Watching Amanda (23 page)

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Authors: Janelle Taylor

BOOK: Watching Amanda
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“Just once, right after I heard my aunt telling someone on the phone that William Sedgwick died.”
“What did you do?” Ethan asked.
“Slept upstairs. That's about it. The place was empty. Except then this old lady was here in the morning, cleaning, so I left when I saw her.”
“Did you try to break in again?” Ethan asked.
“I didn't break in,” Kevin snapped. “I have a key.
Had
a key until someone changed the lock.”
“Kevin, did you ever try to hurt Amanda?”
“Who's Amanda?” he asked.
“I'm Amanda,” she said.
Kevin glanced at her. “Oh. No, I've never seen you before. Just your picture.”
“Where were you last night?” Ethan asked.
“My aunt made me sleep over at my grandmother's house. She's like a hundred years old. She lives in Connecticut.”
Ethan knew he'd have to have a talk with Kevin's aunt. But first, he wanted to get the broken window fixed. As Amanda made Kevin something to eat, Ethan grabbed the phone book, then called someone to come replace the broken glass. Luckily, they were open till seven.
As Amanda put Tommy to bed, Kevin gobbled his grilled cheese sandwich and then his eyes began drooping. Amanda led him to the couch, where he fell asleep, then picked up the phone, and called his aunt. The woman was relieved to hear from her; Kevin had been gone all day without a word, and he'd been very upset lately. She was coming to pick him up right away.
As they waited, Ethan realized that everyone in the brownstone at the moment had been dealt a crappy hand when it came to fathers. Ethan's own had never wanted to know him. Amanda's barely acknowledged she'd been born. Kevin's had another life across the country.
Only Tommy's wanted to make good on being a father. Either that, or he wanted Amanda, and Amanda came with their baby.
You can't have her
, he thought angrily.
You don't deserve her.
But he couldn't have her either. And it had nothing to do with Paul Swinwood getting in his way.
It had everything to do with Ethan getting in his own way.
But some people deserved second chances. Whether or not Paul did, Ethan would have to reserve judgment. But Ethan Black didn't deserve a second chance with a wonderful woman and an innocent child.
CHAPTER 23
An hour and a half later, Kevin had left with his aunt, who seemed like a kind, warm person. They talked openly about Kevin's feelings, and the discussion seemed to have a very good effect on Kevin. He'd said that it had been the first time he felt really listened to. That before today, no one really took what he was saying seriously. And for once, a bunch of grown-ups were sitting in a room talking about nothing else but him and the fact that he believed William Sedgwick was his father.
“Amanda said William Sedgwick was a lousy dad anyway,” the boy had said to his aunt during the conversation. “I don't want him to be my dad if he wasn't a good father.”
“Sometimes you just have to accept what you've got and work hard to make sure it doesn't get you down,” Ethan had said. “I never even knew my dad, and I let it make me really bitter. It completely controlled me. And I lost out on a lot. Instead of focusing on what a great mom I had, I focused on what a bad father I had.”
“My mother was great too,” Kevin had said, his expression softening. “She was the best mom in the world.”
“So honor her by focusing on that instead of focusing on your dad,” Ethan said, surprising himself. He felt Amanda's eyes on him, and he met her gaze. “Honor her memory, what a great mom she was. She shouldn't get left out of the picture just because she was good. People tend to do that, right? They focus on what's bad.”
“Yeah,” the boy said, understanding lighting his face.
“And from everything you've said about your aunt—and from meeting her here now,” Ethan said, “it looks to me like she loves you very much and is very happy you're living with her.”
The boy looked at his aunt, who had tears in her eyes. “I didn't mean to act like I wasn't glad I'm living with you. I'm sorry. You've always been so nice to me.”
“I love you, Kevin,” his aunt said, wiping tears from her eyes. She held out her arms.
The boy slumped into his aunt's arms, still hiccoughing a little as he tried to stop crying.
“Why don't we head home, Kev,” his aunt said, her eyes glistening. “I'll make your favorite dessert.”
“Chocolate chip muffins?”
There were nods and then good-byes and then silence as the door shut behind them.
Ethan sat down on the sofa and shook his head. “I feel like that's one kid saved. If his aunt was a different type of person, who knows where Kevin's anger and frustration would have led him.”
Amanda nodded. “You were so good with him. I was so impressed by how easily you were able to speak to him, how you made everything you were trying to say relevant to him so that he'd understand and relate.”
“I've had a lot of practice lately,” Ethan said, Nicky's freckled face coming to mind. He told Amanda about the boy and his father. “I've donated a lot of money to charities and organizations involving kids and teenagers. Sometimes I think about going back to school for a degree in social work or psychology so that I can become a counselor for teens. I'd offer my services for free so that anyone who needed them could benefit. Ah, but school would take years. I'm just talking off the top of my head.”
Amanda smiled. “The years are going to pass whether you go back to school to pursue this new dream or not. So you might as well go back to school, don't you think?”
Ethan turned to face her. “New dream. Huh. I hadn't really thought of it that way. It was always just something in the back of my head.”
“You can make it a reality, Ethan.”
“I hardly think my background qualifies me to do anything now,” Ethan said, the familiar emptiness taking over where moments before he'd felt filled up. “I don't get emotionally involved, I walk away. That doesn't sound like a good counselor to me.”
“Actually, Ethan, it does. Counselors need to keep themselves from getting too emotionally involved or they'd never be able to keep going. And if they didn't walk away, they'd never be able to come back to work every day. That separation seems vital to me. Anyway, you just proved by how you handled Kevin that you've got what it takes.”
“I don't know,” Ethan said. “I'm just talking.”
Amanda smiled. “Talking is a start.”
Tommy began crying, and Amanda headed upstairs to check on him, leaving Ethan alone with his thought. He was grateful when the glass company arrived to fix the broken window. The last thing he wanted was to be alone with his own thoughts. What he needed were some blinders.
 
