Virtue & Vanity (40 page)

“Sebastian... How can I be sure when you’re alleged affection for me might be a desperate product of denial because you’re hurt by the fact that you’re going to lose Cora? I’m so sorry for that. I never meant to come in the way of your happiness.”

If anything, I expected a confirmation of my words, something that would push me away from him, but what I got was exactly the opposite.

“Isabelle... how can you say that you came in the way of my happiness when you are the only source of joy in my life? I do have feelings for Cora, but not the kind of feelings you think.” His voice was so soft, inviting, and it was so difficult to resist the need to come closer. “You have to understand that Cora and I were raised to believe we would get married. It is only natural that the knowledge of it made us develop a sense of deep care and respect for one another throughout the years... Those things are very different than love.” He gazed at me for a few moments. “I know that now. I won’t deny that I wanted to show her my respect by honoring my word and marrying her despite everything. But that was before I knew you—the real you.” He paused, giving me the time to take in his words. “I’ve always been a man of my word, Isabelle. Always. And I didn’t know what it means to break a promise or fall in love until I met you.”

“Why do you keep talking about love?” The hurt in my voice was apparent.

He got closer to me, step by step, as if I was a frightened dove who would flee the moment he approached her. And when he got really close, I felt the need to move away because his effect on me was undeniable and it shamed me. I knew at that moment that all the people who had hurt me would forever be had locked out of my heart, but Sebastian—he was something else. The devil with the charisma of a Prince Charming had irrevocably managed to work his way in and there was no going back. His fingers gently lifted up my chin and when our eyes met, we gazed at each other for what felt like eternity. We were in an altered reality without pain, evil people who caused the mess in our lives or dark corners which were filled with dangerous memories. It was only me and him. Nobody and nothing else. Only us, stripped of any burden, leaving the pressure on our backs as light as a feather. He leaned closer and I gulped, forgetting about the danger in disguise and seeing only him,
nothing else.

“The reason I’m talking about love is this.” His lips barely grazed mine before moving away and I was left trembling, with the feeling of burning lava rushing through my veins. “You can’t deny this, Isabelle. You can try, but the way you react to me will always give you away and I will know that you feel the same.”

His hot whisper burned me and I closed my eyes, feeling hypnotized and yearning to hear those words. Nothing made sense anymore and I didn’t care. I just wanted the words. The three words and then it would end. When he parted his lips I knew they were coming and I braced myself to hear them, shivering in anticipation.

“The reason I talk about love is because my feelings for you are real and they can’t be described as anything else.” He took a deep breath and I knew he was gazing at my face. “Isabelle... My sweet Isabelle,” he whispered tenderly and I tried to focus on his soft voice, but those words opened the door that invited the threatening discoveries, encouraging them to find their way in again and destroy my newfound oasis of peace.
Hurry up, Sebastian. Hurry up before it’s too late.
“The reason why I talk about love is because I love—”

“No!” I opened my eyes in a fit of despair and stuttered the word as the reality barged in like a burglar that came to steal my piece of heaven. Sebastian was left staring at me with that last, third word hanging in the air. After a moment he gulped like he would say it again.

“Sebastian, please.” The voice of reason was pleading him silently, but my eyes, I was sure, were sending a completely different message. I swallowed. “Not right now. Not like this.”

As silence reigned everywhere around us, we fell out of the altered reality that kept us protected and the discovery that it wasn’t just us anymore, made the air that was so sweet only moments ago polluted. Right then I knew I wouldn’t be able to escape, and though I was left with no other option than to find a way to deal with the truth that had been uncovered to me, I was sure of one thing. I would be fine. Not the same as before, never the same as before, but fine. 

Chapter Forty-Two

That afternoon, when an explosion occurred after days of lingering silence, I was in the patio, reading another book to pass time, to keep my mind off of the things I wasn’t ready to deal with. But as the story line of
Jane Eyre
progressed, so did the level of my growing impatience, because the life of the heroine had only managed to remind me of the harsh reality I so desperately wanted to get away from. Sebastian was right—living with the truth wasn’t an easy task. Still, there was something liberating about it. For the first time in ages, I felt alleviation even though it was the one of a disturbed kind, leaving me hollow and emotionless.

Sebastian selflessly gave me all the space and time I had asked him for, but it didn’t make it any easier. The fact that I had locked him out filled my otherwise empty state of mind with guilt and regret because deep down, I knew we had shared the same path of hell that led us into this marriage and while I didn’t understand myself at all, somehow I understood him. While I couldn’t feel for myself, I felt for him. Strangely, despite the fact that I expected him to keep distance, I needed him. I wanted to reach out to him, but the very thought that there was something about that man that consumed all of me and left me defenseless, had only managed to deepen my vulnerability so I forced myself to block it out, just like everything else.

Since my choice of reading didn’t manage to distract me from my gloomy thoughts, my eyes darted towards the corner decorated with white orchids. When looking at their white petals more closely, I noticed they were dying away even though the simplicity of saving their life only consisted of giving them a bit of water. Sighing, I placed the book on the glass table, relieved to get a break from the emotional scene that only added to the distraught state I found myself trapped in.

