We Shouldn't and Yet... (18 page)

I don’t know why I’m telling him this. I don’t know this man and it’s not because I’ve had sex with him twice that I should spill all my secrets. He barely delved into his, but somehow having him opening up awakens something in me. It’s like a burning in the deepest recess of my chest, slowly turning to ashes my insides, my veins, everything that I am. Or maybe it’s destroying the shields I’ve put around me. But I don’t know, I don’t understand why I want to tell him. I just do.

“Yann and I had always been very close. We grew up in the same small town, had always been in the same classes. He was like family in a way.’’ I clear my throat when the usual lump I feel whenever I talk about him appears. I straighten my shoulders more. “When we started high school things changed between us from friendship to more. I don’t really know how it happened. It was a gradual thing, I guess. At one point, we kissed and it was a new turn in our relationship and everything was deeper, more important.’’

“Aideen, hey if you don’t want to—‘’

“I never talk about this, Jensen. If you want to know, then just let me say it. If not—‘’

“Of course I want to fucking know. But I don't want it to open up old wounds again.’'

I shake my head and scoff half-heartedly. “I’d need to have healed for them to open
again
. Don’t be fooled, Jensen. I told you once that you don’t have the monopoly on issues and pain. Some of us are just better at hiding how deep that pain and those issues truly run.’’ I take a deep breath, and I close my eyes. Usually, I’d see Yann’s brooding face when talking about him, about that mess, but not this time. Behind my eyelids there’s only a never ending darkness. Around us, there’s only silence broken by the trees moving in the slight wind and mine and Jensen’s breathing. “Yann was a brooding guy. Even when we were kids he was withdrawn, only letting me in. He kept the others at bay. Some thought he was just arrogant, others found him weird. I knew there was something else and I tried to cheer him up. Growing up, I was always trying to cheer him up, to defend him. I was always there.
Always
.’’ I shake my head as my eyes start to prickle. “But obviously, I missed the signs all leading to his death. I was the one always picking up on his moods, always there when he wasn’t feeling good. I was his anchor, you know, keeping him from drifting away.’’

“Hey, you can’t be that to someone else. He had to take care of himself at some point, Aideen.’’

“I know that, but…’’ I put a hand to my chest. “Here, it doesn’t feel that way. I took up the role of being his protector somehow, because I was the strong one of the two of us. God, I knew something bad would happen at some point, I felt it, but still. I didn’t listen when he asked me to go to the community college so we’d be able to live together and still study together. I didn’t listen when he…’’ I trail off. “I just stopped listening as closely as I used to. And he committed suicide. I wasn’t there, Jensen. I was supposed to always be there.’’

He frowns and cups my face in his big hands. They swallow my cheeks in a warm embrace that makes me shiver. “Who was there for you when you needed it?’’

“I was the strong one,’’ I whisper. “I’ve always been strong.’’

He tsks under his breath and kisses my forehead. It’s just a brush of lips against my smooth skin, but it sends more shivers through my body. “That doesn’t mean you don’t need someone too.’’

“He only left a letter. I have all these memories of us together. There’s nothing from my past that doesn’t have him in them. He’s a part of me and he just…left. Without looking back and without a last few words for me.’’

“The letter was for you, wasn’t it?’’

I pull away and stand up, turning my back to him. I rub at my chest, as if I can erase the throbbing pain in there by just rubbing a few times. “It was an explanation and also an apology. I think he knew I’d need a real answer to some of my questions, to some of my hypotheses. Unfortunately, I was right.’’

From behind me I hear him stand up and walk to me. I expect his touch, but it doesn’t come. “Why did he do it?’’

I grit my teeth and clench my fists. “A man from his family who visited a few times a year made him do things to him. He also did awful things to Yann.’’ My voice is choked. Just uttering these words, the first time I’ve said them since that day I’ve read the letter confirming what I thought, what I tried to convince Yann to talk about, to go to the authorities, to talk to his family, to an adult. But that day, with Yann dead and his letter as proof of what he went through from the moment he was five to fourteen years old, I became a storm to be reckoned with. I went straight to his parents and told them everything, but of course his mother wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t let it deter me. No, instead I went to the police and told them everything I knew, everything I suspected. Gave them a copy of the letter Yann left for me. I did everything I could, even if it was way too late.

