Welcome to Envy Park (15 page)

"Nothing," he said against the
inside of my elbow. "Just let it happen."

No kidding. I was all for it. But
Ethan was—and ugh, it figured, how frustrating—on his own clock on
this. I wanted his hands impossibly everywhere all at once but he
liked to linger, pressing his palms and fingers and staying
wherever for agonizingly long.

After an eternity, or really like
five or ten minutes later, I couldn't help it, and let out a
frustrated, "Now, damn it."

"We have all night."

"No, we have the next thirty
seconds. I'm going to—just—now—"

"But after this, we do it my
way."

"Explain what that means
later."

Later, there would be more talking. I would
apologize, and listen, and by all means do this in whatever pace he
wanted. But now there was this. He obliged, backing off long enough
to do the responsible thing. By the time he returned he had dropped
his restraint, and rocked into me with the urgency that matched
mine.

This. Yes, exactly what I needed. Wanted. This had
to be in my life every day. Was that greedy? Unreasonable?

At a crucial moment, I was faced with whiny
whimpering or biting down on his shoulder. I do not regret what I
ended up doing; seriously doubted I would have gotten that tortured
happy groan from him any other way.

Overall, one of my better impulse decisions.
Although not that impulsive, really, not when I'd had weeks to
think about this, imagine this, wonder what it would be like to do
this, feel this.

And then, later, we were both still. Or it was me, I
was still, finally.

"What's your way again?" I asked,
trying to catch my breath.

"Never mind," he said. "You’ve
convinced me."

-/\/\/\-

So I had a dream, and in my dream
Roxie was dressed like a bride. The wedding dress was a bit tacky,
but it wasn’t like I could tell her that, on her special
day.

She gave me a hug and kissed my
cheek and thanked me for "taking one for the team."

And then a blue fairy flew between
us and said, "Your ovaries are no longer bonded. Ovaries
schmovaries!"

-/\/\/\-

"How long was I asleep?" I asked
the man behind me, whose face was nuzzling the space between my
shoulder blades.

"You were asleep?" he said. "I was
just talking to you a minute ago."

"Oh. Microdream I guess. It was
the weirdest thing."

He had made it up to my neck and I
shivered happily, arching my back against him, pretending to want
warmth. "What did you dream about?" he asked.

"Fairies and ovaries. You don't
want to know. Were we talking about something?"

"I just wanted to know if this was
one of those one-time things or could we get to do this again
tomorrow."

Our fingers touched, tangled. I
was already in the middle of it, and yet I couldn't wait for what
was in store the next day. "Of course. Sure. Tomorrow, Wednesday,
Thursday, let me add you to my schedule."

It was the right answer. He
laughed softly into my ear and pulled me closer, and I knew that
"again" was going to be in ten minutes, tops. "Just checking.
Because we did talk about not doing some things again."

"Hmm?" I feigned ignorance.
"What's that? What annoying mature thing did we agree to do? Do you
remember? I don't."

"Moira." He pulled me toward him
even closer, if that was possible. "They told me not to renew my
lease."

Shit. Something inside my throat
twisted and turned. "When did they tell you?"

"Yesterday."

"Damn it, Ethan, really." I rolled
to my other side so I could face him. "Two weeks then? Or
less?"

And then he was kissing my mouth
again, the perfect distraction apparently. "I don't know," he
admitted. "I find out when they start scheduling my air
travel."

"I don't want to talk about it
right now."

"We have to talk about it
sometime."

"I know. Stop it. Let's talk about
it tomorrow."

Chapter 20

He left near eight a.m. but as far as I was concerned
it was still in the middle of the night. He said something about
locking up, what I could have for breakfast, did I want to have
lunch somewhere, and I just muttered nonsense as if I understood it
all.

When I woke up and made it back up
to my own place to shower and change, I saw that he had sent me a
text:
See you tonight.

Yes I would. Already looking forward to it.

When I headed down to get something to eat, I saw JM
at his usual smoking spot. I hung back for a few seconds, not sure
if I should approach. It was just enough time to notice that he was
holding on to a lit cigarette, but was not bringing it to his
mouth.

"Hi," I said, waving.

He nodded me over. "Hi," he
said.

"You don’t actually
smoke."

"Not anymore. Diet and
all."

"But you’re getting secondhand
smoke here every day."

"One step at a time." This
particular stick had burned almost all the way through, and he
tossed it. "I’m really sorry about yesterday, Moira."

"Don’t be. It’s funny."

"It’s just—I have a really bad
habit of getting into complicated relationships, and I thought...I
don’t know. You’re single. I’m single."

I almost laughed in his face at this, because it
seemed like the absolutely worst thing to say when proposing a
relationship. But then again, wasn’t that essentially my own
epiphany, and what led to my most interesting night? So I didn’t
laugh.

"Do you really like her?" I
asked.

That surprised him.
"What?"

"Sarah." No point in being
coy.

"Yeah, that’s
complicated."

"And starting something with me
isn’t going to make that go away." First of all it was bad news to
hook up with people
who lived in the same
building
but I suspected he already knew
this. "The fact that she’s married and has a kid, that won’t
change."

He shook his head at the cigarette
butt on the ground, like he was chastising it. "I know that. I told
you, I have an entire history of complicated hookups, just like
that one. I was hoping to break the cycle."

