What Goes Around... (29 page)

My hand freezes on the catch and slowly I turn around.

‘When we played golf in the New Year.’ Luke tries to keep his distaste for me from his face but it’s poorly masked in his words, even if he tries to be matter of fact as he says it. ‘He thought you were cheating on him.’

What?

I just stand there, incredulous.

‘He thought you were about to leave and he wanted to be sure all his girls would be okay.’

‘He’s got a nerve,
’ I say.

But Luke isn’t about to be drawn into conversation.

‘See you then Lucy.’ He gives me that very brief smile and there’s a jiggle of keys then he stops and ruffles Daisy's hair. Everyone does that, those gorgeous ringlets have everyone reaching out and Daisy gets a proper smile from him, a real smile. It’s stupid but I feel like I'm going to start crying, my throat is dry and tight and I’m scared to sniff, because then he might see, then he might know that I'm close to tears.

I want him gone, I want him gone now.

‘Bye then,’ I say brightly, except he doesn't move. I want to close the door on him, I want to have nothing to regret, I want to be able to look my friend in the eye.

Luke doesn’t even like me.

Scratch that.

Luke actively dislike
s me, even if he tries not to let it show.

But it terrifies me that one move from him and I’d be getting carpet burn again in the hallway.

I love Jess.

I want to be a woman who'd never.

Who might have in the past.

But isn't like that now.

He’s looking at Daisy, who’s in my arms silent and I don’t want him to look at me but he does.

I see his grey eyes but I can’t look into them so I look at his mouth.

I want to walk over and rest my head on him.

I want him to wrap his arms around me.

I want his mouth.

I want him to kiss me.

I want to forget consequence.

I know now why I told Jess about Noel.

I'm the kid from the film that looks up at the camera and says, “I see dead people” - except my head spins full circle and the words that I hiss are “I sleep with husbands.” I was warning her, telling her perhaps and warning him too.

I'm not like that now.

‘Bye then,’ I say and he turns.

‘Bye,’ h
e says and walks out.

‘And, thank you,
’ I say as I remember Miss Manners.

He leaves and I close the door and I feel Daisy’s little hands on my tears and nothing has happened.

Nothing ever would.

Luke can’t stand me.

But it’s actually not about Luke and whether or not he might have tried; it’s my reaction to the hypothetical that terrifies me. I stop crying and I look now to Daisy and tell her my answer.

‘No.’ I tell her. ‘I would never.’

And you know why?

Because, I'm better than that now.

I’m getting better.

Gloria

‘Why did you stay, Gloria?’

We’re lying in bed and there’s no-one but us in the house and I’ve told Paul all about the affairs, not just the affair with Lucy, no, it wasn’t just her.

He cheated from day one.

‘Why?’ Paul
says to the silence. ‘If you knew that he was cheating, did you stay?’

‘That’s what you did then.’

He nods because it was the same for his wife - you just stayed in a marriage that didn’t work.

I tell him my theory, the one about Charles and Diana, that once they got divorced it seemed okay
for everyone else.

I mean the world didn’t stop did it?

If they could do it, why couldn’t we?

And so he did.

I’d have stayed.

I lie there and close my eyes as Paul chats on and I admit the truth to myself.

I
am
lazy.

I’d have carried on turning a blind eye. That’s why I hated Lucy so much, not so much what she did, but that she insisted that he leave.

‘You think the whole world’s at it.’ Paul’s talking about sex as I go deep into my mind. ‘I used to get it on my birthday and at Christmas and in the end I gave up.’ He doesn’t sound bitter. ‘I didn’t want charity.’

‘You never had an affair?’

‘Only with food.’ Paul says. ‘You know, I thought that was the problem, that it was my size that put her off.’ He looks over to me. ‘It turns out that I could have been twelve stone and ripped and she still wouldn’t have wanted me.’

I lie there and think of Lucy who was eight stone and gorgeous and still he cheated on her, for the first time in decades I am almost free.

It wasn’t actually about me.

I wasn’t the one with the problem.

I wasn’t the crap wife that pushed him away, that made him do what he did.

It wasn’t even about Lucy.

The problem lay with him.

‘Did you never think about having an affair, Gloria?’ He looks over.

‘God, no.’

I didn’t.

But I’m being lazy again. I am heading for the peanut butter jar that lives in my mind. I’m stuffing thoughts down, except I want a relationship that’s honest. I turn on the bed and I look to a man that might not be able to survive what I’m about to say here, but if it’s going to be better than good then I really need Paul to be able to handle my shame.

I tell him something I’ve never shared with another living soul.

I’ve had a few angry words with a dead one mind.

Oh, the stories I could tell!

And I do.

‘There was a time…’ I look over to him
and my face is on fire. ‘After I had Alice, I lost a lot of weight. I really wanted my marriage to work, I’d have done anything to save it.’

He looks at me, his eyes tell me I can go on.

I can’t.

I am starting to cry.

‘Gloria?’

‘We went to a dinner party…’ My eyes are screwed closed and I am so ashamed, so ashamed and I cannot do this. ‘At the end of the night….’ I go to climb off the bed but Paul holds my arm. ‘There was just us and Greg and Shirley - Greg’s the MD. He’d told me before we went out that we needed to impre
ss him, that I needed to behave.’ I don’t want to do this – I don’t want to re-live this, except I am. ‘They had one of those heated outdoor spa things.’ I open my eyes and I watch Paul as I tell him. ‘Shirley said it didn’t matter if I didn’t have a bikini and they were already in the water. I just went in in my bra and knickers…’

He’s still looking at me.

