Westward the Dream (32 page)

“I didn't want you to leave me here,” Victoria began. “You know that.” Kiernan nodded and she continued. “I felt so alone. I've felt that way for a long, long time. I know it's because I can't give you a child. You made it clear to me when we discussed this on the night of the dance that you felt less love for me because of it.”

“I never said that. Those were yar own words, not mine.”

“Yes, I know they were, but they held an element of truth that you could not deny. If you could, you would have done it that night.” She held up her hand as he started to speak. “No, please hear me out. We've been silent for much too long.”

She took a seat on the opposite side of the table and folded her trembling hands in front of her. “Mr. Thorndike apparently realized how lonely I felt. He preyed on that, but in truth, I did nothing to stop him. I enjoyed the attention. I enjoyed that someone cared about me and wanted to know my feelings and thoughts.”

“Ya know very well I care for ya, but that wasn't enough for ya, was it?” Kiernan asked sarcastically. He still wasn't certain that she was not about to admit some form of infidelity, and the thought both enraged him and broke his heart at the same time.

Victoria sighed. “Just saying the words isn't enough, Kiernan. You cannot deny there were walls, thick walls separating us. I wanted attention from you, but you refused to give it.”

“I was never allowed to give it. Ya can't deny that ya started pushin' me away a long time back.”

“You took yourself away more than I pushed,” Victoria countered, her voice now edged with anger. “I suppose you see all of this as my fault. You become absorbed in feelings of guilt and inadequacy and then run off and leave me for weeks on end while trying to find the elusive golden dream. Then you come back, and without more than a handful of words between us, take me to your bed, being sure to leave before first light. I felt like a mistress more than a wife.”

“Is that the role you took with Thorndike as well?”

“How dare you!” Victoria declared. “I might have encouraged his attention at one time, but just as a friend. When he began pushing for more, I dealt with that and told him to stay away from me. I reminded him that I was a married woman, and even if my husband was absent most of the time, I would still honor my marriage vows. But I suppose you don't believe me.”

“Apparently
he
didn't believe you.”

“That's not fair!”

Victoria crossed her arms and stared at Kiernan in silence. Her face betrayed her misery, but Kiernan also saw something else. Regret.

“I did not allow Thorndike to take liberties with me, if that is what you are worried about. His attempt to kiss me today was as far as he ever overstepped the lines. He sent me gifts and flowers, most of which I returned, and he sought out my company whenever he found me in town alone. That is all. We talked, we shared a luncheon, and I penned him a letter telling him that I desired for him to leave me alone. He came here today to convince me otherwise.”

Kiernan watched as she closed her eyes and the tears began again. They streamed from beneath dark, sooty lashes and trailed down her cheeks. His heart grew tender toward her, and he knew he'd be an utter fool if he didn't believe her. And in that moment God gave him a kind of peace. She had done nothing to compromise their marriage. He was certain of this.

“I'm sorry, Kiernan,” she whispered. “Please forgive me for my indiscretion. I know it was wrong to be flattered by Thorndike's attention. I know it was wrong to share conversations with him that should have been shared with you. I'm so sorry.” She buried her face in her hands and wept again in earnest.

Kiernan slowly got up from the table and went around it to take hold of her, praying with each move that she would not reject him as he so rightly deserved. As he wrapped his arms around her he nearly sagged with relief that she stood up and returned the gesture.

“Oh, my darlin',” he said softly.

“I know it isn't right,” she sobbed. “I can't give you a child and you deserve to have a wife who can. It hurts so much to see other women and their children and know that what should be such a simple thing for me to accomplish is beyond my means.”

“I'll admit,” he said, hoping it was the right thing to do, “that I'm disappointed we have no children. But if God is the one to be givin' them, then I can't see ya blamin' yarself for somethin' ya have no control over. I know I don't blame ya.”

Victoria shook her head against him. “Perhaps God is punishing us.”

“And why would He be punishin' us?”

“I don't know. There must be something we've done—something I've done.”

“Now, don't be takin' on so,” Kiernan said firmly. He urged her to look at him by lifting her chin ever so gently with his fingers. “I went through such ideas meself, and they do no good. I can't see God workin' that way. Perhaps we need to be patient and realize that it simply isn't our time.”

“But it may never be our time,” Victoria replied. “Maybe I should just go back east when Anna and Ted leave. Maybe I should seek out a solicitor to make arrangements so that you . . . so that we—” She burst into tears anew.

“Is that what ya want?” Kiernan asked, his heart breaking at the thought that she would actually divorce him.

“No,” she cried and buried her face against his neck.

He tightened his arms around her. “And neither do I, so don't be talkin' such nonsense again.”

She raised her head, sniffing back tears. “Then you'll forgive me?”

“Victoria,” he said her name like a sigh, “I will always be forgivin' ya whatever ya ask. Will ya do the same for me? Will ya forgive me for puttin' ya off and leavin' ya to fend for yarself?”

