Wearing My Halo Tilted (14 page)

Talking again to myself, I said,
I know I don't have to. You could at least open up and say you want me to, dang it.

“It . . . it would mean a lot to me. Quite frankly, I miss you and I've been doing a lot of praying too and I'm sorry for a lot of things. I know it might sound a little mushy but I might as well tell you my heart. I'm just so screwed up right now. I've got nothing else left but to be honest. You're in one place and my kids are someplace else. I've done a good job with our home. But if you could just do me this favor. Let me know if you can't.”

“I respect that,” I said as I heard words from my husband that I hadn't heard in a long time. “I'll do what I can to get there. That's all I can promise.”

“Alright, well, I won't keep you.”

“Okay. Talk to you later,” I said as I was about to hang up.

“Wait, Shari?” he said, before I put down the receiver. “I love you, bye.”

When I heard his phone click, I just held on to my receiver. I couldn't put it down. Those words from my husband sent a shock through my spine, giving me a tingly feeling all over. What was happening? Because of those three little words I was glowing.

I
can't believe I left the last few days of traveling with the play to come home to this. Riding in the car with Dillon to a dinner with the football coaches and their wives was like me riding in a car alone. The only faint sound was that of the Christian radio station playing lightly in the background. I let my husband's words of “I love you” and “I miss you” convince me to get on a plane to be with him for this event and I just felt stupid in doing so.

Lord,
I prayed as I held my head back on the headrest with such frustration,
I thought his words meant something. I thought it was a sign that we were supposed to get back together. I thought Dillon really cared about me, but look at him. Clearly, it isn't this way at all. I put on a new sexy dress, stiletto heels, a new perfume scent, and my hair is the bomb. Nothing's catching his eye. What the heck is up with this, Lord? I think if You don't do something, I think we are seriously through.

In the darkness, I didn't realize I was talking aloud a little. But through the mumbles Dillon couldn't make out what I said. However, he knew by my frustrated tone I wasn't happy.

He asked, “Everything alright?”

Not wanting to start something, but having to be true to what was going on inside me, I voiced, “Those are the first words you've said to me all night.”

It was on from there. He shook his head and then slammed his fist on the leather steering wheel. Scared, I jumped.

“You're the one that's been over there like you don't want anyone to touch you or anything.”

“Where did that come from?” I said, getting comfortable.

As the interstate lightly lit up, the fierce look on my face let him see that I wasn't playing. I wasn't happy. Nor was I going to have him brush this off on me so easily.

“You know what? I don't even want to go there with you, Shari. We got this dinner tonight. I'm not even trying to get frustrated. Let's just drop it.”

“No, no we can't drop it. You told me you missed me. I came all the way here because I thought that—”

“You thought what? You don't think I missed you because I'm not forgetting that there is all this stuff between us?”

“In order for it to work we're gonna have to talk. You don't have to treat me like I'm still on the tour.” Taking my hand I placed it on the back of his neck. “I'm right here, baby. I got dressed up for you and your not even getting turned on. What's up with that?”

“Many nights of being excited, when I thought about my wife, and having to either calm myself down or work it out myself. This ain't Burger King; you can't have it your way, Shari. Nor is it a puppet show. You can't pull the string.”

“Ooh, look at you,” I said, twiddling my fingers up in the air as if he was scaring me with his talk. “What's up with all the analogies? Why can't you just talk to me?”

“Why you makin' such a big deal out of everything?” he said in a louder tone. “We've got problems. The first minute I see you they aren't gonna be solved. That doesn't mean I don't miss you, that doesn't mean I still don't love you. We have much to work out and it's hard for both of us. So let's just drop this until we can talk about it, and don't go—”

Scratching my head with disappointment, I said, “Embarrassing you tonight?”

“Yeah,” he said, not backing down in his tone.

“I don't even know why I bothered, Dillon,” I said harshly as I turned toward the passenger window and wished I was anywhere but in the car with my bullheaded husband.

