When Autumn Leaves: A Novel (17 page)

Autumn Avening’s store was not far from the school. She stopped the car in the nearby parking lot and ran her thumb and forefinger along her closed eyes. She knew she was doing the right thing, but once she told another person about what was happening between her and Finn, it would become that much more real, that much less magical. Although Ana was sure her relationship with Finn was nothing close to ordinary, she was terribly afraid that for some reason Autumn would see it that way.

It was a day for confidences, the clouds covering the sky in a gray vigilance that made the night feel close at hand. Ana climbed the four steps to Demeter’s Grove. When she opened the door, a flurry of bells announced her arrival. There was something about being here that made her muscles relax, and she noticed that she had unknowingly been clenching her jaw.

Ana found her friend organizing a bookshelf, her cat, Willow, weaving between her legs.

“Finally, Ana!” Autumn called, her back still to the door. “My goodness, it took you long enough. I put the kettle on. It should be boiling, so why don’t you go to the kitchen and make some tea.”

“Miss Psychic Show-off,” Ana told Autumn fondly, her affection for her old friend momentarily overcoming her anxiety. She dipped into a rounded hallway and into the familiar kitchen, which immediately engulfed her in its cloud of eucalyptus and cloves. Ana knew her way around; she had been coming here regularly since she was a teenager. She pulled a tray from the cupboard and set the tea service. When she emerged, she found Autumn in her favorite green velvet chair. Ana placed the tray on the small table in front of it and sat down.

Like every other resident of Avening, Ana had no idea how old Autumn was. It was the stuff of legend. She didn’t look old, and she didn’t look young: she was suspended somewhere between the two. Autumn claimed that she was mostly a Celt, but for a Dutch grandfather and a Native American grandmother, a combination that gave her somewhat exotic looks. Her blue-black hair was cut in a pixie style, her eyes were green, and her cheekbones were high and defined. Today, she wore a black turtleneck and straight-legged pants, Audrey Hepburn-style.

Autumn gave Ana a long, unblinking look. “Really, Ana, why have you waited so long to come and see me?”

“Autumn, don’t start. I was just hoping that I could figure this one thing out on my own. But clearly . . .”

“Relax, I’m not giving you a hard time. I just wish you understood better about how things are supposed to be. We are women: if we have a problem, we get together; we solve it together. That’s what we do. We aren’t men, holding everything inside. You’re going against your nature, making things harder on yourself. Just admit it. You love another man. It’s written all over you.”

Ana paused before answering, only because it seemed so obvious. Why hadn’t she told Autumn? Maybe, she thought to herself, the secret was part of why it felt so good and bad all at once. Either way, it was time to talk.

“Okay, I’m in love with him, but I . . . it wasn’t on purpose. And I thought there was a chance it was just a crush, or even lust, something that, in the grand scheme of things, was harmless.”

“That’s horseshit, Ana. You knew exactly the way you felt from the moment you set eyes on Finn Emmerling, and I must say, I’m not surprised.” Autumn took a sip of tea.

“You’re not?” Ana was past the point with Autumn of asking how she knew she was in love, how she knew it was Finn. Ana wanted to believe in the extraordinary, and she saw it aplenty with Autumn.

“Goodness no,” Autumn replied. “Don’t get me wrong, I like Jacob. He’s a good man, and he’s good for you, but I knew from the beginning that he wasn’t your soul mate. I really do detest saying that—it’s a silly sounding sort of word—but still, it fits. I also knew that one day you would draw that person, that soul mate, to you. You are a very powerful woman, Ana.”

Ana balked. “I don’t feel very powerful right now. I feel quite the opposite, actually.”

“Oh, Ana,” Autumn said tenderly, “this is an awfully difficult thing for you to deal with on your own. How are you managing?”

Ana felt tears pool in the corners of her eyes. She felt like she deserved a lecture on her behavior, and Autumn’s kindness and empathy were overwhelming in a way she had not been prepared for.

“Take a moment, Ana. Really, it’s all right. You can’t choose who you fall in love with, let alone when it happens. This too is part of the journey. You’re a good person, or else you wouldn’t be here asking for my help. I know your marriage is pretty good; how is his?”

Ana considered everything Finn had told her before answering. “I feel bad saying this, but I don’t think it’s very good at all, and I don’t think it has that much to do with me.” She shook her head. “Autumn, I am so confused. I’m perfectly happy in my life, you know, with Jacob and Russ. I love them. They’re my family. And at the same time I’m desperate to run away with Finn.” She knit her fingers together, trying to sort through her own feelings. “Finn and I are not, you know . . . intimate. But it’s getting to the point where we have to be. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it hurts, physically, not to be able to be with him, like I’m burning up from the inside out. But if we take that step, there’s no turning back. It’s not right to Jacob, or to Ginny. They both deserve more.” Ana looked away from Autumn. There was so much more than those few words, but she suddenly lacked the strength to find them. She could only hope that Autumn would understand, from experience or intuition, and be able to guide her in the right direction.

“Well,” said Autumn. “More than anything it sounds like a question of bad timing. Listen, my dear, let me absolve you. You have done nothing wrong . . . so far. Love is a gift from the gods, and you have been granted it twice, which makes you very lucky indeed. But there are as many different kinds of love as there are people in the world. The love you have for Jacob is a steady, solid thing. But the love you have for Finn? That is the truest, purest love we can be blessed with. And of course it hurts. Nothing that feels that good could ever be ignorant of its darker twin.”

