Voice of the Heart (26 page)

‘Cheers.’ Francesca attempted a smile without much success and picked up her glass.

Katharine looked at her closely, wondering how to cheer her up. She was about to say something suitably encouraging when the
maître d’hôtel
hurried over, apologized for interrupting and handed Katharine a note. She thanked him, gave Francesca a puzzled smile and opened it. She saw at once that it was from Estelle. It was brief and to the point. Quickly she read: ‘
I have some important info, about that magazine and V.M. During lunch go to the ladies room and I’ll follow you to give you the dope. E.
’

Alarm stabbed at Katharine but she repressed it, screwed the note into a ball and pushed it into the pocket of her skirt. She explained, with a dismissive laugh, ‘Estelle wants me to arrange an interview with Victor. She would like to write a feature about him for one of the American magazines she represents here.’

‘Oh, I see,’ Francesca murmured with the most obvious lack of interest.

Katharine was quiet for a few minutes, a stillness settling over her. She sipped her drink thoughtfully, her mind focused on Victor. All at once she pigeon-holed her worry about him, deciding she must concentrate on Francesca for the moment. She said in a voice full of understanding, ‘I know you’re disturbed about the book, Francesca. Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I’m not sure,’ Francesca replied, uncertainty apparent in her tone and manner. But in point of fact, Francesca did feel like unburdening herself. Kim’s derogatory remark about the book not selling, whilst jocular in intent, had unfortunately had an adverse effect on her, one which had intensified rather than diminished since Saturday. She was filled with grave doubts about its ultimate success, and, in all truth, she had
not only become intimidated by the massive job ahead of her, but unsure of her ability to write the biography. These factors, plus her increasing worry about earning money to help out at home, had combined to dampen her original enthusiasm. She had thought of talking to her father about her work, but he was far too preoccupied at the moment, and she knew none of her girl friends would be interested. The majority of them whiled away the days doing nothing, or worked in inconsequential jobs, marking time until they found the right young man to marry. What she needed was an intelligent person who would listen with a sympathetic ear. And Katharine seemed the most appropriate candidate. Apart from the fact that she seemed genuinely interested, and caring, she was also a creative artist and had a proper career. Katharine would therefore comprehend her predicament and her feelings far better than anyone else.

Taking a deep breath, Francesca now found herself confiding, ‘To tell you the truth, Katharine, I was thinking of abandoning the book this morning. I really am disheartened, and for two pins I
would
chuck it in.’

‘But you can’t do that!’ Katharine cried with unusual sharpness. She stared at Francesca aghast, and then she leaned forward and adopted her most solicitous manner and convincing tone. ‘Look, you mustn’t lose heart. You’ve got to keep going, you really do.’

Francesca shook her head, the miserable expression intensifying on her young face. ‘I don’t even know if it will ever get published. What if I can’t sell it? Then I’ll have wasted my time. Years probably.’

‘I know you’ll sell it!’ Katharine pronounced airily and asserted with great certainty, ‘I bet there’ll be dozens of publishers beating your door down. Fighting to get the book.’

‘I doubt that,’ Francesca laughed, but there was no humour in the laughter. ‘Actually, I think I’m deluding myself in believing I can have a career as a writer. It would be much more practical if I got myself a job in a shop, selling undies or
something. At least I’d be earning some money and helping out at home.’

This remark so startled Katharine, she gaped at her. She was about to ask Francesca what she meant, but she checked herself and said, ‘Kim told me you have a natural talent for writing, and—’

‘He’s just being loyal,’ Francesca retorted.

Katharine squeezed Francesca’s arm, wanting to both reassure and comfort her. ‘I’ll concede that, up to a point. Still, he’s no fool, and I value his opinion. He also told me that you’d sold several magazine articles, so that must prove something to you.’ When Francesca did not answer, she added spiritedly, ‘Well, it does to
me
. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a professional writer.’

‘Not really, Katharine,’ Francesca murmured in a negative voice. ‘Magazine articles don’t mean that much, and anyway a book is an entirely different kettle of fish, especially an historical biography of this nature. I know it’s going to take me years, and I’m not sure it’s worth all the time and effort I’ll have to put into it.’ Her frustration rose to the surface, and she finished, ‘I’m awfully down in the mouth about it today, and perhaps I shouldn’t be boring you with it, after all. It’s not very fair, dumping my depression on you.’

