What Not to Were

Published 2015

ISBN: 978-1-62517-897-8

Published by Book Boutiques. Copyright © 2015, Dakota Cassidy

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of Book Boutiques.

This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents and dialogues in this book are of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is completely coincidental.

Manufactured in the USA by Book Boutiques

[email protected]

Previously Published: (2015)
What Not to Were, Romancing the Paranormal Anthology

Dear Readers,

Please note, I’ve taken license with the lovely town of Paris, Texas, because it worked so perfectly for my werewolf Calla’s journey and was originally featured in Calla’s friend Winnie’s book, titled
Witched At Birth
(though,
What Not To Were
is totally a stand-alone read). First, I turned the town into a paranormal-palooza—dripping with witches, werewolves, and magic.

Second, I’ve fictionalized it to a degree, creating street names to suit me and places I’m certain don’t exist, but I kept the amazing Eiffel Tower with the red cowboy hat on top—because it’s just too awesome a structure to ignore.

That said, to anyone who reads this and lives in Paris, no disrespect intended. I lived in Plano, Texas, for nine years and I love Texans. Y’all are some of the best folks on the planet!

Dakota Cassidy xxoo

Acknowledgements

Editor: Kelli Collins

Cover Art: Renee George

“S
o, I hear someone went to see Miss Dottie about a Brazilian wax. Could that
someone
be you, Calla Allen?” Winnie Yagamawitz asked, taking a big bite of her cupcake, her white teeth sinking deeply into the pink-and-purple swirled frosting.

Calla batted her eyelashes at her friend and fanned herself flirtatiously with her free hand while she used the other to brush Flora Watkins’ hair. “Why, whatever are you implyin,’ Miss Winnifred?” she asked in her best southern accent, knowing full well to what her friend was insinuating.

The intimate consummation of her relationship with Nash Ryder.

The final frontier.

Or as her Grandpa Ezra, all her favorite seniors at Hallow Moon Senior Center, and her iguana Twyla Faye called it, The Jamboree of Genitals.

Flora swatted in the air, her weathered hand reaching for Calla’s fingers. “You know exactly what she means, young lady. She wants to know what every last one of us in this infernal babysitters’ club for Poise Pad wearers wants to know: Are you and that hot young bronco Nash Ryder gonna do it or ain’t ya?”

Winnie chuckled, tucking her infant son, Ben Junior, in the crook of her arm before licking icing from her fingers. “Winner-winner-chicken-dinner! That’s exactly what I’m implyin’, Miss Watkins. No one gets a wax just because—especially if it’s from Miss Dottie, who can’t see two inches in front of her. It’s an ungodly pain we only suffer for men. Men we plan to do the do with.”

Calla’s cheeks went bright red when Flora referred to Nash Ryder. “Shhh, my grandfather’s in the kitchen today!”

As though that made a difference. He’d been campaigning hard for this thing between she and Nash like he was running for office.

On cue, Ezra Allen poked his head out of the swinging double doors leading to the kitchen of her small daycare for the elderly, carrying Twyla Faye, her accidentally adopted iguana slash abandoned familiar, under his arm.

He cackled, his wrinkled face and fluffy white beard making her smile. Well, until he said, “My girl’s gettin’ lucky tonight! Right, Twyla Faye?”

“Gramps!” Calla chastised, leaning over to give her very reluctant pet a scratch on the head.

Twyla Faye slow-blinked and stretched in her grandfather’s arms. “Y’all,” she drawled, slow and easy, her words hissing in a sensuous stream, “are plum batty in this town. Bettin’ on the sexin’ is unseemly. Shame on all you dirty birds.”

Winnie giggle-snorted, wiggling her fingers at Ezra. “Mornin’, Paw-Paw! And Twyla Faye, you hush, Oh Scaly One. As I recall, you were the first one lining up to put ten dollars in the pool.”

Twyla Faye hissed, swishing her tail and lifting her chin. “How can y’all expect me to resist temptation in a town full of heathens? It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah in these parts.”

Hold up. The entire town was betting on whether she and Nash were going to have sex tonight? “The pool?” Calla asked, cocking her head.

Winnie’s eyes twinkled, ignoring Calla’s question. “So I see you’re as excited as the rest of us, Ezra?”

He winked, setting Twyla Faye on the floor, where she scurried off to sit between Calla’s feet. “Just like Christmas and my birthday, Winnie The Pooh. So you make sure you put my name in it like ya promised, you hear? And don’t forget the raffle. Don’t wanna miss a chance to win free beer for a year at Skeeter’s.”

“Me, too!” Clive Stillwater, one of the oldest warlocks in the town of Paris, Texas, chimed from across the room, where he was eyeball-deep in an intense game of chess with Roscoe Brown.

Calla shook a finger at him, planting her hands on her hips with a grin. “No booze. You can’t have beer, Clive, and you know it. What happened the last time you had alcohol?”

He rasped an exaggerated sigh and sat up straight as though he were appalled. “I borrowed a broom. What of it?”

“Now, Clive, it was more than just borrowing a broom, good buddy. You stole Joellen Landry’s broom—a very
powerful
broom—and ended up in the middle of a cornfield in Oklahoma. You know, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains?”

“I was headed to the casino. The blackjack was callin’. Woulda made it, too, if not for that strong wind comin’ in from the north.”

“No beer
forever
Clive!” she singsonged, smiling in satisfaction at his resounding grunt.

He didn’t always like the suggestions for a healthier lifestyle Calla insisted they follow while at the center, but he always followed her rules.