Twenty minutes later we were in the conference center parking deck, and my husband didn't even help me out of the car. In the day, his chivalry was a huge attraction. Back then he was a first-class gentleman all the way. Now he's merely a jerk. But as soon as he got in the room with his peers and his boss, the brotha' flipped his nice-button switch. Instantly, he became the most attentive husband in America.

Though I smiled and played the same role he did, inside my head was shaking, my eyes were rolling, and my mind was saying how phony this was. Football was cool, and I know that thanks to the sport my bills were paid. But dang, every time these stuffy coaches got together it was the same old conversation. There wasn't anything else. The wives were here this time. I was tired of hearing about the strength of the offense and the weakness of the defense.

When the coaches came up for air from the recruits, the coaches started caucusing about what players were academically enabled. Now it was really boring. So when I noticed no one was paying attention to me, I said, “Excuse me,” and went to the ladies room.

This was a new venue and I was confused about where the restroom was located. My search was taking way too long because it felt like I was about to drip between my legs. Finally, I made it to a restroom on another floor. I opened the door and walked into a wall as I tried to find the switch to turn on the light. My trouble symbolized the icing on the cake for this dreadful evening of mine. Seeing the frustration roll down my cheeks as I finally found the light, I was able to see my mascara doing zigzags underneath my eyelids.

My phone rang loud. The ringing startled me. Yet, I was so happy to see the number of my girlfriend, Josie.

With despair in my voice, I said, “Gosh, I'm glad you called.”

“Shari, what's going on? Why you sounding pitiful and sad?”

“He won't even talk to me,” I said as I leaned up against the bathroom stall door. “I came home because he said he missed me, but that was a sham
.
”

“For real?”

“Yeah, and I think it's the end of our marriage, girl. Dillon just doesn't do anything for me anymore.”

She was not judgmental. I missed my girlfriend. I spent the next five minutes quickly giving her the update because she wouldn't let me off the phone before she asked about my other little friend.

“Bryce is fine, girl. I came so close to giving him some.”

“Shari! I've never heard you talk like that or feel this way for another man,” she said.

“He's just too sexy, Josie, and it doesn't look like I'll be getting busy with my husband, so . . .”

“Whew! I hear you big baller. Just be careful.”

“You're right. I'm taking things slow. Thanks, girl, you got me smiling. Enough about me, what's going on in your household?”

“That's why I called you. I have a sister-in-law working my nerves. Check this out, girl. I let her and her son come and stay when her own brother is completely against it. Now the heifer has the nerve to tell her brother what time I come in.”

“What? She is spying on you. That's crazy.”

Josie went on to tell me that she went skating while her husband was out of town. This wasn't a big deal though, because grooving on wheels was something she often did when he was in town. It was a great way to stay fit and enjoy life.

“Oh, I went off on him, girl. I went off on her butt too; up in my house keeping time on me! I told her look, while she's up in my house she's gonna respect my daggone privacy. If my husband wanna know where I am, he can call me. I got a daggone cell phone, and I don't have no problems telling him the truth. I don't need no watchdog or babysitter.”

She'd told me that they were also paying her sister-in-law to stay there because she was supposed to be watching the kids. Unfortunately, everyday she came up with some excuse as to why she could not watch the kids. To add insult to her mooching, the chick asked Josie to watch her son on weekends while she went to party. Yeah, she needed to be dealt with.

Josie continued, “I can pay for after school care. So she don't have to worry about watching them and stuff. And then she tried to get smart with me, telling me that this is his house too. I told her, ‘Look, her brother ain't the only one paying these bills, my name is on the paperwork just like his. I'm still contributing to this household I was gonna be comfortable in.' And if she didn't understand that, she can have her bags packed and in the daggone streets; she would understand it then. Needless to say, she got her stuff and left. She's looking right now for somewhere to stay. My husband is pissed, but frankly he can follow her.”

“Oh no, girl. I'm sorry.”

“Don't be sorry. I feel relieved. Somebody had to put her in her place. Nobody's gonna walk all over me. I had to stand up. She has such a jealous spirit. Now that she's gone, I may have more in-law drama because, of course, his mom hates me even more. I have no peace of mind.”