She nodded. “Oh yes! I love you. It's always been only you.”

He smiled, his own eyes filling with moisture. “ 'Tis a good thing, then, for I'm feelin' the same.” He lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her with all of the longing he felt deep inside. Her lips were soft and warm, eager for his kiss. She melted against him, her hands reaching up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He tightened his hold on her, desperate at the thought that he could have lost her.

Without warning, Victoria pulled away, pushing at his chest. Kiernan stared at her in surprised disappointment. “What now?”

“Why are you here?” she suddenly questioned. “I mean, when did you get back in town?”

Kiernan laughed so hard at this that he dropped his hold on her. “The railroad is at a standstill. Didn't the Judahs tell ya that?”

“I remember something about it, but I didn't expect it to include you.”

He reached out to take her in his arms again. “Well, it does. I don't have to be back to work until the matter is settled.” He reached up and pulled out the combs that held her hair in place. “And what about yarself? Do ya have to be goin' to see Anna just now?”

Victoria's eyes widened in surprise. “Kiernan O'Connor! I'm shocked at your behavior.”

In one fluid motion he lifted her in his arms and grinned. “I've missed ya, Mrs. O'Connor. I'm hopin' ya feel the same.”

Victoria wrapped her arms around his neck. “Anna can wait,” she murmured simply. It was all the encouragement Kiernan needed.

34

Victoria was excited and pleased at the prospect of spending an evening with Anna and Ted. Kiernan had come home with the invitation earlier in the week, and the anticipation of having some affair to attend completely delighted Victoria.

She had taken great care to dress for the occasion, hoping—even praying—that Kiernan would be especially pleased. Her feelings for him were stronger than ever in light of their recent reconciliation. She felt confident again, as if there was nothing she could not face with Kiernan at her side.

They walked arm in arm to the Judahs' that night, a slight chill to the September air causing Victoria to lean closer to her husband for warmth.

“Ya look quite lovely,” Kiernan told her as he bent his head to her ear. “I do believe ya favor that shade of blue.”

Victoria felt a tingling sensation of pleasure run down her spine. “Why, thank you for saying so, Mr. O'Connor.”

He laughed and started to say something else but realized they had already come to Anna and Ted's house. He knocked on the door while Victoria reached up to make certain her bonnet was straight.

A rather sedate Ted Judah met them at the door. “Come in,” he said in welcome. “We've been looking forward to this evening.”

“So have we,” Kiernan replied.

Victoria followed the men into the front sitting room, where Ted took charge of Kiernan's hat and Victoria's bonnet. It was only a moment before Anna appeared, embraced Victoria, and bid Kiernan welcome.

“Please have a seat. There's something we wish to tell you,” Anna said in a rather subdued tone.

Victoria glanced at Kiernan, then nodded. Kiernan had already mentioned that there was a strong possibility of Ted resigning from the Central Pacific board, and Victoria wondered if that was what they wished to announce.

Ted returned and stood beside the chair where Anna was sitting. “We thought to wait on our announcement until after dinner,” he began, “but then we decided perhaps it would be kinder to put aside unpleasantness first.”

“Unpleasantness?” Victoria questioned.

“I'm afraid it is unpleasant for us,” Anna replied.

“I have resigned my position with the CP,” Ted stated without further ado. “I have sold my stock and am even now making the final arrangements for Anna and me to return to Greenfield.”

“Massachusetts?” Victoria asked in stunned disbelief.

“Yes,” Anna replied, nodding. “My old home.”

“But for how long?”

“For good.” Anna's voice was resigned and marked with sorrow.

“But why would ya be handin' it all over to the others?” Kiernan asked.

“Because they've lost sight of the dream,” Ted replied. “Or they never had sight of the same dream I did. Huntington, Stanford, Hopkins, and Crocker have gone forward with establishing the Dutch Flat and Donner Lake Wagon Road Company.”

“Aye. I know.”

“They are focused on what can be accomplished on a small scale, while I am dreaming of that feat which can be accomplished on a much grander one.”

“But is that reason enough to give up the dream?” Kiernan asked.

Ted sighed and Anna reached up to pat his hand. “It's no longer Ted's dream.”

Li came to announce dinner and Victoria fought to keep back her tears. “It won't be the same without you here,” she told Anna as they stood to go into dinner.

“Perhaps not, but maybe something even better will come your way. Maybe someone will come to take my place.”

For the first time in months, Victoria remembered her mother's letter announcing the arrival of Kiernan's younger sibling. She now thought of Caitlan's arrival in California along with Victoria's own brother and sister. It panicked her for a moment. She had become so self-absorbed in her own problems that she'd entirely forgotten the letter she'd hidden away in her baby quilt.

The evening was clearly spoiled by the sorrowful news of the Judahs' departure. And added to this was Victoria's guilt over having kept from Kiernan the news of his sister's coming. She had hoped to keep him from worrying about their whereabouts, especially in light of the fact that her mother had sent no further word of their plans. Now she knew she must tell Kiernan at the first opportunity. There could be no more secrets, well-intentioned or not, between them.