Now, down to this business of beer for a year…

Calla sat at one of the dining tables in the rec room across from Winnie and tapped the table with a fingernail, freshly polished just for tonight. “Hellooo? Explain the pool. Beer for a year? Someone wanna fill me in?” She looked down at her feet where Twyla Faye had swiftly settled by her sneakers. Calla gave her a nudge. “Twyla Faye?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“What good are you to me if you don’t do your job as my pet, Twyla Faye? Aren’t you supposed to be my faithful, loyal companion?”

Twyla Faye harrumphed. “I think you have me confused with Lassie, Sugarplum. And as I get to recollectin’, you didn’t even want me as your pet.”

Calla rolled her eyes. “Don’t you play the ‘poor, unwanted me’ game, miss. As I get to recollectin’, Sassy Pants, you didn’t exactly give me a choice. You were just there, under the cabinets back in the kitchen. Next thing I know, you were in the middle of my bed, demanding Egyptian cotton sheets and organic kale.”

Twyla Faye was a familiar—a failure of a familiar, as far as her prior witch was concerned. She’d left the poor thing high and dry when she’d skipped town a month before Calla moved in and took over her grandfather’s building.

As one of the rare werewolves in a town full of witches, Calla had no need for a familiar, but Twyla Faye had followed her home that very night and they’d been together—begrudgingly so, if you listened to TF—ever since.

She was crusty, and difficult, and demanded only the best organic produce Calla could get her hands on, but she’d grown to love her saucy, unfiltered lizard.

Twyla Faye tsked her disapproval with the flick of her tongue. “Oops. My bad. Surprise! You adopted an iguana. And speaking of Egyptian cotton, I’m off to take my mid-morning nap. I need to be well rested for my
House of Cards
binge-watch. That Kevin Spacey can whip whatever majority he wants outta me, honey.”

With that, she scurried along the floor and through the kitchen, which led to the connecting upstairs apartment Calla shared with her grandfather.

Calla’s eyes went to Winnie, narrowed and suspicious. “So, the pool. Explanations, anyone? Bueller?” Her gaze shot around the sunny rec room, where every one of her seniors was suspiciously otherwise engaged.

Winnie avoided Calla’s eyes and mumbled somewhere in the vicinity of the floor. “Okay, so there might be people betting on whether you and Nash are going to make this relationship official tonight. But! It’s all from a good place.”

“The place called free beer?” She wanted to be mad. She should be mad. But when Winnie said it came from a good place, she meant it. The people of Paris truly cared about her and Nash—and apparently, beer.

“Okay, fine. I might as well tell you all of it. There’s chicken wings, too.” Winnie winced, guilt all over her face. “But it’s just a bucket. Not nearly as big as the beer, if you ask me.”

“Well duh. Who in their right mind would pass up a bucket of chicken wings from Skeeter’s?”

Glenda-Jo Ledbetter clucked her tongue from the corner of the room as she peered at her hand of cards. “I passed ’em up.”

Calla beamed a smile at her. “Aw. For me? You’re my favorite witch ever, Glenda-Jo.”

“I didn’t do it for you, Legs. I did it because they give me indigestion. Spent near two hours in the latrine last time I had ’em. Never again,” Glenda Jo said on a grin, to the tune of raucous cackling from the other witches she was playing canasta with.

Winnie redirected Calla’s attention by snapping her fingers. “Forget all that. Get to the part where you tell me why you were at Miss Dottie’s for a wax. It has to be because you’re going to take this relationship to a deeper level.”

Calla raised one eyebrow and grabbed a stack of cloth napkins to fold for the impending lunch hour. “How much ya got riding on it?”

“Twenty bucks,” she confessed, her eyes downcast, but her shoulders shaking with laughter. “Now, the wax. It has meaning. I just know it.”

Calla shrugged and feigned indifference, trying to hide her smile. “Not necessarily true. Sometimes we women wax so we can wear bikinis to prevent people from pointing and laughing, or calling in the Bigfoot enthusiasts even.”

“Because there’s so much ocean here in Paris, Texas, that you have a need for a bikini?” Winnie teased.

“Well now, there’s the community pool. If I showed up looking like the long-lost relative of Sasquatch, the way people talk in this town, the ladies of the Bluebonnet Society would be taking up collections for a case of Bic razors before you could say ‘unsightly hair’.”

Winnie scoffed. “The community pool’s been drier than the Mohave ever since little Rhoda Lipstein was practicing elemental spells and drained it. The lifeguard said there was no reason to refill it since the season was almost over. So try again.”

Okay, so she’d gotten a wax. Guilty as charged. But when she didn’t confirm or deny the state of her wax, Winnie poked her.

“Look here, Calla, we’ve all watched for three solid months while you and our favorite cowboy Nash Ryder have circled each other like a clumsy duo, dancing the tango on
Dancing with the Stars
. We’ve waited. We’ve held our collective breath until we were all blue in the face. In fact, I’m pretty sure Patsy Pinkerton did turn blue in the face at one point. One of my wayward parolee witches even did a mating dance ritual with one hand tied behind her back while she read Shakespearean sonnets on the second night of the full moon at exactly 2:08 a.m. in order to—”

“A Shakespearean mating dance? Did it go something like, ‘How do I bang thee? Let me count the ways’?” Calla was still getting used to how close-knit this community was, how they rallied around when you were down and stuck their witchy noses into everyone’s business with the staunch justification it was for your own good, like it or not.