Vision of Love (16 page)

Another month before I have to go back to Chapel Hill for graduation. I really don’t want to go back. I don’t want to break down when I step on campus and realize Neil isn’t going to be there. I’m not sure if I’m ready yet or if I’ll ever be.

While Emma’s at preschool Alexis and I are meeting Patricia to look for my graduation dress. Alexis talks about Larry and how happy they are. It’s great seeing my best friend happy and in love. She asks about Nicholas and I and all I can do is smile and feel my stomach flutter. This is what he does to me. Life is better with Nicholas in my life as my boyfriend; the love of my life.

When Alexis and I get to the boutique, Patricia comes out and gives us both a hug. “Girls! How are you?”

“Hi Mom.” We both say giving her a hug.

“Karly honey how are you and Nicholas doing?”

I blush turning away, “We’re really good. He’s special and we love each other.” Patricia’s eyes light up. I love that the Hayes welcomed me with open arms. It’s nice to have a family again and people who love me.

Alexis loops her arm through mine, “Yeah mom they do the dirty dirty and pretty soon you’ll have another grandchild. Do you approve of her being your new daughter in law?”

Kill me. Please just kill me right now I beg of you.

“Alexis Marie Hayes!” Patricia’s face turns bright red but when she looks at me, she smiles and doesn’t say anything.

“She’s kidding!”
Why am I freaking out about this?

We laugh and look around the store for a dress. A part of me is sad and wishes my mom were here with me. There are moments that I wish we could have spent together. I hope she’s proud of me and everything I’ve accomplished. I happen to look over and see a mom and daughter hugging at that moment and the mom telling her daughter how proud she is of her. A tear rolls down my cheek and I look away.

Patricia notices my sadness and gives me a hug. “I’m so proud of you Karly. I know it’s hard, but I really do consider you part of this family. Dan and I want you to know that, okay?”

I nod, sniffling and feeling better.

After about an hour, Alexis finds the
perfect
dress. It’s a strapless, baby pink dress that goes a little past my knees. The jewel sequins on the front are so pretty and when I try it on, it fits perfectly. I come out of the dressing room, smiling and spinning in a circle. This is the first time in a while that I feel pretty.

“Oh my God! Girl, you look hot! This is the dress!”

“Patricia, what do you think?” She looks at me, covers her mouth and nods her head. “Perfect, Karly.”

I change back into my clothes and I walk out to the register but by the time I get there, Patricia is signing a receipt.

“Patricia?”

She turns her head toward me. “It’s okay, honey. I want to do this for you. Consider this your graduation gift.” I look at the price tag and my mouth drops. She just paid for my eight hundred dollar dress. “Stop it, Karly. It’s okay.”

“Alright,” I mutter, even though I hate it.

“Mom, can we go shopping? There are a few things I want you to buy me! You know, for my teaching job.” Alexis and I both laugh as the cashier puts my dress in a bag.

“Alright, come on girls.”

Emma’s quiet on the ride home. I look in the rearview mirror and she’s looking out the window with a sad expression. “What’s wrong honey?”

She looks at me, thinking about what she wants to say. “We’re having a mommy day at school tomorrow and my mommy isn’t here. Should I ask daddy?”

“Yeah honey if you want to go ahead.”

“Or can I ask you? I want you to be my mommy.”

My heart sinks. What’d she just say? I look in the mirror and see her looking back at me. Quickly I change the topic, “Emma what do you want for lunch today?”

“Nothing. I’m not really hungry.”

“Okay honey.” Shit this isn’t good.

When we get home Emma heads upstairs to her room. Lying on the couch I feel the tears. I’m a horrible person, but how do I answer her? We’ve only been together for three months and she wants to call me mommy? Is that okay? Shit I really need Nicholas to come home.

Me: Babe please come straight home tonight…Everything’s fine…Just need to talk…

He doesn’t respond. I check the time and see it’s a little past three. He’s probably in one of his meetings right now. I send a text to Alexis asking her to come over. I walk into the kitchen and pour a glass of wine. Instead of taking slow sips I chug the whole glass down. Why is this hard?

