What to expect when you're expecting (72 page)

“My friend heard her baby’s heartbeat at 10 weeks. I’m a week ahead of her, and my doctor hasn’t picked up my baby’s yet.”

Hearing the first lub-dub of your baby’s heartbeat is definitely music to every mom-to-be’s (and dad-to-be’s) ears. Even if you’ve already seen your little one’s steady drumbeat on an early ultrasound, there’s nothing like hearing it through the Doppler (a handheld ultrasound device that amplifies the sound with the help of a special jelly on the belly) in your practitioner’s office.

Even though a heartbeat can be heard as early as the 10th or 12th week with a Doppler, not all expectant moms get to feast their ears on this fetal symphony that early. Your baby’s position may be the cause of the inaudible heartbeat, or maybe the location of the placenta (or extra fat padding your belly) is muffling the sound. A slightly miscalculated due date may also explain why you’re not hearing your baby’s beat yet. By your 14th week, the miraculous sound of your baby’s heartbeat is certain to be available for your listening pleasure. If it isn’t, or if you are very anxious, your practitioner will likely do
an ultrasound, which will see a heartbeat that, for some reason, was difficult to hear with the Doppler.

At-Home Dopplers

Tempted to buy one of those inexpensive prenatal “heart listeners” so you can stay tuned in to your baby’s heartbeat between practitioner visits? Being able to monitor your baby’s heart rate can be loads of fun and may even help you have a better night’s sleep if you’re a stresser by nature. But listen to this: Though these devices are considered safe to use, they’re not as sophisticated as the one your practitioner uses—and most aren’t nearly sensitive enough to pick up fetal heart tones until after the fifth month of pregnancy. Use one before then, and you’ll likely be met with silence instead of a steady beat, which can increase worry unnecessarily instead of putting it to rest. Even later on in pregnancy, at-home Dopplers can’t always pick up what you’re looking for (baby’s position or a bad angle on the device can easily throw off an at-home Doppler). The readings might not be accurate, either—or might be different enough from the ones you’re used to getting at your checkups to prompt undue concern. So do try this at home, if you like (though you should get your practitioner’s okay before placing your order, especially because the FDA requires a prescription for them). Just keep in mind that you get what you pay for, and you might get somewhat less than you bargained for.

The Heart of the Matter

Is it a boy or a girl, and can your baby’s heart rate give you a clue? While old wives—and some practitioners—have been telling. tales for ages (a heart rate of above 140 promises a girl, one under 140 delivers a boy), studies show no correlation between fetal heart rate and gender. It may be fun to make predictions based on your baby’s heart rate (you’ll be right 50 percent of the time, after all), but you might not want to make nursery color choices based on it.

When you do get to hear the heartbeat, listen carefully. Your normal heart rate is usually under 100 beats per minute, but your baby’s will be around 110 to 160 beats per minute during early pregnancy and average between 120 and 160 beats per minute by midpregnancy. Don’t compare fetal heartbeats with your pregnant friends, though—every baby beats to his or her own drummer, and normal fetal heart rates vary a lot.

Starting at about 18 to 20 weeks, the heartbeat can be heard without Doppler amplification, using a regular stethoscope.

“All of my pregnant friends say that they had an increased sex drive early in pregnancy. How come I feel so unsexy?”

Pregnancy is a time of change in many aspects of your life, not the least of them sexual. Hormones, which, as you’ve undoubtedly noticed, play a role in every physical and emotional high and low, also play an important role in sexuality. But those hormones hit every woman differently, turning up the heat for some and throwing ice water on others. Some women who have never had either an orgasm or much of a taste for sex suddenly experience both for the first time when they’re expecting. Other women, accustomed to having a voracious appetite for sex and to being easily orgasmic, suddenly find that they’re completely lacking in desire and are difficult to arouse. And even if your hormones have pushed your passion turn-on button, pregnancy symptoms (that nausea, that fatigue, those painfully tender breasts) can stand between you and a good time. These changes in sexuality can be disconcerting, guilt-provoking, wonderful, or a confusing combination of all three. And they are all perfectly normal.

Most important is recognizing that your sexual feelings during pregnancy—and your partner’s as well—may be more erratic than erotic; you may feel sexy one day and not the next. Mutual understanding and open communication will see you through, as will a sense of humor. And remember (and remind your partner) that many women who’ve lost that loving feeling in the first trimester get it back in the second, in spades, so don’t be surprised if a very warm front moves into your bedroom soon. Until then, you might want to try the tips on the next page to help heat things up.

“Ever since I became pregnant, I’m turned on all the time and I can’t get enough of sex. Is this normal?”

Feeling a little hot under the collar (and under those very snug jeans)? Is your turn-on switch always on? Lucky you. While some women find their sex lives
coming to a screeching halt in the first trimester (what with all those early pregnancy symptoms kicking their libidos out the bedroom door), others—like you—find they just can’t get enough of a good thing. You can thank those extra hormones surging through your body these days, as well as the increase in blood flow to your pelvic region (which can make your genitals feel wonderfully engorged and ever-tingly), for turning up the sexual thermostat. On top (so to speak. of that are the new curves you’re sprouting and the bigger-than-life breasts you’re likely sporting, all of which can make you feel like one sexy mama. Plus, it might be the first time in your sexual life that you’re able to make love when the mood moves you—without having to spoil the moment while you run to the bathroom for your diaphragm or calculate your fertility with an ovulation predictor. This happy state of sensual affairs may be most pronounced during the first trimester, when hormonal havoc is at its height, or it can continue right up until delivery day.

