Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality

A
LTHOUGH THE STORIES
I
TELL
in this book are true, in most cases (except where permission was granted) I’ve changed the names and identifying details of the people mentioned. In at least one instance, I’ve created a composite character, based on several relationships and conversations I’ve had. All of this is in the interest of guarding the privacy of friends who do not wish to have their stories made public.

B
Y THE TIME
I
STARTED
high school, two things had become clear to me. One was that I was a Christian. My parents had raised me to be a believer in Jesus, and as I moved toward independence from my family, I knew that I wanted to remain one—that I wanted to trust, love, and obey Christ, who had been crucified and raised from the dead “for us and for our salvation,” as the creed puts it. The second thing was that I was gay. For as long as I could remember, I had been drawn, even as a child, to other males in some vaguely confusing way, and after puberty, I had come to realize that I had a steady, strong, unremitting, exclusive sexual attraction to persons of the same sex.

Since that time of self-discovery, I have struggled week in and week out to know how to live faithfully as a Christian who experiences same-sex attraction. In the most difficult hours of that struggle, I have looked for articles or books to help me. I have searched for things written in the furnace, so to speak, by other gay Christians—books born out of intense personal wrestling with homosexuality, as well as with the demands of the gospel—that I could look to for guidance. I have found dozens, maybe hundreds, of scholarly articles and monographs debating the passages in the Bible that deal with homosexuality. Journals and encyclopedias gave me countless studies of the “psychosomatic,” social, and possible genetic origins of homosexuality. Books of
history and sociology detailed the ways various cultures and time periods have described and dealt with people who experience sexual desire for others of the same sex. But I have never found a book I could resonate with that tries to put into words some of the confusion and sorrow and triumph and grief and joy of the struggle to live faithfully before God, in Christ, with others, as a gay person. This is my attempt to write such a book.
^*
1

My story is very different from other stories told by people wearing the same designation—“homosexual Christian”—that I wear. Many in the church—more so in the mainline denominations than the evangelical ones, though that could soon change—tell stories of “homosexual holiness.” The authors of these narratives profess a deep faith in Christ and claim a powerful experience of the Holy Spirit precisely
in
and
through
their homosexual practice. According to these Christians, their homosexuality is an expression of holiness, a symbol and conduit of God’s grace in their lives.
²
My own story, by contrast, is a story of feeling spiritually hindered rather than helped by my homosexuality. Another way to say it would be to observe that my story testifies to the truth of the position the Christian church has held with almost total unanimity throughout the centuries—namely, that homosexuality was not God’s original creative intention
for humanity, that it is, on the contrary, a tragic sign of human nature and relationships being fractured by sin, and therefore that homosexual practice goes against God’s express will for all human beings, especially those who trust in Christ.

But my story also differs from the one told by many others in the church, primarily evangelical believers. Unlike some, I have never experienced a dramatic, healing reversal of my homosexual desires. In other words, God’s presence in my life has not meant that I have become heterosexual. Like Paul, I have prayed fervently, desperately, tearfully on multiple occasions for God to take away this “thorn in my flesh.” I have listened to Christians who were formerly involved in gay and lesbian relationships testify to experiencing an extraordinary, decisive change in their sexual attractions and a newfound ability to live in normal marriages, free to a large extent from homoerotic inclinations. Chad Thompson, for example, in his book
Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would,
describes a road trip to Colorado with two male friends his own age who, by pouring out a steady stream of affirmation and nonerotic physical affection on Chad, became God’s agents for healing the wounds that were at the root of Chad’s homoerotic desires.
³
Although I don’t want to dispute that this is evidence of the love, grace, and power of God, and without wanting to diminish anyone’s hope in God’s ability to change homosexual desires in this way (for some), I do want to say that this has not been my experience. Nor has it been the experience of many gay and lesbian Christians who are silently struggling to remain faithful as they worship and serve with us, day after day, in the fellowship of the church.

So this book is neither about how to live faithfully as a practicing homosexual person nor about how to live faithfully as a fully healed
or former homosexual man or woman. J. I. Packer, commenting on Paul’s hopeful word for sexual sinners in 1 Corinthians 6:9—11, writes, “With some of the Corinthian Christians, Paul was celebrating the moral empowering of the Holy Spirit in heterosexual terms; with others of the Corinthians, today’s homosexuals are called to prove, live out, and celebrate the moral empowering of the Holy Spirit in homosexual terms.”
⁴
This book is about what it means to do that—how, practically, a nonpracticing but still-desiring homosexual Christian can “prove, live out, and celebrate” the grace of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit
in homosexual terms.

