Read What Could Possibly Go Wrong. . . Online
Authors: Jeremy Clarkson
What Could Possibly Go Wrong. . .
For pity’s sake, Fritz, please stop fiddling
No nasty surprises in this gooey confection
Audi A7 Sportback 3.0 TDI quattro SE
Oh yes, take me now, Lady Marmalade
It’s hardly British but learn to haggle
Mitsubishi Outlander 2.2 DI-D GX4, 7 seats
Try this moose suit for size, Mr Top Gun
Saab 9-3 SportWagon Aero TtiD 180PS
Titter ye not, it’s built for the clown about town
Those yurt dwellers have got it right
Land Rover Freelander 2 eD4 HSE 2WD
I don’t fancy Helga von Gargoyle … Can’t think why
Damn it, Spock, we can’t shake off Arthur Daley
Jaguar XJ 5.0 Supercharged Supersport LWB 4dr
Bruce’s bonzer duck-billed koala
Botox and a bikini wax and I’m ready to roll
Oh, barman, my pint of pitbull has gone all warm and fluffy
Ford Focus Titanium 1.6 Ecoboost
Pointless but fun – what a good wheeze
Renault Wind Roadster GT Line 1.6 VVT
Prepare your moobs for a workout
The old duffer trots out in boy-racer colours
What’s the Swedish-Chinese for I can’t see?
I love you now I’m all grown up, Helga
Oh, miss, you turn me into a raging despot
From 0 to 40 winks in the blink of an eye
Oh, Shrek, squeeze me till it hurts
A world first – the Ferrari 4 × what for?
Work harder, boy, or it will be you in here
Too tame for the special flair service
An asthmatic accountant in lumberjack clothing
Someone please check I haven’t left my spleen back there
I thought it looked humdrum. But wow!
You vill never handle zis torture
Strip out all the tricks and it’s still a wizard
Lamborghini Gallardo LP570-4 Spyder Performante
Oh, grunting frump, you looked so fine on the catwalk
Jaguar XF 2.2 Diesel Premium Luxury
The topless tease luring men to ridicule
I’m sold, Mrs Beckham – I want your baby
Range Rover Evoque Prestige SD4 auto
I say, chaps, who needs a fourth wheel?
Beach beauties love my bucking bronto
Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4
Hop in, Charles, it’s a Luddite’s dream
Mercedes C 63 AMG coupé Black Series
It’s no cruiser but it can doggy-paddle
Jeep Grand Cherokee 3.0 CRD V6 Overland
Uh-oh, some fool’s hit the panic button
Simply no use for taking the kids to see Granny
Amazing where bottle tops and string will get you
Hyundai i40 1.7 CRDi 136PS Style
Bong! I won’t let you go until you love me
A heart transplant sexes up Wayne’s pet moose
The arms race is over and Vera Lynn has won
Aston Martin DBS Carbon Edition
Good doggy – let’s give the bark plugs a workout
Look what oi got, Farmer Giles: diamanté wellies
Jeep Wrangler 2.8 CRD Sahara Auto 4-door
Powered by beetroot, the hand-me-down that keeps Russia rolling
The yummiest of ingredients but the soufflé’s gone flat
I ran into an EU busybody and didn’t feel a thing
BMW 640d (with M Sport package)
Blimey, you’ve got this mouse to roar, Fritz
Styled for mercenaries. Driven by mummy
Ford Kuga 2.0 TDCi Titanium X PowerShift
Simply the best, but so bashful buying one is
verboten
Click away, paparazzi, I’ve got nice clean Y-fronts
Get a grip – it’s only a Roller
I know about your frilly knickers, Butch
Fritz calls it a soft-roader. I call him soft in the head
Audi Q3 2.0 TDI quattro SE S tronic
Cheer up – Napoleon got shorty shrift too
That funny noise is just Einstein hiding under the bonnet
Ford Focus 1.0 EcoBoost 125PS Titanium
Gosh, never thought I’d dump Kate Moss so fast
Citroën DS5 DSport HDi 160 automatic
Squeeze in, Queenie, there’s space next to Tom Cruise
The wife’s away, so come check out my electric extremity
Mercedes-Benz ML 350 BlueTec 4Matic Sport
If I go back to Africa, will you take it away again?