‘Shirley started talking about my weight loss, how great my figure was, how nice my breasts looked. Then she started feeling them. He told me take off my bra and, when I didn’t, Shirley did it for me.’

I know that Paul thinks
this sort of stuff is disgusting and I do too – I’m disgusted by that time.

‘When I d
idn’t want to play with Shirley,’ I just tell Paul what happened. ‘He did.’

‘And Greg?’

I just lie there and I remember it, I remember how I’d have done anything to save my marriage, and so I did.

I was
screwed by the MD because I didn’t have the guts to get up and leave.

I’m more ashamed of that, than what happened.

‘It was his sodding fantasy, not mine,’ I say. ‘But I did it – I went along with it…’

I tell him how excruciating work things were for me after that, how I needed five Bacardi’s and cokes just to get through them.

He holds me as I cry and, when I’ve calmed down, he’s still holding me, and then he kisses me.

He isn’t turned on by the story; he’s just turned on by me.

He knows me now.

Someone knows.

The person that matters the most in the world to me, actually knows my truth.

And the nicest thing of all is, he’s still here.

Lucy

I see the flash of the speed camera and I don't even blink, I don't care, I don't slow down–I have to get to her
!

I feel like I did when I came home and saw the police car and ambulance, except I don’t want to slow down
this time. I just want to get to her. There’s this panic inside and I want to be wrong. I want to have misheard, to have misunderstood. I want to have got it all wrong. I pull into their driveway and I'm shaking. Jess must have been looking out for me because I don't even ring the bell before the door opens. I know as soon as I see her that I didn't mishear and I didn’t misunderstand.

Luke’s left her.

‘It's okay!’ I put my arms around her. I can't really make out what's gone on, she's ranting and crying and any hopes that they’ve just had a major row are fading.

I mean that, I promise you that, because yes I’ve got a thing for Luke, you know that I do, so I cannot deny. If I've harboured any thoughts about them breaking up I'm ashamed of them, I’ve tried not to have them, but when I did (and judge me if you feel you have to but I’m just trying to be honest here) it was the other way round. It was Jess leaving him, because in my complicated, perfect fantasy, Jess didn't get hurt.

She's hurting so badly now.

She's this raw body of pain, like some multiple injury patient and I don't know where to touch her that won’t make it worse. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. I feel helpless, yet I feel responsible; not responsible in the way that it's my fault (I’ll deal with that later), instead it's a grown-up responsible feeling. I know that it's my turn to take care of her, to look after her as she looked after me. 

She tells me, in between glasses of water and tea and cigarettes (she drove to the garage at two am and got some – I’ve never seen her smoke). Slowly it comes out – not neatly, I have to jiggle all the pieces to work things out.

‘There isn’t anyone else,’ she shakes her head. ‘I know that’s what they all say, but I know Luke.
He’d never cheat but that just makes it worse.’ She’s folding over in pain. ‘It’s just me he doesn’t want…’

‘No,
’ I say. ‘No.’

Then she runs out of fags and I go and get some and I change the rules.

I smoke on the days of my husband’s funeral and on the day Jess’s husband leaves.

‘I thought maybe he was a bit depressed
, I mean, since…’ and she looks at me and pauses, she doesn’t know how raw my wound is but I’m not hurting for me today.

‘He lost his best friend,
’ I say, because sometimes you forget that, all the people who are propping you up when you’re grieving have lost someone too. ‘Maybe he is depressed.’

‘It was before that,’ she tells me.

There is an honest appraisal then.

The one that comes when you're at your lowest, before the lawyers and family and friends step in, before everybody pumps you up and convinces you he’s a bastard and that you did nothing wrong. There is a window and Jess is staring through it now and looking at h
er marriage and she’s looking through it with me.

‘It was before he died. It started going wrong in the New Year.’ Jess says. ‘I know he’s dark, I know he doesn’t exactly share his feelings; I’ve known that from the start. We’ve been rowing a lot lately… I’ve been storming back home to Wales.’

I think of that night and the real reason that they didn’t come around. I just never thought they were in trouble.

‘Jess,’ I put my arm around her. ‘All marriages struggle…’ and then I feel tension in her shoulders, and then, when her face turns to mine, she’s angry, but a different angry now. She’s angry
with me and she doesn’t care about raw wounds now.

Here’s another thing they don’t tell you when you marry that man that already was when you met him.

There are so many curses to being a mistress and I’m served one now.

‘Is there something going on between the two of you, Lucy?’

I just stare at her stunned.

‘Because he’s ro
und there all the fucking time.’

‘Doing paperwork.’

‘I mean it Lucy, I want to know.’

‘No.’

‘As if you’d tell me anyway.’ Her face contorts.

‘I wouldn’t do that to you, Jess. I would never break up…’

‘Well, it’s never stopped you before.’

She breaks down, she just starts sobbing and saying she’s sorry and I just sit there wishing I
were numb, because yep, Karma can be a bitch at times.

‘I’m sorry, Lucy.
’

‘Forget it.
’ I close my eyes, because I have to forget that, she’s my friend and I love her and she’s done so much for me and my arm is back around her.