We ended our conversation and she gave me hope that I too needed to have backbone. Though I dreaded going back to the table, I was ready to handle the pressure. I guess I'd been in the ladies room longer than my husband thought was proper. Immediately upon my return to the group, I got the evil eye from Dillon. I really didn't care.

To add more intensity, silence accompanied us on the ride home as well. In the darkness of the night, my husband didn't try at all to work things out with me. So as he slept, I got online and made plane reservations to leave for the West Coast. I smiled after I got confirmation that I'd be on the first plane out to San Francisco, getting to finish the last three play dates.

 

 

The next day I prayed on the long plane ride,
“Lord, is it the right thing that I'm going back out to this tour to finish what I started. Something's telling me it's a little more. There's something missing. Keep me from harm's way like I know You can. I do pray for my husband. He needs to be more real. The lifestyle I see him lead, it just doesn't match one you intend for a godly husband. And my girls are perfect ladies. My mom did want me to spend a little time with them before I took off again. I love them a lot, Lord, and one good thing about my time away is now I realize just how blessed I am to have them. Thank You for that. Thank You for making me see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty. I don't feel so negative anymore. I wanna get it right so much lately, that I've tried too hard and I'm basically getting it wrong. I want to follow Your lead from now on, Lord, and I can't see my world without You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.”

The next two days the Lord led me to just do my part. I stayed connected to Him through prayer. Selling books out front and being in my room writing was what my time consisted of.

I did run into Bryce once, but kept walking. He called my phone a couple of times, but his phone calls didn't get returned. I hoped the brotha' would get the message. And I had hoped I knew what I was doing, because a whole other part of me wanted to call him quickly and tell him how much he'd been on my mind. But that was the weaker side, the side I was leaving now. The Holy Spirit gave me strength to abstain from dialing his digits and I was excited about that. Both of us were still married and until both situations were dealt with, there was nothing else we could do that would be pleasing in God's way.

We had one more night to go before the whole play tour was over, I was pretty much home free from my feelings running wild and getting myself into deep trouble. Staying away from Bryce proved to be the right thing to do when a lady came up to my table after the finale and went on for about ten minutes on what my book had done for her life.

“I moved out of my shacking up situation because of this book, girl.”

“Really?” I said, a little shocked that she had just picked up and moved out.

“Your book clearly told me that I wasn't doing it God's way. Fornication isn't His will. Ever since I went on my own, it's like my world stopped dying. Now that he wants me back I don't even know if he's the one. He couldn't see it when I was there so why should I think he really changed? Girl, give me a hug, you changed my life!” the lady said in an exciting way.

Mel came up to me after she walked away, and said, “Lots of folks have been telling us your book has been blessing them. Everybody's been asking when the next one is going to drop. You are large, girl.”

“No, no, no,” I said humbly.

“Yeah, you're getting bigger and bigger!” he said. “Oh, I talked to your girl.”

“Who, my agent?”

“Agent, publicist, manager, whatever you want to call Ms. Tina. She tried to get a hold of you yesterday or something, but you jetted on all of us to head home.”

“What? What's going on?”

“Naw, you sold almost one hundred thousand copies on this tour.”

“What? Now I know I didn't sell that many books.”

“Okay, you're right. You didn't. You sold more like two hundred thousand copies. While you were on the tour, books have been flying off the bookstore shelves.” I clutched my heart. “This is big right. Well, let's go celebrate. It's time to escort you into the finale cast party.”

“No, I wasn't in the cast,” I said as Mel put his arm around me, trying to lead me to the temptation of being with Bryce.

I knew as soon as I saw him, I'd go crazy. I'd want to be with him. However, Mel did not take no for an answer though.

“You are a part of this tour. Cast and crew alike.”

While going to the cast party, I had to be around a whole bunch of drunk folks. It was interesting to me, even though they were doing a gospel play, most of their lifestyles were far from that of Christ. But how could I talk? I'd been flirting with everything I had, but he was a married man and I was a married woman. I couldn't judge anybody. We're all on the wrong path. But I couldn't think completely then. My flesh was leading and my spirit was stronger. I told him again that I wasn't going as he persisted.