What You Really Really Want

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Authors: Jaclyn Friedman

BOOK: What You Really Really Want
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Table of Contents
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
PRAISE FOR
WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT
“Jaclyn Friedman is my new hero. As someone who teaches undergraduates, what I really really want is to hand out complimentary copies of this book to all my women students. But I'll settle for dog-eared copies in every college and university Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Resource Center.”
–
Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D., cofounder of SPARK, professor of education and Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, Colby College
 
“Friedman's new guide—detailed, intelligent, and fun as hell to read—is a sorely needed addition to any bookshelf. Think of it as the anti-
Cosmopolitan:
A 21st-century primer on fearlessly discovering and owning your sexuality while staying true to yourself without cutesy gimmicks, absurd tips, and patronizing assumptions.
–Anna Holmes, founding editor,
Jezebel.com
 
“In a better world, your sexuality would start as a blank canvas where only you painted the picture . . . and the world in which that painting existed would be free of art critics. Unfortunately, we don't live in that world. The good news is that Friedman has provided a powerful panacea to that world, one that can help you become the master artist of a healthy sex life that's of your own design.”
–Heather Corinna, executive director, Scarleteen, and author of
S.E.X.
 
“Friedman challenges readers to rethink how they make sense of their bodies, sexuality, and gender, all the while offering an honest take on the risks involved, like sexual assault and STIs. By teaching girls how to become more attuned with their own bodies and sexualities, Friedman doesn't just give readers the tools to say no to social expectations and gender roles, she teaches them how to say yes to their desires—the very definition of empowerment!”
–Lena Chen, blogger,
SexAndTheIvy.com
For K, C, E, and S
(AN ALTERNATIVE INTRODUCTION IN QUIZ FORM)
IS THIS BOOK FOR ME?
O
KAY. SO YOU'RE INTRIGUED. MAYBE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS. Something about this book made you want to pick it up and open it, but hey—that's probably true of a lot of books. I get it.
So let's cut to the chase. Answer the ten questions below to find out if this book is for you. For each question, pick an answer that's closest to what's true for you. If a particular question doesn't relate to your present life, then imagine how you might answer it if it did. Be honest—no one's looking!
1. You're single and you're going to a party where there may be people you'd be attracted to. Do you dress sexy?
a.
You know it!
b.
If I'm feeling brave.
c.
It depends on what you mean by sexy.
d.
Probably not. I'd feel too foolish or shy.
e.
No way. I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression.
2. Telling someone what you want to do with them (or what you want them to do with you) sexually is:
a.
Hot.
b.
Scary.
c.
A total buzzkill.
d.
Something I wish I could do.
e.
My favorite way to spend an evening.
3. You do things sexually that feel okay at the time, but you feel bad about it afterward.
a.
Often.
b.
Never.
c.
On rare occasions.
d.
Only when I'm drunk.
e.
Doesn't everybody?
4. You find out that your fifteen-year-old daughter (sister, niece, friend) is thinking of having sex for the first time. You:
a.
Panic.
b.
Ground her/tell on her.
c.
Sit her down for a heart-to-heart to make sure she's really ready and knows how to have safer sex.
d.
Sit her down for a stern lecture.
e.
All of the above.
5. You're leaving a party, club, or event late at night. The friends that you came with have all left. Your car is parked several long, dark blocks away. You:
a.
Just calmly walk to your car, taking the most lighted path available.
b.
Walk to your car as fast as you can, with your keys fanned out between your fingers and your heart pounding.
c.
Ask that guy at the party who might have been flirting with you to walk you to your car.
d.
Call a cab to take you to your car.
e.
You would never let yourself get into that situation in the first place.
6. Women who dress and act like sluts:
a.
Worry me. Don't they know the kind of attention they'll attract?
b.
Make me angry. They give women a bad name and teach men they can disrespect us. They deserve whatever they get.
c.
Are no better or worse than anyone else. It's not my place to judge.
d.
Are powerful feminist role models. Rejecting shame about our sexuality is an act of resistance.
e.
Are some of my best friends.
7. When it comes to your own sex life, you:
a.
Don't have one.
b.
Get exactly what you want and are totally satisfied.
c.
Wish you could change a few things, but you haven't found a way to talk with your partner(s) about what you need.
d.
Wish you could change a few things, but when you try to talk with your partner(s) about it, they don't respond the way you want.
e.
You're not really happy with it, but you don't know what you want or how to change it.
8. Men have a harder time controlling themselves sexually and therefore can't be held to the same standards as women.
a.
That's just biologically true.
b.
I'm really not sure about this one.
c.
That's a load of crap.
d.
That's true in our culture, because of the different ways we raise boys and girls.
e.
There may be some biological truth to that, but we're not animals—men should be expected to overcome their biological urges and control themselves.
9. Sexual acts you do (or want to do) make you feel ashamed or bad about yourself.
a.
All the time.
b.
Only one or two of them, but definitely.
c.
A little, maybe.
d.
Never.
e.
Almost never, but every once in a while it sneaks up on me.
10. Your friends and family share your values about sex and sexuality.
a.
Yes.
b.
My friends do, but my family really doesn't get it.
c.
I have no idea. I don't talk about sex with my friends or family, and they don't talk about it with me.
d.
Uh, no. They think I'm a total slut/prude/freak/weirdo/ etc.
e.
Not yet, but I'm working on them.
Score Yourself
We're going to score this quiz a little differently than you may be used to. Instead of assigning a value to each answer, use the following as a guideline:
• If you wished any of your answers could be different than they are, this book is for you.
• If you exaggerated any of your answers in order to seem more sexually liberated/empowered/accomplished than you are, or for any other reason, this book is for you.
• If fear (possibly very valid fear) influenced any of your answers, this book is for you.
• If any of your answers reflected embarrassment or shame about sexual expression, this book is for you.
• Let's be honest. If you've read this far? This book is very likely for you.
DON'T SKIP THIS INTRODUCTION!
I remember the first time I heard the question. A reporter for a college magazine was interviewing me about
Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape,
the anthology I edited with Jessica Valenti. It was a long, interesting conversation about how our theories of violence prevention and sexual empowerment could be applied in real-world ways, and I was having a great time. And then she asked what now seems like the most basic question of all: Given all the conflicting messages young women get about their sexuality from
all sides—media, church, family, friends, and more—how do we figure out what we want to say “yes” to in the first place?

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