy’s
ability. He was obviously a fighter and knew exactly what he was fucking doing,
but what was he going to do that was worse than my father? The splinters in my face
would be proof of another fight. I figured I might as well take the scenic road
to hell.

As my fist connected with his face,
I thrilled at the sound of his nose breaking and the blood that immediately gushed
out. He landed another fist under my jaw and then one right under my left eye. But
the sight of his own blood had him freaked out, and he started to panic, which was
his first mistake. His second mistake was letting me get him on the ground. As I
jumped on top of him, my fists and elbows began to throw blows on his face, causing
blood to run into his eyes.

Somebody tore me off him, and I came
out swinging at the fucker who had gotten in my way. My fist connected several times
before that person crumpled to the ground.

“Jesus Christ,” I spat out as Rick looked
up at me. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Rick

He was out of control. Red drops trickled
from a cut below his eye and his hair began to stick to his forehead in a mixture
of sweat and blood. For months I’d been watching his fuse become shorter and shorter.
I recognized his new bruises for what they were, and they weren't leftovers from
his dad. The dead giveaway had been the cuts on his hands. They were obviously cuts
from fighting, and he didn’t fight back with his dad. As I stared into his hate-filled
eyes, I cringed at myself for coming back to the party, wondering if the person
I had fallen in love with was in the body standing before me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”
he said again, his voice beginning to chill. He took a step towards me, and I couldn’t
help but flinch. Then the guy on the ground behind him moaned. Kevin looked at him
with a bored expression and turned back to me. “Goddamn you!” The words curled out
of his mouth as he glared at me before walking away.

Jessica was suddenly next to me. “What
happened? I thought you left,” she said, looking closely at the blood from the cut
over my eye.

“I forgot…” I managed. I forgot what?
My head? What had I been thinking, stopping him from fighting again? I was prepared
to avoid him, to see him and pretend not to notice him. But when I saw him standing
in the yard, I asked the taxi driver to come back to the party because I forgot
what? My sense of self-preservation? “…my jacket,” I supplied weakly.

Kevin

I left the guys at the party, slamming
the gas pedal. If I wasn’t careful I was going to have to fucking punch out any
person who looked at me. I had to get home, away from people, or I was going to
go all out on someone. As I burst through the front door the lights went on and
my father stood there in the entryway. “You smell like cigarette smoke and alcohol.”
It was the first time I’d ever forgotten to change my clothes before entering the
house when he was home. In that moment, I knew I was fucked. “And I told you, no
more fights.” His irritation was showing, and I instinctively took a step back.
He reached for me and clamped down on my arm with enough pressure that I worried
about a break. “It has been a while since you have seen the inside of the closet,”
he said, yanking me after him.

He threw me into my bedroom wall with
just the right amount of force to knock me right back into his waiting hands, and
his fists repeated the same calculated actions I’d delivered to so many in the last
few months. He wrapped them up in tidy combos that had me flying from one end of
the room to the other. I welcomed the distraction of the pain.

Four days later, he had to leave town.
He hadn’t wanted to end my punishment, but what fun was locking me in a closet if
he couldn’t be around to enjoy it? If he hadn’t been called away, I wondered if
this would’ve been the one that ended it for me. He knew my birthday was just over
a week away, but I hoped I had played the obedient son well enough for him not to
suspect my plans. The second I turned eighteen, he couldn’t send the cops after
me. Until I was safe in San Francisco, I wasn’t about to pretend my life wasn’t
on the line. With him gone, I had a few days to recover and try to get things under
control before dealing with what had happened at the fucking party.

I must have dozed off on the couch because
I startled awake, jumping to my feet. I didn’t know what had awakened me, but I
sure as hell wasn’t going to find out lying down. The last thing I expected to see
was Rick standing across the room.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”
I spat at him, my anger rising quickly. He stepped back at the sound of my voice.
My blood boiled as I wondered if he really thought pretending he was scared would
work with me. It wasn’t hard to let him see the hate in my eyes.

“I
was worried—”

“Bullshit,” I spat, cutting him off.
“Try again motherfucker.”

He flinched. “I was.”

“If you’re going to lie, get the fuck
out.”

“I’m not…” he trailed off, ducking his
head and taking a deep breath. “You’re obviously okay?” he said, forming a question
out of his statement.

“Okay is relative.”

“You’re angry with me.”

“I don’t care enough about you to be
angry.” Another flinch.
Overkill,
I thought. He raised his eyes briefly to
glance at me, then looked away.

“I’ll go.”

“Why the fuck’d you come?”

“I was worr… it doesn’t matter.”

“The fuck it doesn’t.”

“Look at you, you’re out of control.”
His words came out in a rush. “You’ve been in more fights the last two months than
I can keep track of. Just look at your hands. They’re raw from fighting. Do you
think I can’t see that, that I don’t worry?”

“Did you come to finish what you started?”

“What does that even mean?” Rick asked,
and I heard the defensiveness in his voice.

“Playing me for a fool a second time
won’t work.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not a fucking idiot, Rick. You
may have played me once, but it won’t fucking happen again.”

“Played you?”

