We All Fall Down: The True Story of the 9/11 Surfer (15 page)

A few moments after Mama Buzzelli had warned Louise and Aunt Mima that they would be late if they did not hurry out the door, he sat once again, alone on his couch, and watched people being interviewed on TV: wives, mothers, sons, and fathers. Some were holding pictures of the loved ones they were searching for. As he watched, an overwhelming feeling of guilt struck him. For some incomprehensible reason, Pasquale felt remorse, as if he should have died instead of being lucky enough to get out of that huge pile of debris that so many others had not escaped from.
Surely I could not have been the only one. Surely some others survived the way I did.
He knew that, but the guilt still overwhelmed him as he sat on that couch, completely alone again.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Mourning Zoo Radio

“The phone call to the show and speaking to the woman began to make my heart race again, and I would start to breathe heavily. I did not know at the time, but I was experiencing anxiety. My head would hurt after the phone conversation because of the need to force myself to help those people and provide any assistance I could, even though I wanted to avoid all conversation of what reminded me of the event.”

~ Pasquale Buzzelli

In the days that followed, Pasquale was contacted to be interviewed on the
Scott and Todd Show
on the radio. His initial instinct was to turn them down, as he had no desire to relive the horrors he’d faced just a couple of days earlier. He had already been asked countless times to recount his story, sometimes to complete strangers. He never declined talking to the families of the victims, but he had no desire to talk to the media. Unfortunately, the media were determined to talk to him, and they wanted his story. Though he’d been introduced to the
Scott and Todd Show
by a friend, he was apprehensive of talking to them on live radio. After some consideration, he decided it best to talk with Louise. “Louise, I just…I don’t feel like talking about this,” he said.

“Pasquale, are you kidding me?” Louise exclaimed. “People
need
to hear this! People need to hear of a miracle! They need to know what you went through.”

“I don’t know, Nu.” Pasquale sighed. “I just don’t see the point.”

“I know, Nunu, but you gotta tell them. Your story is so important for the world to know.” Louise could not help but be proud of her husband, and though she would not admit it to him, she wanted to show the world just how special he was.

Seeing his wife’s enthusiasm was all he needed to convince him. Inside though, he still did not want to do it, so he subconsciously decided he would not put his heart into it. Instead, he would talk to Scott and Todd from the comfort of his bed. Getting excited to talk about that day was not a possibility for him, so getting out of bed as if it were some opportunity he was eager to experience had no appeal to him. So, Pasquale did just that. He told his story from the comfort of his very safe bed. This time was different, however, because rather than telling friends and family, he was telling countless strangers. He knew soon into the interview that his initial impulse was right, and he would have been much happier had he not agreed to go through with it.

After the interview was over, a woman called into the
Scott and Todd Show
, begging for information. They listened to her story and decided to call Pasquale to see if he would talk to her.

Despite his reluctance, he knew she was a victim of the cowards who had brought those buildings down, so he agreed to talk with her, albeit privately.

“Hello, Pasquale. My name is Maritza,” she said.

Right away, Pasquale felt a pit in his stomach. He could hear the desperation in her voice, even though she was trying to conceal it.

“I was just wondering what floor you worked on.”

Pasquale hesitated just a second, knowing where the conversation was going even before he answered. “I work...
worked
on the sixty-fourth floor.”

“Oh. I just...well, they have not found my sister, and I thought you might know her.”

At that point, Pasquale was sure he should not have agreed to do the radio interview. He felt ashamed that he had spoken about his own miracle when so many others were desperately searching—or worse, grieving—for their own loved ones who’d last been seen in the Towers. He gave her the names of the people he’d worked with and then listened as she described her sister. He was almost certain he did not know the woman, but when Maritza gave Pasquale her sister’s name there was no doubt left. Pasquale knew he had worked nowhere near her. “Miss, I am so sorry,” Pasquale said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I did not know your sister, but I do know people who worked on that same floor, and they got out alive.”

They continued talking for a few moments. He did his best to console her, but he knew he was helpless to do so. Still, he tried his best to give her answers that even he, himself, didn’t have. Though he felt terrible for her, speaking to that woman made him incredibly uncomfortable, and throughout their conversation, he felt tightness in his chest. His heart began to race and, no matter how hard he tried, he could not catch his breath. It was at that point that Pasquale realized the truth about the position he was in. Just speaking on the phone with that woman and his vain attempt to help her sent him spiraling into a full panic attack. The anxiety he felt overwhelmed him and caused a severe headache.

In spite of his own pain, inside and out, he wanted so badly to help her and everyone like her. He knew how close he had come to joining Maritza’s sister in that cruel fate. It terrified him even more to think how close Louise had come to being just like that woman, desperately searching for her loved one. He wanted to help, but it hurt him so deeply to relive that day that he did not know if he could stand it.

Not long after the
Scott and Todd Show
, the
Help Me Howard
television show on Channel 11 WPIX contacted Pasquale. Like so many others in the answer-hungry media, they wanted to hear his story. He agreed to do the interview, despite his desire not to. He was told countless times that his was a story of hope and that people needed to hear what he and Louise had to say about the events of that day and his survival through it. He could not understand their reasoning.
Hope? How can anyone have hope at a time like this? Their loved ones are dead. How does me talking about surviving help to give them hope?

