Welcome to Braggsville
Read Welcome to Braggsville Online
Authors: T. Geronimo Johnson
For all the Louis Changs,
from my parents
Meet the New World, same as the Old World.
Appendix 1: Sexicon (The Glossary for the Rest of Us)
To be likened? The moon'll tell. Might not a listen, might not a like it, but it'll tell if you can. Give yourself in a jar. Cleave a tomato. Pick the seeds clean. With your mouth, now. Leave it sit for three days behind that rank of elfinwood yon. A palm of milk and enough honey to feel right and rub it back up in there real good. Sleep on your left side. The moon'll tell you, in sooth, but you might not like it, even if you be likened. You can bathe at the river, can't you? But dam it? Tell me, now, what good be a pond with no fish? You seen Bragg. Recollect.
âNanny Tag
D
'aron the Daring, Derring, Derring-do, stealing base, christened D'aron Little May Davenport, DD to Nana, initials smothered in Southern-fried kisses, dat Wigga D who like Jay Z aw-ite, who's down, Scots-Irish it is, D'aron because you're brave says Dad, No, D'aron because your daddy's daddy was David and then there was mines who was named Aaron, Doo-doo after cousin Quint blew thirty-six months in vo-tech on a straight-arm bid and they cruised out to Little Gorge glugging Green Grenades and read three years' worth of birthday cards, Little Mays when he hit those three homers in the Pee Wee playoff, Dookie according to his aunt Boo (spiteful she was, misery indeed loves company), Mr. Hanky when they discovered he TIVOed
Battlestar Galactica,
Faggot when he hugged John Meer in third grade, Faggot again when he drew hearts on everyone's Valentine's Day cards in fourth grade, Dim Ding-Dong when he undressed in the wrong dressing room because he daren't venture into the dark end of the gym, Philadelphia Freedom when he was caught clicking heels to that song (Tony thought he was clever with that one), Mr. Davenport when he won the school's debate contest in eighth grade, Faggot again when he won the school's debate contest in eighth grade, Faggot again more times than he cared to remember, especially the summer he returned from
Chicago sporting a new Midwest accent, harder on the vowels and consonants alike, but sociable, played well with others that accent did, Faggot again when he cried at the end of
WALL-E,
Donut Hole when he started to swell in ninth grade, Donut Black Hole when he continued to put on weight in tenth grade (Tony thought he was really clever with that one), Buttercup when they caught him gardening, Hippie when he stopped hunting, Faggot again when he became a vegetarian and started wearing a
MEAT IS MURDER
pin (Oh yeah, why you craving mine then?), Faggot again when he broke down in class over being called Faggot, Sissy after that, whispered, smothered in sniggers almost hidden, Ron-Ron by the high school debate team coach because he danced like a cross between Morrissey and some fat old black guy (WTF?) in some old-ass show called
What's Happening!!,
Brainiac when he aced the PSATs for his region, Turd Nerd when he aced the PSATs for his region, Turd Nerd when he hung with Jo-Jo and the Black Bruiser, D'ron Da'ron, D'aron, sweet simple Daron the first few minutes of the first class of the first day of college. Am I pronouncing that correctly? Yes, ma'am, Daron it is. What about this apostrophe, this light-headed comma? Feel free to correct me. Oh no, ma'am. Ignore that. It's all one word, ma'am. No need to call me ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
A
S WAS EXPECTED OF VALEDICTORIANS,
he had spoken of choices, though not his personal choices. His desk
was
stuffed tighter than a turducken with acceptance letters, but to list those would have been smug and boastful when most classmates were going to State or to stay. He instead pontificated on abstract opportunities to be grabbed, snatched out of the air like so many feathers, of the choices life extended to those who dared dream, of new worlds awaiting, of hopes to be fulfilled and expectations met, of how they would go forth and put B-ville, GA, squarely on the map. Never mind that it was ninety-two degrees, never mind that they could drink the
air, never mind that, as Nana used to say, it was so greatly humid a cat wouldn't stretch its neck to lick its own juniors, he carried on about wishing over dandelions, and their delicate floating spores, and how they multiplied, superstitions taking seed even without beliefâwhere he had heard that he couldn't recallâand explained that our eyes move when we dream, and, lastly, with a smile, advised the audience to, Always use sunscreen. His parting blow: an open invitation to visit him at
My future alma mater,
until then unknown to his father. Teachers applauded vigorously; peers clapped listlessly, more with relief than appreciation, but they didn't understand, and that was why he was glad to be leaving. He stepped from the podium a free man, at long last deaf to their tongues, and later thanked with aplomb the classmate who sidled up to the smoking steel drum and congratulated him on his engagement.