This book is written mainly for those gay Christians who are already convinced that their discipleship to Jesus necessarily commits them to the demanding, costly obedience of choosing not to nurture their homosexual desires, whether through private fantasies or physical relationships with other gay or lesbian people. According to Martin Hallett, himself a homosexual Christian who leads a ministry to gay and lesbian persons in the United Kingdom called True Freedom Trust, “There are probably nearly as many Christians with homosexual feelings who do not believe that homosexual sex is right for Christians as there are those who are advocating its acceptance.”
⁵
He goes on to write:

A friend of mine in Sweden (Erik) is a Lutheran priest who believes in the traditional biblical teaching on sexuality and has homosexual feelings himself. He determined, from the beginning of his call to the ordained ministry, that he would be open about his sexuality at every stage…Ultimately, as more evangelicals make such a public stand, it will seem less costly and will, I believe, have a tremendous impact for the kingdom of God…

[I want to] encourage those leaders in the church who have homosexual feelings but who believe homosexual sex is wrong to be more open. People like Erik…are not a tiny minority in terms of all homosexuals in the church…I wish their voice could be heard, saying that “we believe our homosexuality is part of our value and giftedness to the church, but homosexual sex is a sin.” What a difference this would make to the life, witness, and future of the body of Christ.
⁶

With Hallett and his friend Erik, I want to contribute in some small way to breaking the silence that persists in many churches. It is no secret that a large number of gay Christians feel frightened at the thought of sharing the story of their sexuality with their fellow believers. Those who do bring their struggle to the light often confess that for years they kept it under wraps out of fear and shame. Far from wanting to contribute in any way to this widespread sense of shame, I hope this book may encourage other homosexual Christians to take the risky step of opening up their lives to others in the body of Christ. In so doing, they may find, as I have, by grace, that being known is spiritually healthier than remaining behind closed doors, that the light is better than the darkness.

While writing these reflections, I have often thought of a scene from Richard Attenborough’s
Shadowlands,
a powerful film about the love affair between C. S. Lewis and Joy Davidman. At the very end of the film, Lewis has passed through the worst throes of his grief over Joy’s recent death from cancer. He has held on to his faith in God, but he seems older, more world-weary, and more jaded by easy solutions to what he had earlier termed the “problem of pain.” “I have no answers anymore,” he says, “only
the life I have lived.” In many ways, I feel similarly about what I have written in the pages that follow. At the end of the day, the only “answer” I have to offer to the question of how to live well before God and with others as a homosexual Christian is the life I am trying to live by the power of the gospel.

In my late twenties, I still feel very young and in need of growth, both in my understanding of Christian discipleship and of human sexuality. There are still avenues of possible healing that I want to explore, and I hope to receive more counseling and spiritual direction in the future. But for that reason, because I am still in the midst of an agonizing and confusing period of trying to forge an identity for myself as a Christian who wrestles with homosexuality, I may be able to offer a helpful perspective for others like me who know without a doubt that they want to follow Jesus and who at the same time struggle day in and day out with homosexual desires.

Mainly, then, I am writing as one homosexual Christian for other homosexual Christians. I am writing for those who have grown up feeling like resident aliens and have struggled to know why. I am writing for gay and lesbian Christians who fear what their parents might think when they discover the attractions their sons or daughters have wrestled with for years. I’m writing for those gay and lesbian Christians who married heterosexuals in a last-ditch effort to change their sexual orientation but who find their homosexual desires just as strong today as they ever were before. I have in mind all the gay and lesbian Christians living behind closed doors, desperately wanting to share their deepest secret with the churches they attend but feeling unable to. I am writing for people in their late twenties or even thirties or forties and beyond who, for the first time in their lives, are experiencing the awakening
of homosexual impulses and desires and are scared to death as to what they might mean and how to deal with them. I am writing for gay and lesbian persons who have experienced stinging rejections from Christians but who nevertheless are convinced that God wants them to try to live pure and faithful lives within the flawed and often hurtful community of the church. I am writing for homosexual persons who have tried—and are trying—to “become heterosexual” and are not succeeding and wonder, for the umpteenth time, what exactly it is that God wants them to do.