What If... All the Rumors Were True (16 page)

OFF-OFF-OFF-BROADWAY

Those who can, do. Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Or sometimes drama.

“I
didn't expect the theater to be so tiny,” Haley said. She, Shaun, Devon and Irene had made a trip into the city to see their tutor, Xavier, make his Off-Off-Off-Broadway debut in a new play called
The Soul Farmer.
Shaun was especially excited to see his cousin at work.

“The Hillsdale High auditorium puts this place to shame,” Irene said.

“No, it's cool,” Shaun said. “It's gritty. Real.
Hee-haw.
”

“It's real, all right,” Irene said. “Like this delusion that you're an ass. Oh wait, it's not a delusion, it's true.”

“I'm not crazy about the title,” Devon said. “
The Soul Farmer?
It's a bit too Elmer Gantry for me.”

“It is a little creepy,” Haley agreed. “But we've got to watch for Xavier's sake. He's certainly suffered through enough of our performances at this point.”

“I'm this close to naming him my guru,” Shaun said. “Haw. Haw.” Thankfully, Irene had managed to convince him to leave his donkey head at home, saying it wouldn't fit in Devon's little car. But he was still bringing his donkey persona along wherever he went.

They took their seats. Haley's was sunken and tilted slightly to the right. She would have moved over one but the next seat had gum on it.

Xavier just finished drama school,
she told herself.
Everyone has to start somewhere.

After a few minutes, the lights went down and the curtain went up. The setting was a shack in a cornfield. Xavier appeared wearing overalls and a straw hat, no shirt, a piece of straw between his teeth and a pitchfork in his hand. For some reason he had bright red makeup all over his face and hands.

“That's one bad farmer tan,” Irene whispered to Haley, who giggled.

“Shhh!” said Shaun.

“Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Xavier shouted. “NO ONE ith thafe from me! Even on thith PEATHEFUL farm, where the THINTH and tempTATIONTH of the thity are out of reach. I thtill wreak my HAVOC. Ha-ha!”

“What the…?” Devon whispered.

Xavier was doing that thing he always did, talking WITH GREAT EMPHASIS on certain WORDS. Haley had thought he'd at least try to get into character, whatever this particular character was. But he just seemed to be acting…Xavier. Or maybe this was part of the character, in his eyes? Whatever the METHOD, this just didn't seem right.

An actress entered stage left, in blond pigtails and a Dorothy-in-
The Wizard of Oz
pinafore.

“Well, howdy, stranger,” she said. “Ain't you a sight for sore eyes. We don't get many visitors round these parts.” She batted her eyelashes at Xavier. Haley started to laugh, thinking this was supposed to be funny, but she stifled it when no one else in the audience was laughing.

“I can thee WHY,” Xavier said stiffly. “ALLOW me to INTRODUTHE mythelf. My NAME ith Bill. Bill Z. Bub.”

“As in Beelzebub?” Devon whispered. “The devil?”

Haley shrugged. “I guess.”

“Shh!” Shaun said again. “You guys!” But he looked worried.

There were a lot of shenanigans onstage involving Xavier's character, Bill Z. Bub, causing trouble between a farmer, his two teenaged children and the widow lady next door. Haley found it hard to follow. Finally she gave up. The play was ridiculous, and none of the actors was particularly good, but Xavier was terrible. She kept thinking he was up to something, some technique that would pay off at the end. Then, for the final scene, he walked onto the stage with his skinny body covered in red paint and nothing else.

“Oh my god,” Irene gasped.

“I don't believe this,” Shaun muttered.

Haley struggled not to laugh. It was nearly impossible. Xavier recited his final monologue, something about evil being banal, while Haley pinched her arm to keep herself from bursting into hysterics.

At last the curtain fell. The audience applauded, and Haley could let it out.

“So…do we have to go backstage and say hi?” Irene said. “Or can we just get out of here and act like that train wreck never happened?”

“I want to go straight home and take a long hot shower to wash away the memory of that red devil forever,” Devon said.

