Waiting to Exhale (55 page)

And this baby I'm carrying. I'm keeping it. Russell can do whatever he wants to do. But I'm keeping it. I haven't told him yet, but I will. When it's too late to do anything except have it. I don't want him to leave his wife. I'm not going to do anything stupid to try to hold him accountable, either. This is my decision. Russell couldn't say enough, he couldn't do enough, to make me even think about taking him back. If he divorced his wife today, I wouldn't take him. Baby or no baby. I don't want him. He's no good. Rotten to the core. That I've finally realized. I've let him hurt me too many times. And I'm tired of being a fool. Tired of giving him so much power. Over me. Over my life. I'm tired of letting him get away with everything. Even fools get tired of being fools at some point. If death teaches you anything, it has taught me to cherish life, to value myself. Something I haven't exactly made a habit of doing.

And guess who came to console me and my mother when I called to tell him about my daddy? Michael. And guess who told me he doesn't care if I'm carrying Russell's baby or not, he still wants to marry me? Michael. I told him I couldn't do that. I don't love Michael, and he knows it. I told him he's a wonderful man but not for me. As much as I want to get married, I realize that just because I want to settle down doesn't mean I have to settle. I'm going to have to learn how to stand on my own two feet. Learn how to rely on Robin. The answers aren't in any astrology book. It's not hidden in a number, or in my psychic's palms, either. The answer to everything is inside me. Still, it is so very comforting to know that there's at least one decent man in my life who cares about me.

I'm thinking about taking a leave of absence from my job, at least for a month. My mother needs me. And I'm pretty sure I need her. I haven't told anybody at work that I'm pregnant, but I will. My mother wasn't exactly thrilled to hear it, but she's already making a quilt.

And they finally gave me my raise. They didn't have much choice, though. I wrote up that ten-million-dollar account I'd quoted a few months ago. I know how good it is to book a premium this size this late in the year. It means we don't have to worry about paying for any losses. Binding it is what made my position that much stronger. My boss told me I could look forward to getting a pretty big Christmas bonus too. I asked him how big. He said somewhere in the neighborhood of five to ten thousand. I could pay off my student loan, but it depends on how I feel.

The doctor said the baby's due about the fifteenth of June. I don't care what sign this child is, as long as it's healthy. I was also advised to get that amniocentesis test. They said I could find out what sex the baby is, if I want to know. But I don't want to know. I don't care what it is. I don't care if it's pretty, either. If I don't do anything else right, I'm going to do this right. I'll finally have somebody I can love as hard as I want to. Somebody who needs me. Hopefully, I'll have at least eighteen years to get used to the idea. And whenever I have any questions, or any doubts, I can always ask Gloria or Bernadine. They always know what to do.

Chapter
28

Bernadine sat at her desk, pretending to move her fingers on the adding machine keys. Her phone rang. Finally. She prayed to God it was her lawyer. She'd been waiting all morning to hear from her.

"Well," Jane Milhouse said, "it's over."

Bernadine's heart was pounding so hard she thought it was going to explode. She took a deep breath. "And?"

"How does nine hundred sixty-four thousand sound to you?"

Bernadine exhaled. Her hands fell on top of the keys. "Did you say nine hundred and sixty-four thousand dollars

"That's what I said."

"That's almost a million dollars!"

"That it is," Jane said.

"John must be in his grave by now," she said.

"He could be, but that's not our problem, now is it?"

"No, it isn't," Bernadine said, and swallowed hard. "And you're absolutely, positively sure about this?"

"I just left his lawyer's office."

"Was John there?"

"No, he wasn't."

"Nine hundred sixty what?"

"Nine hundred sixty-four thousand. You'll also be entitled to half of his pension when he retires. And since you're already aware of our legal fees, we can talk more about the details of the settlement later."

"Thank you," Bernadine said. "Really."

"You're quite welcome. Now. When would you like to come in?"

"You tell me."

"Well, they've got twenty-four hours to deliver a certified check to my office. How's day after tomorrow?"