‘Don’t be silly, I want to help,’ Katharine said. ‘I think we should discuss it a bit more, and then perhaps we’ll get to the root of the problem. Come on, Francesca, try and tell me.’

Francesca forced a smile onto her face, and she laughed thinly. ‘That’s just it, I don’t know what I feel. Ambivalent, I suppose, about the book’s chance of getting published and of it being a success if it ever does. And uncertain of myself, my capabilities as a writer… ‘She faltered, seemed on the verge of tears.

Katharine identified with Francesca’s problems and empathized. There was a brief silence, and then she hazarded slowly, ‘I think I know what’s wrong with you.’ She waited a moment before continuing, and her tone was gentle as she added,
‘You’re suddenly afraid. You’ve lost your nerve. But you mustn’t lose it, Francesca. I
know
you can write the book. I also feel sure it will be a great success. A smash hit. I’m not sure how I know, but I do. Truly.’ Katharine cleared her throat, and volunteered, ‘Don’t think I don’t understand what you’re going through, because I’ve been exactly where you are at different times. Unsure of myself in a role, worried I might fail, even crippled by stage fright. I suppose it’s a kind of self-doubt, but if you keep going it passes, truly it does.’

Katharine saw that the other girl was plunged into despair. Francesca’s golden-amber eyes had darkened, she bit her lip nervously, and fiddled with the stem of the glass, her face slightly averted. After a few seconds Katharine decided to take another approach. ‘You know, Francesca, I think it’s important for us all to try and master something we’re afraid of, for that great sense of accomplishment we feel when we’ve actually done it. Of course, it takes a lot of strength and determination. And courage. But it’s worth it in the end. You mustn’t give up now, Francesca darling.’ Being single-minded of purpose, dedicated, disciplined and ambitious, Katharine was always a little puzzled when she sensed these essential drives were missing in others. Now she wanted to fire Francesca on, to imbue in her that same intense desire to succeed which had so motivated her own career as an actress. To Katharine, personal gratification, as well as fame and money, was the spur that goaded her on.

She scrutinized Francesca and exclaimed with enormous conviction, ‘You must pursue your dreams, because without our dreams we have nothing. And then life isn’t worth living.’

Francesca, who had been listening closely, shook her head dismally. ‘I know what you’re trying to say, Katharine, but perhaps I just don’t believe in myself enough.’ Her mouth tightened. ‘And it’s a bit arrogant, isn’t it, thinking I can tackle an historical biography of this magnitude, and get it published to boot?’

‘No, it isn’t!’ Katharine declared. ‘You have talent and you’re very intelligent, and hard working and—’ She left her sentence dangling in mid-air and broke into laughter. ‘I suppose a lot of people thought I was arrogant, believing I could get the part of Helen in
Trojan Interlude
. But whatever they thought, and even said to me, I ignored them. And I did get it.’ Her manner became more persuasive than ever. ‘Listen to me, Francesca! If you abandon this project now you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You’ll never have the nerve or the self-confidence to attempt another book. And you’ll be wasting your talent, just throwing it down the drain, and that would be a terrible crime. You’ll end up feeling bitter about the “might-have-beens” and all you’ve missed. And think of the research you’ve already done. All those months will have been wasted too.’

‘Yes, I suppose you’re right,’ Francesca agreed. She was surprised at the extent of Katharine’s concern, her supportiveness and her genuine desire to be helpful. She was also grateful, and she admitted finally, ‘And I believe you hit the nail on the head. I think I
have
lost my nerve. And the immensity of the work I still have to do frightens me. I keep thinking I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.’

‘And you mustn’t be negative.’ Katharine’s smile was consoling. ‘You know, you’re probably just a bit tired and out-faced by it all. I think you ought to step away from the book, and take a few days off. Spend your time doing something totally removed from the biography. You’ll feel refreshed and raring to go again after a rest.’ Another thought occurred to Katharine. She said quickly, ‘Look, is there anything I can do to help you? Maybe some research. I’d be glad to, honestly I would, if it would make things easier.’