As I was returning to the patio after getting some water for the flowers, I saw Annette. I had been avoiding her with success—until now. Startled, I stood dead in my tracks as I noticed her standing at the opposite end of the hallway, unmoving and as calm as a statue, giving me a feeling that she observed me vigilantly, almost like it was her task not to take her eyes off me. Chills spread down my spine and I started walking away from her in a quick and unsteady pace.

When I stepped inside the patio, I had to catch a breath and just as always, I brushed away the thoughts that tempted me to dig deeper into the reasons that might have caused Annette to act strange at times. But my newfound peace wasn’t meant to be, because while I was halfway done with watering the almost passing orchids, I heard steps and when the noise subsided, I knew somebody was in the room with me, so I turned around, sensing I would meet an unwelcome face and I saw Annette, standing in front of me. Her posture was relaxed and she wore a light smile on her face. The fact that her behavior from moments ago had completely altered creeped me out and I was sure that I stared back at her with weariness written all over my face. The proof that my reaction made her nervous was visible as her face turned serious, but it only lasted for the shortest second because she instantly regained her composure.

“Are you all right?” I initiated the conversation, without returning her smiles as usual.

My crude behavior had to have taken her off guard because she swallowed and forced a weak smile before answering. “I’m fine... I just… I saw you carrying the water and I realized I had forgotten all about the flowers so I thought I could make up for my mistake. How embarrassing...” She reached for the water in my hands but I pulled it away and smiled at her, relaxing after hearing her explanation.

“Don’t worry about it. It can happen to everybody,” I said in a soothing voice. “Besides, I really like to do it. As a matter of fact, why don’t you leave it to me from now on?” I happily suggested and she seemed to like the idea.

For a moment, she gazed at the flowers and then returned her stare to me. “Orchids are so lovely. I’ve always liked them.” She smiled. “Maybe it’s because they represent love… and beauty,” she said in a longing tone and I looked away for a moment, remembering Sebastian’s unfinished declaration of love.

It seemed I couldn’t bear to hear the sound of that word, no matter in which context it was spoken because all those feelings that I just wanted to erase would reappear, torturing me with their irresistible allure which was opposed to all the dark, filthy memories that were still too strong to be overpowered by that emotion Sebastian talked about.

“Isabelle...” Annette called me and I looked at her expectantly, with a worn out expression on my face. “You seem to be distraught by something. You’ve been so distant lately. What’s bothering you?” She inquired in a persistent tone.

I shrugged and brushed it off. “It’s nothing. There’s just a lot on my mind.”

A strange awareness seemed to shape her features and she touched my shoulder in a compassionate manner, but I couldn’t escape the feeling that something was off. The fact that it was getting harder to fight the instinct that told me Annette wasn’t really my friend drove me crazy.

“Maybe you should talk to someone about it,” she offered. “You can always confide in me and I will try to give you the best advice I can.” Her gaze that was directed straight at my eyes and it felt almost disarming, but since I wouldn’t let it get to me, she continued speaking in a persuasive tone. “That’s what friends are for. You know I only want what’s best for you,” she said in a gentle voice and I stiffened at those words as the ice around my heart produced a very loud, painful crack.

There was only one person who always justified her actions by stating they were a sacrifice she had made for my own good because she only wanted the best for me. There was only one person who knew me so well that she could manipulate me into doing her bidding every single time. Noting the rising tension caused by her hardy well-chosen words, Annette started looking around the room nervously, as if she was aware of the doubts that were forming in my mind and when her eyes landed on the glass table she sighed with apparent relief, picking up the book I had given up on mere minutes ago.

Her palm ran along the rough cover of the book and she looked like she was impressed by the work of art in her hands. The only thing that gave her away was the fact that she was trying too hard to show her enthusiasm and I stared at her in disbelief, wondering why on earth an English literature student would show such excitement when seeing those books must have been a normal, daily occurrence for them. In a fit of unnerving suspicion, I had decided to perform a little experiment and I wondered what her reaction would be.

“Oh, I love this book so much. It’s one of my favorites,” she said in an excited voice and I even smiled at her, trying to get her to believe that her words from moments ago had vanished from my mind.

“That’s nice to hear,” I said and then asked the question I’d been meaning to ask, all the while willing my all but accusing voice to come out in a careless tone. “What’s your favorite part?”

I didn’t know what I was trying to achieve or where I was going with this irrelevant chat, but I was merely following an overpowering feeling caused by my burning intuition that warned me I should be wary of this girl who seemed to be nothing but harmless and innocent. Somehow, I still hoped to be wrong about her and I wanted to assign those troubling doubts to my disoriented state of mind. But when she remained silent, smiling anxiously without offering a reply to my question, an interesting fact represented itself on the table and as I realized that she praised the book she hadn’t even read for the mere reason to come closer to me, another piece of the frozen ice broke off, causing the momentary loss of air in my lungs.
Who was this girl and what did she want from me?
I already knew the answer to my question, but I decided to ignore it for just a little while longer.