Porsche 911 Carrera S cabriolet
Oh, Miss Ennis, let’s sprint to seventh heaven
Yikes! The plumber’s van has put a leak in my wallet
Gary the ram raider cracks Fermat’s last theorem
Kiss goodbye to your no-claims – Mr Fender-bender has a new toy
The nip and tuck doesn’t fool anyone, Grandma
Wuthering werewolves, a beast made for the moors
It’s certainly cheap … but I can’t find cheerful
Ooh, it feels good to wear my superhero outfit again
OK, Sister Maria, try tailgating me now
It’s Sunday, the sun is out – let’s go commando
Yo, bruv, check out da Poundland Bentley
Out with the flower power, in with the toothbrush moustache
You can keep your schnapps, Heidi – I’ll have cider with Rosie
A real stinker from Silvio, the lav attendant
Ask nicely and it’ll probably cook you dinner underwater
The pretty panzer parks on Jurgen’s golf links
I ordered a full English but ended up with bubble and squeak
The cocaine chintz has been kept in check
Range Rover Vogue SDV8 4.4L V8 Vogue
Thanks, guys, from the heart of my bottom
Audi RS 4 Avant 4.2 FSI quattro
Just like Anne Boleyn, there’s no magic with the head off
Volkswagen Golf GTI cabriolet 2.0 TSi
Come on, caravanners, see if it will tackle the quicksand
Hyundai Santa-Fe Premium 7-seat
No one can reinvent the wheel quite like you, Fritz
Great at a shooting party – for gangsters
Mercedes CLS63 AMG Shooting Brake
Yippee! It’s OK to be a Bentley boy again
Thrusters on, Iron Man, this’ll cut through the congestion
Audi R8 5.2 FSI quattro S tronic
They’ll be flying off the shelves at Poundland
So awful I wouldn’t even give it to my son
Alfa Romeo MiTo 875cc TwinAir Distinctive
Off to save the planet with my African queen
BMW528i Touring SE (1999, T-reg)
Oh, I hate the noise you make in ‘wounded cow’ mode
Toyota Corolla GX (aka the Auris but GX model not sold in UK)
That puts paid to my theory on the ascent of manual
Aston Martin Vantage V12 roadster
Oh, how you’ll giggle while strangling that polar bear
Another bad dream in a caravan of horrors
Ooh, you make me go weak at the knees … and the hips and the spine
Mirror, signal, skedaddle – Mr Bump’s been turbocharged
Not now, Cato – keep turning the egg whisk while I push
No grid girls, no red trousers – it’s formula school run
Where does Farmer Giles eat his pork pie?
Range Rover Sport SDV6 Autobiography
They only make one car. But it’s a nice colour
Say the magic word and the howling banshee turns sultry sorceress
Take the doors off and put them back on? That’ll be £24,000, sir
Thunderbird and Mustang have gone, so what’ll we call it, chaps?
Ha! They’ll never catch me now I’m the invisible man
VW Golf GTI 2.0 TSI Performance Pack
Coo! A baby thunderclap from Merc’s OMG division
From the nation that brought you Le Mans … A tent with wheels
The fun begins once you’ve arm-wrestled Mary Poppins for control
Audi RS 5 cabriolet quattro 4.2 FSI
Gliding gently into the parking slot reserved for losers
Where the hell did they hide the ‘keeping up with Italians’ button?
Go and play with your flow chart, Comrade Killjoy, while I floor it
Who lent Scrooge the ninja costume?
Crikey, the Terminator has joined the
Carry
On team
Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG Black Series
Grab her lead and forget all about the mess on the floor
Goodbye, Dino. It’s the age of the mosquito
Watch out, pedestrians, I’m packing lasers
Mercedes-Benz S 500 L AMG Line
I can see the mankini peeking out over your waistband
The crisp-baked crust hides a splodge of soggy dough
A menace to cyclists, cars, even low-flying aircraft
I’m sorry, Comrade. No Iron Curtain, no deal
You’re off by a country mile with this soggy pudding, Subaru
Subaru Forester 2.0 Lineartronic XT
You can’t play bumper cars, but the bouncy castle’s brilliant