“Ethan! Ethan come quick!” Amanda called.
Ethan bolted up and raced up the stairs to Amanda's bedroom. She had Tommy in her arms, and a thermometer in one hand.
“He's burning with fever and is so listless! I have to get him to the emergency room right now!” Amanda said, her voice frantic. “He's been so well, so healthy since we've been here.”
In moments they were out the door, in a taxi, and on the way to the nearest hospital, which Amanda had researched before moving into the brownstone. She knew exactly where to tell the driver to go.
Ethan glanced at Tommy. His face was pale, and he eyes were droopy. He was completely lethargic. “This has happened before?”
“He gets terrible ear infections and he's prone to the flu and bronchitis,” Amanda said. “Twice Tommy has been hospitalized for dehydration.”
Ethan was out of his element. He had no idea what to do, what to say, how to make Amanda feel better—how to make Tommy feel better, for that matter.
The taxi came to a stop at the entrance to the emergency room. They raced inside, and Ethan was shocked to learn they'd have to wait before Tommy could be seen. Amanda had to fill out papers, show her insurance card, which she told him was still good through the end of the month.
“Oh God, he's so hot and still!” Amanda cried, touching her hand to Tommy's forehead. “Help us, please,” she beseeched the admitting clerk.
Tommy was rushed inside, and Amanda followed. Ethan waited, pacing up and down until someone asked him to stop. A TV was blaring from its perch up in a high corner and he wanted to shoot the damn thing. He couldn't hear himself think.
Please let Tommy be all right
, he prayed.
Ethan's stomach twisted and sweat broke out on his forehead. For a moment, he felt dizzy, and dropped down on the hard gray chair.
A healthy, vital, pregnant woman isn't supposed to die.
Please let Tommy be okay....
He closed his eyes, burying his face in his hands. He hated being so powerless. But there wasn't a damned thing he could do. The nurse wouldn't let him inside to see how Tommy was doing or to offer Amanda any comfort. The nurse had told him it was going to be a while. That he might as well sit down instead of pacing.
He needed air. He needed to pace in the air.
He stepped outside and gulped in the cold damp December air. He stared up at the sky, feeling the city closing in on him.
This is all your fault. Katherine's dead, our grandchild is dead, because of you, you selfish, greedy bastard....
The last time Ethan had been in a hospital, Katherine's father had screamed those words, then told him to leave, that he wasn't wanted there. And so he'd gone, letting the people who'd loved Katherine, who'd been so excited for their first grandchild, to say their final good-byes.
But he'd known in that hospital that he'd loved her too, that he desperately wanted their baby too.
Too late.
CHAPTER 24
“He's going to be fine,” the doctor told Amanda. “We don't know why babies spike with fever sometimes, but it's coming down now.”
“He's had that so many times,” Amanda said, shaking her head. “It's so hard on his little body.”
The doctor advised her about over-the-counter medication, dehydration, a humidifier, and breathing treatments. Then Amanda was assured she could take Tommy home to care for him. She headed into the waiting room, longing to see Ethan's face. Just the sight of him could make her feel better, could build up her reserves, could give her strength.
But he wasn't there.
Had he left? Had he really left her there alone?
She sat down for a moment on the hard chair, Tommy like a rag doll in her arms. She settled Tommy in his stroller, dropping down the backrest so he could try to sleep, and then she grabbed her cell phone and punched in Paul's cell phone number. He lived just blocks away from the hospital. Hopefully he was home or somewhere nearby.
“I'll be there right away!” he said.
Relief flooded her body. For the first time, someone would be there. Tommy's father would be there.
 