"I'll be there," she said. "And thank you again."

Bernadine hung up and immediately called Savannah. After she told her the good news, she asked Savannah if she could meet her, Gloria, and Robin for dinner the next day. She wanted to take everybody out to celebrate. Much to Bernadine's surprise, Savannah said she had a date. "A what?"

"You heard me. A date."

"With who?"

"This painter I met."

"Where'd you meet him?"

"At that new black gallery that just opened."

"Any potential?"

"Girl, I'm not even going to guess. Let's just say he's nice. But I'll cancel. For you."

Bernadine was flattered. "And you're still not smoking?"

"Hell no. Whatever was in those needles worked. I lost the craving. But I won't lie. I did go back for a booster, just in case." Bernadine laughed. Savannah was the most resilient woman she knew.

"Do you need anything?" Bernadine asked.

"Like what?"

"Anything.

"I can't think of anything."

"Stop lying, bitch," Bernadine said. "After all we've been through, we both could use a vacation. And you know what? We're spending New Year's in London. And don't argue with me either. Didn't you always say you wanted to go to London?" She didn't give Savannah a chance to answer. "You tell those folks down at Drum Beat or whatever the name of that show's called-tell 'em you're going to see the queen of fucking England. It is time," she said. "It is time."

"You're crazy," Savannah said. "But I'll start packing tonight. They've got the best hats in the world in London. And I'll buy as many as I can squeeze in the overhead compartment."

"Speaking of hats. Let's all wear one tomorrow, Savannah. And put on your best shit. Nothing glittery, but do get clean. Remember when we said we'd have our own Sisters' Nite Out?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it is time."

"I hear you," Savannah said.

"What you doing for Christmas?"

"Spending it with you and the kids."

"Don't forget James," Bernadine added.

"Oh, shit. I forgot. I don't have to stay all day. I'll drop the kids' presents off, have some eggnog, and make like a banana and split."

"Savannah, give me a fucking break, would you? I want you to spend the damn night. Help me play Santa Claus. Shit, help me cook. James is a real man, girl. Nothing like John. So bring your flannel jammies."

"I'll do that," Savannah said. "A million fucking dollars, huh?"

"And that's the truth, Ruth. Bye." Bernadine blurted out: "I love you, girl."

Next she called Robin. After Bernadine told her the good news, she gave Robin the same instructions for dinner, right on down to the dress code. Robin was so excited for her she said she was going to pee on herself. "I don't have any hats," she said.

"Well, buy one," Bernadine said. "Seriously, Robin. How's everything going?"

"Everything's fine, girl. I'm sick as a dog, though. Eating crackers like it's going out of style."

"How's your mother?"

"She's doing good. Got me down here making quilts again."

"Good. Keep your ass out of trouble. Any word from Russell?"

"Yeah. You want to hear what that bastard said?" "What?"

"He said how's he know this baby's his."

"No, he didn't."

"Girl, I'm not thinking about Russell."

"Well, fuck him," Bernadine said. "Me, Gloria, and Savannah'll help you do everything but breast-feed the little rug rat when it's born. And for your information, when you get closer to your due date, I'm giving you the biggest goddamn baby shower in history. Now get your pregnant ass in the car and drive on up here tomorrow. And don't forget to wear a hat."

"What's with the hats, Bernie?"

"Because we're stepping out, that's why. And it is time," Bernadine said again. "And speaking of time, have your black ass at my house on time. Seven o'clock sharp, Robin. No bullshit."

"I will I will I will," she said. "Bye, you rich bitch!"

Bernadine was still laughing when she called Gloria. By now, of course, Savannah had already called and told her Bernadine's news. "Savannah's got a big mouth," Bernadine said. "So, Glo. Tell me. Do you need any extra cash for Tarik?"

"Nope," Gloria said. "We've got everything under control. He's working his behind off. Cleaning up people's yards, painting fences, you name it."

"Gloria, the boy is going around the goddamn world."

"I know that! But I'll tell you something, since you're in such a generous mood. You could sznd Phillip a few dollars."