“Fuck.’’

I nod and hug myself, suddenly chilled to my bones. Even my leather jacket isn’t keeping me warm anymore. “I’ve always known it in a way, but Yann wouldn’t talk about it. He avoided the subject, he pushed me away. He became violent once. Not physically,’’ I add the last part hastily when Jensen starts next to me. “He hit me with his words, but it was to protect himself and his secret.’’

“I hope that sick bastard is behind bars.’’

“Not even.’’ I kick at a rock and a few small logs. “His trial is coming up, but I’m not holding my breath. Apparently the letter and my testimony aren’t doing much for Yann’s case. I’m afraid he did or is going to do this to others, though.’’

Jensen puts a hand to the small of my back. It’s not sensual, not sexual. It’s comforting and it feels good. I lean back to feel more pressure from his palm. “How are things with his parents now?’’

I shrug. “His father is nice, but he keeps out of my way. His mother…His mother hates me. She blames me for Yann’s death, for not being there when he needed me, for not agreeing to stay and move in with him at the community college.’’ I sigh. “I get it, you know. She’s hurt, she’s grieving her only child. And the way things went from bad to hell must be awful. Our small town is a huge gossip mill, so you can imagine what it’s like. Most people think that if I’d been there Yann would still be alive. As if these people ever really cared about Yann before.’’

“I hope you don’t believe that bullshit. He’d have killed himself at another time. This thing was eating away at him, Aideen. You held him up for a long time, but it wouldn’t have been enough.’’

“But I wasn’t there.’’

“Look at me.’’ He forces me to face him by grabbing my hips and turning me to him, my body flush against him, my face tilted up to see him. “Yann was your best friend, your boyfriend, but not your responsibility. He made a choice, Aideen. He made
his
choice, beautiful, and it has nothing to do with you.’’ Jensen says, his words belying his certitude, his strength.

The thing is, Yann left me. He made a choice that didn’t concern me when all I’d ever done was be there for him. Maybe, beyond the guilt, I’m also resenting him for his suicide. Maybe, I’m more selfish than I’ve thought.

“It’s nice hearing these words, but it doesn’t change how I feel.’’

“I know it, beautiful. Fuck, don’t I know it.’’ He pulls me closer and puts his big arms around me, caging me against his huge body as if trying to protect me from the world, maybe also from the toxic and harsh emotions and feelings festering inside me.

“You’ve lost men overseas, haven’t you?’’ I ask quietly against his chest.

He hugs me tighter and puts his face in my hair, his lips brushing my skin just above the neckline of my jacket. “Yeah. They were under my command and…’’ he trails off, his voice thick with unshed emotions. I don’t need to hear anymore to guess where his turmoil is coming from. He has no family left other than Hal and he doesn’t know him, or barely, and he has to live with some of his men’s deaths. Even if he did the right thing over there, casualties happen. I remember my uncle saying that in every mission there’s always a part of unknown and when unlucky, the odds often don’t turn in their favor.

I wrap my arms around his tapered waist, right under his open jacket and fist his t-shirt. “I really want to forget everything now.’’

“I can make us forget everything, beautiful. You know I can.’’

“We shouldn’t.’’ My heart is in my throat, my core is already clenching and my skin comes alive at the thought alone, chasing away the chills of my memories. I need to chase away everything right now. I don’t want to think anymore.

“Only you can stop me, beautiful. The rest can go and fuck itself.’’ His lips move over my skin right on my neck, forming the words deliberately. My flesh erupts into goosebumps and I hold onto him more tightly.

“What about Hal?’’ I ask in a whisper, tilting my head to the side to give him more access, silently asking for his lips on me, for his tongue to taste me. He complies without a word, giving me everything I’m asking for and more in the form of teasing nips that have me ready to fall when my knees start to shake. “Do you know…Forget it.’’ I mumble in a quiet moan when he licks and kisses me below my ear, right where I’m the most responsive.

