War in Heaven (70 page)

‘You haven’t seen the inside of those things,’ I told her. ‘With a bit of tinkering the in is solid if fucking hairy, but we’re dead as soon as we get in, or more likely as soon as we get close. The only advantage we have is surprise. Once that’s gone, it’s over for us. Even if we get in there’s no way we can get out.’

‘Well isn’t that your job, Jakob?’ Annis growled.

‘Yes, but only if there’s an actual solution. We can look at it some more, but we’re not going to piss everyone’s life away.’ Cat and Rannu were nodding in agreement.

‘You know how much they need this info back on Earth – what’s at stake here?’ Annis demanded.

‘Fuck Earth,’ Mother said. Everyone turned to look at her. There were a lot of angry faces. ‘I’m tired of risking my life and watching my friends die for a place I’ve never seen, couldn’t afford to go to and wouldn’t accept me even if I got there. I know it’s important to you people but not at our expense.’

‘Whether you like it or not, Earth’s key, because if Earth falls then the people here in this cave are pretty much the resistance. Maybe with a few scattered groups who won’t have anything like the advantages we do,’ Merle told her, contempt creeping into his tone, or maybe it just lived there.

‘The Citadel’s the base of their ops here, their main manufacturing site. It’s the key. Vicar knew that,’ Annis said angrily.

‘And how does all of us being dead help?’ I demanded.

‘You fucking coward!’ she spat at me.

I saw people’s postures shift. Not nervous, just getting ready for another one of our arguments.

‘Shut up, Morag,’ Mudge told her. He was staring at her angrily.

‘This isn’t the place,’ Cat told her, shaking her head.

‘This, I guess, shows up another problem,’ I said. ‘I’m not trusted in command of the warfare element of Operation Ungentlemanly Warfare.’ There was little in the way of protest. Merle was smiling in a way that made me want to hit him. ‘Cat, I think it’s better that you take over.’

‘Why? What’d I do?’ She looked surprised.

‘You’ve got experience of command; you’ve not been compromised.’

She obviously didn’t want it. Who would? It was a fucked situation. It also felt like a weight off my shoulders, like I was stepping into lighter gravity. Maybe I was being a coward, but Morag had demonstrated, along with the repeated murder attempts and my total inability to deal with Merle, that I could not lead these people.

The argument was heating up. I understood Morag’s perspective. The exo-armour seemed to be a boon; the two cloaks, if they could hide the hackers from Demiurge, really would be an asset, but there were still many considerations that had to be borne in mind. We couldn’t piss these advantages away by committing suicide.

I watched Annis argue with Merle and Mother. Maybe Morag had become used to doing six impossible things before breakfast. Maybe the extraordinary luck that had seen us through so far had raised her expectations unrealistically, but she was pushing too hard.

‘All of you, shut up!’ Cat said. ‘Everyone calm down. This is getting us nowhere. You’re acting like a bunch of new recruits. Shut up!’ she snapped. Good sergeant voice, I thought, smiling, enjoying it not being me. ‘Okay, we keep looking at this, but until we at least have an out it’s not happening, okay?’ There were muted mutterings but everyone eventually nodded. ‘Until then we help Mother’s people maintain a perimeter and run patrols. Clear? I also want plans to fuck up their infrastructure without committing suicide or unnecessary collateral damage. Any fucking personal problem, sort it out in your own time. Clear?’

More nods. She was purposely talking to us like regular army, conventional soldiers, letting us know what she thought of our behaviour. She had a point.

‘Merle, no fucking around. We get out of here, you look after Jakob’s cheek, understood?’

He looked like he was going to argue but finally nodded. He’d be pissed off because he knew that my wound would heal as a result of the bio-nanites in my blood, whereas he was scarred until we got back to Earth. Which seemed unlikely.

‘Now the Kiwis are watching, so let’s see if we can get through the next couple of days without disgracing ourselves, okay?’ Mother and Tailgunner were smiling.

