What He Left Behind (10 page)

Chapter Ten

When I walk into Michael’s apartment a few nights later, the whole place is dark except for warm light coming from his bedroom’s open doorway. The dog greets me as he always does, but then wanders into the living room.

I continue down the hall. “Michael? You here?”

“In the bedroom.”

Of course. Heart thumping, I walk into the room. And halt. And stare.

Michael’s lying back on the bed, grinning at me. He’s completely naked and…

Oh God. Completely hard.

He’s grinning at me and stroking himself. Air? Who needs air? Fuck.

“Right on time,” he says. “As usual.”

“Yeah. And it looks like…” Seriously, air? I clear my throat. “Guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t late.”

He laughs softly, and I’m completely mesmerized as he slowly,
slowly
strokes himself. Why the hell am I still standing all the way over here, anyway? I snap out of it, take off my shoes and socks and join him on the bed.

Michael pulls me over the top of him and kisses me.
Jesus
. Somehow, my clothes haven’t evaporated right off me, but I’m okay with that. There is something unspeakably hot about being on top of his naked body while I’m still dressed.

“I want to go further tonight,” he says. “Not as far as we tried to that other time. When I…” He shudders.

“How far?”

Michael licks his lips. “Don’t know yet. Just further.”

This shaky confidence sends my pulse soaring. I can’t think straight, and sure as fuck can’t speak, so I kiss him again instead. He drags his nails up my back—holy shit, that burn gives me goose bumps. He’s out of breath, he’s kissing me like his life depends on it, and I’m doing the same to him, especially since every time I move, his erection presses against mine through my jeans and fucks my equilibrium right to hell. I’ve been here all of two minutes, and I’m already turned on to the point of madness.

I’ll take you as far as you want to go, Michael.

As far as you
can
go
.

My own thought jolts me—he’s been ambitious like this before, and it’s backfired. How do I make sure that doesn’t happen this time?

I break the kiss and go for his neck. Michael arches, baring as much of his throat as possible, and I explore every inch of it, and even as I’m kissing and nipping his hot skin, my mind is reeling—
how far can he go? How far do I push this?

It doesn’t help that my jeans are unbearably tight. What I wouldn’t give to be inside him right now, but he can’t possibly be ready for that yet, and this needs to happen at his pace. Small steps. Small, frustrating steps that are driving him insane.

But he wants to go further tonight.

Maybe…

Forcing back my nerves, I lift my head. “Do you trust me?”

“Absolutely.”

I sweep my tongue across my lips. “There’s a boundary I want to push. If you’ll let me.”

His eyes widen a little, and he gulps. “Which one?”

I nod toward the door. “When I walked in here tonight, you looked just like you did that first time we were really in bed together. The first time—”

“The first time we went down on each other.” His voice is taut and unsteady.

“Exactly. And my first thought was how much I wanted to make you feel like you made me feel that night.”

He squirms a bit.

“I know it’s a huge step for you,” I whisper. “But you said you might be okay receiving, right?”

“I… Maybe?”

“Do you want to try?”

“Yes,” he says without hesitation. “I so do.”

“I promise, I won’t hurt you.” I drop a light kiss on his lips. “Say the word, and I’ll stop. No questions asked.”

“I know.” He caresses my face. “I’ve never doubted that with you.”

“So you want me to…?”

He studies me for a moment and then nods slowly. “I don’t know if I can handle it.” His features tighten for a second, but he starts to relax, and his eyes narrow as a grin comes to life. “I do want to try.”

I grin back and lean down to let my lips graze his. Then I start downward, kissing underneath his jaw before continuing along his throat. His skin is deliciously hot to the touch, and when I reach his collarbone, I can’t resist a gentle bite.

“Fuck.” Michael arches beneath me. His fingers run through my hair, twitching each time my lips or teeth touch his flesh. “This definitely brings back memories.”

I glance up at him. “Good ones?”

“V-very good ones.”

I kiss below his collarbone and inch downward. I tease one nipple with my tongue. Then the other. He curses under his breath while I struggle to catch mine—I should be used to the mix of nerves and arousal by now, but tonight, they’re both more intense. A lot more intense. This could turn out so incredibly hot, and it could so easily turn into a disaster.

No pressure, Josh
.

