What She Left for Me (26 page)

Jana watched as Taffy interacted with the crowd. No one seemed to mind at all that her great-aunt had dressed more for a Washington, D.C., social than for a small Montana birthday party. They loved her. They adored Taffy Anderson.

And why not? The woman was a friend to all. She had generously donated to the town’s various fundraisers. She was faithful to her church congregation and a true neighbor to anyone in need.

How does she live like this and survive with her feelings intact?
Jana questioned. Surely there were those who condemned her silliness and her ostentatious fashion. But even if there were, Taffy probably just laughed it off. Jana could almost hear the kind of reply she might have.

“Why should I deny myself the pleasure of dressing up if I want to? Who cares what other people think, Jana? You have to be true to yourself and to God.”

That thought only served to prick Jana’s heart. Be true to God. What did that mean? She felt so awkward when even considering her faith and what it meant to her life. Taffy had admonished her to give God another chance, but how exactly was she supposed to do that?

A small country-western band struck up a lively dance number, and soon all of Fourteenth Street was filled with couples doing a Montana two-step. Jana smiled at the excitement generated by the music and pushed her worry about God aside. Most of these people seemed genuinely happy with each other—pairs who fit together, as though made for each other.

An ache built inside Jana’s heart. It radiated from within and filled her like no other pain. She was alone. Rob was dead. There was no hope of his coming back to apologize and start again. But even so, Jana was beginning to wonder if what they’d had really had been love, after all.

“Taffy certainly knows how to host a party,” a man declared as he came to stand by Jana.

She looked up and noted it was the same pastor she’d run into outside the flower shop. She stiffened but pasted a smile on her face. “Yes. Yes, she does.”

“I know I gave you my card, but I didn’t properly introduce myself last time we met. I’m Kevin Clifford.”

“The preacher,” Jana said dryly.

“Yes, but I’m also a friend of your aunt’s.”

“The entire world is friends with Taffy,” Jana replied, glad to turn the focus away from herself.

“That’s because she makes herself a friend to everyone around her.” He turned and watched the dancers for a moment. The band began a cowboy waltz, and Stanley and Taffy were leading off.

Jana wondered if Taffy missed Cal and if it were Cal she thought of when she allowed Stanley to take her in his arms. It seemed that Cal and Taffy had had a wonderful marriage. At least Taffy talked of her time with Cal as though it had been something truly special.

“When is the baby due?” Kevin asked, pulling her from her reflection.

“December.” Jana looked up to find him smiling. “What?”

“My sister is due in December as well. I’m going to be an uncle for the first time.”

Jana couldn’t help but smile too. “Well, congratulations.” But as soon as the words were out of her mouth she felt awkward again. Taffy would tell her to just be honest with the man, while Eleanor would say to give him the cold shoulder and walk away. Given that Taffy was much happier than her mother, Jana decided to give her great-aunt’s way a try.

“I’m sorry. I’m not very comfortable with you,” she finally admitted. “I guess I’m afraid you’ll break into some soul-saving speech or something.”

He laughed, and it instantly relaxed Jana. “I’m not known for that, to tell you the truth. I do speak the Word of God and do have a passion for saving souls, but I try to let God lead me in conversations that include those things.”

Jana nodded. “I didn’t want you to think I hated you or anything just because you’re a pastor. It’s not that. I’m just uncomfortable.”

“I can imagine. You’ve been through a great deal. Your husband’s death must have been a real shock.”

“It was worse still when they called me to make funeral arrangements. I had no desire to be a part of that.”

“What did you do?”

Jana shrugged. “Delegated it to someone else. I arranged for some friends at the church in Spokane to take charge.”

“So you didn’t go back for the funeral?”

“No. I figured I’d already buried him, in a sense. When he left me for his secretary, it was the death of what we’d known.”

“I can understand that. So what about the murder itself? Your aunt said she was concerned about whether you would be dragged into that.”

“Nothing came about. I guess between all the character witnesses and Jason’s testimony, they realized there was nothing to charge me with.”

“That had to be a relief.”

Jana couldn’t begin to tell him what a relief it was. Final word had come only two days ago. “It was huge. I didn’t realize how much I’d been fretting and worrying over it. But when the call came, I nearly broke down.”

“It’s still going to take a good long time to put this behind you. The baby will be both a help and a reminder. You should prepare your heart for that.”

She looked at him oddly. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“Well, the baby could end up reminding you more of what happened. You might even find that you start distancing yourself from your child because he reminds you of your husband.”

“I won’t do that!” Jana insisted a bit louder than she’d intended. “I won’t desert my child. It won’t be his fault that his father was a jerk.” Her anger poured out. “I’m not my mother.”

It was Kevin’s turn to look a bit puzzled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Jana suddenly felt embarrassed. He hadn’t done anything wrong. “I’m sorry,” she said, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “Some topics are just difficult. I think I’ll head back to the house. Please excuse me.”

“Of course. I am really sorry that you have so much to go through. I hope you know that you are welcome to join us at church. Taffy would love to have you there, and so would everyone else. We’ve been praying for you.”

Jana started to quip off a sarcastic remark, then thought better of it. “Thank you,” she said instead and hurried toward the house.

Making her way to the backyard gate, Jana slipped inside and sighed. She hadn’t meant to lose her temper that way, and the pastor certainly didn’t deserve it.
It’s just so hard,
she thought.
Hard to make sense of my life and all that is transpiring around me. How do I put the pieces back together? How do I make it all work?

She walked across the lawn and around the house and found her mother sipping tea in the garden.

