Wedded to War (10 page)

Even if Caleb had been right, she suspected there was truth to what Dr. Markoe said, as well. All nursing candidates had, indeed, stepped out of formation the moment they had applied for the training. But if they were to get much further in this male domain, they would have to tread lightly and watch their step.

And Charlotte would have to watch her tongue.

P
hineas Hastings couldn’t help humming to himself as his carriage rumbled along Fifth Avenue toward the Waverlys’ four-story brownstone on Sixteenth Street. A dozen crimson roses lay on the red leather bench next to him, releasing their sweet fragrance with every jolt and bump over the cobblestones. He had had his doubts about courting Charlotte before, but today his mind was made up. She was beautiful, refined, wealthy, real “upper crust.” She was everything he needed.

Phineas pulled his gold watch from his vest pocket and checked the time. Three forty-five. Perfect. Just enough time to pick up Charlotte and get to Central Park for the most popular carriage-riding hour.

He rubbed his thumb over the inscription on the watch’s back.
P.J.H.
His father’s initials, as well as his own. It was his only link to his father since he’d gone to California during the gold rush of 1849. It was supposed to be pawned if Phineas and his mother ever needed money
while his father was gone, but neither Phineas nor his mother could part with it, even when they were getting by on flour and water. Even though his father had never come back, they survived without him. Phineas went from boy to man overnight when he realized it was up to him to take care of himself and his mother. He had done it, too.

His mother had been ready to move into the poorhouse, but Phineas had refused.

“I can take care you,” he’d told her.

And she laughed. “Go on, now! You’re just a boy, you couldn’t possibly!”

But he had. Though it meant working, selling, borrowing, and begging, he had proven her wrong. They had survived, and now they thrived. Thank God that old life was behind them.

Phineas slipped the watch back into his pocket and patted it. His own mother may not have believed in him, but Charlotte did, and that was all that mattered now. A wife on his arm was the only hole he had to fill before achieving the full respect of his peers. It was time. It was past time.

The brass knocker sounded on the front door, jolting Charlotte awake. She was two weeks into her training course at New York Hospital, and though she would never admit it to her mother, she was exhausted. Leaving every morning at six o’clock, arriving home at five in the afternoon, and still keeping up with her music and French lessons was wearing her down. She hurried to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face while Jane answered the door.

When she emerged, there was Phineas at the end of the hallway, his tall figure silhouetted by the sunlight behind him. In one hand, he held his hat by the brim, in the other elbow lay a bouquet of roses.

“Phineas, thank you!” She bent over the roses and inhaled their fragrance before handing them to Jane. “I only wish I were half as fresh as those roses.”

He smiled and took her hand in his. “Nonsense! ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate …’”

She nodded in appreciation. “Speaking of a summer’s day, I can’t wait to get out in it.”

“Your wish is my command. How about a ride through Central Park?”

“Perfect.” Whether he wanted to go to show off his horses or to enjoy nature in the heart of the city, she didn’t care. All that mattered to her was that she could sit down in the carriage, feel the warmth of the sun, and try for a fleeting moment to let the sights and sounds of the hospital recede to the back of her mind.

They stepped outside to a sky of robin’s egg blue. Charlotte tipped her white-fringed parasol to the side and lifted her face to the sun, closed her eyes and let the golden warmth wash over her.

“I bet your mother would be appalled if she peeked out her window right now,” teased Phineas.

“But of course!” Charlotte chuckled. “Anything that might bring some color to my skin, she’s against.”

“And anything she is against, you are for. Am I right?”

Her eyes widened as Phineas helped her into the carriage. “It’s not my intention to constantly be at odds with her, you know. But you’re right, there are many things upon which we disagree. Little things, like the importance of a pale complexion, and big things, too.”

“Such as your hospital training.” He clucked to his horses and the carriage lurched forward in obedience.

“Such as my hospital training. Yes, exactly.”

“Don’t be too hard on her for not wanting you to subject yourself to all the rumors. I don’t like to think of your name being slandered, either.”

“Fiddlesticks. I don’t care what people say. I know the truth, and so does she, and so do you. My motives are pure. I just want to help.”

He patted her hand the way a father would console a child. “Of course, dear. We all do.”

She closed her eyes for a moment and listened to the clip-clopping of the horses’ hooves, steady, predictable, comforting.

“Phineas.” Charlotte turned to face him. “Why haven’t you enlisted?”

He cleared his throat. “New York doesn’t need any more fighting men. We’ve already sent more than any other state in the Union.”

She nodded, but the answer didn’t resonate with her. The W.C.A.R. had been inundated with applicants for the nursing slots, and that hadn’t stopped her from pursuing it anyway.

“Well then, how are you helping?” She hoped the question sounded merely curious, not accusatory.

Phineas stared at her. “Excuse me?”

“You said we all want to help, and I think you’re right—I’m going to be a nurse, Alice and Mother are organizing supplies, and I was just wondering if you want to help, what are you doing? For the cause?”

A moment passed, and a shadow darkened his face.

“Too many questions?” Charlotte said quietly. When he still said nothing, she plunged ahead. “Dr. Markoe told me that asking men questions shows that I don’t trust them. I’m sorry if that’s how I came across. I just wanted to know.”

“Wise man.” Phineas turned his gaze to the road. “You already know how I feel about the cause. Everyone does—I’m one of the most outspoken abolitionists in the city. If I stir people’s hearts for the cause of freedom, if I move them to action to defend liberty and preserve the Union, isn’t that enough? I daresay it is. Passion fuels the fight, Charlotte, and I ignite that passion.”

