‘What The Hell Was I Thinking?!!’ - Confessions of the World’s Most Controversial Sex Symbol (16 page)

Obviously when I would do meet and greets, there is a certain expectation among fans that you’ll be as sexy in person as you are on screen in terms of overall persona, and that is one thing. But when I go into the fucking grocery store to buy fruit, you don’t find me sucking on a banana like a dick in the fruit aisle. I know a lot of people wish that were the case, and maybe fantasize it is when they see me out and about in my personal life, but I have NEVER had one of them come up to me and do more than ask for an autograph. I never had an issue getting that respect from my fans, it was always within the industry that I had my battles in the press, or was dubbed as controversial because I was the first to call the business and its slutty-bitch-whore-‘stars’ like Jenna on their shit. Even when I did features, I never did lap dances or danced for dollar-bills. I had a much shorter set, usually 20 minutes, and it was a pre-set fee the club put up in deposit ahead of time to secure my appearance. I would sign stuff afterward, and sell Polaroids for $20 a pop, but it was fucking business to me. I never went out back with some sweaty dude who was willing to pay me $1000 to fuck him, and A LOT of the girls I worked with did JUST THAT. That is the point I am making, I called a lot of them sluts because they were, and drew no distinction for themselves on and off screen. I won’t name any names on the advice of my lawyer, although when I call someone a slut in the press maybe now you have a little better idea of what I’m possibly implying. Anyway, heading into the summer, I had a lot of features scheduled, and had also started to feel the affects of my stardom taking hold in the public’s perception, namely in that I was getting recognized around Los Angeles and on the road a lot more, which I LOVED. One thing I will readily admit I LOVED about the porn business was the stardom it brought me. My ego craved that, and I have no problem admitting that. Any woman who tells you she doesn’t like being desired by thousands of men is lying to both you and to herself. Who wouldn’t? I think this new rapper who just came out recently, Kanye West, said in one of his songs,‘The people highest up have the lowest self ESTEEM.’That explains it in a nutshell, so I didn’t mind the glamour at all, because my ego and confidence was still re-building itself after Dick and Kurt.

The only thing I felt ill about — talking on Stern about the details of the
Gang Bang
 — was that I was lying to everyone, from Howard to the public, and it just didn’t sit right with me. I’ve honestly felt bad about it since that day. I just don’t like lying to people, especially when, in every other facet of my public persona, I was known for saying exactly and explicitly what was on my mind. It was like I was violating my own standard — and I’d certainly already lowered it enough. But I was on national radio lying to sell something, and that worried me always too, that I might be opening myself to some legal exposure. But I had signed a confidentiality agreement with Metro, so I couldn’t talk about ANY of the truth, the only thing I could talk about were the LIES I was telling on the air that day. I would come to tell it so many times, in so many interviews, that I should have probably come to believe it myself. I was certainly convincing. Charlie tried to make me feel like it was part of being an actress, which I never bought, that bullshit they tried to feed into porn stars’ heads that they’re somehow also legitimate actresses. I knew what I did, I knew how people saw it, and I never diluted myself with that illusion. One thing I will give myself props for though, as an actress, was pulling that shit off, because everyone grilled me on it, starting with Howard. I had to be as convincing as a fucking Oscar winner as far as I was concerned. It also made me HIGHLY anticipate the release of the movie myself on one level: to see if John T. Bone actually successfully pulled off the con I had been busy selling to everyone on screen. This might seem small to some of you in the grand scheme of things. I grant you it’s not the same as rigging a ball game or a boxing match but in the circles I traveled and promoted in, it was a big deal to pull off what we did. For me personally, that movie made me too. That whole scam made me the ‘World’s Most Controversial Sex Symbol,’ and selling that image was part of the whole package, bundled with the gang bang movie.