Francesca straightened up on the bar stool and stared at Katharine. She was temporarily at a loss. Unexpectedly, her father’s concern, which he had voiced earlier that morning, popped into her mind. But he had no reason to worry. She
was convinced of that now. Katharine was everything she appeared to be, and so much more besides. She was sweet and loving and so unselfish. All the troubling thoughts Francesca herself had had were immediately dispelled, and she was tremendously relieved she had not asked Katharine those leading questions about her life in Chicago, as she had planned to do. Questions she had even rehearsed on the bus on the way from the British Museum. How rude and suspicious and unkind I would have seemed, Francesca thought to herself. Out loud she said, ‘That’s so sweet of you, Katharine. But I’m afraid I’m the only one who can do the research, because I’m the only one who knows what I’m looking for.’ The laughter flickering on her mouth was real as she said, as an afterthought, ‘At least I
think
I know. Thank you, anyway, for offering. It was a super gesture.’

‘Just give me a yell, if you do need some help,’ Katharine responded with a jaunty grin. ‘Promise me you won’t abandon the book, and that if you do get down in the dumps again you’ll talk to me about it.
Promise!
’

‘I promise.’

‘I’ll hold you to that. Now perhaps we’d better go in for lunch.’

After they were comfortably seated, Katharine gave the menu a cursory glance, and asked, ‘What would you like?’

‘I don’t really know,’ Francesca answered, her eyes scanning the list of delicious dishes. She was horrified at the prices, and decided to take her cue from Katharine. ‘What are you having?’

‘I’ll most probably have the grilled Dover sole and a green salad.’

Francesca nodded. ‘I think I’ll have that too. It sounds good.’

‘Would you like some wine?’

‘Gosh no! It makes me sleepy during the day.’

Katharine laughed her spiralling girlish laugh. ‘Me too. I’d better refrain as well, otherwise my performance might be
off tonight.’ The waiter came to their table and Katharine ordered, and then she turned to Francesca and said, ‘Will you excuse me for a minute, I’ve got to go to the powder room.’

‘Of course.’

Katharine pushed back her chair, stood up and floated through the restaurant, her eyes focused on the arched doorway ahead, quite oblivious of the admiring glances and heads that turned as she weaved through the maze of tables. When she reached the powder room she took a lipstick out of her bag and redid her mouth. She had only been there a few seconds, standing in front of the mirror, when the door burst open and Estelle flew in, looking as if she could hardly contain herself.

Katharine swung around to face her, but before she could open her mouth, Estelle cried excitedly, ‘Katharine, guess what! I’ve stumbled on something terribly important. Pay dirt. The man I’m lunching with told me there is definitely a writer in London who is filing material back to
Confidential
.’

‘My God!’ Katharine stared at Estelle. ‘Is he sure?’

‘Yes, he’s pretty certain.’

‘How does he know?’

‘Peter, that’s the guy I’m with, runs the London office of a top Hollywood publicity company, who handle a number of big stars and some of the top movies. His Los Angeles office alerted him about the
Confidential
reporter. Right now some of his company’s biggest clients are filming here in London, or in Europe, and Peter’s been told to warn them to watch their step, and keep their feet dry.’ Estelle giggled and rolled her eyes upwards, then proceeded, ‘He’s also been instructed to scrupulously check out every freelance journalist who requests an interview, just to be sure they’re really accredited to the publications they claim they represent.’

‘Are you trying to say he doesn’t actually
know
who the reporter is from
Confidential
?’

‘You don’t think writers who work for that magazine would be foolish enough to announce it, do you? Every door would be slammed in their faces! And anyway, they usually use a phony by-line, so they are hard to check out properly.’

‘Yes, I see what you mean,’ Katharine acknowledged quietly. Then she asked, ‘Does your friend know whether it’s a man or a woman?’

‘He thinks it’s a man. Peter’s been racking his brains to narrow it down, but he’s not been able to pinpoint anyone. Actually, that’s why he mentioned it to me. He thought I might have heard who it was on the grapevine, but I haven’t. I didn’t even know they had someone based in London. Anyway, I think you’d better mention it to Victor immediately. Put him on his guard. It’s more than likely he’s one of the current targets, because of his bitchy wife’s big mouth.’