Under Cat we started to resemble a special forces unit a bit more but we were getting nowhere. We were just going through the motions. We’d been lucky to survive our one operation against the Black Squadrons. We didn’t have anything like the resources we needed to do the Citadel and the rest of our options were risky propositions at best, for very little gain.

Soloso had joined us in the
pa
. He’d also joined the continuing list of people who were avoiding me. Fine, I was starting to get used to my own company again. With somebody else in charge it was starting to feel like the army again. Guard and picket duty, patrolling, I was quickly into the routine. I didn’t even feel guilty when I used my down time to read what I could find. The firestorm had taken out all the books and music I’d had stored in my internal memory, and my trumpet and the skillsofts were still on the
Tetsuo Chou

Mudge at least had started talking to me again. His problem had never really been with me. I welcomed his company though we were both getting worried about the diminishing alcohol and drug supplies. As well as being pissed off with Merle, the constant inactivity was getting to him. He was seriously jittery. The day after our briefing in Dinas Emrys, I saw him having a fierce argument with Morag. I’d been tempted to boost my hearing to listen in but you never hear well of yourself.

Morag, when she wasn’t tranced in working on the stuff they’d got out of my head, the eel net and what little they’d learned when Nuada had fried half their systems, was hanging out with Strange. Apparently the girl didn’t speak to anyone but Tailgunner. Now it seemed she was talking to Morag. Maybe they’d team up and properly murder me.

Hanging over our heads like a bladed pendulum on some kind of ancient clock was the knowledge that any day soon Rolleston and his band of merry arseholes were going to attack Earth and there wasn’t a lot we could do about it.

I was in the main cave in the shadow of
Apakura
. I’d come to find the motionless giant mech somehow comforting. I was stripping down and cleaning my SAW and engaging in a tried and trusted activity of British squaddies. I was trying to work out how to nick something. Merle’s Void Eagle.

I’d heard raised voices and was watching the
whanau
on one of the ledges high above where I was sitting. They were arguing about something and Strange was hugging Tailgunner fiercely. I didn’t even consider listening in. It wasn’t my business. Why make my life more complicated?

A shadow fell across me. I looked up to see the most complicated of my complications. Morag was holding two beer bottles. It looked surprisingly like a gesture of peace.

‘Only if it doesn’t end up with us screaming at each other,’ I told her.

‘Do you think you’re in any position to dictate terms?’ she asked testily.

‘No, but I can just walk away.’

‘I’ll scatter the pieces of your gun all over the place.’ But she was smiling. I accepted the beer. She sat down next to me. ‘So Mudge came and shouted at me,’ she said conversationally.

I nodded. ‘He’s good at that if he’s on the right aggro mix of chemicals.’

‘He reminded me that it was you who’d been captured, tortured and possessed and that you’d betrayed us because of me. Which was stupid by the way. Sweet but stupid.’

Sweet? Sweet! Fucking sweet! Remain calm.

‘It wouldn’t have made any difference. They were going to possess me and they would have known everything anyway. In fact it probably took them longer to break me. More fun for Rolleston though.’ Which didn’t quite make sense. Rolleston was an evil bastard but it had all been for practical reasons. Now he seemed to like causing pain.

Morag didn’t say anything for a while. We both drank our beer and I rapidly reassembled my SAW. She may have been joking but I didn’t fancy wading though pools of acid water looking for components to what was my last remaining weapon of choice.

‘I get that you didn’t want to abandon me, but here’s the thing. When you were possessed you seemed so honest. You seemed to be able to say all the horrible things that we think deep down but never say. Well maybe Mudge does.’

‘You think I believed anything I said?’ I was appalled that she would think that.

‘Not consciously. But you – it – was right. I’ve been a victim most of my life.’

‘You don’t get a choice when you’re that young.’

This was where you really began to feel an ache in your chest talking to Morag, coolly discussing the atrocity that her life had been. I remembered her telling me she would scar herself before ending up a military whore. I turned to look at her. She wouldn’t face me. Emotion was etched on her face, in eyes that couldn’t cry any more.