~ ♦ ~

Howard Thompson played college football at Syracuse University, but after suffering from multiple concussions, he decided to choose another career path. He transferred to Emerson College and received a journalism degree in 1981. He began doing the
Help Me Howard
show in 1995 and, through investigative journalism, sought to help those who could not help themselves. He hoped to make a difference by telling their stories.

In spite of his initial reluctance to deal with the press yet again, Pasquale was impressed by the professionalism and kindness that Howard showed throughout the interview. This stood out so much to Pasquale that when he later looked back on that interview, he decided it was the best one he’d ever done. Even that interview was not without incident though, and that only confirmed Pasquale’s initial thoughts:
There is no point in doing interviews.

After the interview was finished, Pasquale was told it would air on a Thursday. However, when all of Pasquale’s friends and family gathered around the television to watch his first-ever TV appearance, they were disappointed when it didn’t air as scheduled. This left Pasquale feeling frustrated. He hated talking about 9/11, so when he conceded and did so in vain, only for them to later cut the segment that was so difficult for him, he could not help but feel bitter and worried that now people would think he was a liar.

The interview eventually aired the following week, delayed only because Pasquale’s story was deemed just too unbelievable, so the network would not show it until they verified every detail with the FDNY. Because of the insanity that was going on in New York at the time, the Fire Department was understandably slow in verifying the details.

His instinct was to avoid everything that would remind him of what had happened to him just a couple of days before, but he realized that he was not the only one suffering. Those planes may have hit the Twin Towers, but they had blown a hole straight through the heart of all Americans. For that reason, Pasquale felt a strange obligation—a burden he hadn’t asked for.

How can I think about my own pain when I know others were not as lucky as I am?
he thought.
How can I possibly give in to my own pain that comes from surviving when others are feeling the pain that comes with such a great loss?
He was at war with himself, and a heart-wrenching conflict raged inside of him.
Save myself from the pain or help others deal with their own?
The two feelings began tearing him apart.

It had been such a short time since the buildings fell, but at the same time, it felt like a lifetime had passed. He was no longer the Pasquale from September 10, 2001, just as the world was no longer the same as it had been that day. These thoughts ate him from the inside out, but still, he felt he had to present a smiling face to those around him. They needed to see him as the same old smiling Pasquale.
How can I deny them that,
he tortured himself,
when their loved ones were ripped from them by those horrible terrorists?

Inside, he felt a burning. A fire was raging, and his desire for revenge began consuming him. He hated those terrorists, and he wanted them to pay. They had destroyed the Twin Towers, and he wanted nothing more than to destroy them. Try as he might to avoid the thoughts of ripping their heads from their worthless bodies, they still pervaded his mind, and this hatred monopolized his feelings.
As Pasquale thought of this, he glanced at the television and saw the President of the United States of America; he immediately sat up to pay attention.

As he watched George W. Bush at Ground Zero, he felt his spirit swell with pride. The President of the United States, the leader of the free world, not dressed in a suit or trying to give off an air of pomp or self-importance; instead, he was dressed casually, in street clothes. He did not stand on some podium or try to place himself above the fray; instead, he stood in the middle of hell, with his arm around a fire-fighter.

The fire-fighter was an older man; he had a veteran look to him, as if he’d seen it all. He wore a hardhat with the numbers
164
written on it and had a gas mask dangling from his neck. President Bush stood with him like he was an old friend, hugging him as he made what would become known as “the Bullhorn Speech”:
[1]

President Bush:
Thank you all. I want you all to know—it
[the bullhorn]
can’t go any louder—I want you all to know that America today…America today is on bended knee, in prayer for the people whose lives were lost here, for the workers who work here, for the families who mourn. The nation stands with the good people of New York City and New Jersey and Connecticut as we mourn the loss of thousands of our citizens.

Rescue Worker:
I can’t hear you!

President Bush:
I can hear you! I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people…and the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon!

Rescue Workers:
[Chanting]
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

President Bush:
The nation…the nation sends its love and compassion…

Rescue Worker:
God bless America!

President Bush:
…to everybody who is here. Thank you for your hard work. Thank you for makin’ the nation proud, and may God bless America.

Rescue Workers:
[Chanting]
USA! USA! USA! USA!
 

CHAPTER TWENTY

Funeral for a Friend

“Pat and Steve had been at the end of the line, as the group had made its way down the stairs in Tower One. Pat was a good man, a solid family man, and I had the utmost respect for him. I admired his love of life. His motto had been ‘Celebrate each day and work hard and play hard.’ His family came first, though you could see the passion he had for his work. He found time for both in his life. He proved it is possible to truly love your work as a public servant and also afford the time to celebrate and enjoy your family. Steve was also a great man. He and I always talked about family, cooking, and sports. He was the kind of person you could trust and put faith in. You always knew where you stood with him. He had a special way of making you feel comfortable because he had a general calmness about him.”

~ Pasquale Buzzelli

As the days passed and turned to weeks, Pasquale hoped things would get easier; however, they did not. Several weeks after the experience on the
Scott and Todd Show
, Pasquale received a phone call from his good friend Nico.

“Hey, Pasquale. I am sorry to call you so early,” Nico began, then hesitated a moment. “They found Pat’s and Steve’s bodies—”