Alexis comes in a few minutes later. I’m on my third glass of wine. “Put down the wine and slowly walk away,” she laughs putting down her purse. “What’s going on?”

“Emma asked to call me mommy.” I take a sip of wine again, “And I ignored her question. She’s upstairs in her room now.”

Alexis grabs a glass and pours herself a glass too. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Me either.” I open the sliding glass door and walk outside on the deck. The peacefulness of the afternoon sky helps clear my mind. I’d love for Emma to call me mommy but is it right? Jamie’s her mom not me. Leaning my head back I let out a groan.

“Come and sit down. Let’s talk.”

Alexis and I spend the next hour talking. Well her talking and me listening. She makes good points and tells me that I’ve been more of a mother to Emma than Jamie, but it still doesn’t seem right to answer without talking to Nicholas. That’s
his
daughter. I love Emma as if she’s my own, yet the shaky feeling of Jamie coming back floods my mind. I know I shouldn’t have anything to worry about; it’s hard not to worry though. Jamie has a piece of Nicholas and Emma that I’ll never have.

When Alexis leaves, Emma makes her way down to the kitchen. “Hey pretty girl you wanna help me with dinner?”

“Sure,” she shrugs her shoulders.

“What do you think we should make? Pasta with sausage like daddy loves
or
chicken with mashed potatoes and veggies?”

Emma taps the side of her head, thinking. “Let’s do the chicken!”

“Alright sounds good. Why don’t you grab a bag of veggies from the freezer and then we’ll start peeling the potatoes.”

“Okay!” Emma runs to the freezer grabbing two bags of mixed veggies and to the pantry to get the bag of potatoes. I quickly marinate the chicken, place it on a baking sheet and slide the sheet in the oven.

I put my iPhone in the iHome and play my country play list. Emma and I start singing and dancing while peeling the potatoes. This is the Emma I love and miss. I’m ready to tell her that I’m okay that she wants to call me mommy when Nicholas walks in.

Emma runs to him as he lifts her in his arms. He makes it over to me and kisses my lips.
Oh his kisses! I’ll never grow tired.

“Emma can you give me and Karly a few minutes to talk?”

“Okay daddy.” She runs out of the kitchen and it’s just me and Nicholas. The room somehow gets smaller.

“Come here,” he opens his arms for me and I willingly go to my favorite place. “Sit down at the table.” Nicholas pulls out his laptop and opens Skype.
What’s he doing?
I stay quiet until Jamie’s face pops up on the screen. Wow she’s really pretty. Oh yeah I feel better now that my
boyfriend
is Skyping his baby mama with me in the room.

“Hi Karly!” She waves, “I thought it’d be good for us to meet. Well, kinda,” she laughs.

“Hi Jamie. Yeah it’s good for us to meet. How’s Italy?”

“Good! So Nicky here tells me some of your concerns.” I turn and narrow my eyes at him.
Little shit!
“Karly, it’s okay. I want the best for Emma and right now I can’t be there for her. She has you and from what Nicky tells me she adores you.” Jamie wipes a tear from her face and I do the same. “Love them and let them in. Nicky and Emma talk about you all the time. I’m happy that they found you. You’re their rock and I’m lucky that someone as great as you is with them.”

Wow I don’t know what to say. I dry my tears and can’t help but really love this girl.
“Thanks Jamie that means a lot.”

“Thanks for talking with me Karly. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” I nod. “Nicky can you bring me up to Emma?”

“Yeah,” Nicholas leans in to kiss my forehead. “I’ll be back.” I nod again. I finish making dinner and wait for Nicholas and Emma to come back downstairs. I admit I feel better after talking to Jamie and I guess getting her blessing. A part of me wishes that Nicholas talked to me first but I push that aside. He did what he thought was right and that’s okay with me.

The table is set for dinner and soon they’re both down in the kitchen getting settled at the table.