“I’m not falling for this innocent routine
again. You’re fucking brilliant, way better than I ever gave you credit for, but
I’m not the village idiot.”

“Kevin,
I have no idea…”

“I underestimated you once. Never again.
I know damn well you played your cards so you could walk away, so I’d have no choice
but to let you walk. So fucking what? You hold all the cards and I know you’re going
to play them when the time is right, but if I go down, you’re going with me.”

“Kevin…” he said taking a step towards
me. He must have seen my body tense, ready to rip his fucking head off, because
he stopped. “Listen to yourself. You’re out of your mind.”

“Like I’m going to believe a word you
say.”

“Think about it,” he said calmly. “You’re
smart enough to know that what you're saying doesn’t add up. What would I gain by
getting you to toss me out, by coming here today? Take a look at what my life has
been the last few months. I returned to having no friends but Jessica the last two
weeks of school. I was pretty much locked away in my house with my dad. You know
how much he loves that. I suffered through graduating and the third anniversary
of Jason’s death by myself. Tell me again, what was in it for me?”

“A life away from me.”

“And you think I want that?” he asked,
letting out a sarcastic laugh. “Have you been so wrapped up in that delusional head
of yours that you haven’t even seen what all this has done to me? Look at me, Kevin.
Do I seem happy to you?”

I fought against my desire to fucking
notice him. I didn’t want to see his deep, blue-gray eyes or his short hair cropped
close to his forehead, but I focused my eyes anyway. I noticed the damn smattering
of freckles on his cheeks and the cut above his eye from our fight the other night.

“Goddamnit, Kevin, look at me!” he demanded
harshly. “Really see me.”

Rick never talked to anyone that way,
especially not me. I took a step back. It’d been months since I'd let my gaze linger
on him. As I took in his slumped shoulders, pain threatened my heart. He appeared
so fucking tired, deep shadows under bloodshot eyes. On closer examination, I could
see that his hair was longer than usual. His face was different, and it took me
a second to realize that his cheeks actually seemed sunken in.

 “Do you fucking eat?” I spat out before
I could stop myself. Again, pain stabbed my heart, and I tried to push the feeling
away.

“No, I don’t eat, and I don’t sleep
either. I don’t do much of anything but worry about you spinning out of control.
For someone who used to notice everything, you don’t notice a damn thing anymore.
You’ve been so caught up in fighting with everyone that you haven’t noticed anything
but your own anger.”

At the hurt I felt in his words, I stumbled
backwards and sat heavily on the couch. “I don’t fucking believe you,” I said weakly.

“Don’t believe me then. Believe your
own eyes. Do I look like I got what I wanted?”

“Then why?”

“Why what?”

“Why make me do that to you? Why take
off like you did?”

“I told you. What were you on that night?”

I looked up at him blankly while he
took several steps towards me.

“Can I sit?” he asked cautiously, as
he took a few deep breaths to control his own anger. I didn’t answer, which he took
as a yes.

“Kevin, you made it very clear that
you were out of control with me in your life. I saw firsthand what happened with
your dad when you lost your focus.”

“My father?” My mind raced. What was
he talking about? “But you said you hated me.”

“What? Jesus, that was for show. I had
to make it look real, and I knew you wouldn’t let me walk out that door without
a fight.”

“You hit me. In front of them!”

“Kevin,” he pleaded. “I had to make
it look real. I had to get you to toss me out.”

“But I didn’t want you to leave.” As
my filters began to crumble again I wondered if there was a limit to how pathetic
I could be with him.

“I think you did.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’d been telling me for months how
dangerous I was for you.”

“Yeah but—”

“But nothing,” he cut me off, and my
temper flared.

“Don’t fucking interrupt me.” I said,
glaring over at him, and he kept his mouth shut. “That was not what I fucking wanted.
You backed me into a corner that night. You took all my control and threw it back
at me.”

“But it was to protect you.”

“From what?”

“From your dad,” Rick said with exasperation.

“What the fuck? That doesn’t even make
any sense.” My head began to throb as I tried to put together what he was
saying.

“If I'd stayed in your life, eventually
you’d have lost your focus with him and he’d…” He didn’t finish.

“What? Kill me? You’re fucking kidding
me, right? You think you could stop him from doing that if he wanted to? This was
about him?” The pieces that hadn’t been clear in months started flying together
and forming a picture in my head.

“Well, yeah.”

“So what? You left to what?” I searched
for the words. “Save me?” I couldn’t help the disdain I felt seeping in to my voice.

“Don’t say it like that.”

“I don’t need saving. I’m not some fucking
project.”

“I know, but I’m dangerous.”

“Now who’s talking all crazy? You’re
about the only thing that’s ever made sense in my fucked up world.”

“Stop.”

“Why?”

“Cause I can’t. I won’t be able to…”
he trailed off.

“Rick, you are dangerous to me, but
only because you make me feel. Yeah, that’s tough when it comes to my father. But,
god, these last few months without you. That’s been a whole new kind of hell.”

“Kevin, no.” He started to stand, but
I gripped his wrist and kept him sitting next to me. “I can’t.”