What She Left Us (6 page)

“Oh
God, you’re not an
Office
fan too, are you?”

“Gotta
love Michael Scott. That show went to shit when Steve Carell left though.”

“It
sure did,” Courtney agreed.

When
they arrived at Stu’s Sandwich Shoppe, they ordered turkey and cheese subs, and
when Mitch ordered his with grilled onions, Courtney grimaced.

“Skip
the onions,” he said to the guy behind the counter.

“You
sure you want to do that?” Courtney teased.

“If
that means more of what went on in the elevator, I’ll skip them.”

After
lunch, Mitch took Courtney to a spot on campus she had never been to – a little
lagoon area hidden away behind the music building. There was a small bridge
that led to a gazebo settled right into the middle of the lagoon. Swans and
ducklings swam in the water, and sunlight trickled through the trees. The fall
breeze was crisp and it was just enough of an Indian summer day that the warmth
of Courtney’s sweater was perfect for the day’s temperatures.

“Okay,
how is this your first couple months on campus, but you know of this place?”
Courtney asked.

“It’s
where all the stoner musicians come to get high before classes,” Mitch laughed.

Courtney
smiled, pretty sure he was joking.

“Come
on, let’s go to the gazebo.” They walked over the bridge. “Seriously though,
they do wedding ceremonies out here sometimes, and college events. I’m
surprised it’s so quiet out here today since it’s parent’s weekend, but I think
most of the events were being held over on the south side of campus. There’s
like no one out here.”

“I
know,” Courtney said. “It’s a good thing I trust you.”

“You
do?”

“Well,
kind of. I mean, I’m in charge of you. They’ll know if you kill me that it was
you.”

“Not
really. No one saw you leave with me.”

“Uh,
yeah, everyone saw you kiss me in the elevator. There are cameras in there,”
Courtney replied.

“Oh
shit. Well, now that they've got video, I guess you better figure it out if you
and I are allowed to be doing this,” Mitch said.

They
reached the gazebo and sat down on the benches inside. Mitch unzipped his
guitar and grabbed the neck of it, and was tuning it up.

“Doing
what?” Courtney asked.

“This,”
Mitch said.

He
put his guitar down, leaned over to Courtney and kissed her. While for the
immediate moment, the music was forgotten, Courtney felt like she was hearing
music all around her. He moved her on the bench so that he was positioned over
her as he kissed her, and even though it wasn’t the most comfortable place to
be, Courtney didn’t want to be anywhere else.

They
kissed for a long while, his hands moving all over her body, and Courtney was
heating up, her sweater no longer needed. Still, he didn’t go any further, just
kept kissing her, and moving his hands along the length of her body. She
shifted a bit and lifted her knee up between his legs and felt the hardness of
him, his body strong and lean. She ran her hands under his shirt, felt his firm
muscles, the smoothness of his skin. She didn't want to stop kissing him. She
had never had anyone kiss her like this before. It was as if that was all he
wanted to do, that he was content with just this. This touching and kissing. It
felt amazing.

Mitch
looked into her eyes. “You’re very pretty Courtney,” he said, “And not only
that, I like you.” He smiled down at her, and moved her hair from her face.

She
whispered, “Thank you. I like you too.”

“Can
I play some music for you?”

“Anything
you want,” she exhaled slowly. “Anything at all.”

He
kissed the tip of her nose, tucked another short piece of her hair behind her
ear, helped her up, grabbed his guitar, and began to strum his guitar.

Jenna
had opened the door to see her little sister with a backpack and an overnight
bag. She knew she was coming home for fall break but it was still a surprise to
see her. “Oh my gosh, you look so great!” Courtney dropped her bags and pulled
her in for a huge hug.

“I
can’t believe how much I’ve missed you. Two and a half months is really too
long to go without seeing you,” Courtney said. “It’s ridiculous!”

They
pulled apart and looked at one another, then Courtney said, “You’ve lost
weight. Like a lot.”