‘Look at me,’ I said. She didn’t move. I gently took her chin in my hand. She didn’t flinch away from me. I turned her head to look at me. I could see how much this was costing her. More vulnerability to the guy who’d caused her so much pain already. ‘You’re not a victim, never were; you were just waiting for an opportunity, that’s all. If it hadn’t been this, and I sort of wish it hadn’t, then it would’ve been something else.’

She swallowed and nodded. I prayed that she believed me. She looked away.

‘Which just leaves the Grey Lady,’ she said quietly. It was going to come up sooner or later. I still felt cold when she said it.

‘Morag … I … I’ve got nothing to explain or justify. I thought you were dead.’ I think subconsciously I’d searched for the absolute worst thing I could’ve said in the circumstances and arrived at that.

‘And that made it all right?’ she hissed. Angry, but I was grateful that she wasn’t shouting. ‘Tell me, was my corpse still on the floor?’

‘Look, I didn’t want to—’

‘Did she rape you?’ She was still angry but I’m not sure at whom.

‘What? No!’

‘Then why?’ she demanded.

‘I’ve told you. I’ve got no answers. I don’t expect you to forgive me—’

‘I want an answer. Help me understand why you’d fuck a cold-blooded murderer after you thought I was dead.’

‘I was really and truly fucked up. Nothing mattered. I wanted to be close to someone. Even if it was a lie because I was all alone.’ I think it was the closest thing to an explanation I could find. She looked away from me and hugged her knees to herself. I just stared into my bottle.

‘God, I wish you weren’t here,’ she said, finally looking at me.

‘Well I did try and retire to the Highlands.’

She looked like she was going to slap me. Then she laughed. ‘Cheeky bastard.’ Then serious again: ‘What are we going to do? We just keep tearing at each other.’

‘Pretty extreme circumstances. If we get out of this, it won’t be like this. I prom—’

‘Don’t make promises. You can’t keep them.’ She looked away from me again and I concentrated on my beer and tried not to say anything else stupid.

‘Look, you owe me nothing,’ I finally said. She looked at me again. I think she would have had tears in her eyes if they hadn’t been plastic now. ‘You decide. All I know is I want you so much and for ever, but we have to be able to work together because we’re putting the others at risk now. You decide.’

‘All on me, is it?’ she asked and sniffed. ‘Typical.’

‘That’s not what I mean. I mean what I want is us to be together, but you’re the wronged party so it’s up to you.’

She gazed at me for a while and then stood up.

‘Before you go, you have to stop trying to push everyone so hard,’ I said.

She didn’t look at me but she nodded. ‘I know. Cat’s spoken to me.’

‘What are you doing?’

She turned to look down at me.

‘Think about how much it has cost to get here. Buck, Gibby, Balor, Vicar, Dog Face, countless other people whose names we’ll never know, some of whom we’ve killed. It has to be for something, and we’re so close.’ I heard the resolve, the steel in her voice. I couldn’t tell her that more often than not it didn’t matter, and a lot of people died for very little.

‘I don’t think you realise how much we’ve punched above our weight,’ I told her instead.

‘We still have to make it mean something,’ she said.

I had nothing for her. I think we had raised her expectations too high. She turned to walk away but stopped.

‘Go and see Mudge,’ she said over her shoulder. ‘He’s really hurting.’

Showering. I waited until I knew Merle was showering and nicked his Void Eagle, spare clips and his holster. I also stole all the booze he had.

I found Mudge on his own, humming to himself in one of the caves. It was dark. The only illumination was the glowing cherry of his spliff. I was looking at him in the green of night vision. He was oblivious to me. I suspected that he was listening to music on his internal systems. I’d have to see if he had anything worth copying, maybe more of that Cash guy.

‘Mudge?’ I shouted. There was a moment of shock and then he was reaching for his Sig before he realised it was me.

‘What?’ he demanded suspiciously, looking around the cave as if he’d just discovered it anew.