Jensen steps back but keeps his hands on my hips, his fingers hooked on the loops of my jeans. “He has feelings for you.’’ He grits his teeth and looks away. There’s a flash of anger mixed with guilt on his face, right under that beard of his that is both sexy and very useful for him to hide himself behind.

“You know?’’

He nods and runs a hand over his thick beard, scratching his jaw on the way. “I’m the worst fucker, right? I’m going after the girl my son has feelings for. I actually fucked the girl he’s after. Tell me I’m not bad news now.’’

I cringe, but even then I don’t feel it. I’m supposed to be angry on Hal’s behalf, to be disgusted that a man could go behind his son’s back like this, but I’m not. I want to forget everything and Jensen can do it. I want to be wanted, so wanted that all control has gone out the window and I’ve only known this with Jensen. It’s only Jensen always on my mind, even more than Yann these days. It’s Jensen I crave in a way I’m still unfamiliar with.

“I’m just as bad, then. I only found out today and I still want you.’’

He stops breathing before he lets out a long relieved sigh. “You don't want to be with him?’’

I shake my head. “Not at all.’’

He comes back to me and forces me to walk backward as he takes a hold of both my hands and locks my wrists behind my back. He’s crowding me and I’m letting him lead. “Do you have any idea how crazy you make me?’’ He backs me against his bike, my ass pushing against the slick machine as he tugs on my wrists behind my back until I lower my back slightly. “Do you know how dangerous it is for me to feel this way? I’m losing it with you, beautiful. I’m lost on the very edge of the cliff now and at any time I’m going to fucking jump. You better be ready to jump with me and fall,’’ he growls out before he releases my wrists to grab my hips and bring me on the bike, my legs wide open, my back to the handle bars. He throws his long leg over the saddle and faces me before he grabs me again and sits me over him until I feel his thick erection against the apex of my thighs, pushing against my aching core.

I lose all train of thought. I can’t process his words, the way his eyes seem desperate for me. All that’s on my mind is the way his hands feel on me, the way he’s already so hard, so ready for me. All I want is him inside me. Now. On his bike.

“Jensen,’’ I say in a sigh as we lock our mouths in a deep kiss that shakes me whole.

I grip his head, my fingers weaving through his short hair as his tongue battles with mine in a delicious war that sends my blood into overdrive. I move against him, pushing just enough to feel his cock rub over my clit through our jeans.

“I want to hear you scream my name until you’re hoarse, beautiful, and you’re going to,’’ he says in my mouth as he unzips my jacket and takes it off me, sending it to the dirty ground full of dead leaves, dry sticks of wood, grass, and moss. But I don’t care. All I want is to be naked against him, feel all of him against me, in me. He takes the hem of my top and pushes it up until it’s over my head and it follows my jacket. Only in my bra and in the woods, I shiver. The temperature isn’t as warm as back in town, but the heat in his eyes is enough to make me forget it. My taut nipples push through my sheer white lacy bra and I nibble on my lip, waiting for him to take it off and bring his fingers, his hands, his mouth to them. I push my hips into his and he growls, spurring him on and breaking his perusal of my body.

He unhooks my bra easily and with his teeth nips at the crook of my neck, right where my shoulder meets it. He laves my skin and I throw my head back, holding onto his broad shoulders. He then reaches the strap of my bra and lowers it with his teeth, slowly, letting his lips graze my skin in a tease that makes me gasp.

He hooks his index finger under the other strap and pulls it down until I’m bared to his greedy eyes, my nipples dark pink and begging for his touch, my breasts heavy and full as my chest is already heaving. This man can bring me to the brink with barely a touch and one deep kiss. It’s almost embarrassing. But it makes me forget everything but him.

“You’re perfect, beautiful,’’ he says. “You have no idea what I want to do with you. To you.’’

“Show me, then.’’

He smirks at me, his eyes still on my boobs as he leans down, his hands on my back to support me. I watch him as his kissable lips close in around my left nipple. His tongue peeks out briefly to round my areola and then he bites and I arch up.