“Just
a few pounds.”

“No,
more than that. What’s going on,” Courtney asked suspiciously. Jenna could
never keep anything from Courtney once they were face to face.

“Truth?”

“Of
course truth. We’re sisters.” Courtney eyed Jenna. “Is it because of Mom still?
Are you having a harder time than you’re letting on?”

Courtney
and Jenna had moved into the apartment and Courtney took over. She went into
the kitchen and pulled out the orange juice, opened it, and sniffed it to make
sure it was still good. “Do you have anything good to eat? Probably not, with
the way you’re looking these days huh?”

“There’s
some chips and salsa in the cabinet.”

“Any
cookies?”

“No,
I don't have any cookies.”

“Okay,”
Courtney grabbed two glasses, filled them with orange juice, led Jenna to the
breakfast table, and they sat. She was feeling very adult, probably because she
was getting so used to the RA gig, and dealing with everyone else’s problems.
“What’s going on?”

Jenna
looked at her sister, wondering where to begin, and then she lost it, burst
into tears. Courtney hadn’t expected this response from her sister at all. In
fact, it completely stunned her.

“Hey,
hey. Oh honey, what’s going on? Oh come on, don’t cry. Are things that bad?
It’s okay, you can tell me. Oh, I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

Jenna
cried and cried. Courtney moved her chair next to hers, and put her arms around
her sister. She let her cry until she was ready to talk.

Finally,
Jenna sniffled. “So, there are a couple of things going on.”

“Okay,
you ready to tell me?” Courtney asked.

“Darren
and I broke up.”

“What?
When!?”

“Right
after Mom’s funeral.”

“Are
you kidding me?! How could that asshole do this to you! Oh my God, I’m going to
kill—”

“Court,
it was me. I broke off the engagement.”

“How
could you? Why? You love him? You still love him, don’t you? Are you insane?”

“I
don’t know,” Jenna said, in between soft sobs. “I’ve only talked with him like
twice since then. He won’t really take my calls. I don’t know really what I
want. I love him, but I don’t think I love him enough to marry him. I know that
sounds completely effed up. I’m completely messed up. I think I need a
therapist.”

“Oh
Jenna.”

“I
don’t know why I did it. It was like three days after Mom’s funeral. I had been
crying non-stop. He was being wonderful. You know how he was. Hell, he
practically chose Mom’s casket. He was by my side for everything. So he went
home that night, probably just to shower and get a change of clothes. I can
only imagine how tough the whole ordeal was on him. He adored Mom. He loved her
to death, and she loved him like he was the son she had always wanted.

“Well,
he was gone for maybe six hours. I went to sleep, slept for maybe three hours,
woke up, and my engagement ring had made an indentation on my cheek. I went
into my bathroom, splashed water all over my face. There were circles under my
eyes. I was a huge mess. I think you were asleep in my guest room. You must
have been. I don’t know where else you could have been. I doubt you were at
Mom’s. Those were the first few days. Neither of us wanted to be there. I still
hate going over there. By the way, we have to, you know, get over there. Soon.”

Courtney
nodded.

“Anyway,
I got up, had horrible dreams, but felt like they were messages of some sort,
and the ring indented itself into my cheek. I washed my face, and thought, ‘Is
this what I really want? Could Darren love me forever?’ And I thought, ‘No.’”

Courtney
looked at her sister like she was completely delirious. Like she was back in
that moment, in the days after her mother had died, when nothing made sense.
She couldn’t believe that Darren would have taken the ring back just like that.
Like their relationship had meant that little to him, like her family had meant
that little to him that he would have taken the ring back and said,
“Okay,
I’ll not be committed to you any longer. It’s no big deal that your mother died
three days ago and I’m okay with you giving me the ring back, and I know you’re
delirious and not thinking straight right now.”
That didn’t sound like
Darren, Courtney thought. There had to be more to this, there just had to be.

