What It Is (7 page)

Sergeant Wilkinson stood up and held out his hand. “I’m sorry, Sarah, but it’s just not possible.”

“What if I got you doctors’ reports or something, or a form from the hospital that says my kidney is OK?”

I was desperate at this point to find a solution to this problem but it was to no avail. I could see by the look on Sergeant Wilkinson’s face that he wasn’t going to let me join the army that day or any day, so I stopped talking and stood up. “Thank you for your time,” I said softly; I couldn’t look him in the eyes because I didn’t want him to see the tears welling up in mine.

“So you don’t join the army!” he exclaimed. “Go home to Mom and Dad and go to college and be that writer you want to be.”

I couldn’t stand in front of him anymore and listen to him try to give me advice about going home to “Mom and Dad.”

“Thank you again,” I said, and I turned around, walked out of his office, collapsed onto a small couch in the waiting area outside of the recruiting office door, and buried my head in my hands.
What a fool I am! What kind of a stupid girl decides to do something like this? Where will I go, what will I do?
I felt like Scarlett O’Hara for a moment, watching Rhett Butler walk away from her forever.
And no one gives a damn!

I dropped my hands from my face and rubbed the scar underneath my belly button.
It’s her fault
, I thought angrily,
It’s her fault I have this problem, I’m sure of it! I’m not even around her and she is still ruining my life.
Once I started blaming Mom for my problem I began to feel better, and I was able to stop crying and compose myself while I waited for Justin to come out of the navy office.

I stood up to get a drink from the water fountain across the room and shoved my hands into my front pockets. I felt the slip of paper Aron had given me right before Justin and I left for the recruiting office.
Call me anytime!
he had said to me in the parking lot. Before I could pull the paper out of my pocket, I felt a hard slap on my back.

“I’m in the navy! I’m in the navy!” I turned around and Justin was behind me with a navy baseball cap on his head and a stack of paperwork under his arm. “So, what’s going on with your paperwork?” he asked. “Are you an army brat now?”

I hung my head down and I heard Justin suck in his breath. “Oh no, Sarah, what happened?” he asked.

“Some medical issue, Justin, I don’t know,” I answered sadly. “The guy said that because I only have one good kidney, and we don’t even know how good, I won’t qualify for basic training.”

“This can’t be right!” Justin said. His voice started to get louder. “Does he know that you have nowhere else to go? Why did you tell him in the first place?”

I couldn’t answer his questions fast enough, and I finally held up my hand and cut him off. “Look, Justin, it is what it is. I can’t change it. I can’t sit here and feel sorry for myself over something that isn’t even my fault!” I had decided that this was Mom’s fault, not mine, and I wasn’t going to let her win again. I felt a rush of adrenaline flow through my veins as I thought of emerging victorious over Mom, and I held my head up high. “Justin, I will figure this out. This is not going to stop me!” I fingered the piece of paper in my pocket again and thought of Aron and how kind he was to me; my face began to feel warm, and I smiled. “I’m going to call Aron!” I said, searching Justin’s face for a reaction. Justin’s brow furrowed and he sat down on the little couch in the waiting room.

“Sarah, you just left Matt, and I’ll tell you, Aron is kind of a playboy. He travels every weekend for his job and is only home about two or three days a week. He’s a nice guy and all, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to call him. Maybe you should just…” his voice trailed off and he shook his head. “No, you can’t go back. Call Aron, even if it’s just for a place to crash for a few weeks until you find a job or get enrolled in college.”

It was as if Justin had read my mind; even though I had an immediate attraction toward Aron, my focus was not on getting into another relationship, it was on my survival. Then Justin said something to me that I will never forget: “Sarah, you are a survivor and you always have been.”

I had never considered myself a survivor before. I lived my life believing that I was being punished for something I had done wrong and that I was a bad child for making my mother act the way she did. Mom had spent so many years beating me and degrading me to make me feel that I wasn’t worth being alive and that I was lower than the dirt under her feet that my entire sense of self-worth was gone and I truly believed I deserved everything I got. Being called a survivor almost felt like a badge of honor, and I thought of all of things I
had
survived to make it up to this very point in time. There were numerous occasions in my life where Mom could have killed me or I could have killed myself, but something had always stopped her or stopped from completing the task.
I am a survivor; she could have killed me a million times but I’m still here. I made it!