One kiss at a time, I work my way back to the middle of his chest and start down again. This reminds me so much of that first time, when every light kiss down his beautiful torso gave me the courage to continue. Helped me work up the nerve to suck his cock for the very first time. Now, it’s the same, and it couldn’t be more different, and I pray with every touch of my lips to his skin that this ends the way it did that very first time. Orgasms. Kisses. Smiles. No ghosts, no demons—only pleasure and innocence.

Michael shifts a bit. I glance up, and he’s lifted himself onto one elbow, probably to give himself a better view. He still has a hand in my hair, combing through it in gentle, uneven motions.

“You good?” I ask.

He runs the tip of his tongue across the inside of his lip, and nods.

I keep going. His abs tighten beneath my lips. A flick of my tongue above his navel makes him gasp. His fingers twitch in my hair. Not long ago, I’d have been convinced he was about to grab my hair, jerk my head back and call this whole thing off. This time, though, he’s pushing a little, as if trying to encourage me to go farther, faster.

All in good time, Michael
. I grin against the thin treasure trail.
All in good time.

But I want to get there quickly too, so I continue downward. As I follow his hipbone, inching closer to his cock one featherlight kiss at a time, I look up at him again.

His eyes are a little wider now, and his forehead is creased. His chest rises and falls faster than before.

“Sure you’re okay?”

He nods vigorously. “Yeah. It’s just…intense.”

“Good in—”

“Yes. D-definitely good.” He bites his lip and lifts his hips, letting his cock brush the edge of my jaw. “Please, Josh…”

Goose bumps. So many goose bumps.

Cautiously, I tease the base of his cock with my lips. Michael moans and fidgets. His hand leaves my hair and drops to the sheets, and his fingers curl as I run the tip of my tongue from the base of his cock to the head. I do it again, even slower this time, to both tease him and give him a chance to get used to this.

The third time, Michael’s whole body seizes. His knuckles turn white as he grips the sheets.

My hair stands on end. “Michael? You okay?”

He doesn’t answer. And he’s suddenly breathing
a lot
faster. “Fuck. Oh fuck.” His whole body tenses. His grip on the sheets gets even tighter.

“Michael, are—”

He sucks in a breath that’s made of pure panic. “No!”

I immediately stop and join him up by the pillows. His eyes are screwed shut, sweat on his brow catching the light as he hyperventilates and begs me—or maybe not me?—to stop.

“Please, no more. No—”

“Hey, hey.” I hold him close—my God, every muscle in his body is completely tense. “Relax. It’s me. It’s just me.” I cradle the back of his head. “Michael. Look at me.”

He opens his eyes, but I swear he’s looking through me.

“Michael.” I run my thumb along his cheekbone. “It’s me. It’s Josh. You’re safe.”

He blinks a few times. One by one, his muscles soften. He wipes his eyes. Then his forehead. After a moment, he shifts his focus to me, and cool relief surges through my veins—wherever he went for those few seconds, he’s back.

“You okay?”

Sighing, he closes his eyes again and rubs them. “Yeah. Flashbacks are not fun.”

I shiver—I’ve never been through anything traumatic enough to cause my mind to suddenly quantum leap back to it, and I hope I never find out what that’s like. Just seeing Michael slip away and snap back is terrifying enough.

He drops his hand beside him. “God, I’m so stupid.”

“No, you’re not.” I stroke his hair. “Just talk to me. What happened?”

He’s shaking like mad now, shivering as if all the heat in the room has suddenly vanished, so I pull the covers up over us and hold him close. It’s uncomfortably hot while I’m still dressed, but I keep that to myself.

“What happened, Michael?”

“Goddammit.” He exhales sharply and stares up—
glares
up—at the ceiling. “It wasn’t anything you did. A memory came back to me, and it fucked me all up. It’s like, as soon as something like that crosses my mind, there’s no stopping it. Pandora’s box, in a weird way.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t push it like this, then.” Guilt twists beneath my ribs. I knew oral was a problem for him. Fuck. What did I do? “I am so sorry. I thought—”

“No, no.” He turns toward me and cups my cheek. “I wanted to push it.”

“But you said oral is specifically a problem.”

Lips taut, he nods. “It is. And it’s one I want to get past. I can’t let this shit in my head own me anymore.”

