Waking Hearts (40 page)

Trying to calm her nerves, she pulled out the letter and opened it, sliding the single sheet of lined paper from the envelope. With a deep breath, she braced herself.

Dear Allie,

If you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. I’m sorry. Just another mess for you to deal with, right?

I left you too many messes.

I’m trying to do the right thing, but I’ve always been pretty stupid about knowing what the right thing was. I was a shit husband. A shit dad. I guess this money is my one way of paying you back for all the stuff you had to put up with.

I’m sorry, honey. I tried, but not hard enough. This is my fault. I know you tried your best. And you’re such a good mom. I’m sorry that I took it out on you. I was the one who wasn’t good enough, not you.

I didn’t deserve you. I grabbed on to something I wanted and didn’t care that I was dragging you down with me. I knew it. Everyone did. The fact that I resented how good you were is on me, not you. You were a way better wife than I deserved.

The only good thing I ever accomplished was our kids, and I know that’s mostly you anyway. Tell Kevin I’m sorry about his Bowie knife. I’m going to try to get it back to him, I promise. I see so much of myself in Mark that it scares me sometimes. But I know you’ll do a better job than my parents did, so he’ll be fine. I’m sorry I was mean to Chris. He never deserved that. Tell him I miss reading him bedtime stories in funny voices. And the baby. God, Allie, I can still feel how small she was. She’s getting so big already, and I’m going to miss it.

Allie saw old tearstains marking the page. She pulled the Kleenex from her pocket to wipe her own away.

I’m going to miss everything. Every funny story. Every silly joke. Every football game. Their graduations. Their weddings.

I hate myself so much.

This is all I can give them. I had to do something. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I had to do
something
.

I love them. I love you. I know it’s not enough.

It wasn’t all bad, was it? We had some good times, right? Can you remind the kids of that sometimes? They probably hate me. I know you do. I deserve it.

You should be with Ollie. He’s loved you for years. I know nothing ever happened between you guys, but he loves you and the kids. Just let him help, because you can be stubborn as hell. I guess you had to be, being married to me. But I can’t remember the last time I heard you laugh. And you have such a great laugh. Maybe he can make you laugh again.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I think this is the longest letter I’ve ever written. I don’t know what else to say, but I don’t want to stop writing.

Please remember when I made you laugh.

Please tell the kids how much I love them. How proud I am. How amazing they are.

Please remember our first kiss. Because it was perfect.

I didn’t know how to love you right, but I loved you.

I
always
will.

 
Joe

She could barely see the last words he wrote.

Allie crumpled the letter to her chest and cried. For everything that was. For what might have been. For everything Joe would miss and for the good things he’d never seen about himself.

She remembered the hours he’d spent walking Kevin up and down the hallway when he wouldn’t sleep in his crib. The way he’d laughed hysterically the first time Mark had peed on him when he changed his diaper. The way he’d tickle Chris until neither one of them could breathe. His insistence in dressing Loralie in the frilliest dresses they could find, so delighted to have a little girl after three rowdy boys.

She didn’t know how long she cried, but the sun had started to go down when she felt Ollie sit down next to her. He didn’t say a word, just put his arms around her and scooted her onto his lap, surrounding her with his presence. Kissing the top of her head and rocking her back and forth as he wiped her tears with the edge of his flannel shirt.

“Jim called me,” he said after her tears were spent.

“There was a letter from Joe. With the money.”

He paused. “Should I have left you alone?”

“Never.”

“Okay.”

Allie took a deep breath and rested her cheek against his chest. They were silent for a long time, but it felt good. It felt right to be there with him, mourning the past so she could move into their future.

“We never did a memorial for him. Nothing. I was so shocked… They gave me his ashes, but they’re at my dad’s.”

“We’ll plan something.”

“The kids probably needed that, but I didn’t even think about it. I’m a bad mom.”

She felt his chest shaking with laughter.

“Stop,” she said throwing a wadded-up Kleenex at his chest.

“You’re not a bad mom.” He tugged on her ponytail until she looked up at him. “You’re an amazing mom, and they love you. So do I.”

“Joe mentioned that.”

Ollie frowned, so she held out the letter to let him read it. She didn’t mind. She’d be feeling sore from it for a while, so he should probably know why. He read it silently and then folded it up, put it back in the envelope, and sighed.

“You’ll remind the kids about the good stuff,” he said softly, hugging her tighter. “When you’re ready. When they need to hear it. You’ll remember.”

She nodded.

“You ready to go home? Eli and Paul are hanging with the kids.”

“Can we keep your cousins?” she asked. “When we’re no longer in mortal danger? They’re great babysitters, and they have driver’s licenses.”

“They love your cooking. You probably won’t be able to get rid of them until they leave for college.”

They held hands in the car, and Ollie wasn’t able to make her laugh, but he did make her smile.

The laughter could come later.

SHE skipped her shift the night she received Joe’s letter, but she couldn’t skip two, even if Ollie gave a token protest. She could spot a token protest from a mile away; she knew he needed her there. It was a Thursday, and there was a band coming in from San Diego. The Cave would be slammed.

Allie left Elijah and Kevin with instructions while Ollie briefed the bears and the wolves outside.

“Are you sure we should both be going?” he asked as he climbed into the truck. “It’s not that I don’t trust everyone, but—”

“Ted’s coming over later,” she said. “She’ll be in the house with the kids, just in case.”

Ollie said nothing.

“I know,” she added, “but I’m trying not to be paranoid. Careful, but not paranoid.”