“Come on, help me find a phone.” I held out my hand and helped Justin off of the couch. As absurd as it sounded, I was placing all of my hopes in Aron allowing me to stay at his place for a week or two until I figured out my next move. Justin stood up and we walked down the hall to the main desk. “May I use your phone for a local call?” I asked the military woman behind the counter.

She picked up the receiver. “Phone number?” she asked with her fingers poised over the numbers. I pulled Aron’s phone number out of my pocket and read his note again. “
Call me anytime.
” I looked at Justin with fear in my eyes and he patted me on the shoulder.

“It’ll be fine,” he said, “just give her the number. Aron will let you stay with him for a little bit. I’ll talk to him too if that makes you feel better.”

I shook my head. “This is my business, and I can take care of it.” I read the number off to the military woman, and she dialed it and handed me the receiver. As the phone rang I started to tremble and shut my eyes.
And hold my trembling hand today. Amen.

“Jewelry Lab!”

I snapped my eyes open and stammered, “Uh…uh…yes. Is Aron there?”

“Yeah, hold on a second, I’ll get him.” I heard the person on the other end put the receiver down and holler, “Aron!”

Oh God, I should just hang up. I can’t believe I’m doing this. He is going to think I’m so stupid.
But before I could hand the receiver back to the woman behind the counter I heard, “This is Aron.”

It was now or never. “Um…Aron? This is Sarah, Justin’s friend?” I was ending every sentence with a question mark as if I didn’t expect Aron to remember who I was.

“Yeah!” Aron said. “What’s going on? Is something wrong, do you guys need me to pick you up or something?”

I smiled. “No, no, no, everything’s fine with the car,” I answered. “I have a problem and I…I…” I couldn’t get the words out. I took a deep breath and hurriedly said, “I can’t join the military and I have nowhere to go.” I tensed up, gritted my teeth, and gripped the phone receiver until my knuckles turned white. I was fully expecting Aron to express sympathy for me and regretfully inform me that he couldn’t do anything for me and that I called the wrong person for help. I turned around to Justin and he gave me a reassuring smile as I waited for Aron’s response.

I didn’t have to wait long; after a brief pause, Aron said, “Of course I’ll help you out. What, do you need a place to stay for a little bit or something?”

My heart leapt and my teeth began to unclench. “Yes, it wouldn’t be long; just long enough for me to get enrolled into college,” I replied.

“Well, I’m actually on my way out for a remount show and will be out of town until Monday evening. You can stay in my place while I’m gone.”

Aron’s chivalry was blowing me away; I couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to say yes to me and be so willing to help me out in a tough situation. “Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly. “You don’t even know me and you’ll let me stay at your place?”

Aron laughed and said, “Yeah, I’m pretty trusting! But seriously, if you’re Justin’s friend, then you’re my friend and you won’t be sleeping on the street if I can help it. You can tell me what happened with the military when I get back. For right now, just know that you have a place to sleep, there’s food in the fridge, and I’ll run home before I leave and leave the door unlocked for you, and I’ll leave the key under the mat.”

“Aron, thank you so much. You have no idea what you have just done for me.” I was tearing up again but this time it was not out of sadness or pain, it was pure joy. I felt like God had shut one door and opened another for me, and although I was only guaranteed a place to stay for a couple of weeks, it was better than dragging myself back home and crawling back to Mom or Richard admitting defeat.

“Awe. Stop it. I’ll go home now and unlock the door. I’ll call and check in on you later on this evening; just have Justin drop you back at the apartment before he heads out of town.” Aron stopped. “Justin isn’t living with me too, is he? He made it in, right?”

I laughed out loud. “No, it will just be me. Thank you so much, Aron.”

“I’ll call you tonight,” Aron said. He hung up the phone, and I handed the receiver back to the woman behind the counter and turned to Justin and threw my arms around his neck.