Walking home that night, Victoria broached the subject with Kiernan. “I'm afraid,” she began, “that my selfishness has caused me to forget something.”

“I'm sure I don't understand,” he replied. The golden moonlight illuminated his face when he glanced down to meet Victoria's pained expression. “What is it?”

“Several months ago I received a letter from my mother. It was actually the first letter I'd had in some time. Do you remember?”

“Aye. Ya told me all about it.”

“No, I didn't tell you everything,” she replied. “I thought part of it might upset you, and so I decided to keep it from you until things were calmer with the railroad and with us. Then I forgot about it.”

Kiernan stopped her. “And what was it ya thought I needed savin' from?”

Victoria's expression seemed to plead with him. “Please don't be mad at me. I've had no further word about it, and so I couldn't have helped to ease your worries, even if I'd told you then.”

Kiernan's eyes narrowed. “Victoria, tell me what it is. Don't be keepin' any more secrets from me.”

“Your sister Caitlan arrived in America. I don't know when!” she declared, seeing the dark expression on her husband's face. “Mother said that she met up with Brenton and Jordana and that the three decided to come west.”

“To California?”

“Yes. Brenton and Jordana thought they would bring Caitlan here to us. But Mother said they went about it the hard way as usual. Apparently they are under the employ of someone, and Brenton is taking photographs on the way. There's no telling where they are or when they'll actually make it here. And Mother said because they were only inclined to send the briefest telegrams to our solicitor, who in the interim has passed away, she has no address in which to contact them now that she and Father are back in the country.”

“Ya should have told me.” His tone betrayed the hurt he felt.

“It was during that very bad time of ours,” she replied. “I'm sorry. I didn't do it to be mean. I thought I would keep you from worrying. And then as I said, I forgot. I honestly got caught up in my own problems with you and Thorndike and . . . well . . . it just didn't seem important. Please don't be angry with me.”

Kiernan's expression softened. “I'm not angry. But where could they be?”

“I don't know. I'll write to Mother tomorrow and see what I can find out.”

“Better yet, let's send her a wire. We need to know where they are and when to expect them.”

“I know,” Victoria said, looping her arm with his. “I'm sure everything is all right. Mother would have written if there was any word to the contrary.”

Kiernan nodded, but Victoria could tell that he didn't seem all that convinced. They both knew how unreliable communication was. She knew she'd done the right thing by finally telling him about the letter, but now she would have to deal with his worry over where Caitlan was. It hardly seemed a fair trade.

October brought rain and the departure of Anna and Ted Judah from Sacramento. Victoria allowed herself a time of tears over missing her friend. Her sadness became even more acute when Kiernan returned to the railroad work, which was progressively demanding more and more of his time. As the weeks moved on into November, he hadn't yet returned to Crocker at Dutch Flat, instead sending another worker with a load of supplies and men. Huntington had needed him there in Sacramento, at least for a few weeks while they made serious decisions about expanding the work along the proposed line.

Victoria had secretly rejoiced over this arrangement. She couldn't have endured losing Anna and Kiernan at the same time. She also still worried that Thorndike might try something once word got out that Kiernan had returned to the mountains. It seemed a silly fear, especially in light of having agreed with Kiernan to turn the matter over to prayer. But she couldn't deny it existed. She knew what it was to be lonely for Kiernan's companionship and felt that somehow she would have to convince him to let her come to Dutch Flat when he returned.

Sitting and stitching together pieces of her baby quilt, Victoria tried not to worry about the days to come. The quilt seemed a good way to focus her attention, even if there was no baby to plan for. Perhaps one day there would be, and if not, then perhaps her sisters or Kiernan's would have a child and she would give them the quilt. Either way, it kept her busy.

A knock at the door sounded and a quick glance at the clock left Victoria with a feeling of dread anticipation. It was too early for Kiernan. Thorndike's face immediately flooded her memory. Had he dared to show himself here?

Hesitating, Victoria put aside her sewing and got to her feet. She stood silently for a moment, wondering if she should call out and inquire as to whom the visitor might be, or simply go open the door and take her chances. Her nerves got the better of her.

“Who is it?”

“Letter for Mrs. O'Connor” came the voice.

Victoria thought of her mother and prayed it might be some wonderful news of Caitlan. Hurrying to the door, Victoria smiled, recognizing the landlord's boy. “Thank you,” she said as he handed her the telegram. Victoria dug in her apron pocket and produced a penny. “Here's a penny for candy.”

The boy smiled. “Thanks, ma'am!”

She closed the door and hurried to open the letter, hardly even noticing the handwriting on the outside. Surprised by the script, she glanced to the end of the letter to see that it wasn't from her mother but rather from Anna Judah.

Sitting down in a lovely oak rocker, which Kiernan had made for her during his time away from the railroad, Victoria felt as if she'd been given the most glorious of gifts.