Ana looked at her old friend, already feeling better. Her mind was clearing, allowing the probable outcomes to take shape inside her head.

“Let’s talk about time, shall we, dear?” Autumn put her cup of tea down on the table.

“Time? But—”

“Time is the greatest obstacle you and Finn face right now. There are two kinds of time: the one that man makes, and the one that makes man. We arrange our days according to the former, and think we’re clever to have created a system the entire world can move to. So we race about to keep up with time, never feeling like there are enough hours in the day.”

“But Autumn, what’s that have to do with me? And Finn?”

Autumn ignored the question and kept talking. “But the latter is where the magic lives, in our own bodies. It’s part of the wheel, the biological clock that ticks away, telling us when to sleep, when to eat, when to reproduce and so forth. If we keep these clocks in tune with the rest of the natural world, they also tell us when to plant, when to sow, when to harvest, when to gather and store. This is where your love for Finn lives: in time without numbers or divisions. Your life with Jacob is wrapped up in the man-made structure. So how do you reconcile the two?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m here, talking to you.”

“Ana, sweetheart, you know I can’t tell you how to reconcile them. Only you and Finn are capable of doing such a thing. But I will tell you this: no true happiness can ride on the back of someone else’s pain.”

There it was, exactly what Ana had feared. What was the point of causing so much pain and so much destruction if they wouldn’t be together in the end? It seemed suddenly pointless, or hopeless, or both. Ana’s longing turned, in a split second, to anger. The whole situation felt suddenly so unfair that she clenched her fists unknowingly.

“So that’s it? The ‘gods’ have seen fit to give me a gift that I can never open? That’s cruel, Autumn.” Ana felt her anger rising, uncontrollable. “I mean, I go back to living my life, he goes back to living his, neither of us ever truly happy? And meanwhile, we’re distracted, and resentful, and end up taking it out on our children and spouses, and letting our unhappiness turn us into mean, unloving people?” Ana shook her head furiously. “I’m a good person, Autumn, but not that good. I’m not going to live out the rest of my days with a grocery list of regrets so that Ginny Emmerling can be happy with my man.”

Autumn set her lips. “Ana, stop thinking in the realm of time as you know it. We are given just the right amount of time to get done what we are supposed to in life.”

“What are you saying? That I have to wait for my next life to be with Finn? I don’t think so.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” Autumn shrugged. “I’m not completely sold on the whole reincarnation thing, to be honest with you. If you’re supposed to be together in this life, though, your natural clocks and the universe will clear the way—something that, as of yet, hasn’t happened.”

“Autumn, I love him. I can’t just turn that off like a tap. I think about him about a million times a day. Now that we know each other, we can’t just go back.”

Autumn leaned in to her friend, looking her straight in the eye. “Let me ask you something, Ana. What’s the most important thing in your life?”

“My son,” said Ana, without hesitation.

“Right, and my wager is that Finn would say the same thing about his daughter. So those two people come first. There has been a significant amount of betrayal, not just to your spouses but to your children. I’m not busting you. Clearly, you were too close to see it. But this is where you went wrong. The sneaking around and the lying have done a fair bit of damage, I’m afraid. ‘Polluted everything’ would be the right phrase.” Ana knew it was true already, but hearing Autumn spell it out brought instant tears to her eyes. Autumn went on, “But the damage is done. Now we just have to find a way to deal with this. I think I have a way to help you, but I had to give you the hard truth first, as your friend, though I know it hurts to hear.”

“No. I mean, yes, it’s hard to hear. But I know you’re doing it out of love.” Ana had to force herself to swallow her own desperate optimism. “You have a way to help, though? Really, Autumn?”

Autumn obviously hesitated. “Well. I want you to arrange a time when both you and Finn can come and see me. I need to tell both of you together how it will work, since I don’t want anything lost in translation, okay?”

Ana was giddy with excitement. She trusted Autumn enough to know that anything she suggested would indeed be the best solution for everyone involved.

“So give me a couple days,” Autumn continued, “and then, well . . . We’ll see. Now go and pick up your son. I’ve got lots of work to do.”

They both stood, and Autumn followed Ana to the door. Before she left, Ana turned to face her friend. “Autumn, whatever happens, whether this idea of yours will work, I want you to know that you’ve helped me already. You are a good soul and a good friend, and I can’t tell you how much your words today have meant to me.”

“I know, I know,” said Autumn, pulling Ana into a long embrace. Ana felt a piece of herself break open in her friend’s arms, and she walked out the door that much closer to finding her way.

Autumn let the door slide closed with a soft click. She must have been mad to promise such a thing to Ana, but what could she do? Ana was on the list. She couldn’t have her directing all her magical energy to a miserable domestic situation.

This whole thing was getting unexpectedly messy. Autumn had put her own needs first, selfishly, before those of her friend. But on the other hand, perhaps her selfish behavior would work out for the best; she could kill several birds with one stone—save two marriages, make six people happier, and test Ana’s true ability. She felt guilty about it, but she knew that all of this was for the greater good. She just wished it actually felt good getting to the greater good.