Ethan took another deep breath of the cool air and was about to head inside when he heard his name being called.
He glanced up, and there was Paul Swinwood, heading toward him. “Thank God Tommy's going to be all right.”
Ethan hadn't even known that. “Amanda called you?”
Paul nodded. “She said Tommy's been released and she's free to take him home.”
Relief flooded Ethan's entire body. “I'll make sure they get home safely.”
“She called me,” Paul said. “Look man, I know you've got a job to do, but this is my son, okay? I want to be there for him now. I have to show Amanda that when she needs me I'm there. I've changed. Can you just give us some privacy? Please?”
Ethan looked at the guy. Paul seemed so earnest, so sincere, and his expression was so worried that for a moment Ethan wished he could just walk away and give him time with his family.
His family....
Ethan's stomach twisted. “I'll follow separately. And I'll make myself scarce at the brownstone. You'll tell her that I agreed to give you time to yourselves?”
Paul nodded. “And thanks. I appreciate that.” He extended his hand, and after a second's hesitation, Ethan shook it. Paul then rushed inside, and Ethan headed up to the window on the other side of the entrance and glanced inside. Amanda and Paul were embracing, and Ethan could see how comforted Amanda was. He watched Paul help Amanda with her coat and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. And then Paul wiped away tears from under Amanda's eyes and they embraced again.
Paul took control of the stroller, and Amanda wrapped her hand around his arm and they came out. Ethan stepped aside so Amanda couldn't see him. He watched Paul hail the cab and help Amanda and Tommy in, and then get in himself.
Ethan felt a hollow sense of loss when the taxi left the curb. He quickly hailed another and told the driver to follow the taxi just ahead and that there was an extra tip in it for him if he didn't lose the trail. He was relieved to see that the cab pulled up in front of the brownstone. Paul helped Amanda out, retrieved the stroller from the trunk, and then led her inside.
Ethan entered through the door on the lower level. On his wristwatch screen, he saw Amanda heading up the stairs to her room, Tommy in her arms. He could just make out Paul standing in the kitchen, making a pot of coffee.
Amanda came down in a few minutes and sat down at the table. Paul handed her a cup of coffee. Amanda seemed to be crying; Ethan wasn't sure. Then Paul took the coffee from her hand and held her, then led her into the living room where they sat, on the sofa. Now Ethan was able to see them clearly on the tiny screen.
But there was no talking. Amanda simply sat there and cried, her head resting on Paul's chest, his arms tight around her.
Ethan wanted to scream, wanted to rip Paul away from her.
Wanted Amanda to be happy. And right then, she seemed to have exactly what she needed.
“I'm so, so tired, Paul,” he could hear Amanda say. “I just want to go upstairs and be near Tommy and try to rest.”
“Okay, sweetheart,” Paul said. “Do you want me to come with you? I'll sleep on the floor. I just want to be here for you.”
“That means so much to me, Paul,” she answered. “But I just need to be alone with Tommy right now, okay. I just need to clear my head. I'll call you tomorrow, all right?”
He kissed the top of her head. “Promise?”
“Promise,” she said.
“Okay,” he said, standing. “If you need anything, anything at all, you call me. Okay? Promise me that, too.”
“I will,” she said. “I promise.” She walked him to the door, where they were now to the very edge of the camera's range. “Thank you so much for coming to the hospital, Paul, and for seeing me home. I don't know what I would have done without you.”
“Don't thank me,” he said. “You just get a good night's rest.” He kissed her on the cheek and then left, closing the door behind him. Ethan watched Amanda lock the door, then turn away and head upstairs. She burst into tears at the landing, covering her face with her hands.
He wanted to go to her so badly, but everything inside him told him to let her be alone, not to crowd her, not to be a selfish bastard for once and try to be the white knight when her white knight had already come and gone.
Ethan moved swiftly to the front of the house and peered out the window facing the street. He could just make out Paul getting into a cab. Once the car was gone, Ethan checked the doors and windows and then headed upstairs. He paused in front of Amanda's bedroom, dying to knock, to comfort her, but he forced himself into the white bedroom and gently closed the door.
 