“Of course you are right, Phineas. You are an inspiration to all of us.” She settled back into the seat and stared straight ahead.

They fell silent as they entered the park at the southeast corner and followed the drive around the pond and through lush green grounds. It was a small slice of Eden tucked within an ever-expanding city.

Phineas slowed his horses down to rest under a canopy of maple leaves and turned to face Charlotte.

“We’re stopping?” She looked around.

“Charlotte.” Phineas doffed his hat and began turning it in slow circles in his hands. “I want to talk to you about—where we are going.”

Ah, so this would be the day. He had her full attention now, but she could imagine what he would say. She had gotten this far with other men before, but never beyond it.

“Charlotte,” he began again. “You are the most exquisite woman I’ve ever met. You’re beautiful without trying to be. You’re graceful in every movement you make—every tilt of the chin, every turn of your head, every lift of your hand. Every word that falls from your lips is like music. Every step you take is like a choreographed dance. I am completely bewitched. You have cast a spell over me—one that I never want to be broken.”

In spite of herself, Charlotte found that her heart was beating faster as he gripped her hands in his.

“Would you do me the honor—that is, would you consider allowing me to provide for you, protect you, and care for you as my wife? I would be the happiest man alive.” He opened a small blue box labeled TIFFANY & Co. to reveal a gold ring with a sapphire circled with diamonds.

Charlotte closed her eyes and looked for a vision of the future he was offering to her. For a moment, she considered saying yes. But her conscience would not allow her to accept without telling him her secret.

She sighed. “Phineas. You have been very good to me. I know that if I were your wife, I would want for nothing, for you would provide for my every need, even my every want.”

He nodded, but she could tell he was concerned. This wasn’t the one-word answer he had been hoping for.

“But I’m afraid I would not be able to give you everything
you
want—what a man deserves to have from his wife.”

“What?” Phineas dropped her hands and picked up his hat again, spinning it around and around in his hands. “Whatever do you mean? I would require nothing of you, nothing at all. The responsibility to provide would be all mine! When my father died, I performed my duty
to provide for my mother until her passing, God rest her soul, and I long to provide for my wife. Please, let it be you.”

“I don’t know how to put this delicately.” Charlotte bit her lip and willed her voice to be steady. She should be able to do this, she had done it before. “I can’t give you—children.”

He sat back, staring at her as if she had just spoken a foreign language.

“Children?” he finally said.

“I can’t have them.”

“You don’t want them?”

“No! I
want
them Phineas, I can’t have them. My body never—” She searched the sky. How could she tell a man she had never had a menstrual cycle? “My body is not—equipped—it seems, to bear children.”

Phineas shook his head. As she watched his face, she could almost see him conjuring up a picture of home and hearth without any babies to rock to sleep or toddlers to bounce on his knee. No child to adore. No daughter to give away in marriage, no son to carry on the family name. No one wanted that.

He would dismiss her now, as every other suitor had.

“Is that all?” He half-laughed the question.

Charlotte’s mouth fell open but no sound came out.

“I can do without children, darling. I can’t do without you.”

His voice was smooth, his words hypnotic. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. In ten years of courting, not one had come remotely close.

“You still want me?” She was incredulous.

“More than ever. Surely you see the depth of my feeling for you now. Be my wife, let me prove it to you for the rest of your life.”

A fleeting image of Caleb’s face flashed in her mind.
Don’t lead Mr. Hastings on if he’s not the right one for you
, he had said. But he hadn’t said, “Choose me.”
Write to me
, he had said. But he hadn’t said, “I want you to be mine.” No, he had walked away. He wasn’t here. If she didn’t accept Phineas’s offer, another one might never come along. She was
four years past the age of spinsterhood. Did she truly want to be unmarried forever?

“You’re sure you still want me?” she asked again.

“I’ve already told you I do! But if you need to hear it again, yes, I want you, and I’ll tell you every day as long as we both shall live. I’ll give you whatever you want before you even realize you want it. You’ll never have to work again.” He slid closer to her on the bench.

“I don’t really work now.”

“Oh be serious! You are working your delicate hands to the bone at the hospital every day.” Phineas reached out to touch one of her hands, but she tucked them in the folds of her skirt.

“This is what I want to do, Phineas.” She looked him directly in the eyes. “For the first time in my life, I feel as though I may actually have some value to other people. Not for what I look like but for what I do. I am a part of something bigger than myself, saving lives that have been offered to keep our country together!”

“I have tried to be understanding about this new obsession of yours. As a single woman, I imagine you have seen this as an interesting diversion—although a rather morbid one, I must say—to fill up your time.”

Charlotte’s heart rate quickened at the insult. “This is no game for me, Phineas! I’m not just filling up time. Our country is at war and I want to help win it! I
want
to be a nurse. Don’t you see? This is something I have to do.”

His brow furrowed. “No wife of mine will be around other men and their frustrated
desires.
I wish you would give this up. With me as your husband, you could have a future ahead of you.”

Charlotte lifted her chin and pressed her lips together. “I have always had a future ahead of me, Phineas, whether or not it included marriage. A woman’s life is not wasted just because she is unmarried. At least, not unless she spends all of it trying to secure a husband.”

Phineas’s eyes darted about him. “Calm down.”

“I can be calm about a great many things, Phineas, but not this.”