We Are the Goldens (20 page)

That’s when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Nell?”

I can’t speak.

“What’s wrong?” Felix turns me to face him. “What’s the matter?”

“I need to talk to you.”

He rolls his eyes. “Nell, I told you, we don’t need to do this. Can’t we just forget everything? I was drunk, okay? I was an idiot. Please don’t overanalyze this. Just forget about it, okay?”

“No, it’s not that,” I say, though I don’t much like Felix blaming his confession of love on being drunk. This isn’t how I see it. He’s not an idiot. I don’t want to forget. I want to overanalyze and then think about it some more. About him. About us.

“What, then?”

“We need to go somewhere.”

He looks down the hallway at the students rushing to their classes.

He sighs. “Okay.”

I wish we could go to the Bison Paddock. Sit and watch those steadfast buffalo with lives so dull the very idea that they harbor secrets makes us laugh.
Look at that one
, I’d say to Felix.
She’s having an affair with her teacher, and when he tried breaking things off with her, she told him that she’s pregnant. Look at that one. She was pregnant but she had an abortion and didn’t tell her sister. Look at that one
.…

Layla, you’re desperate enough to do anything to hold on to him, but I don’t believe that any of this is your fault.

It’s his.

He’s done this to you.

We don’t go to the buffalo. I don’t want to leave school because I promised Mom I wouldn’t. We go to the drama section of the library, the most secluded spot on campus, and we sit on the floor. Our knees touch.

“I have to tell you something,” I whisper.

“Right. But I have to warn you, I’m sort of done in. It’s been really hard at home. Dad is barely eating. He’s so weak. I don’t like being the strongest man in the house.”

I think of the Einstein poster again.
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once
. Clearly Einstein wasn’t as smart as people make him out to be.

“Felix.” I take his hand and squeeze it. I want him to see that I can hold both his pain and my own at the same time. And while holding our pain I can also feel the way his skin warms mine. And as I feel his warmth I think, yes, if I didn’t have a lot of time left, if I only had one chance, I would want it to be with him. And it occurs to me that all of this might be what it means to be in love. Real love.

“You are the only person I can trust to tell me what to do. I don’t know what to do. Oh God. I don’t know what to do.” I am shaking.

“Nell,” he says. “I’m here. Take your time. And say whatever it is you need to say.”

I take a deep breath.

SO, LAYLA, THERE’S SOMETHING I
need to tell you.

Don’t be mad.

Please. Please don’t be mad. I hate it when you’re mad at me.

I am only doing this because I love you. Because our lives are intertwined.

I’ve called a family meeting. Tonight. Just you and me and Mom and Dad. The original Goldens. The last time the four of us sat down together was the Christmas of my kindergarten year for
that
talk. We thought there’d be more meetings, about issues big and small. That’s what Mom and Dad said, that things wouldn’t change, but of course they did, because change comes even for those who don’t want it.

“You have to tell them,” Felix said. “They’re your parents.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” He looked at me with such intensity, I wondered if he maybe would lean over and press his lips against mine. “I know you think you have to be perfect for them, but you don’t. You aren’t perfect. Layla isn’t perfect.”

“But …”

“But nothing, Nell.”

“But Mr. B.”

“He’s a Cretan.”

“I thought you loved him.”

He looked at me. It was a stupid thing to say. “I love
you
, Nell.”

He’s said this more times than I can count. Nonchalantly. Just like this. But today it means something more, or something different, and it’s familiar, yet totally and completely new.

“Tell them,” he says. “You have to.”

Felix is right. At the end of the day, despite anything and everything else, all the changes and reincarnations, they’re our parents. We’re their children. They’ll know how to handle it. They’ll protect you. They’ll help you through. That’s what parents do.

They watch out for us. You can’t hide your troubles from the people who watch out for you. You can’t pretend your life is perfect when it’s not. Just look at what happened to the Creed brothers. It’s my job, Layla, to watch out for you. To help you when you need it, even if you don’t know you need the help.

So I’ve called a family meeting.

We’ll sit together, the four of us, Mom and Dad in separate
chairs, we’ll sit on the sofa, though I don’t expect you’ll drape your arm around me or
tap-tap-tap
my shoulder. I won’t look at you, because that can’t come to good. So I’ll look ahead, at Mom, at Dad.

“What is it, honey?” they’ll ask.

“What is this all about?”

And I’ll say, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dana Reinhardt lives in San Francisco with her husband and their two daughters. She is the author of the young adult novels
A Brief Chapter in My Impossible Life
,
Harmless
,
How to Build a House
,
The Things a Brother Knows
,
The Summer I Learned to Fly
, and, for middle-grade readers,
Odessa Again
. Her books have been singled out for many awards and best of the year lists; reviewers have praised her work as “exceptional” and “funny and unforgettable.” Visit her at
danareinhardt.net
.