One immediate benefit was my stock shot way up on the feature circuit, even if club owners were billing me as Jasmin St. Claire ‘from the forthcoming’
Gang Bang
movie, in other words, my fee went up a few months before the movie’s release. I really can’t say how much for legal reasons, but it was A LOT. The buzz over the movie also did a lot to shoot my stock up with in the film side of the business, in terms of the BIG male stars who now wanted to work with me. I was getting better at doing one-on-one scenes by that point — which they build to incrementally with porn because many girls are visibly nervous on screen, so they throw in two guys or another girl to distract the focus off of just you. So it meant I was getting more close-ups and had developed longer stamina to keep the sex scene going, so everything just felt like it was naturally elevating — on every level. On the other hand, that meant that certain other ‘name’ female stars, a lot of the time from then on, didn’t want to work with me because they felt I would take attention from them. To be truthful, I didn’t want to work with most of them either, A) because I wasn’t into women, and B) because I didn’t want contact with nasty bitches like Annabel Chong, for instance. Anyway, that was never a problem with my male co-stars, so for my May movie,
Degenerate
, I worked with Tom Byron, and this new comer named Mila, a Russian who Metro had just signed. I didn’t mind working with her. She was very sweet. She was actually probably the first friend I made among my co-workers, to where I went to her house in West Hollywood a few times, went to a picnic there with her family once. We had the same kind of cars, little red Miatas and we used to go hang out together. We lost touch in time, but I have fond memories of her. Anyway, that movie also had scenes with Rick Masters and Dave Hardman — basically who had become the usual suspects in our circle. In June, once I was back off the road from featuring, I went and did the
Madcow Morning Show
to promote
Gang Bang
, which was my first negative media experience. Basically, the asshole kept trying to talk down to me, and expected me to dumb down for his audience I guess, but I wouldn’t play along. I hate being condescended, and I had no problem letting anyone know that I had to — on air or off. I was setting a new standard anyway with the kind of porn I was doing, and in terms of my look, which was more exotic than 90% of my competitors because of my natural ethnic mix, I figured I had nothing to lose speaking my mind. Every time I’d heard a porn star on Stern, they would play up the whole sexy, pool side ‘Howard, I wanna fuck you’ image, and he treated me different right off the bat, and he was definitely qualified to judge.

The summer began with another movie. I also attended the VSDA Convention, which was held in L.A. that year, so I didn’t have to travel and worry about sharing my hotel room with some slut. I signed at our booth all day, and hung out with celebrities like Drew Carey. I also saw Corey Feldman there for the first time since I went on the air talking about his under-sized unit, so the tone between he and I was more business than anything else. We also had another stupid awards show to attend, called ‘Night of the Stars,’ which was similar to the Vegas AVN Awards, but on a smaller level. I traveled up to Las Vegas for that, and I also had a signing at the Metro Booth every day promoting my movie, which had been released that July. Anyway, the awards show was as lame as any other; people were winning awards for like ‘Best Anal Scene’ and ‘Best Boy/Girl Scene,’ shit that was just really stupid. I don’t remember what I was nominated for, but I remember presenting that year. When I got back to L.A., we shot yet another movie and another one in August. The whole affair was routine by that point, professionally speaking. Personally, I hadn’t really been dating anyone, I was really too busy between all the travel I did featuring, but I had made a friend in Lemmy Kilmister from Motorhead, who I was hanging out with quite a bit at that point. I remember one night I passed out on his couch after we’d been out drinking at the Rainbow, and I woke up to see this huge Nazi memorabilia collection in his living room.

Lemmy Kilmister:
I first met Jasmin at the Rainbow. I knew her as a porn star first starting out in L.A., and we exchanged numbers some night and became friends. I remember she actually called me, which was unusual, even for me. Most guys would love to have this beautiful, young chick come over and hang out, and we’d hang out and get naked. She was really cute, and of course, I loved to see Jasmin always, you know. We remained friends throughout her years in and out of porn, but I wasn’t going out with her. She used to come up to my house a few times, and it was really fun, we’d listen to metal. I had a great time with Jasmin, and I really have a soft spot for her.

Jasmin:
We would hang out a lot at his apartment after that, watch movies; just shit like that. He didn’t drive either, so whenever we went out, I was the designated driver, for better or worse. It was a fun and odd relationship, because I had been a huge Motorhead fan all my life, and it was relieving to hang out with a rock star who for once wasn’t trying to fuck me. That September, with my
Gang Bang II
movie release fast approaching, I went back on Jerry Springer for the 3rd time, which went well enough. The audience loved me, and John T. Bone went on with me to help hype the thing.That kind of filth is right up Jerry’s audience’s alley, so I suppose we all felt like bums hanging out behind the same dumpster together. That analogy isn’t totally off either, because in ‘show business’ terms; his ‘set is like a shithole.’ You don’t even have your own dressing room, and you get like a $250 stipend for the whole 2 days it takes to shoot the thing, which I made in an hour featuring. On the other hand, as John continually reminded me, the publicity was priceless.

