We Shouldn't and Yet... (24 page)

“Everything alright?’’

I nod and get down to business, getting very familiar and close to the bottle. “You should go home, Hal.’’ I don’t want him to see this.

“I’ll wait for you. It’s ridiculous to pay for two cabs when we’re going the same way.’’

I shake my head and toss back another glass. Numbness is already starting to gain in on me. That’s good. “I don’t care. Go home.’’

He grabs my shoulder, the bad one, and turns me to face him. His face is somber. In his eyes I see some weariness and also concern. As if I deserve that shit after what I’ve been doing with Aideen. As if I deserve it when all I want is to thrust balls deep in her.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?’’ He glares at me and crosses his arms over his chest, parting his legs as if to show that he’s got all fucking night long waiting for me to say something. But I can’t. I can’t say a goddamn thing to him.

I rub my temple and frown harder. The bar is moving around me, the floor seems far and my tongue is starting to feel bigger in my mouth, but I’m too coherent for the shit storm to ease off in me. I feel like someone snapped something in my chest. And I know I don’t have enough alcohol to keep the nightmares at bay.

I wave at Q, almost hitting the man next to me in the process. Of course, my best buddy has an eye on me. He immediately walks to us and I hand him a fifty. “We’re out.’’

He pushes my hand away without taking the bill. “Wanna talk about it, fucker?’’

I laugh then, almost to tears. People around me start watching, but I don’t give a fuck. Hal comes closer to me, as if worried I’ll keel over. He’s fucking worried. What the fuck is my life, huh? “There’s nothing to say,’’ I slur. “I don’t even know what I feel.’’

Q leans over the bar and gets close to my face so he doesn’t have to yell over the noise made by the patrons. “You have feelings for her. That’s what it is.’’

I straighten up as best I can and wave him off. “You’re fucking wrong, there.’’ I turn around before he says something else and make my way to the door. I stumble and Hal catches me before I face plant in a woman’s cleavage. He apologizes for me, always the good boy, and leads me out.

Once we’re outside and I’m leaning against the wall as we’re waiting for our cab, Hal asks me hesitantly. “Do you…hm… Do you want to talk about it? I mean, we don’t talk much about that kind of thing, but if something from your years in the army, you can—‘’

“I never talk about that shit,’’ I cut him off, snapping harsher than intended. I sigh and rub at my blurred eyes. “Sorry.’’

“It’s fine. Aideen, warned me it could be a sore spot.’’

“Aideen?’’ I can’t fucking help but ask about her. I bring my head back against the wall and groan. Hal cringes and gets out of my way. He probably thinks I’m ready to puke.

“Yeah. You know, with her uncle and all, she knows more than me.’’

I nod and close my eyes. “She’s right. I don’t want to talk about this.’’

“It’s that, then?’’

I snort and shrug. “It’s every-fucking-thing.’’ I turn my head toward him and open my eyes into slits. “I’m fucked up, Hal. You have no idea how much.’’

He brings a hand to my shoulder and pats me, just as awkwardly as I often do to him. “Doesn’t matter, Jensen. You’re family.’’

I’m man enough to say that I’m ready to weep.

***

AIDEEN

I park in the first parking space I find, not that far from my building and turn off the engine. I bring my forehead to the steering wheel for a full minute. I’m beat, but it’s more psychological than physical. The weekend has been tense and filled with silent, disapproving and worried glances from my parents. Epic fail if I have anything to say about it. I’m not eager to go back there, even though by then the motive of their disapproving stares would be gone.

I swallow thickly and grab my keys, purse and the overnight bag I threw on the passenger side. I’m ready to go to bed and forget about everything. I’m postponing this for one more day. Tomorrow will be soon enough to talk to Jensen. And really, I haven’t had an answer to my text and Hal told me this morning that his father disappeared early this morning. I don’t want to know where he is or what he’s doing.

