Wednesday (15 page)

We have to wait and see.

It’s the worse night of my life.
For so many reasons.

The next morning, I’m finally able
to go in and see him. He looks frail without his permanent scowl and I find
that I miss it terribly. But when he comes to, his eyes still hold so much
intensity, so much fight.

He reaches for me and I feel like a
ten-year-old kid looking to my Dad for strength, but knowing I have to be the
one to provide it this time.

I sit there with him for hours
while he drifts in and out of sleep, terrified I’m not the right person for the
job.

Later, I head out for a quick shower
and to grab my computer, deciding to set up shop at the hospital. Still, I feel
antsy all day, like I’m forgetting something.

It’s not until that evening that I
realize I’ve missed my time with Caden. I hope he wasn’t waiting long.

The next day I don’t make it
either. Dad’s stable and the doctors say his recovery is looking promising, but
he’ll be in the hospital for at least a few weeks. They also want me to
consider moving him to an assisted living facility.

I just hope I don’t have to be the
person to suggest it.

Dad wakes up and strains to talk, still
as ornery as ever, the old bastard. When the words don’t come, he gives up and
points to the TV. I have to laugh at his tenacity and hell, I’m glad he’s still
angry. It’s probably the best thing for him.

“Sure, Pops.” I get up and take the
remote to turn it to his program. “I’ve got it.”

A little bit later we’ll eat lunch
together and I’ll give him updates on the business. The muscles in his face
don’t always cooperate, but his eyes tell me he understands.

Afternoons are meant for naps and
therapy; evenings consist of dinner and more TV. We spend the first week with
this routine and I’m not sure how much more of it I can take.

If the situation with my dad wasn’t
enough, I’ve watched the drama with Alex and Aria play out on the local news,
and even some of the sports networks. Where, in the past, I would’ve done
everything in my power to avoid seeing it, I welcome it now. It’s confirmation
that my inclination to end this thing with Ari was the right thing to do. Alex
wants her back and that’s that. This time, I’m confronting the situation head
on. Unfortunately, Cade’s in the picture, and knowing I’m losing him too is
almost too much to handle.

Still, I manage to do just that.

I resume my teaching role and get
on a schedule. I even get back to my projects, making plans for the future. My
proposals are out and I’m working every connection. It’s only a matter of time
before something pops.

But, in the meantime, there’s
someone in particular who I need to see.

After Alex’s visit,
the world goes to hell. Rumors about my family spread far and wide, and
photographs of Caden and Alex are everywhere. And that’s when I hire the
nastiest and most successful attorney in all of Florida. With no divorce in the
works, turns out I have access to a shit-pot of money and Mr. Fischer will work
for free until we reach a settlement.

Of course, I don’t care one bit for
the money. But I will do whatever it takes to protect my kid. So if Alex wants
a fight, he’ll damn sure get one.

Now, if only I could take control
of the situation with Tris. But with him, there’s so many emotions tangled up
in it, I can’t think straight. He’s changed everything.

You know when you see an accident
or something really disturbing, you can’t unsee it. The image is burned in your
brain forever. It’s the same with relationships – good, or bad, you can’t undo
them. It’s there in a file with all the memories, threatening to be recalled at
any moment.

And that’s how it is with Tris.

Three Wednesdays have come and
gone, and it is the most hollow, somber feeling as they pass each week. Neither
of us has tried to contact each other; it was pretty clear where things were
headed the last time we were together. So why go through an awful break-up
scene? That was the beauty of our arrangement. We didn’t owe each other an
answer; we didn’t owe each other anything.

Still, those memories (the Tristan
files) open at the most unexpected times. When I take Cade out for ice cream,
or when I’m studying in the commons, even during Downton Abbey. They sneak up
on me, crushing reminders of something I no longer have.

The trouble is, I didn’t know that
kind of love existed. But it does and I can’t unsee it. I know.

It was so much better when I
didn’t.

Cade knows I’m sad. He is too. We
both lost something precious, but we hold onto each other like always. As long
as I have him, I’ll be okay.