Since your increased sexual appetite is perfectly normal (as is a lack of sexual desire), don’t worry or feel guilty about it. And don’t be surprised or concerned if your orgasms are more frequent or more intense than ever (and if you’re having orgasms for the first time, that’s even more reason to celebrate). As long as your practitioner has green-lighted lovemaking in all its forms (and that’s usually the case), seize the moment and your partner. Explore different positions before that belly of yours makes many of them a physical impossibility. And most of all, enjoy that cozy twosome while you can (and before that libido of yours takes its very likely postpartum nosedive).

“I’m interested in sex all the time, but my husband’s never in the mood these days. I’m starting to take it personally.”

What’s putting your man off his favorite feed now that there’s a bun in the oven? There are several possible explanations. One could be fear—of hurting you or hurting the baby (even though he can’t). Another could be the weirdness factor of making love “in front of” the baby—or the nagging thought that the baby can see or feel his penis when it’s inside you (which, by the way, is giving himself way too much credit). Maybe he’s having a tricky time getting used to the changes in your body or adjusting to the idea that you’re about to become somebody’s mother. Or maybe he’s just so focused on becoming a father that being a lover has taken a back seat. There might even be a physical trigger: Expectant and new fathers often experience a drop in testosterone and a surge in female hormones that can give their libidos a cold shower.

No matter what’s causing your husband to run for cover every time he spies you with “that look,” don’t take it personally. But also don’t resign yourself to a nine-month dry spell. Instead, initiate some frank pillow talk. Tell him how you’re feeling (all revved up and no place to go), and find out what’s going on in his head (which can explain what’s not going on below his belt). Have him read the section on sex starting on
page 255
, as well as Chapter 19, which will reassure him that sex is perfectly safe in a normal pregnacy and that babies are completely oblivious to parental goings-on and gettings-it-on (and completely out of reach, even for the particularly gifted dad). Be understanding and patient if he has baggage he needs to unpack before you hit the sack again. Honest, open communication will allow the two of you to come to a meeting of the minds—and hopefully, a meeting of the bodies.

And don’t just passively wait for love (and him) to land in your lap. Turn
up his heat with some naughty lingerie that accentuates all your new (and dangerous) curves, add some mood lighting and music, and offer up a massage (complete with scented oils). If that just makes him feel more uncomfortable (and more pressured to perform), take the opposite tack. Cozy up on the sofa for some cuddling instead. Perhaps when the pressure’s off, he might feel inspired to jump on the jumping-you bandwagon.

“I get a cramp in my abdomen after orgasm. Is that normal, or does it mean something’s wrong?”

Not to worry—and not to stop enjoying sex, either. Cramping (sometimes accompanied by lower backache)—both during and after orgasm—is common and harmless during a low-risk pregnancy. Its cause can be physical: a combination of the normal increased blood flow to the pelvic area during pregnancy, the equally normal congestion of the sexual organs during arousal and orgasm, and the normal contractions of the uterus following orgasm. Or it can be psychological: a result of the common, but unfounded, fear of hurting the baby during sex. Or it can be a combination of physical and psychological factors, since the mind-body connection is so strong when it comes to sex.

In other words, that cramping isn’t a sign that you’re hurting your baby while you’re enjoying yourself. In fact, unless your practitioner has advised you otherwise, it’s perfectly safe to mix the pleasure of sex and the business of making a baby. If the cramps bother you, ask your partner for a gentle low back rub. It may relieve not only the cramps but any tension that might be triggering them. Some women also experience leg cramps after they have sex; see
page 271
for tips on relieving those.

Pregnant on the Job

If you’re pregnant, you’ve already got your work cut out for you. Add a full-time job to the full-time job of baby making, and your workload doubles. Juggling it all—practitioner visits with client meetings, trips to the bathroom with trips to the mailroom, morning sickness with business lunches, telling your best friend in accounting (who’ll be excited for you) with telling your boss (who might not be), staying healthy and comfortable with staying motivated and successful, preparing for baby’s arrival with preparing for maternity leave—can be a 9-to-5 challenge that keeps you working overtime. Here’s some help for the pregnant and employed.

Wondering when to belly up to your boss’s desk to spill the pregnancy beans? There’s no universally perfect time (though it’s a sure bet you should do it before that bump gets noticeably big). A lot will depend on how family friendly (or unfriendly. your workplace is. Still more will depend on your feelings (the physical and emotional). Here are some factors to consider:

The Pregnant Worker’s Rights

There is much room for improvement in the U.S. workplace when it comes to families and their needs. Though individual policies vary from company to company, here’s what federal law recognizes:

The Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978. This act prohibits discrimination based on pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions. Under this law, employers must treat you as they would treat any employee with a medical disability. However, it does not protect you if you end up not being able to do the job you were hired to do.
    It is considered discriminatory—and illegal—to pass up a woman for a promotion or a job or fire her solely on the basis of her pregnancy. But this kind of discrimination, like all kinds of discrimination, can be difficult to prove. Complaints of pregnancy discrimination can be reported to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), (800) 669-4000;
eeoc.gov
.