Warrior Pose (43 page)

With Jin Shin Jyutsu and Biofeedback, I feel like I'm embarking on an inner journey as vast, mysterious, and exciting as the world I used to cover as a journalist. Maybe somewhere deep inside me there's something waiting to be discovered. I'm not sure what it is, but I sense this might be the most important journey of my life and, even though this is my first day at the Pain Center, I have a surprising degree of faith in this process. Despite the odds, I think, I just might have a chance to beat some of the back pain, find a level of dignity, and reclaim a semblance of my life. The cancer is something else, and I can't even think about it right now.
One thing at a time
, I tell myself,
it doesn't matter how much time you have left. Just let go of all your cynicism and embrace what's happening. Relax, take it slowly, let it all unfold
.

CHAPTER 26

Body, Mind, and Soul

I
AM STRONG, healthy, calm, and relaxed
.

It's mid-February 2000, and I'm living at a Marriott Hotel in La Jolla, less than a mile from the Pain Center. I moved here three weeks ago after checking out of detox and am attending classes at the Pain Center full-time.

I consciously choose to let everything else go at this moment in time, and I give myself permission to relax.

The Marriott is twelve stories tall and, because I'll be here for a prolonged stay, the hotel has given me a discounted rate on a spacious suite on the penultimate floor with panoramic views of La Jolla.

There's no place I have to go right now, nothing I have to do, no problem I have to solve…therefore, this is a safe place and I can relax.

I have a dining room that opens onto a living room, a separate bedroom and bath, plus a small kitchenette and office area. It's an incredible luxury, especially after the tough days in my detox room, and reminds me how fortunate I was during my career with NBC to have most of my expenses covered so I could deposit my paychecks into a savings account.

I am allowing relaxation to heal me at every level.

Shortly after my first Biofeedback session, I asked Sandra, the evening concierge here at the Marriott, to order Dr. Emmett Miller's book
Deep Healing: The Essence of Mind/Body Medicine
. It arrived
the next day, and I've already read through it twice. I'm lying on the living room floor right now, my eyes closed, silently repeating affirmations from the book.

As I reawaken, I come back feeling relaxed, refreshed, and alert. My body feels invigorated, my mind is clear, and my emotions are calm.

The introduction to the book tells me that Dr. Miller is an African-American who grew up in Harlem in the 1950s. He dealt with the pain of racism through academic achievement. He became a mathematician, scientist, and, ultimately, a surgeon, graduating from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. But he soon became disillusioned with Western medicine, feeling it lacked compassion and was too quick to implement invasive procedures, especially surgery. Instead, Dr. Miller began to focus on the power of the mind to facilitate healing. As a result, he put down his scalpel and developed
Deep Healing
, which proved to be a revolutionary, holistic program of mind-body medicine. It's a synthesis of East and West, a journey into self-discovery, and a pathway toward self-healing.

The book explains that Western medicine views the human body as composed of systems and parts, such as our various muscles and organs, the skeletal structure, the cardiovascular, neurological, and endocrine systems. Specialists come to great understandings about these parts and systems, but rarely see them as a whole. Eastern medicine takes an opposite view, focusing on the interrelationship between all aspects of a human being, including the body, mind, and Soul, which is why it's called holistic medicine.

While reading
Deep Healing
I've jotted down pages of notes on affirmations, awakening the inner healer, true relaxation, opening the heart, self-acceptance, and faith. This is a complete shift from who I've been. I never thought mental attitude could impact physical feeling, and probably would have rejected the idea had I not experienced it in Biofeedback. Now I'm starting to understand that my fear, anger, and negative thoughts have been like a poison inside of me, making me worse while also alienating everyone around me. As Dr. Miller explains it, our thoughts create an inner chemistry, and dramatic biochemical changes can be achieved based on the thoughts and images we hold in our minds. In other words, we are
creating our own experiences of the world, not just in our heads but in our neurochemistry as well.

Chapter Three of
Deep Healing
hit me right between the eyes. The title is “Taking Responsibility for Your Own Health.” It delves into the healing powers of profound relaxation, reducing stress by letting go, getting in touch with the deeper Self, and taking charge of my own healing. In a section subtitled “The Holy State of Victimhood,” Dr. Miller explains how easy it is to hide behind being the victim, blame others for our plight, and avoid all responsibility. This describes me perfectly, and I flush with embarrassment every time I read it. This is what I've been doing for years: hiding behind the tragedy of my story, lashing out and blaming others, blaming the world, cursing my fate. Dr. Miller writes, “The victim role is one of the greatest weapons we have against real healing.” He's right. It's what Morgan felt without really understanding it.
Get up, Daddy
was a plea for me to take charge of my life.