“I thought you’d be enjoying the party,” Jana said.

“I am. In my own way.”

Jana thought her mother looked older—more weary. It bothered Jana, especially when she thought it might have something to do with her own arrival. “Taffy certainly knows how to have a good time,” she offered, growing uncomfortable.

“She does. She knows how to be happy and have fun. All the things that have eluded me,” Eleanor said honestly. “Sometimes I envy her and other times I despise her.”

“Why?” Jana couldn’t help but ask. She’d fully intended to head upstairs and soak in a nice hot bath, but something in her mother’s tone held her captive. It was so out of character for her.

“I guess because she’s so comfortable in her own skin. She’s truly happy. I’ve not ever known anyone as happy as Taffy.”

Jana sat down at the table and looked at her mother as if seeing her for the first time. “You’ve really not been happy, have you, Mother?”

Eleanor considered this for a moment. “I never felt that I could afford to be happy, Jana. I guess it stems from childhood.” She paused and Jana feared that would be the end of the conversation.

“I’ve given a lot of thought to the questions you’ve asked,” her mother began again. “Questions about the past—your father—my childhood. I was always convinced that if I forced the memories to remain in the past and refused to think about anything unpleasant, those things couldn’t hurt me. They’d have no power over me.”

“I’ve often thought the same,” Jana admitted. “Maybe because that’s the way you raised me.”

“Maybe,” Eleanor said. “This is hard for me to say, but I hope you’ll hear me out.”

Jana nodded. Wild horses couldn’t drag her from this spot. Her mother was actually opening up, and Jana wasn’t having to force the words from her. Her mother was actually volunteering information.

“You were a part of the past I put from me. I see that now. I didn’t see it at the time. I thought I was helping you to be strong and self-sufficient. I thought I was molding you into a responsible human being who wouldn’t be dependent upon anyone—not parents, not a man . . . not even God.” Her mother’s gaze grew distant. “I wanted you to avoid the pain and misery that I’d known. I wanted you to be safe from the things people might do to you. I figured if you trusted no one—if you stood only on your own two feet—then you would call the shots. You would determine what to allow in your life. But now,” her mother said, shaking her head, “now I know it was more than just that.” She looked at Jana. Her eyes were piercing, searching. “I didn’t understand that I was putting you away as systematically as I was every other thing or person who could hurt me.”

Jana started to say something but held her tongue. Her mother was making a confession of sorts, and she didn’t want to interfere.

“Jana, you were a hard reminder of the days gone by. You were a reminder of the pain and sorrow I’d endured. You were like a doorway, and by keeping you close at hand, I feared I might actually pass through the threshold into the awful truth of what had been.

“I know it wasn’t right—I see that now. You weren’t to blame, but you were an intricate part of it. I did what I did to protect my heart, but I didn’t think about what it would do to yours.”

She looked away again. “I sentenced you to as much misery as I had known—by my own hand. Now that I see it, it’s almost more than I can bear. I was selfish. I was terrified.”

“Of what?” Jana couldn’t help but ask.

“Of you,” Eleanor replied, turning back to meet her daughter’s eyes. “Don’t you see? I’d known all sorts of rejection and lies. Fierce betrayals that I couldn’t bear to endure even in memory. I couldn’t risk that happening again. I couldn’t risk growing close to a child—loving that child—and then being rejected by that child.

“I knew that if I poured my life into you, I would end up being hurt. Sooner or later you would betray me, and Jana, I couldn’t let that happen. I knew that if it did, I’d go insane.”

“Insane?” Her mother’s choice of words surprised Jana.

“Yes. Things had happened that had nearly destroyed me. I knew, unlike most of the people around me, that I wasn’t the strong character they thought me to be. I was barely hanging on by a thread. I constantly thought of suicide.”

“You?”

She nodded slowly. “I wanted to die—I thought it was the only way to forget the past completely. I truly figured to take my life, but things happened and I found it impossible.”

“What happened? What things kept you from killing yourself?”

For several minutes Eleanor said nothing. Then the answer came in a voice that was almost inaudible. “You.”

Jana took in her mother’s statement and shook her head. “Me?”

“I found out I was pregnant with you. I could reconcile taking my own life, but not yours. You weren’t to blame for my unhappiness, although my guess is I made you feel that you were. I just wanted a way out, but there never has been a viable option.” She sighed. “There still isn’t.”

“You still wish you were dead?” Jana dared the question, her heart breaking for her mother. It was the first time in a long while that she’d felt something more than hatred and anger.

“I don’t wish myself dead. I just wish the memories would stop . . . the pain would end. You have to understand, Jana, your coming here brought so many things back to me. I don’t know how to deal with that, and because of it,” she said honestly, “I don’t know how to deal with you.”

Jana searched her heart for the right words. “I wasn’t asking to be dealt with. I just wanted to be loved.”

“I know, and in the only way I knew how, I have loved you. But I wasn’t strong enough to be a real mother. I don’t know that I am strong enough now. I know you hate me because of that, but I can’t help it. I’m weak, and frankly, I’m terrified of the future for you and this baby.”

Her words caught Jana off guard. “Why?”

“Because I know how hard it is to be a single mother. Because I know how difficult it is to invest yourself in a situation where so much pain has walked before you.” Her voice broke. “I don’t want you to end up like me, Jana.”

Jana reached out on instinct and covered her mother’s hand with her own. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Nothing she could say would add comfort or well-being to her mother’s state of mind. Perhaps this simple gesture would relay her thoughts.

I want to start over,
Jana thought.
I want to begin again. It’s not too late. I just know it’s not too late.