What Came First (42 page)

“I’m not trying to be a father to him,” Eric tells me. “I wouldn’t even know how. I just thought I could be, like, a family friend.”

“We’re writing a song together,” Ian tells me.

Out of nowhere, tears fill my eyes.
“You can’t hurt him,”
I tell the computer screen. “You can’t make him care about you and then just disappear. That’s why I did things the way I did.”

Now I am crying. Really crying. Shit.

“Maybe . . . you want to talk about this later?” Eric asks. “In person?”

My vision blurry from the tears, I nod. And then I find the “end call” button and click it. The screen goes blank.

“Don’t hide things from me,” I tell Ian, knowing this is just the beginning. The older he gets, the less he will belong to me.

I go to my bedroom to collect myself. Alfredo, sprawled across my pillow, twitches his tail when he hears me enter. Who says I sleep alone?

I lie down for a while, curled around the cat. Maybe I even doze off. For once I don’t dream. When I get up, it is a half hour until Ian’s bedtime. I rinse my face with cold water and push the slider to the backyard. The teak table and chairs are still there, but now, instead of looking at the chicken coop, they oversee a patch of lonely dirt.

The moon slips up above the hillside behind my home. Just as I think,
Everything is going to be okay,
the sounds of guitar music slip out of the house and into the night. I leave the dark yard and go into the living room, where Ian sits on the couch, holding his guitar.

I’m about to speak when something moves in the corner of my eye. Eric sits at the piano bench.

“Hi,” he says. “You said we could talk.”

“Was that you? On the guitar?” I ask, too shocked to say anything else.

He shakes his head. “Ian’s amazing.”

I nod. Should I be happy? Angry? What? “You play piano?” I ask.

“Since I was five.”

“You want to hear our song?” Ian asks.

The music starts. For once in my life, I’m just there in the moment, not planning or analyzing or worrying but just feeling the tones of the piano and the strum of the guitar.

When they finish, I say, “That’s beautiful.”

Eric stands. “Sorry if I . . . I guess I should have called first. I’ll go.”

Ian opens his mouth to protest, but then thinks better of it. He crosses the room to Eric, who holds up a fist. They bump knuckles. Ian looks at Eric. He looks at me. And then he heads off to bed.

“That’s how we say good-bye on the computer,” Eric tells me, and while I don’t love the thought of my son punching my monitor, I understand the appeal.

In the doorway, Eric says, “When I Skyped you, it was because I thought you might be pregnant. From—you know.”

“I thought so too. But I wasn’t.”

“I know. Sorry.”

I say, “I bought your CD.”

“Really?”

I nod. “You’re good. Really good. So much better than you give yourself credit for. I keep listening to it, over and over, and I hear new things every time. And it just . . . makes me angry.”

“Why?”

“Because if I had that kind of talent, I’d never walk away from it. I’d just push and push until—” I shake my head. “Sorry. It’s your life. And . . . I’m glad you’re playing again.”

“I’m not with Vanessa anymore,” he says. “Not that that—means anything for us. I just thought you’d want to know. If it affects the way you feel about allowing me into Ian’s life, I mean.”

I start to make a lame joke about how he can see Ian as long as he promises to never have another girlfriend, but I decide to let it go. For a moment, our silence feels awkward. When he opens his mouth, I expect him to say good-bye.

“I can’t believe you got rid of the chickens.”

I burst out laughing. “We didn’t need them anymore,” I tell him.

“But they were really cool.”

“Yeah. I guess they were.”

He crosses the room and stops a foot away from me. His eyes are so blue. Nothing like Ian’s. Or mine. Or anyone I’ve ever known.

He holds up a fist. We bump knuckles.

“A family friend,” I say. “Sure you’re ready for that?”

He grins. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

 

 

1.
What did you think of Laura, Wendy, and Vanessa when they were first introduced? Did you sympathize with one character more than the others? Did your opinion of the women change as the novel progressed?

 

2.
What was your reaction when Vanessa didn’t get an engagement ring for her birthday from Eric? Did you feel like her anger was justified? Were her expectations in the relationship reasonable? How would you have reacted in that situation if you were Vanessa?

 

3.
On page 16 Wendy says that when she and Darren were trying to become pregnant the very idea of being childless sent her into a depression and she states, “How could I ever lead a full life without a house full of little people to call my own?” How do you feel about this statement ? Do you think it is possible for a person to lead a full life without children of her own?

 

4.
Discuss the differences between Laura’s and Wendy’s parenting style. Do you think one of them parents better than the other? If so, why? What sort of parenting style do you think is most effective?

 

5.
After Eric learns that his sperm donation gave life to Laura’s son Ian he tells Vanessa, “He’s not my child. He was conceived with my sperm, but he’s not mine” (page 113). What do you think about this statement? Do you think that a sperm donor is only a donor and should not be called a “father”? What should a donor’s role be, if any, in a child’s life?

 

6.
When we are first introduced to Wendy’s children, Wendy is adamant about not wanting the school psychologist to label them with having behavioral issues. Yet throughout the novel, she desperately seeks to find a reason for their unruly actions. Why do you think this is? What sorts of labels do adults frequently place on children? How does this affect their childhood?

 

7.
How did you feel when Eric decided to meet Laura and then redonate his sperm? Did you understand his decision? Do you think Vanessa should have been given an opinion in the process?

 

8.
During Wendy’s scrapbooking party, Wendy remembers Sherry saying that she thought Wendy was being selfish for using a sperm donor. Sherry goes on to state that to get pregnant by a stranger instead of adoption shows that “it’s all about you and your ego that you have to have a kid with your genes” (page 190). Do you agree with Sherry? If you were Wendy, what would you have said in response?

 

9.
How did you react to Wendy’s confession that she slept with Lane? At that moment did you think there was a chance that Lane was Harrison and Sydney’s father?

 

10.
Why do you think Eric chose to get back in touch with Laura and Ian? Do you think he wanted to donate again? Do you think his feelings for Laura and Ian were sincere?

 

11.
Throughout the novel, the story moves among the perspectives of Laura, Wendy and Vanessa. What knowledge do you gain by the story being told in this format? Did you find that this style provides you with a better understanding of the characters?

 

12.
What did you know about IUI and IVF prior to reading this novel? Have your thoughts about the process changed after reading about these women?

 

13.
Discuss the title of this novel. In what ways does it relate to the story and its characters?

 

14.
Imagine what the lives of these characters are like after the novel. What role will Eric play in Ian’s life? What will become of Vanessa and Eric’s relationship? How about Wendy and Darren’s relationship?