O
f course there were the Bulldogs or the Yellow Jackets or the Panthers, or even the Tigers. And after a week as a Golden Bear, he wondered if one of those might have been a better choice. Long accustomed to the teacher calling on him after his classmates proffered their feeble responses, D'aron sat in the front row but never raised his hand. He was not called on to moderate disputes, to weigh in on disagreements, to sagely settle debates. He was not called on at all, even when the subject in American History turned to the South, a topic on which he considered himself an expert, being the only Southerner in the class. (Not even when D'aron resorted to what the prof called a Horshack show.) The professor rationalized his reluctance to call on D'aron on such occasions as a resistance to
essentializing.
Said resistance D'aron found puzzling, and said affliction he apparently had developed no resistance to, constantly provoking the professor to ask, Am I the only Jew? Mika the only black? You the only Southerner? If the professor said he was Jewish, well, D'aron would take his word for it. Mika, though, was obviously the only black in class, and D'aron the only Southerner. Wasn't he essentially Southern? Wasn't that the core of his being, his essence, as it were? At least that was how he felt now that he was in California.
He held doors for the tender gender and all elders.
Thank you
and
Please
and
May I
adorned every conversation.
Ma'am
was an escape artist extraordinaire, often slipping out midsentence. Professors wagged their fingers, but even the one who claimed it aged her, Only slightly less subtly but just as permanently as gravity, appeared at moments to relish this memento of a bygone era, this sole American who, like foreign students and athletes, recognized the instructors as ultimate authorities, approaching their bunkers as shrines bearing cookies and other gifts in outstretched hands, like a farmer leaving a peck of apples or a pair of just-plucked broilers at his lawyer's back door.
Sir
he could utter without censure.
Yet this inbred politeness was not what set him apart. Every student at Berkeleyâall 36,142, he believedâplayed an instrument or a sport or volunteered for a social justice venture or possessed some obscure and rare talent. Or all four. Students raised in tents in Zimbabwe by field anthropologists and twin sisters who earned pilot's licenses at age fifteen and Olympians from as far afield as Norway. One student athlete, a track star, upon being asked, Are you considered fast in your country? smiled charitably, I am the fastest.
And the Asian students, he'd once confessed awe-stricken during a phone conversation with his mother, Some of the Asians, well, I shouldn't say some when they are a majority, but some of the Asian students speak multiple languagesâmore than a Holy Rollerâlanguages I didn't even know existed. Kaya, in Calc Two, for example, is half-Korean but raised in Malaysia. She speaks Korean like her mom, Chinese like her dad, Malay like her cousins at home, and is already in French Two and Spanish Three. Does she even speak English? He sighed. Don't fret, honey. You earned the right to be there and you'll do fine DD baby. Don't fret. He murmured his thanks, reluctant to admit, let alone explain, that his distressed aspiration bespoke not lamentation but yearning. Kaya! Kaya mesmerized him, sitting in the basement commons study sessions twirling her hair around her pen as she wrote notes in Korean
and IMed in English and tweeted in Malay, all while conjugating the subjonctif, her bare knees pressed together to balance a laptop surely hot to the touch.
D
ON'T FRET, HIS MOM WOULD REPEAT
after his long silences. He didn't.
He didn't
fret
. Nor did he
reckon
. Or
figure
. Or
git
. Or study. Having followed his favorite cousin Quint's advice and picked a school more than a day's drive from home, he found the freedom intoxicating. If his parents could see him Monday mornings: tongue a rabbit's tail, stiff and bristly, D'aron not knowing whether to feel pride or shame. They guessed at it, though, after reading his midterm report. His mother, Are you sick, honey? His father, in the background, With alcohol poisoning maybe. (Following that call, D'aron changed his mailing address to the dorm.) But he didn't yet regret his decision to go westward-ho!
When he'd left home back in August to start school, Quint warned, Don't go ABBA or Tiny Dancer! Huh? Don't get gay. Don't get roofied and get made gay, either. Or, ho-mo-sex-u-al.