There is one thing that does make
me feel better when the Tristan file opens. My volunteer work at the hospital.
And a special crotchety old patient.

It turns out, the volunteer program
is part of Intro to Nursing, so I get hands-on experience and credit for my
work. Not to mention my aversion to blood and gore is slowly fading. I even
watched a blood draw last week.

“Hi, Mr. Green.” I pour him a glass
of water and pull a chair up to the bed.

His eyes say hello.

Mom told me about his stroke and I
tried to get in touch with Tris, but he wouldn’t take my calls. Not that I
expected him to.

Pauly, however, seems to like me
here. I do most of the talking, but he still communicates with me. With his
eyes, a word here and there, a funny gesture, or a nod. He especially likes
when I talk about Tris. It breaks me a little each time I do, but it’s what
Pauly needs right now. So I give it to him.

And that has to mean something.
Like maybe, some day, I just might be good at this.

Back to my old
routine, I walk by the diner in the afternoon. There on the bench are two of my
favorite people: Cade and Amelia. It’s just like I hoped. Our days are numbered
and I can’t stand the thought of missing the few visits we have left.

“Tristan.” Amelia wraps me in a
hug. “I was so sorry to hear about Paul. How’s he doing?”

“As well as can be expected,” I
tell her. “Unfortunately, it looks like he’s going to need more care, so I’m
checking out facilities.”

“Are you sad, T?” Cade asks.

“A little bit, buddy.”

“Mommy is too,” he says and there’s
a squeeze deep in my chest. “She visits your daddy sometimes.”

“Aria’s volunteering at the
hospital,” Amelia explains.

“Good for her.”

“Do you want to go to the park,
Tris?” Cade asks.

“You know,” I tell him. “I think I
could really use that.”

***

Time with the kid is exactly what
the doctor ordered. But when we come back, Aria’s waiting, juggling four
grocery bags.

“Using my kid as a chick magnet?” she
asks as she sets the bags down on the bench. I think she somehow knows I can’t handle
her kindness right now.

“You know it.”

“Well, you better work fast,” she
says. “This little man’s going to be awfully busy in the fall and won’t have
time for your mischief.”

“I don’t think I’m going to be here
come fall, anyway,” I tell her, knowing she will most likely be gone by then as
well. At least according to the news.

“What about Pauly?” she asks.

“I’m close to accepting an offer on
his business, and now that he’s going into assisted living, there’s no reason
for me to stick around.” It’s what I’ve been telling myself, even though Heddy
says differently. She has the delusion that my dad needs me and that he’s
better with me around.  

“Oh.” It’s all Aria says.

“It’s time to get back to my real
job in California.”

“Sure,” she says. “Yeah, I think
you should.”

“I am,” I say, feeling the heat
burn behind my words.

“Good,” she replies.

“Fine.”

“Fine. I’m sure you’ll be able to
make arrangements with the women out there for any day of the week your heart
desires.”

“Nice, Aria.” Damn, even now she
can’t resist sticking it to me.

“What?” she asks. “That’s all you
ever really wanted, right?”

 “If you believe that, then I was
doing something really wrong the past few months.” This is bullshit and I’m not
going to let her reduce what we had into something sleazy.

“What are you saying, Tris?”

“Forget it.”

“Right, just like you wanted.”

“Whatever,” I say, so incredibly
irritated that I lose all communication skills.

“Okay, well, I better get these
bags up to the apartment.”

Then she leaves, and I feel my
heart shatter with each step.

Seeing Tris with
Cade again is more than I can take. And now he’s moving? I don’t know whether
to be pissed at him and his stupid proposal, or pissed at myself for not
fighting hard enough to keep him.

Cautiously, I grab the bags.
Tristan watches me, I can feel him.

“I’m going up, Mom.” I let her know
so she can watch Cade. Though they did suspiciously back away once Tris and I
started talking.

“Here, let me help,” Tris says,
catching up to me.   

He reaches for a bag and his warm
scent floods my space and I can’t think for a moment. I also can’t let him help
me anymore, it hurts too much. So I keep walking, refusing to acknowledge him.