"Oh I don’t know if I would have
been any simpler," I said.

"I don’t know. I have some crazy
exes."

I promised him then that as a friend I wasn’t going
to try to be a crazy ex. That was my good deed for the day.

-/\/\/\-

Ethan dropped by 10J to pick me up so we could head
out to dinner and was still there an hour later.

"We should go out now," I said for
the nth time. "I’m starving."

Technically he wouldn’t have been
able to get up because I had him pinned to the couch for the better
part of the hour, but that was just nitpicking. He raised himself
up by the elbows and tried to catch my mouth in a kiss again.
"
You
need to put
some clothes on."

"You weren’t complaining
earlier."

"Only because we have to go out. I
don’t want you to starve."

A few minutes later I was decently
clothed and we were having dinner at a
tapsilog
place.

"So," I said, "Do we talk about
this now?"

He shifted, shrugged, sighed a
little. "I’m actually trying to stall them now. There’s some
paperwork, reports that have to be written about the project...they
were probably thinking I’d do them when I got to San Francisco but
I’ve said that I want to write them while I’m here."

"Will that actually buy you some
time?"

"I don’t think so."

"Well I got the job. Kylene
emailed. It’s mine if I want it."

"I knew you’d get it."

"Thank you. I got the Thailand job
too."

One side of his mouth registered a
smile. It was crooked and knowing. "Of course you did."

"But that might take a few months.
I could actually do both."

"Unemployed no longer. We should
celebrate."

"We’ve been celebrating since last
night. You just didn’t know why."

"So you’re likely going to be here
until..."

"July or August. Unless Thailand
absolutely can’t wait."

He reached for my hand across the
table and that kind of floored me a little. "I’m entitled to home
leave. I can probably do that in July, when it’s summer there and
everyone’s out."

"Long-distance relationship?
That’s what you’re suggesting?"

"What’s your
alternative?"

"I don’t know," I said. "It just
seems wrong to ask you to not, um,
explore
your options where you’ll
be."

"Because you intend to do that
where
you’ll
be,
right?"

To his credit it wasn’t accusing
or resentful. This was an actual adult conversation about adult
things. "Yes," I said. "I do think about that. It’s going to
happen, unless you plan to live under a rock while working there. I
don’t want to require you to live under a rock, nor do I want to be
asked to do that."

"So you’re against the
long-distance thing."

"I’m not
against
it, I’m just...I really
don’t know. It’s a new thing. On top of everything we’re going to
be adjusting to, once we move and all. I’m sure you’ve thought
about this." He did break up with his girlfriend precisely because
he knew he was moving. I on the other hand knew this on the basis
of
been there done that
.

"So we’ve settled nothing right
now," he said.

"What do you want to
‘settle’?"

"Scenarios. We can plan to visit
each other..."

"That’s sweet. Like we’re in an
animated movie musical, with rainbows."

"It’s not that crazy. We can visit
each other, and synchronize home visits here..."

It
was
sweet, and I was sincerely
touched, just watching him talk like this. Like we had a chance.
"Ethan," I said, interrupting him. "I think the bigger question
here is we have to figure out why we’re choosing to go where we’re
going. And if
this
, you and me, if this fits and doesn’t ruin what we have
planned, then we try to make it work."

"But I don’t have an answer for
that," he said. "I got this job because it was offered. I didn’t
plan it."

"Well it’s your plan now," I said.
"So yeah. Figure out where we fit into that and let me know. Until
then let’s just take a break from talking about it."

The table between us was on the wide side but he
sort of launched himself over it so he could kiss me, and that was
one upside to asking him not to talk, I guessed.

Later, I finally got to try his shower.

Easily the best shower of my life.

-/\/\/\-

"Moira?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you awake?"

"I am now."

"I was thinking about what I said
to you."

"Huh? You said a lot of
things."

"I’m sorry. I don’t really think
you just want to get laid."

"You didn’t actually say that
though. And I know."

"I hope you’re not here because
you’re feeling sorry for me."

"Why would I do that?"

"My family, they’re more emotional
about things. My sister has probably told you about all the things
I’ve missed out on because I don’t do grand gestures."

"I didn’t ask for any."

"It’s not that you did. In general
I mean. But it’s not that tragic, really. Nothing in my life is
sad. I haven’t lost anything I can’t live without."

"I had a fight with
Roxie."

"When?"

"A few days ago. I
didn’t...anyway. I meant to say, I get it. The way people reacted
to me leaving Singapore, it was like I was dumping a boyfriend who
was really nice to me.
Why now? Why not
give it another year?
But you know when
it’s not for you, and it’s not that sad really. People will
interpret that the way they want to though. Roxie thinks I’m
lonely, and that’s why I’m here. And why I’m bumming around in
pajamas all day."

"Are you lonely?"

"I told her that she’s wrong, but
I don’t know. Roxie’s a smart person. Maybe she knows something I
don’t. Do you feel lonely?"

"It’s not that I’m a monster. I’ve
been told that I have no feelings. It hurts, things suck. But it’s
not tragic."

"You don’t have to explain
that."

"And Ashley told me that you said
you never really dated him."

"JM. He’s just a neighbor. No, a
friend. Of course I didn’t."