I open the car door, throw my purse and overnight bag on one shoulder and push the button to lock my car. I turn around and freeze. There, standing next to his bike parked close to the building’s entrance is Jensen. All tall, muscular and dark, his attention fixed on me. I shiver and clench just seeing him. I don’t need much more than this. I look away briefly, giving me the opportunity to gather my wits and walk to him. I keep a blank face, my head high. I’m an adult; I need to act like one and face this mess.

Upon closer inspection, he looks pretty tired. There are dark rings and bags under his bloodshot eyes. His cheeks are hidden by a thick beard again and his mouth is not the same kissable mouth I’m used to. Instead, his lips are pursed and turned slightly downward.

“Hey,’’ I say barely above a whisper. My voice has a hard time leaving the tightness in my throat.

“Hey, beautiful,’’ he rasps and goes to grab my overnight bag to help me, but I take a step back before his fingers come into contact with my skin. “It’s going to be like this?’’

“I’m sorry.’’

He sighs and I watch his big chest expand, his muscles pushing against the washed out fabric of his old shirt. “Don’t be.’’ He cocks his head to one side. “It’s over, isn’t it?’’

“It has to be.’’

He nods and looks away, hiding away from my prying eyes. “I thought I’d have more time with you. But you’re right. It’s best that you find a reliable guy.’’

“It’s not about that, Jensen and you know it.’’

“Don’t say his name, beautiful. I don’t want to hate my own fucking son because of this mess.’’ He rubs his temple, fixes me one long moment. “Don’t let the guilt tarnish everything. Just…just think of me as your rebound guy. In the end, that’s what I really am.’’

“You’re not. I don’t know what it was, but it has very little to do with rebound.’’ I take a step closer to him and put a hand on his strong chest. He stops breathing for a couple beats of his heart and then he closes his huge arms around me, pulling me against him. My purse and bag fall to the ground and I don’t pay attention. I let them and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Push me away, Aideen. Now, before I take you upstairs and fuck you again.’’

I whimper against his chest. His lips land on my neck and he starts kissing me there. The rasp of his beard only heightens the touch and I arch my back to better feel him. His hard length pushes against me and I fist his shirt in my hands. “I don’t want to.’’

“Fuck, beautiful. One last time. Give it to me one last damn time,’’ he growls close to my ear, his voice hard yet weakening as we’re both falling into the clutches of lust. Again.

“We shouldn’t.’’

“Right now, I don’t care about the should or shouldn’t shit. I just want you. One. Last. Time.’’

One last time. One last time.

I nod against him and he releases me at once to pick up my purse and bag as I lead us to my apartment. It’s a mistake, but I can’t just sever things without having him one last time. I need his arousing touch, the pleasure he brings inside me to help me forget everything but him, myself and the sensations he’s awakening inside me. That’s all I want right now. Forget and feel.

He closes the door behind him and slowly walks to me as I walk deeper in my apartment. He drops my purse and overnight bag in the hall and grabs my face.

His mouth lands on mine, forceful and desperate. His tongue traces my closed lips and I open up for him on a gasp as he invades my mouth with a delicious stroke of his tongue.

I’m so lost in the kiss I don’t really know how we end up in my bedroom. One of his hands leaves my face to run down my back and lands on my ass pushing me harder into him. I wrap my arms tighter around him, clinging to his shoulders when his hard length pushes right where it feels good and weakens me.

He pulls my top up and over my head in one movement and I’m left in my bra in front of him. My cheeks heat up, but I don’t know if it’s from arousal or the apprehension I always feel upon baring myself to him. He brings both of his hands to my breasts, massaging and toying with my erect nipples pushing through the thin fabric of my lingerie. I bite my lip so as not to cry out. I’m shaking all over, desperate for more, but also conflicted enough to want it to last an eternity fully aware that it’s our last time.

“You have perfect breasts, beautiful. I’d worship your body for days if I could.’’ He leans down and takes a nipple in his hot mouth, dampening the satin of my bra. I arch into him and run a hand in his short hair, pushing him harder into me. He nips my nipple and I moan, undulating into him, trying to seek what I’m craving.

“You’re driving me crazy, Jensen.’’