“I want to go hunting,” he growled. “You shouldn’t have to live like this.”

“Do we even know where to start looking?”

He paused. “Not really. Alex is working on it.”

“And when he finds something, you’ll know. Until then…” She slid his hand in hers. “…we have great people.”

The corner of his mouth turned up. “You and your people.”

“You’re my favorite though.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes. You’re excellent people.”

Ollie brought their hands up and kissed the back of her fingers. “You’re making it awfully hard to take this thing slow, Allie-girl.”

The new band wasn’t as good as the last one, but it wasn’t bad either. The drinks were flowing, and the crowd was enjoying itself.

Too bad Allie wasn’t. It was the kind of night she usually loved, but there was something nagging at her.

“Darlin’, I got your order up!” Ollie yelled from across the bar.

Allie shot him a smile and a wink, not missing the longing sigh of the two ladies at the table.

“That one yours?” one of the women asked.

“Yep,” Allie said with a grin. “Hands off.”

“Girl,” the other said, “I don’t blame you. That man is
fine
.”

“You ladies liking the band?”

“Yeah, but I think it’s the first time we had to hike so far for parking. This place is packed. We parked halfway up the road into town.”

Allie froze, fumbling the glass she’d been about to pick up.

“You okay, honey?” the first woman asked.

“Yeah,” she said, her heart starting to pound. “I just… I’ll check back with you guys in a bit. You okay for now?”

They waved her away and Allie practically ran to the bar.

“Hey.” Ollie was right there. “What’s wrong?”

“All these cars,” she said in a panic. “We’ve been watching for strange cars because this Ashford guy isn’t going to be able to get close to town without a vehicle, but now there’s all these cars, Ollie, and there’s no way—”

“Baby, I’ve got twice as many men at the house for just that reason. They’re watching extra close. And Sean said he was going to send some of the Quinns over later to help.”

“But he’s a snake!”

Ollie glanced around, and she lowered her voice.

“He’s a snake, Ollie. You can’t… they can get anywhere. Everywhere.” She couldn’t calm down. “I need to be home. I can’t be here.”

Ollie passed a harried gaze over the bar. “Allie—”

“Just drive me home and come right back. Or have Jim do it. I don’t care. But I’m gonna be useless here. I can’t stop thinking about that guy.” She felt her breath coming faster. “He could sneak in the house and no one—”

“Okay.” He smoothed his hands down her shoulders. “Okay, we’ll get you home. Calm down. I’ll… call in someone else to fill in. But I can’t leave. Are you okay letting Jim take you home? The kitchen’s pretty slow. Is that okay?”

She nodded, but the icy claws in her chest didn’t ease. “Okay.”

Ollie waved Jim over and explained the situation. Allie grabbed her purse and practically ran to Jim’s truck.

There was something wrong. She just knew it.

The claws in her chest only tightened when she got back to Ollie’s and saw every light on in the house and barn and half their people in shifted form.
 

Jim threw open the door. “What’s going on?”

Elijah ran up. “We were just about to call you, Dad. We can’t find Chris.”

“What?” Allie shrieked.

Elijah held up a hand. “He and Mark got into a fight about some cards or something—”

“Pokémon cards?” Allie yelled. “He ran off because of Pokémon cards?” She ran toward the house, Elijah following her.

“They were fighting, and then Mark yelled something and Chris ran off. Miss Allie, he’s probably just hiding.”

Jim said, “Call Ollie right now.”

“Dad—”

“I’m not angry. But you need to call him right now, then call some of the older cousins to go help your mom out at the bar.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Allie, wait!”

She heard Jim calling her, but she didn’t stop. Those stupid, stupid cards! She was getting rid of every single one of them. Maybe that was going to be her policy from now on. Every time they fought over a toy, it belonged to her. She strode up the porch steps and into the house. “Kevin!”

Kevin and Mark ran down the stairs, Kevin holding Loralie.

Mark looked like he was about to puke. “Mom, I’m so sorry. He bent my cards and I lost my temper and I yelled at him.”

“Buddy, don’t worry about that right now.” She passed Loralie to Mark. “Watch your sister. Stay upstairs and scream
really, really loud
if you see anything slithering. Kevin, shift and find your brother.”

“But Eli and Mr. McCann said—”

“I know what they said.” She put her hand on his cheek. “But I need to stay human so I can talk with the other grown-ups, and other than me, you know him best. I don’t think anyone grabbed him.”
Please, God, don’t let anyone have grabbed him.
“I think he’s just hiding. Shift and find him for me, baby.”

Kevin nodded and ran to his room.

“Allie?” Alex’s dad, Robert McCann, walked through the front door. “Why don’t you stay in the house with the kids while we—”

“Kevin is shifting right now. He and I will start searching in the house. Please send someone up here to stay with Mark and Loralie.”

His mouth was a thin line. “I really think you should leave the searching to us. We’re probably being overcautious, but—”

“We probably are, but Mr. McCann, I know my child better than you. He ran off to hide. He does this fairly frequently. Kevin will be able to find him.” Kevin trotted out to stand next to her. “We’ll look around the house first. Has anyone gone down to the tunnels beneath the house?”

“What tunnels?” He glared. “Damn bears! I can’t secure a perimeter if I’m not given the right information!” He spun and marched out the door.

Allie didn’t have time for territorial fights. The acrid fear had eased, but she still wanted to find her youngest son. “Kevin, the door in the basement. Start there. You know Chris has been dying to go explore.”

Kevin raced down the hall, nudging open the basement door that never seemed to latch correctly. He disappeared and Allie ran after him.