I swallow. “What do you want to do, then?”

“Get back on the horse that threw me.” He lifts his eyebrows. “If you’re willing to try again, I mean.”

“Like
now?
”

He nods.

An uncomfortable prickly feeling starts at the base of my spine and crawls upward. No pressure, indeed.

“I really was enjoying it, by the way,” he says. “Right up until I killed the mood.”

“You didn’t kill the mood. We can still start again.” I lean down to kiss his neck, and against his skin, murmur, “If you’re really sure you’re ready, I’ll gladly do it again.”

He shivers. “W-will you promise me something?”

I meet his eyes. “Anything.”

He touches my face, the apprehension in his quickly vanishing in favor of confidence. And lust. Definitely some burning lust. “This time,” he whispers, “don’t stop until I come.”

My breath halts in my throat. “But if you want to stop, I—”

“I know. I have no doubt.” He lifts his head and kisses me again. “But I don’t want to stop this time. Just promise…”

I kiss him, letting it linger for a moment. Then, “Promise.”

We lock eyes.

One more kiss, and then I start downward just like before. His neck. His collarbone. Down the center of his chest. Down his abs, taking my sweet time because I love the way it feels when a soft kiss makes his muscles tense like that.

“Damn it, Josh,” he grinds out. “I want…
Fuck
.”

“Getting there.” I glance up, grinning at him. “Patience.”

Whatever he says next, I don’t understand it, but I’m pretty sure it’s profane. Laughing softly, I keep going downward. It’s not just to tease him, though. He’s not the only one who has to work up the courage to see this through. There’s more riding on this than a blowjob, and I’ve never had such intense performance anxiety before. I know how to suck cock. Do I know how to keep his mind here with me and make this fun and pleasurable when he’s got so much trauma tied up with it?

God, I know this probably isn’t something you approve of, but please don’t let Steve in here tonight
.

Then I take a deep breath, glance up at Michael one more time, and go down on him.

The second my lips touch his cock, Michael gasps and tenses. I give him a little more—sliding my lips along the shaft, occasionally teasing him with the tip of my tongue—until he releases his breath. Once he’s breathing again, I steady his cock with one hand and start on the head. I run my tongue around it, exploring every ridge and contour just like I did the very, very first time, and I’m rewarded with a whispered, “Holy shit.”

His fingers rake through my hair again. I take him deeper into my mouth, just enough to nudge my gag reflex, and he swears again. The sounds he makes are driving me wild—the little hitches in his breath. The murmured curses. The low, strained groans. Everything he does drives me on, especially the way he keeps his hand in my hair, sometimes running his fingers through it, sometimes grasping it enough to hurt—whatever he does, I’m in heaven.

Michael thrusts up into my mouth. His cock is thicker and harder, his breathing faster, and I give him everything—stroking, twisting, licking, deep-throating now and again.

“Oh God.” He sounds like he’s on the verge of sobbing. “Oh God, Josh…” He fucks my mouth, gripping my hair tighter and gasping for breath, and then he groans, and semen floods my mouth. I swallow, and he keeps coming, and I swallow again, and he keeps coming until he collapses back onto the bed. “Holy fuck.” He exhales, his entire body going limp.

I push myself up on a trembling arm, licking my lips as I move up to join him, and just like I did the first time we ever did this, Michael grabs me, drags me down to him and kisses me. He grips my hair so tight it stings, and he takes the breath right out of me. God, yes—
this
is the Michael I remember.

We finally come up for air. I touch my forehead to his. We both pant, and shake, and I almost cry because there’s no demons here now. They’ll be back, I’m sure, but for a moment, he’s exactly the way I’ve missed him—trembling with the aftershocks of an orgasm, holding on to me, breathing against me, with no sign of everything that’s haunted him all this time.

Welcome back, Michael. We’ll make it the rest of the way. I promise.

My arms are about to shake out from under me, so I kiss him once more before I sink onto the bed beside him.

“I haven’t told you this in a long time,” he slurs, “but your mouth is un-fucking-real.”

“Good. Always happy to please.”

He laughs breathlessly. I do too, and I’m even more out of breath than he is. I’m still hard, still turned on, relieved beyond words that his fucking demons are MIA for the moment.