“Good.’’ He nips my other nipple and straightens up to take off his own shirt, baring his huge chest to my eyes. His muscles are tight, coiled and so well-defined. I don’t ponder it and wrap my arms around his waist and start kissing, licking, tasting his skin. Right under his hot flesh smelling faintly of cologne and whiskey I feel his heart beating hard and fast, but steadily. We’re almost in sync. “Your mouth on me…’’ He groans and grabs my hair on the back of my head and tugs until I tilt it upward. He kisses me hard, almost as if to punish me. My lips hurt, my skin around my mouth starts to hurt as his beard scratches me. “It’s the best balm, the best medicine I’ve ever found.’’

I let my hands wander over his chest. My fingers dip between his tight abs, his pecs. “It’s the same for me, you know,’’ I whisper.

“How are we going to fucking do this, beautiful?’’

I don’t have an answer, I can’t find one. The pain in my chest heightens so I start undoing the buttons on his pants. I want everything to quiet down and most of all, I crave him. It’s not just a need or want. It’s more than that.

He lets me push his pants down until they fall at his feet. He then pushes my hands away, right before I touch his cock. He helps me take off my own clothes and we both quickly throw aside our shoes after we kick off our pants, standing naked in front of each other, drinking each other in to carve a memory of this moment.

He looks powerful with his legs slightly parted, his thick thighs, his narrow waist and amazing abs. His broad shoulders appear strong and unyielding, but I know this man has many demons and a huge weight to shoulder every day. But I don’t see it right now, I only see a gorgeous, rough man with a gorgeous cock standing proudly.

He closes the space between us and crouches a little to take me in his arms, bridal style. I feel petite, like I weigh nothing in his big arms. I gasp and run my fingers over one of his bulging muscles in his arm. He’s a work of art, especially designed for pleasure. And I have him one more time. It’s more than I thought I would after the past weekend, but it’s a lot less than what I want.

He walks to my bed and gently puts me on the mattress, right in the middle. I watch him like a hawk, afraid to miss even a single thing. My heart lurches in my chest when he climbs on the bed and lies over me, taking off most of his weight by holding himself up with his forearm right next to my head, but I still feel him on top of me. I feel his hard cock on my stomach, I feel the few hairs on his thighs brushing against my smooth legs. I feel his hard chest, already heaving against mine, teasing my nipples.

I wrap my arms around him and run a hand down his back, scratching his spine with one of my nails. He bows out a little, his eyes closing as he pushes his hips into mine, his cock teasing my sensitive clit.

I cup his ass and gasp. He puts his forehead against mine and I close my eyes.

“Having you this one last time won’t be enough. I keep wanting you again and again. Being inside you, beautiful…’’ He pulls back a little and I open my eyes, locking them on his troubled ones. “Being inside you is the best feeling I’ve had in what seems like forever. It’s all wrong, but damn if it doesn’t feel fucking right.’’

I shiver as his breathing washes over my feverish skin down my neck. The rasp in his voice is a perfect punch right to my stomach like usual, and I clench down there, eager for him. “You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, Jensen. Ever,’’ I whisper.

His eyes turn feral and his mouth descends on mine. I welcome his tongue in my mouth and I let him lead me. With just that one kiss, deep, wild, with tongues deep inside our mouths, I’m lost to him and nothing else exists.

He moves to one arm and cups my breast. His touch, firm and possessive makes me gasp. Then, he twists my nipple with his big fingers and I moan breathlessly, clutching him tighter as I’m getting wetter. He groans above me and pushes his hips into mine, small movements that tease and tease me again, bringing me closer and closer.

“Jensen.’’

“I know. Fuck, I want to take my time, but I need inside you. Now.’’

I nod and writhe against him, pushing myself against his cock, seeking more of these delicious sensations, wanting another one of his deep groans. He doesn’t disappoint me. He nips my shoulder and starts to push away, but I clutch him tighter, my nails biting into his skin.

“Top drawer. I bought condoms.’’ I’m panting, but I’m also nervous. I bought condoms just before my weekend away, thinking of Jensen and I going through that box in no time. But now…Now I know it’s not going to happen.