“Will you stop and let me carry
that for you?” He’s on the heels of my feet.

“No,” I call over my shoulder.

He closes in.

 “Jesus, back off.” I nudge him with
my hip.

Tris follows me up to the apartment
and has his chance at the stupid bags when I set them down and riffle through
my purse for the key. There’s no keeping him out when I open the door.

“Why do you have to be so tough,
Ari?” he asks, bringing the groceries into the kitchen.

“Because I’ve had to be, Tris. I
didn’t have help in Iowa. I was on my own, and once I came to terms with that,
it was fine. I was okay. And now, I’m starting all over again. I let you in.
And once again when things got rough, you couldn’t listen. You couldn’t have
faith in me.”

“I wonder why I’m this way,” he
fires back. “You should ask yourself. Dig deep, Aria. You did this to me. You
broke me.”

“And I’m sorry for that,” I say.
“But I had a baby to think about. And I owed it to him, even to Alex, to try to
be a family. I wanted you then, so much. But Cade has to come first. Always.”

“He does.” Tris closes his eyes,
like he’s trying to fight something. “I know you think I can’t understand
because I don’t have a kid. But I get it, and I would do the same thing. You
know, when I would take him to the park in the afternoon, I would pretend he
was mine. God, how pathetic is that?”

“I’ve actually wished for that.” My
voice is caught on a sob. “I’ve wished for that so many times.”

He holds me then, and I get lost. The
Tris memory file breaks wide open now as the last few months with him flash in
my head. Our time at the beach house, the library, behind the diner. The
thought of him touching me makes my knees weak. His rough and commanding hands;
his soft and soothing touch; his frantic pace that could turn achingly slow on a
dime. Always a mess of contradictions.

 But it’s the time in between that
steals my heart: eating Chinese food in bed; studying together; bringing Cade
to the park. All those tiny fragments of life that seem uneventful or ordinary.

Until they’re gone.

I’d do anything for ordinary again.

Sobbing harder now, because I know
in my heart I’ll never find what we had together, I pull away. It’s too much to
take in and Tris’s comfort only makes it more difficult.

But he doesn’t leave. He stays with
me.

When I finally settle down, I expect
Tris to go running. Instead, he asks me a question.

“Wait a minute,” he says. “Can I
ask you something?”

“Okay.”

“Cade told me that you’ve been
visiting my
dad
.”

“I’m volunteering at the hospital,”
I say.

“But why spend time with
him
?”
Tris pulls his brows together and fixes his eyes on mine. “He was never
particularly nice to you. And even now, after all that’s happened, he’s still
an ass most of the time.”

“I know,” I say, happy for the
change in subject. “I don’t mind. I guess I understand him now. Being left
alone with a child – like your mom did to him and like Alex did to me – hurts
in a way I can’t even describe. And you can resent it, like Paul did, and
become bitter. Or, you can realize it was for the best, and choose not to feel
sorry for yourself and instead feel sorry for the person who took off. Because
they’re left with nothing; they are the people missing out. And the sad thing
is, they don’t even realize it. Spending time with your dad reminds me to be
thankful for all I have. I’m actually pretty lucky.”

“It’s too bad he’s never thought
like that,” Tris says.

“I think he does now,” I tell him,
hoping he’s really listening this time. “I think he brought you back home for a
reason.”

I really let Aria’s
words sink in, allowing myself to feel every emotion. Her words cut to the
bone, and I know she’s right. About Dad and our relationship. It’s possibly one
of the most intense conversations I’ve ever had because whatever happens here –
how we decide to leave things today – will determine my future.

And I’ve never felt more strongly
than I do now that Ari and Cade are it for me. They’re all I’ve ever wanted and
everything I was afraid to hope for.

The fight or flight response that
I’ve become so accustom to kicks in, and for once, I choose fight.

“I think you were brought back home
for a reason too, Aria,” I say. “And it wasn’t just for a summer at home. This
is where you belong. This is where Cade belongs.”