Heading into the fall, I got on this big feature tour for the Déjà vu Club. It ran all over their chain of clubs in the Midwest and ended in California — 2 clubs a week for 5 weeks. That was grueling, and really took a personal tool on me because I was traveling by myself at that time. Typically, you have a roadie of sorts who travels with you when your tour runs that long, drives, handles your luggage, acts as sort of a personal bodyguard, all of that. Also, I would have to deal at times with DICK club owners, like this one prick at a club in Michigan who wouldn’t pay me or let me leave unless I did another set. Had I had the Blue Meanie with me then, believe me he never would have pulled that shit. I would fly from gig to gig, but the crowds at these clubs were just a frightening flock — straight out of the backwoods from
Deliverance
. I tolerated the clientele because of the money I was pulling down and took them with a grain of salt, but it was very lonely, and had no one to talk to being on the road all the time. This was back before cell phones, so it was just really lonely. That’s the specific word I’d choose to describe that time in my life. Plus I was suspicious that Charlie was stealing some of my deposits, because I would be shorted a little at this club or that one, but it was nothing I could prove conclusively at the time.

On top of that, I had a couple checks from Metro bounce, which were reconciled shortly afterward, but it just made me realize in ways how unstable a business it was in the long-term. That really sharpened my focus on getting out of it as soon as possible, but also gave me resolve to make sure I didn’t leave with nothing. I got home from the tour in mid-October, and spent my birthday alone. I took myself out to the Cheesecake Factory, and I think saw Lemmy, but he was really my only friend to speak of at the time. It’s hard to get close to people when you travel as much as I did, and he and I had that in common as he also toured a lot with his band Motorhead, so that commonality helped us frame our friendship accordingly. Many people in the entertainment business, at least in my estimation, are shallow and insecure, and therein clingy, and by nature in constant need of attention, both on and off screen. I was the opposite, maybe coming from my background in New York and being more naturally independent, but I didn’t really require that. As such, while I got lonely on the road, I also knew better than to try and form any close bonds when I couldn’t give the time and attention it took to maintain those relationships — be they romantic or just platonic.That stance would make me enemies within the business, one example being this cunt named Christy Canyon, who said in some interview my pussy was as big as a Mack Truck. She’s lucky I never ran into her, or I would have ended up in jail for the night and she in the hospital. Most of the shit-talking people did about me happened behind my back, but it was to the press, which is the only reason I heard about it. Why would I then try to go make nice with any of those bitches? Perhaps my initial disinterest in befriending them fueled their standoffish attitude toward me, but I think a lot of it was jealousy too. I was getting a lot of attention during this period. We still all had to play nice at the conventions and Award shows, but that was about it. In November,
Gang Bang II
was finally scheduled to be released, we had the Comdex Convention at the Sahara in Las Vegas, which ended up being the genesis of my and Jenna Jameson’s rivalry.

to the point where Ron Jeremy and I shared a billboard along Las Vegas blvd. I went on
Howard Stern
that weekend to promote the whole thing and Stuttering John made a comment that I was their highest rated porn star guest. Robin Quivers followed-up that I had beat out Jenna Jameson in their ratings. Anyway, that made me feel good, but I guess Jenna heard it and got really pissed as a result because they’d said it on air. To boot, when I was signing later that day on the convention floor, my booth was drawing more of a crowd than Jenna’s. Finally, later that night, while I was out at some nightclub with a friend, a friend of Jenna’s, some cunt named Felicia, came over to a guy I was speaking with and told him if he kept talking to me he’d catch Hepatitis B or some such shit. Well, my friend Angel Hart took umbrage to that, drug her by her hair out of the club. Well, as it happened, the next night, I was co-hosting this show at another club called ‘All NUDE Triple X Review’with Ron Jeremy, which explained our Billboard.