“So,
I gave him the ring back,” Jenna said, “I told him I couldn’t do it. And he
didn’t even try to fight it. He didn’t even ask me why. He didn’t even ask me
to think about it. He let me turn away and walk out.”

Courtney
didn’t know what to say to her sister. So instead, she said, “I can’t believe
you kept it from me the whole summer. I can’t believe I didn’t know.”

“Well,
you had to finish school, then you were working most of the summer, and I was
taking a class. Darren worked the night shift. We were dealing with our grief
in our own way. When it comes down to it, we're all pretty private people. Then
you were back to school late July. It wasn’t that hard to keep our breakup from
you.”

“Yeah,
I guess,” Courtney said. “It still doesn’t make sense.”

“I’ve
only talked to him twice,” Jenna said, “and both times had to do with Mom.”

“Why?”

“I
got Mom’s autopsy report back. She died of a disease called hereditary hemochromatosis.
You and I might have the gene for the disease. We need to get some tests.”

“You’re
really that freaked out about this?” Courtney asked after Jenna explained about
the iron overload that could be happening in their bodies that very moment, and
the repercussions if they carried the gene for hemochromatosis.

“Well,
yes. It’s very serious. My God Court. Mom
died
from this.”

“Yeah,
but it seems from everything that you’ve explained, if we do have it, there are
things we can do to control it so that we’ll be totally okay. Right? I mean,
did the doctor three weeks ago tell you, ‘Get the test now or you’re going to
die?’”

“No.”

“I
think you’re being a little hyper about it, that’s all. If we do have to do
something about it, it totally sounds like it’s manageable. You made us appointments
right?”

“Yes.”
Suddenly Jenna felt a bit foolish about how urgent she had made everything
seem, and she wondered if she had in fact made a bigger deal about it than she
should have. “I just, I didn’t know. I mean, this disease killed Mom. I got the
autopsy report. It said that the disease was hereditary and that relatives are
strongly advised to get tested for this type of disease. So yes, of course I
freaked. Why aren’t
you
freaking?”

“I
don’t know why I’m not freaking. I’m just not. I guess I’m not going to worry
about something I can’t control until I know the results.”

“Oh
my God, you
have
grown up these past couple of months. It almost makes
me sick.”

“I
know right? It’s these damn kids I’m in charge of every single day.”

“What
about that kid you like? The guitar player?”

“Mitch?
He's not a kid. He's twenty-two. And he’s good. Very good. Things are going too
well. It's scary almost. I think we might spend part of winter break together.”

“I
hope you mean here at least. I want to meet him.”

“You
will. I want you guys to meet.”

“I
have to say, despite me being so screwed up and miserable lately, I'm happy to
see you happy. I haven’t seen you this optimistic since before Mom died. If
he’s got something to do with it, then I'm really happy for you.”

“Yeah,
I am happy. I'm really happy.”

Jenna
doesn’t know if her first memory of Courtney is a true memory or a memory she’s
captured from a photo. But it’s there, in the forefront of her mind, and she’s
wearing plaid orange and white pants and a frilly Bohemian yellow top holding a
squawking baby squirming out of the tightly bundled blanket. She remembered the
blanket had black and white penguins on it and Jenna thought maybe a baby
penguin was wrapped up inside.

The
first words she remembered hearing from her mother were: “You’re holding her
wrong. Here, let me.” And the baby was swooped out of her arms, like a falcon
grabbing its prey.

When
she was allowed to hold Courtney the next time, Jenna was told to sit with her
bum all the way securely up against the back of the couch, her arm resting
carefully in the corner. Her mom placed Courtney, who was again all tucked up
like a burrito Jenna thought, into the crook of Jenna’s elbow. Jenna could
barely see her little sister and tried to move the blanket away so she could
look at her tiny mouth, to see if maybe she could smile. She pushed the blanket
away from her hands and fingers too. She wanted to touch her sister’s hands,
say hello to her new baby sister.