“Jane Eyre is so great that it’s just difficult to make up your mind, I guess.” I trained my voice to stay calm and continued smiling, observing her relaxing a little while hiding my true state of mind.

Again, I was about to do something that didn’t make any sense, but I just felt like I was walking a path that would lead me to a certain discovery, so I did it anyway.

“You know, I enjoyed reading how Jane was treated with so much care when she was staying with the Reeds.” I made up a complete lie, twisting the plot of the book and wondering once again about the purpose of this strange game I suddenly felt the need to complete. “For some reason it makes me feel at ease, because I really missed all those things during my own childhood,” I continued in a sad tone and Annette’s face turned serious, some troubling realization surging through her, leaving her paralyzed for a few moments.

Then, she smiled again, looking at me warmly. “You’re right. It is difficult to decide which part of this amazing book is the best, but you know what’s really weird? My childhood wasn’t the happiest either and if I would have to choose, I’d say that was my favorite part of the book as well...” Her voice faded away as she pretended to be lost in thought.

“That’s weird, indeed…” I said softly, swallowing the rest of the sentence I yearned to say.
…Because it never happened, dear Annette.

I gave her a vague look, silently communicating with the probably accusing glare in my eyes.
The Reeds were terrible to Jane, but you wouldn’t know that, would you? How could you possibly know what you’re talking about since you haven’t even read the book? That’s the key to your secret, isn’t it? You’re not an English literature student at all...
As the discovery surged through me and the cold ice exploded into pieces, releasing all of the suppressed emotions to the surface all at once.
Who are you, Annette?

Suddenly, I felt what I should have felt all along; the immense anger that boiled in my very core because of the injustice that had been done to me. Right then, as the final realization of the role the girl in front of me held in this scam that was forced upon me; I knew that the day when I would face my tormentor had come. But there was no fear, not even a trace of it, because I wasn’t scared, I was furious. Nevertheless, I knew I had to keep my anger at bay for a while longer so I forced a slight laughter even though I was disgusted by what I was about to say.

“It’s interesting that we have so many things in common. Incredible, actually,” I said quietly, accentuating my obvious confusion. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say that we were twins because you seem to be an exact copy of me.” I stared at her with a puzzled expression, but I kept the smile on my face.

Annette, however, wasn’t smiling anymore. Her cheeks blushed, revealing her obvious distress and it had only strengthened my resolve. “I... I agree. It’s really interesting and I’m so happy that I got to kn-know you.” Her voice caught on by the end of her sentence and she looked at me with the eyes of a criminal who had been caught in the middle of a burglary. She didn’t have to say a single word since I could read her expression perfectly and I knew what she would say before she’d even said it. “I-I’m sorry.” She took a step back from me. “I’d like to stay but I have a lot of work to do now.” She was dying to leave the room with such eagerness that she turned and started walking out the moment I smiled and nodded, giving her the impression that she was off the hook.

“Antoinette...” Just as she was about to walk out to door, I called her name—the one that would make her realize that whatever game she was playing was about to come to an end—in a firm, yet composed voice and she stopped, just standing there with her back still turned to me as if she was frozen and unable to move. “Please, greet her for me,” I said, adding a final punch to this already defeated intruder.

When she heard me, her shoulders dropped in defeat and she sighed, taken aback by what had just happened. Slowly, she turned to face me and her entire body screamed that she was filled with panic. Her lips were trembling, but the slightly defiant glare in her eyes told me she still wasn’t ready to give up her act.

“What... What are you talking about, Isabelle?” It was apparent that she tried to sound like she was surprised, but the traces of fear that ruled her voice gave her away. “W-Who do you want me to greet?”

“I think you know very well who I’m talking about.” Ignoring her meek display of confusion, I decided to continue with my inquiry for answers instead of letting her go like she probably expected me to. “I just wonder how she got you to do it. What did she promise you? Her filthy money?”

Annette swallowed and looked at me in shock. Her skin was as pale as a ghost.

“Isabelle I don’t...”

“You don’t know who you’re dealing with,” I interrupted her in a quiet voice and as the last piece of the ice broke off, setting me free, I gained strength to confront people who had so easily decided they have the right to play with my life. “She’s a serpent, you know....” I sighed, correcting myself. “You all are. But don’t worry. From now on, things are going to change around here because I’m done letting her walk all over me and play with my life like it’s of no consequence to her.” There was a moment of silence before I uttered my final warning. “It’s time to give up, Antoinette… or whatever your name is.”

Such disturbing stress settled in her features, that she observed me with her wide eyes which seemed to be filled with hysteria. “Isabelle, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to cause you trouble. P-Please, let me explain.”

“Explain what?” I stared at her in disbelief. “How you used my kind-hearted nature against me by pretending to be my friend while plotting your way into my life together with my mother?” There was a clear expression of disgust radiating from my eyes. “I’ll ask you one last time. How and why did she get you to do this?”