“What do you think, Shaun?” Haley asked. “Will Xavier be hurt if we don't go backstage?”

Shaun was staring at the stage in shock.

“Shaun?” Irene snapped her fingers in front of his face. “Sweetie? Hee-haw?”

“He sucked,” Shaun said slowly. “I can't believe how bad he just sucked.”

“Yeah, it was pretty heinous,” Devon said. “Next tutoring session, I think I'll use the old ‘It was interesting' line. Never fails.”

“But I believed in him,” Shaun said. “I took his acting advice. I listened to his criticisms. I was going to make him my acting guru. I can't believe how close I came to following a phony.”

“He's not a phony,” Haley reassured him. “He believes all that stuff he was telling us. He's just not particularly talented at acting. I mean, the guy was born with a lisp.”

“Those who can't do, teach,” Devon offered.

“Come on, let's get out of here,” Haley said, patting Shaun on the back. He was uncharacteristically quiet on the ride home. He didn't even utter a single
hee-haw.

“Don't take it so hard, Shaun,” Irene said. “Devon's right. Lots of amazing instructors can't do whatever it is they're teaching. Look at Mr. Von.” Rick Von was their eccentric art teacher, and a favorite among students. “Remember that abstract painting of his he showed us? The one that was all black with the one little orange dot on it? Remember how shocked we all were—like, ‘That's your painting? That's the best you can do?' I thought his art was going to be so much more interesting and alive than that. Because when he's teaching, it's really magic. But just because he sucked at painting, it didn't make me want to throw out my work.”

Shaun remained silent.

Haley felt it was time to change the subject. “Hey, did you guys hear the latest about Mr. Von's potential future stepson, Dave Metzger?” Dave's uptight mom was currently dating Mr. Von; they made a very odd couple indeed. “Supposedly he's turning ‘Inside Hillsdale' into a live videocast.”

“Wow. Risky move,” Devon said. “Do you think his huge and loyal following among the teenybopper set will continue once they realize that's who they've been listening to all these months?”

“Doubtful,” said Haley.

“Oh, Dave will find a way to screw up,” Irene said. “For sure.”

Poor Shaun. He takes his enthusiasms so seriously. What will he do now? Is he going to give up Method acting? Irene would be relieved, but how would that affect Shaun's performance in the play? Knowing Shaun, Xavier's humiliation could drive him to take the Method mania even farther. Logic isn't exactly Shaun's strong suit.

At least Devon's kept his head. Tutoring and rehearsing for the play have brought him and Haley closer than ever. If you think she should take advantage of their cozy closeness and spend more time alone with him, send her to
"RUN LINES WITH DEVON"
.

If you think Haley needs a break from this scene and ought to satisfy her curiosity about Dave's new videocast, go to
"VIDEOCAST"
. Or if you think it's time Haley found out what the rest of the school is up to, go to
"PRINCIPAL CRUM'S LITANY"
.

Finding the right balance in life is not easy, especially if you feel pulled in different directions.

VIDEOCAST

Before you let the public into your bedroom, it's a good idea to clean up.

H
aley was headed to Dave's house with Annie to help out with his first-ever videocast of “Inside Hillsdale.” Dave was streaming live directly from his bedroom, using his cluttered desk as a backdrop and his halogen desk lamp as a spotlight, aimed at his sweaty, pimply face.

“Does he need that light?” Haley asked as Annie bustled around trying to make him look presentable.

“Without it, viewers won't be able to see his face,” Annie said.

“Exactly,” Haley said. “He's really broken out. Hives on top of zits—that's pretty gruesome.”

“I'll put more pancake on him,” Annie said, reaching for the flesh-toned makeup. “You'd look gruesome too if you had been studying eighteen hours a day and had insomnia for three weeks straight.”

“Must get into Harvard,” Dave said, rocking back and forth. “Or MIT. If I don't get into one of those two, I'll take my vows and become a monk.”