“It’s OK! He’s going to let me crash there for a couple of weeks!” Justin put his arms around me and said, “I still don’t feel good about it, Sarah. I feel responsible for you, and I’m leaving you here by yourself with a guy you just met.” He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. “Are you sure that you are OK with this? I can work something out with the navy, maybe put basic off for a couple of weeks…”

“Justin, stop! You aren’t putting off the navy! I will be fine. Didn’t you say that there was a private university in this town and a community college? I can just go to school.” I had already started to formulate my plan for getting out of Aron’s apartment in a couple of weeks; I didn’t want to become a burden to someone I had just met, and I didn’t want to have to rely on anyone to help me anymore. I wasn’t afraid of doing this by myself; in fact, I felt stronger and more sure of myself than ever. I had a high school diploma and a small college scholarship in my back pocket, and I thought that would be a start or a foot in the door to a good, paying job.

“All right, Sarah, let’s go to my car,” Justin said, and we walked out the front doors and into the parking lot.

“What the hell are you going to do with your car?” I asked Justin.

“Well, I was going to drive to MEPS with you and my sister was going to pick it up for me on her way back from college. But since you aren’t going with me…” His voice trailed off and he stopped in his tracks. “Sarah, are you sure about this? I just feel so badly about what happened in there. If I knew that would happen I would have never gotten your hopes up.”

I rolled my eyes; I understood Justin’s concern and why he felt guilty but I was already tired of him questioning my judgment. “Justin, it’s fine. Aron’s not even in town until Monday so that will give me time to be by myself and take care of college applications or job applications.”

Justin nodded. “I know you’ll be OK, Sarah, I just worry about you, that’s all. So, that’s why I’m leaving you my car. I’ll ride the bus to MEPS with everyone else and just have my sister pick up the car from Aron’s on her way back home later this week.”

“Oh, Justin, you don’t have to do that.” I was taken aback by this act of kindness and Justin’s continued show of generosity.

“Yes I do, Sarah, so please don’t argue and just accept it. At least this way you’ll have a chance to get around and visit the colleges tomorrow or fill out some job applications without worrying about a ride.” Before I could open my mouth to thank him, Justin gave me a slap on the back. “Come on, help me unload my duffle bag from the trunk and I’ll draw you a map back to Aron’s.”

Once Justin’s bags had been unloaded and he had drawn me directions back to Aron’s apartment I gave him a final hug before I got into the driver’s seat and prepared to pull out. “Thank you so much, Justin; you saved my life,” I said tearfully.

“No, I just gave you a ride,” he said with a smile on his face. “I’ll be back from basic in a few weeks and I’ll be checking in on you, deal?”

“Deal” I said, and I backed up and waved good-bye to one of the best friends I ever had or ever would have.

Justin’s directions back to Aron’s apartment were extremely easy so it took me less than ten minutes to drive the few miles back. I saw that Aron’s car was gone from his parking space and I felt a tinge of disappointment at not being able to see him or talk to him before he left. I parked the car and lugged my Hefty bags back up the same stairs I had taken the day before to apartment sixteen. I looked under the doormat and Aron had kept his word: underneath was his house key and wrapped around it was a hundred-dollar bill.
What a decent guy
, I thought as I let myself in.

Once the door shut behind me, it hit me how alone I was. I had woken up that morning thinking I was going to be on a bus or in Justin’s car to MEPS to join the military and leave forever; and here I stood now, unwanted by the military and crashing in the apartment of a guy I had met less than one day ago. I waited to feel scared and to start weeping about how lonely I was, but the scared feeling never came and my eyes remained dry. I was confident that I would be able to find my way and make the best out of my current situation.

I had just unpacked one of my Hefty bags and put a frozen pizza into the oven when I heard the shrill ring of Aron’s phone. I hesitated, not knowing if it was appropriate to pick up his phone, and then remembered that Aron had said he would call me that evening.

“Hello?” I said hesitantly into the phone’s receiver.

“Hey! You aren’t going through my underwear drawer are you?” Aron’s voice sound so joyful and happy, the sound of it made my heart light.

“Not yet,” I said. “Aron, you didn’t have to leave that money for me; there was enough food here, and Justin lent me his car until his sister picks it up…”