“Thanks for making dinner…Mommy.” My heart drops. I know it was coming but actually hearing it coming from her little mouth. Emotions take over my body and I will myself not to cry.

“You’re welcome Princess.” I kiss her cheek and we enjoy dinner together…As a family.

After dinner Emma and I relax outside on the deck. It’s still nice out so Emma changes into her bathing suit and jumps in.

“Come on Mommy
!”

Shit. The pool. Water.
I close my eyes and slowly count to ten. There’s no way I can get in and swim with Emma. I have to make up an excuse. “Princess go on and I’ll watch you!”

“Okay!” Emma jumps in as I sit down in the chair watching her.

“Watch me!” Emma yells before jumping in the pool, making a small splash.

“Awesome sweetie! Keep going.” I get up from my chair, pull out my cell phone and take pictures of Emma swimming.

I walk closer to the pool when suddenly I slip and fall, “Ahhhhh!”

My body hits the water. My body falls under. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. My mind goes back to the day with my dad.

He pulled me by my hair outside to the pool. “You’re gonna fucking learn your damn lesson!”

I took his car without asking and went out with my friends. I thought it’d be okay! I closed my eyes and tried to think of something happy, but his grip got tighter. My feet scraped across the ground. I couldn’t scream. He hated when I did that.

He pushed me in the pool and kept my head under. My arms wailed in the air as I tried gasping for air. “Have you fucking learned?”

“Dad! Stop!” He pushed my head down again. I swallowed a mouthful of pool water. Shit he’s going to fucking kill me! I clawed at his hand but it made only him angrier. When he lifted my head from the water he looked at me. I saw the redness in his eyes. I knew he was on drugs.

Using his free hand he punched me in the nose and brought me back down in the water. I heard his manic laughing.

Arms are around me, pulling me up. I can’t open my eyes. I feel Nicholas’ eyes on me, begging me to wake up but I can’t.

“Karly! Baby wake up!” His strong arms are around me. I hear someone frantically asking if I’m okay. She’s yelling for me to wake up and to open my eyes. I try but I can’t. I feel his hand stroking my face telling me to wake up.

“Nicholas,” I softly murmur. My body gets rigid and I’m wet. “Oh my God,” I cry out. All the memories of my dad abusing me, nearly drowning me in the pool, come back. I grab his shirt and cry in his arms. He rocks me back and forth, kissing my head.

“It’ll be okay.”

Nicholas carries me inside the house and up to our room. I try and shake off images of my dad and his voice, but I can’t. Slowly I’m falling apart again and I feel myself slipping into a dark hole.

“Try and sleep,” Nicholas whispers, stroking my arm. “I’m gonna make you a cup of tea so I’ll be back okay?” I nod.

“Mommy can I lay down with you?”

“Of course sweetie. Come here.” Emma crawls into bed with me wrapping her little arms around my neck.

“I love you,” she mutters touching my face with a smile on her face.

“I love you too.”

“You’ll never be happy.”

The
memories flood my mind. I can’t shake it off. His face blinds my vision and chokes the life out of me. “Stop! Stop! Stop!” I cry out wanting him out of my head. I’ve been doing so well and now I can’t shake him off like I used to.

Nicholas runs in the room and brings me in
to his arms. I cry out in pain and agony. I yell for him to take away the memories of my dad. He strokes my hair and whispers everything will be okay. I’m not sure if I can believe him. How will everything be okay?

Afte
r a few hours we fall asleep, but my mind is still awake. Emma’s in my arms while Nicholas is holding the both of us. I brush her hair with my fingers and watch her little chest rise and fall. I hate that I scared them today and the memories of my past came crashing back. I slowly will myself to fall asleep, but my phone vibrates on the nightstand. I don’t want to answer it but it’s been going off nonstop.

Alexis: R U OK?

Alexis: Text me back k?

Alexis: Karly? Babe?

I read her text messages and decide to text her back.

Me: I’m okay...Just had a bad experience in the pool...