"Consider it done. Just give me his address. How's he doing anyway?"

"He's much better. He's not doing as much hair as he hoped. He'd really appreciate it. Especially coming from you. Phillip always liked you."

"You don't think he'd be offended, do you?" "No."

"Did you ever get anybody to replace Desiree?"

"Miss Black America came back on her hands and knees. Begging me for her job back." Gloria was clearly being sarcastic.

"Did you slap her for old time's sake?"

"No," Gloria said, laughing. "I told her to go ahead and set up her station, whip that hair out of her plastic bag, and get busy. As long as we don't say too much to each other, we'll get along fine."

"You sure you don't need anything, Gloria?"

"I've got everything I need."

"Meaning what?"

"Well, me and Marvin've got a 'thang' going on," Gloria said, and was actually giggling.

"You mean to tell me you finally did the nasty?" Bernadine said.

"No. We haven't done the nasty yet," Gloria said. "I'm still recuperating, girl. But he did kiss me."

"Kissed you?" Bernadine moaned.

"Yeah. A kiss is worth a whole lot. He's being so good to me. Ain't nothing in this house broke anymore. When I'm fully recovered, don't worry, we'll do the nasty, and I'll call you up while we're doing it, to let you know how it's going. How's that?"

"Fuck you, Gloria."

"You ought to stop saying that word so much. It doesn't become you."

"Fuck you, Gloria. Do you think you could possibly squeeze me in tomorrow? I need to get my hair done bad. Maybe get some of those acrylic nails too. Wait. Never mind. I'm wearing a hat, shit. And forget about the nails. I won't be needing anybody's long fingernails for what I'm about to do," she said.

"Which is what?"

"You'll see soon enough," she said. "Don't forget, Gloria. Wear a hat. You're a churchgoing woman, so I know you've got a closetful. Just don't come out looking like Sister Monroe."

"Fuck you, Bernie."

After she hung up, Bernadine knew her girlfriends were just as elated about her settlement as she was. She could hear it in their voices. Hell, they'd been waiting as long as she had. Now it seeme
d a
s if they'd all won the lottery. And as far as Bernadine was concerned, they had.

She looked at the control sheets spread out on her desk, then glanced down at the adding machine. Bernadine was trying to remember where she'd left off. It was damn near impossible. She couldn't wait to get home to tell the kids. But what would she tell them? She hadn't figured that out yet. And then a light went on in her head. She'd tell them their daddy wanted to be extra nice, so he gave her a little extra money. Out of habit, Bernadine reached for a cigarette, then she shook her head. She inhaled deeply. Then slowly exhaled.

Now that she thought about it, Bernadine herself owned only one decent hat. She'd stop by the mall on the way home. After she picked up the kids. No. She couldn't do that. She'd promised she'd take them to see Home Alone tonight. She'd broken enough promises. The hat she had would have to do.

Bernadine sat there a few more minutes, drumming a pencil on her desk. She was thinking. About all this. She could definitely quit this damn job. But not until after the first of the year. If she quit now, she'd leave them in a bind. That wouldn't be right. Like Robin always said, good karma was a good thing to have. She'd finally be able to spend more time with her kids, which made Bernadine smile. She'd be the first mother there after school. Every single day. She'd sit in her Cherokee, listening to George Winston, long before that bell rang. No more rushing in rush hour. No more leaving at dawn, getting home when it was dark.

She also wouldn't have to worry about selling the house now. But Bernadine wasn't taking that fucker off the market. She'd drop the price. And she'd send a nice check to the United Negro College Fund, something she'd always wanted to do. She'd help feed some of those kids in Africa she'd seen on TV at night. She'd call that toll- free number she'd written down on a piece of paper that was stuck under a magnet on the refrigerator. Maybe she'd send some change to the Urban League and the NAACP, and she'd definitely help out some of those programs that BWOTM had been trying to get off the ground for the last hundred years. At the rate she was going, Bernadine had already given away over a million dollars. But she sat there, still trying to think of who else might need her help.