“What? That's crazy. We won't even get to apply to schools for another year yet,” Haley said. She glanced at Annie, who nodded knowingly. “You're pushing yourself too hard, Dave.”

“No such thing,” Dave said. “No such thing.” He wiped his damp brow, removing a lot of the makeup in the process. He stared at his handkerchief, dazed. “Oh, look, my skin's coming off.”

“That's just makeup,” Annie said. “Your skin is fine. Or, well, at least it's staying on your body. For now.”

“I want to go on. I must go on,” Dave chanted, as if it was his new mantra.

“Don't forget to mention our sponsors. The Eton Campaign Casino Night,” Annie reminded him, slapping his shoulders like a trainer might warm up a boxer.

Haley checked the focus on the camera and centered Dave in the frame. “I really don't agree with this,” she said. “But we're evidently going live in five, four, three…” She pointed at Dave as a signal to begin. He just sat there, dripping sweat on his plaid shirt.

“Dave!” she whispered. “Go!”

He should be used to this by now,
Haley thought. Yes, this was his first videocast, but he'd been doing podcasts for years. Maybe nerves weren't the problem—or not the only problem. Dave's eyes were glazed, his pupils huge. Too much studying and not enough sleep had taken a serious toll.

“Am I on? Hello out there in video land.” Dave stared into the camera, then giggled. “Video land. Where is that magic place? Out there, out there, somewhere. Where you are!” He pointed at the camera. Then he stared at his finger as if it were speaking to him. “What's that, finger? Stop pointing you? Sorry.” He dropped his hand to his side and screamed. Or more like scream-barked:
“Arf! Arf-arf!”

“Oh my god,” Annie gasped. “What's he doing?”

“He's losing it,” Haley said. “Should we cut him off?”

“We can't,” Annie said. “It's his show. Besides, he'll never let us.”

Dave looked up at the ceiling, then whipped his head around. “Did you see that? Did you people see that? I think it was a shadow person. Have you heard about the shadow people? They're gray, and small, and they sneak up on you while you're sleeping and suck your life force away. But they can't get me, because I never sleep! That'll show them! Come and get me, you little gray two-dimensional aliens!”

“This is a disaster,” Haley said. “Dave!” she whispered. “Focus! Think Hillsdale, school—what's your topic today?”

“What? Oh, right. The topic of the day is…it's…um…”

“Getting into college,” Annie prompted. “SAT prep and all that.”

“No, no.” Dave shook his head. “I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about my trip to outer space. I saw the stars up close, and do you know what they looked like? Broken glass. Really, really shiny broken glass, with a number on each shard, and the numbers form a code….”

 

By the next morning, Dave's videocast appeared to be a huge success. His regular audience had tuned in, and when they saw the fiasco, they'd texted all their friends and told them to watch “Serious 'n' Delirious” Dave's meltdown live on the Net. Soon clips of his show were circulating through in-boxes all over Hillsdale and beyond. People couldn't get enough of it. By the next morning at school, he'd gotten over fifty thousand hits. When Haley saw a girl walk by with a
Late Night with Madman Metzger
sticker on her school binder, she knew Dave's cult following was cemented. And she was pretty certain Annie was not going to be happy with all the negative attention her boyfriend had garnered overnight. What would all the admissions officers think?

Dave's videocast was quite the comedy sketch, only the joke was on him. Has Dave really gone postal? Too much studying and not enough sleep can wreak havoc on the best minds—and all the studying in the world won't help Dave's grades if his brain stops working. How will Dave react to the demands of his online peers for more Madman Metzger and Serious 'n' Delirious Dave? And how does Annie feel about all the people tuning in to poke fun at her boyfriend? Does Dave even realize people aren't laughing
with
him?

If you think Haley should stick around to help Dave deal with his newfound fame, go to
"FIGHTING WORDS"
. If, on the other hand, you think she's had enough of Dave and Annie's overdrive craziness and needs a little fun herself, send her to
"CASINO NIGHT"
.

Sometimes you've just got to roll with the punch lines.