During the Internet research I did on cancer, I discovered an article that maintains almost everyone has cancer cells inside of them, but most are recognized and dealt with by our immune systems. It's when we're stressed, imbalanced, and making poor lifestyle choices that they have a greater chance of taking hold. It's the same with chronic pain. The more you stress over it, the worse it gets. Again, I can't think of a better example than myself. It's clear that if I'm going to deal with my physical pain, and if I have the slightest chance of beating cancer, I have to radically rearrange my mind. I have to let go of self-centeredness, get past my ego, no longer play the victim. Ever since I lost my career I've been waging an inner war. Now I have to figure out how to wage inner peace.

I've also ordered some of Dr. Miller's audiotapes and take guided journeys into healing as I listen to his intelligent and soothing voice. It's an amazing new world to me. Not the vicarious living of the cheap novels I used to read for escape. I'm now on my own adventure. It's an authentic journey of the body, mind, and Soul—one I'm taking myself. I've never been able to relax and let go like this, and I already feel like I'm starting to live again, or, maybe, beginning to live for the first time on a very new level.
I'm totally committed. I have to give this everything I can muster. This is my only chance to get up and be a worthwhile human being.

The new drugs from Dr. Kozin help ease my back pain a bit, but they make my eyes blurry. Things go out of focus. Spatial relationships shift, with objects appearing closer than they really are and then suddenly appearing to be farther away. As a result, I feel unsteady and look a little drunk when I walk. Given this reaction, I couldn't drive my car even if I had it here with me, so I've hired a service to shuttle me to and from the Pain Center. The black sedan looks like the one that picked me up at the airport years ago and took me to Manhattan for my interview with NBC. It's another reminder of how far I've fallen.

Snap out of it
, I tell myself.
Okay, you've fallen, but you're “getting up” like Morgan begged you to. Cut the self-pity. Don't worry about the past. It's over. Move forward. Be strong. Wage inner peace.
When I give myself pep talks like this I realize that, even though three weeks is a short time, I'm getting somewhere. It's working. I can even feel a different inner chemistry that is soothing, the complete opposite to my usual state of agitation. It's a challenge, but I no longer take my brace or cane to the center. Even with an aching back, I can now walk the full length of the hallway without any assistance from my physical therapist, although I still feel intimidated every time I pass the stairwell and glance at the incline.

PJ has worked me hard in our Physical Therapy sessions, and I've mastered balancing on the ball and can hold alternate arm-leg balances for twenty seconds. This requires being on my hands and knees while maintaining a straight spine, then reaching one arm forward and the opposite leg backward, sort of like a hunting dog pointing at a bird hiding in the brush. It's an extremely challenging balancing posture designed to strengthen the core muscles around my lower back. The first few times I tried it I immediately collapsed. It still takes all the strength I have, and I'm sweating profusely within a few breaths, but I get through it by silently chanting,
I am strong, healthy, calm, and relaxed,
and I feel more empowered every time I hold it a
little bit longer. It's a mental game as well as physical, and there's no doubt in my mind that I couldn't do any of this without the body and mind relaxation and centering I'm learning through
Deep Healing
.

This morning at Physical Therapy, as I gaze up while icing my tender back after a rigorous session, I glance at a large poster I've never noticed before on the wall. It's a photo of a lean, strong, and vibrant woman on a jetty of large boulders at the beach. She's on top of the highest rock, balancing on her tailbone with her arms and legs extended into the air, making her body resemble a perfect V. The poster simply says, “YOGA.” I'm incredulous.
How can she do that?

“Is that a cruel joke?” I ask PJ with a friendly grimace. “Something to remind me of my inadequacies?”

“It's to inspire you,” she replies with a chuckle.

“It'll never happen!” I laugh aloud.

When our session is over, I look at the Yoga poster again. How could anyone have that much strength and balance? Then I walk over to the window and gaze two floors below me to the courtyard between the Pain Center building and the McDonald detox center. I recognize a few of the people who are waiting for the evening Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I know these meetings are powerful and have helped many lost souls reclaim their lives. I slipped into one last week while waiting for my driver to arrive and take me back to the hotel. A young man on the podium was sharing his challenges with the audience, exclaiming, “My mind is a dangerous neighborhood none of you ever want to be caught in.”

My mind was that way not too long ago, even more like a war zone than a bad neighborhood, and I can feel the anguish in the minds of my friends down in the courtyard as they light cigarettes, sip coffee from Styrofoam cups, and stare at the ground. I lift my gaze up to the majestic maple trees surrounding them. A few thrushes, starlings, and sparrows are dancing through the blue sky. I want to call down to my friends and have them open their eyes and look up to see the beauty of life all around them, but I know we're in different worlds. I take a deep breath and whisper to myself, “I am getting up…I am.”