When Amanda came downstairs the next morning, Ethan was awake as usual and online. She said nothing to him.
“How's Tommy?” he asked.
“Do you care?” she tossed back.
“Of course I care!” he said.
“People who care don't just leave emergency room waiting areas while other people are inside, scared out of their minds,” she snapped. “When I came back into the waiting room and you were gone, I never felt so—”
Abandoned,
she finished silently.
And given that my own father abandoned me, and the father of my child abandoned me when I told him I was pregnant, last night hurt worse than anything.
It hurt so much because I'm in love with you.
“Amanda, I stepped outside to get some air,” Ethan said. “I ran into Paul outside and he asked me to give the three of you a little time alone. I thought that's what you wanted, so I did. I told him to tell you I'd follow you home in a separate cab.”
“I thought you didn't trust him,” Amanda said. “I thought he was a suspect. I'm surprised you didn't squeeze into the cab with us. And I don't think you and your whereabouts were first and foremost on Paul's mind when he came into the waiting room. Clearly his son was.”
“Amanda, I really don't want to fight with you, okay?” Ethan said. “I know you're upset and worried about—”
“You don't know anything about how I feel,” Amanda snapped. “And by the way, if Paul wanted to smother me with a pillow, he had ample opportunity last night. I think we can cross him off our list. The way he acted last night was amazing.”
“He's still a suspect. Like everyone else on our list, Amanda. But I'm glad your family is back together. I know how happy that must make you.”
I love you, you jerk!
she wanted to scream.
“Jenny's coming over today to help me out with Tommy,” Amanda said. “I'd appreciate it if you'd let us have some privacy.”
“No problem,” he said.
“Yeah, I didn't expect it would be. You like making yourself scarce.”
“Amanda, I thought I was giving you breathing room last night. I never intended to just disappear.”
“Well, you did,” she said and realized she was about to cry.
I will not stand here and cry in front of him, she thought. I'm worried about my son, I'm emotionally exhausted, and I just need a good long morning with my best friend. I'll be fine.
She blinked back any threat of tears, squared her shoulders, and headed back upstairs.
 
“Oh my God, Amanda!” Jenny whispered. “Why didn't you tell me? I can't believe you've been going through this alone!”
Amanda put her finger to her lips. The last thing she wanted was for Ethan to hear any of this. She and Jenny were sitting in the living room, Amanda on the sofa for her mandated hour, and Jenny on the chair opposite it.
“Do you have any idea who's trying to—God, Amanda, I can't even say it!”
Amanda shook her head. “Ethan has a list of possible suspects, but it could be any of them.”
“You must be so scared,” Jenny said.
“It has been scary, but Ethan's been there the entire time, well except for last night, and—”
“Amanda,” Jenny whispered. “How well do you really know Ethan? I mean, are you absolutely sure you can trust him? What if Ethan's the one who's been trying to hurt you?”
Amanda's stomach clenched. “But what's his motive? He has no motive.”
“Maybe he's up to something,” Jenny said. “I don't know. Maybe he's romancing you to get his hands on your money. Or maybe he's just putting you through hell, and then at the last second on the last day of your month here, he'll turn around and tell the lawyer that you didn't follow all the rules.”
Amanda shook her head. “No, he has no reason to do anything like that.”
“Oh really? You said he owed your father a favor. Maybe he thinks he's doing your father a favor by making sure you don't get the brownstone. Maybe he's pissed off that you and your dad were estranged. Maybe he thinks you shouldn't get anything. Who knows? I'm just asking if you're absolutely sure you can trust him.”
Amanda took a deep breath. “I'm absolutely sure that I can trust Ethan in that regard. I know I don't have the best record when it comes to men, Jenny, but I've gotten to know Ethan. I've seen inside him, even if he thinks he's impenetrable. And he's totally honest—as good as good gets.”
Jenny squeezed her hand. “All right. That's what I wanted to hear. Because that means maybe he's good enough for you.”
Amanda sighed. “What I want doesn't matter, Jen. The minute the thirty days are up, Ethan's going to be hundreds of miles away, in some remote cabin. It's Paul I belong with, Jenny. Paul is Tommy's father. Paul was there last night, when I needed someone most.”
“But do you love Paul?” Jenny asked.
Amanda shrugged. “He's Tommy's father.”
“I know that. But do you love him?”
Amanda glanced up at the painting of the Sedgwicks. What she'd dreamed of her entire life was there in that portrait. A family. Together. But she knew the image in the portrait was false.
“Maybe I just don't know what love is anymore,” Amanda said. “After everything I've been through, maybe how I really feel and what's good for me are all mixed up. Maybe I can't even tell the difference.”
“Amanda, I've known you for a long time. I've been with you through thick and thin. If you can't trust yourself right now, then trust me and trust this: You
do
know how you feel. And how you feel is valid.”
Tommy began crying. Jenny flew upstairs, and Amanda could hear her friend comforting Tommy and offering him a sippy cup.
Ethan could never do that, Amanda thought sadly. He could hardly bear to look at Tommy. It just hurt him too much, reminded him too much of what he lost.
And Tommy deserved more than that.
 
Though he could have listened to the entire exchange by eavesdropping, Ethan wouldn't invade her privacy and simply watched to make sure that no one was creeping in a window or up the stairs. He would take nothing for granted.
He wondered what Amanda said to Jenny. That she was in love with Paul, after all? That after last night, she knew without a doubt which man was the man for her?
He had to let her go. It wasn't fair to her to try and hold on while he was here but planning to leave anyway.
Let her go.
 
Just as Jenny was leaving, Paul arrived bearing flowers and a huge stuffed dinosaur for Tommy.

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